Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Hey Doc, I need help.
I broke things off with my girlfriend this week. Despite being 45, I have a weird dating history. I’ve never been the one to call things off.
Truth be told, I didn’t want to, but her untreated mental health issues put my daughter (from another relationship) in harm’s way. These issues have always been a struggle but the inciting incident was a major escalation, and it’s only escalated since then. When I came over to pick up items, she trapped me in my bedroom and took my phone away. I could only get out by stealing her phone and calling the police. I no longer feel safe being alone with her and any attempts at communication have just devolved into begging, screaming, crying.
The living situation is messed up and complicated, but that’s not why I’m writing. Even though this is clearly a situation rapidly becoming more abusive, I feel like a monster. I know how bad she’s feeling right now and she’s not understanding why I’m doing this.
How do I process this guilt? She has major abandonment issues and I’m just another person in a long line of people abandoning her. But in the battle between her and my daughter it’s no contest.
What do I owe her? Do I write a letter and try my best to explain why I’m doing this to give her closure?
Despite everything, I still care about her a lot and am very worried about her. She has very little support network left (probably for a reason).
My only other relationships were two different marriages that lasted 10+ years a piece, and ending those didn’t hurt as much as this.
Nothing Breaks Like A Heart
Just because the situation is simple doesn’t mean your feelings around it aren’t going to be complex, NBLAH. And that’s ok.
One of the frustrating things about feelings is how often they just don’t make sense. Moments that feel like they should be simple and clean and straightforward leave you feeling things that don’t feel like they match the situation, while incredibly complex and nuanced situations seem easy to process and don’t leave you with confusing mixed emotions. When the situation and the feelings it inspires don’t seem to line up, it often leaves us wondering what the hell’s wrong.
There’s an understandable temptation to wonder if this is a sign, that your subconscious knows something that your conscious mind hasn’t picked up on or isn’t ready to acknowledge. Or you may wonder if this means that you’re doing something wrong, that you’ve made a mistake. But more often than not, it’s just that what you expect to feel isn’t lining up with what you’re actually feeling. It’s the misalignment that’s messing with you, more than the feelings themselves.
Case in point: this is a pretty open and shut case. This is a relationship that absolutely needed to end. It is as clean and clearcut as can possibly be, with an unmistakable bad guy and unquestionable call to end this relationship at speed. You would be forgiven for thinking that ending this relationship would feel like a release. Like you freed yourself from a horrible situation. And yet, instead, you feel like History’s Greatest Monster.
The seeming paradox of why you feel that way is because you’re not a monster. This is someone you cared about; someone you’ve shared a part of your life with. Even if their behavior became untenable and they represent an honest threat to your family, that doesn’t mean that you hate them. Nor does it mean that the good times that you had up until now have been overwritten. You remember what it felt like to love them without worry or restraint. You remember when things were new and effortless. And now this person is upset, screaming, confused and crying because of something that you did. There’s no sugar-coating or overlooking that part: a big part of why she feels the way she’s feeling right now is because you said “We’re done, this is over, I don’t want to see you again”.
So… yeah. Someone’s hurting because of your actions, and you feel bad about that. That’s the most normal thing in the world. You’re a person with compassion and empathy, and this is a person who you cared about. Feeling bad about this is to be expected.
However, you’re doing something that isn’t helping: you’re taking on blame that isn’t yours, for something that you’re not actually doing. You’re not another person abandoning her in a long line of people abandoning her. You are making the decision that your safety and the safety of your daughter takes priority over your ex and your relationship – as it should be. The reason why you’re leaving is due entirely to the consequences of her actions. The fact that she doesn’t, won’t or can’t see that isn’t on you. It’s not your responsibility to make her see that, nor is it even clear that you could. It’s certainly not your responsibility to put yourself into harm’s way in order to make her feel better. You have a much greater responsibility to your daughter and her overall safety.
Here’s the thing that you need to realize: you’re not her doctor, nor are you a trained medical or mental health professional. You can’t fix her or help her in the way that she needs. As much as it sucks to feel powerless in a situation like this, you have to be willing to accept that some things are outside of your control or ability to influence. You can only handle that’s within your sphere of control – your actions. And from the sound of things, you did the best you could in a very fucked up situation.
It sucks that you’re the person who initiated this pain, but that doesn’t make you responsible. Not in the way that you think. That someone was going to be hurt was an inevitability; the relationship was ending when one person didn’t want it to. That’s always going to hurt. But while you did the thing that was going to hurt, you did your best to end this as quickly and cleanly as you could. She made things infinitely harder, prolonged the inevitable and made the separation even more painful than it had to be. All of this, including the way she feels, is ultimately on her. It makes you feel bad because you’re not heartless, nor are you cruel. But feeling bad isn’t the same thing as being responsible.
