Image by the fabulous Stuart F Taylor
As a shameless fan of men, one of the things I look forward to about summer is seeing so many of them out and about slutting it up. Shorts, vest tops, lovely bald heads slathered in sunscreen… you know the drill. I consider it not just my pleasure but my moral duty to occasionally objectify men, so that dudes can experience themselves through the eyes of a woman who is red hot for what they’ve got. Let us begin.
Sluttiest looks for men
Three-quarter length shorts
I know ‘shorts’ is an obvious place to start when we’re listing slutty summer looks for men, but sometimes it’s worth stating the obvious. And for all their moralising bullshit the Victorians were right about one thing: a little flash of ankle is sexy as fuck.
Linen shorts that end halfway down someone’s calf; jean shorts that cut off just below the knee; cargo shorts that come with pockets you can keep a miniature bottle of SPF50 in… I don’t really care about the style or material, only that the gentleman wearing them is rocking the shorts with pleasure and confidence. Ideally they’d be paired with slutty little sandals because the ankle straps define and emphasise how naked your feet are, but if you’re not a ‘sandals’ person then I think trainers work too, especially with shorter socks that aren’t pulled up to hide the ankle itself.
Choosing long shorts and footwear that are significantly different in colour to your natural skin tone is helpful here too: they act like a frame around the flesh you’re flashing, and trigger that Victorian instinct to swoon and faint at the sauciness of your attire. Well. In me they do, anyway.
Think of it like thigh-high socks or stockings, but in reverse. One of the things that makes thigh-high socks so horny is that you get a little glimpse of a body part – the thigh – that you wouldn’t normally see, and the contrast between someone’s skin tone and the colour of the socks frames the flesh on display.
So dudes: grab your long shorts and your sluttiest sandals, then get out there and provide us with some eye candy.
Knee length shorts
A bolder look, and all the hotter for it. I was walking behind a guy in knee-length shorts the other day – cargo ones, with pockets everywhere. He went to rummage in one of the lower pockets, just above the knee, and it struck me that this simple gesture had suddenly made me wildly aware of his (excellent) legs – the heft and thickness of them, and the busy way he was striding down the road. Maybe the sun just brings on mating season, but even though I know he wasn’t doing it purely to make me look, I still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he made that sexy move on purpose.
Knee length shorts are especially good if you have calf tattoos, because why pay for art you aren’t ever going to display? Plus, tattoos require more frequent application of sun cream so it’s a great excuse to let me slather your legs in creamy white stuff while hinting that – later – I can suck you off while you eat a Solero.
Short shorts
If I may be so bold here, I don’t just enjoy shorts because they show off a deliciously-rounded calf or thigh, I especially enjoy shorts when they’re tight. Little short-shorts of the type you’d do PE in – curved hemline, to draw attention to your bum. Stretchy fabric, to do the exact same. If you’ve got a dick, then being able to see it cupped in that netting these sports shorts have – pulling all your junk into a nice, tight, grabbable package – is especially pleasing.
But the best thing about the shortest of shorts is when you wear them with no knickers, you slut. Watching someone’s cock grow fat and hard in tight, silky shorts before – oh God I think I might have to go for a wank before I write this next bit – getting erect enough that the end of it starts to gently poke out through one of the leg holes. Nestled against your thigh so you feel hot with shame as I stare.
Unngh.
Shorts are slutty and hot, please ignore the haters
As if to deliberately cool us down, when summer rolls round we often see a lot of ice-cold takes about how men should only wear this or that type of short: ones that cut off at the knee, or baggy ones that aren’t too tight. Occasionally someone will pipe up and let you know that you should only wear shorts if your body is a certain size or shape, or if your legs aren’t too pale or whatever. Sometimes these killjoys even tell us that men shouldn’t wear shorts at all.
I’m here to remind men of the mantra that women have adopted when fighting back against messaging which tells us we need to ‘get a bikini body.’ The way to get a bikini body is to buy a bikini and then put it on your body. Same is true of shorts. The right shorts for you are the ones in which you feel comfortable and happy, I assure you that I will be enjoying the sight of your legs no matter where the hem of those slutty little things happens to fall. Wear whatever shorts make you feel comfortable and sexy in the heat. Your body is your body, and there are merits to all kinds of bodies and legs: thin ones, fat ones, muscular ones, whatever.
I really cannot stress this enough: the important thing is not the shape of your body, it’s the sluttiness of the shorts.
Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘GOTN, is all of this just going to be about shorts? Should you really just have written a post about how sexy shorts are and left it at that? NO. Because although shorts are fantastic and I very much appreciate them, the sluttiest look for men this summer is the same one it’s always been:
Vest top with stretched sleeves
Not to labour the point but… clothes are sexy to me if they show off parts of your body that you don’t often flaunt. The vest top with stretched sleeves is the best example of this that men have ever invented. Whether it’s a band vest with faded logo and sleeves pulled out from years and years of wear, or a gym vest that you’ve tugged on to deliberately show off your lats… the key thing is that you’re exposing bare skin in a place you wouldn’t usually expose it.
If you’re looking for examples, here’s a man on TikTok confidently (and correctly) instructing you to cut the sleeves off your band tees to get the slutty look. Here’s a model on Shein rocking the ‘fitness’ version of this look. And – I’d kick myself forever if I didn’t include this – see Pedro Pascal rocking the formal version of the look here.
I talked a little about this on social media a while ago, and while I was busy hunting down images to illustrate what I meant, somebody commented that all the examples they found were of guys who had ripped muscles. I had similar problems, which is frustrating given that these vests can often look hottest on fatter guys: a glimpse of the curve at the side of someone’s stomach is as beautiful as a well-toned muscle, if not more in my opinion. I have a huge thing for burying my face in a guy’s tummy – the softer the better – and it upsets me deeply to think that men are being fed the lie that you can only show off your body if you’ve forked out for expensive gym memberships and learned what the fuck ‘creatine’ is.
These tops are very common on gym-going dudes, though, and don’t get me wrong they are also very hot. I think as I get older, and go to the gym more myself (shoutout to my fellow 40-something women who are trying to gain muscle before menopause), I do appreciate a muscular guy more than I did when I was young. But these tops work on all body types, in my humble and horny opinion: stretched sleeves showing a glimpse of the side of your body – toned, tummied, slender, whatever – and perhaps even the odd flash of armpit hair (unngh) when you recline with your hands behind your head or get stuck into a Really Big Stretch.
There are almost certainly other hot slutty summer looks that I’m missing off this list: open shirt paired with boxer shorts as you lounge around the house; band t-shirts with tight sleeves that show off the bulge of your shoulders and arms; swimming shorts that cling temptingly to your every bulge and curve as you exit the sea in slow-motion. You get the idea. The point of this post is not to be prescriptive about what you should wear, sexy dudes. The point is mainly to illustrate that you are beautiful and loved, and although there’ll always be vague chatter from tedious killjoys who tell you what not to wear, your bodies are hot and appreciated by many of us – I’d love some of you to click away from this post feeling a little more confident in showing them off if you want to.
Just remember to wear sunscreen, innit.