You’ve given her what you owe, as much as you owe anything: you tried to make this as quick and clean as you could. If you absolutely feel the need, you could write a letter explaining things and drop it in her mailbox. But to be perfectly frank, I think that’s more about your easing your conscience than it is about helping her understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to take it in the way that you meant it, and there’s every possibility that this could trigger another spiral of antisocial behavior directed at you.
I think the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved is what you’ve done: get your stuff and go. Her healing and closure is ultimately going to be something she’s going to have to do for herself.
Good luck.
Hey Doc, a year ago I was looking to expand my social horizons and joined a book club. It was a co-ed book club and I really wanted to just make friends. I became really, really good friends with G. But developing this friendship took time to cultivate. It did not just happen overnight. It started as just being friends at meetings, then transitioned to hanging out before the meetings, then transitioned to talking on the phone a few times a week, talking on the phone every day, texting every day. All of the sudden we are watching sporting events and love island together in each other’s apartments and our siblings’ apartments. It truly blossomed into a beautiful platonic friendship.
I bet you can see where this is going.
At my birthday party in April few people made comments to me, asking if G and I were dating. Just like that the thought of us being a thing infected my mind like a pathogen, slowly making me realize that maybe this was more than friendship.
I kept telling myself to just pause, give the situation time, and that more would be revealed. One day about two months later we were at the Apple Store together and I got news that my grandfather passed away. Unfortunately, I caved in to a huge case of the “fuck-its” in that moment and snapped.
I tried to go home and breath, but when she called me later that night to see how I was doing I finally broke down. I said to her “I do not know why I am holding this secret in, if I never got to say this to you I would really regret it…I have thought about the possibility of us being more then friends.”
She was completely shocked. She told me that she did not even know how to respond. I told her that was alright. I said my peace and put my feelings out their. She could have as much time as she needed to respond. I told her I was sorry for unilaterally changing the relationship and I felt selfish but also relieved, and that I was not going to bring this subject up again. The ball was in her court, and I just hoped that regardless of the answer, I really hoped that we could continue to be friends.
Two days later she responded and said:
“Hi I hope you are doing ok today and I’m sending lots of hugs to you. I have been thinking about our conversation and wanted to say thank you for being honest. I genuinely care about you a lot and also want to be honest in return that I really value our friendship. For me our relationship has always felt like a friendship and I just don’t see us as more than friends. I truly hope we can continue the friendship we built, but I completely understand if this shifts things a bit. I am always here for you and you are a really incredible and special person in my life.”
I responded the next day “You and our relationship is special to me also. Talk soon.”
Well, we didn’t talk that week. I did not panic, I was heading to Europe for 12 days and figured that was some good space to get between us. The day before I left for Europe (six days after receiving the text) I tried to call her. She did not pick up and I texted her “whatsup, I just wanted to call and say hey before I leave.”
She never answered that.
I have since returned to book club and another then the cordial “Hello” we have not spoken at all. I can tell that she is uncomfortable in my presence. I decided to go to another book club this week. I do not really know what to do. I feel like I shot myself in the dick with this one. Sure, I spoke my truth but I never imagined that we would stop being friends.
I am a big boy who can handle rejection, I harbor no animosity that she rebuffed my romantic interest and am aware that she owes me nothing of that sort. But I am really upset about how things have gone. I feel like I have done what I can to let her see that I am capable of moving on and going back to being friends. I do not know what to do. My instinct says to just keep giving her space and if it is meant to be god will put her back in my life. All I know is that I just really miss want my friend back. Thank you.
Friendship Resurrection Arc
You’re not going to like the advice I have for you, FRA: do nothing. It’s going to suck because you want your friend back and you want to feel like there’s something that you can do to facilitate that reunion. But sometimes “nothing” is the best option you can take, because all the other options will only serve to make things worse.
You dropped a bit of a bomb on her, and she’s going to need to take some time to sort out her feelings on the whole situation. It’s one where things are going to be a little tense, and easy to misinterpretation; taking a step back and giving her that space is the more respectful choice. It shows that you’re willing to give her room to figure out how she feels and that you’re not going to push her in one direction or another.
Now with that having been said: if I’m being honest, FRA, I wish you hadn’t framed your feelings for her as a big secret that you had to get off your chest. That’s precisely the sort of thing that makes it sound like you’ve always had a thing for her and that you’ve been friends with her in hopes that maybe there could be more. Whether that’s true or not – and it doesn’t sound like it was – that’s the sort of thing that can put people on the defensive and make them question the friendship you’d had up until now. I also wish you’d let things lie until after you got back from your trip. I understand you were just trying to check in like normal – this was how you normally behave with her, yes? – but I think that may have spiked an alarm for her while she was still trying to sort things out.
Now this isn’t to say that you screwed the pooch by your word choice; it’s just that it added an unnecessary layer to the situation that isn’t helpful and could complicate things in a way you never intended. I do think, however, it added to the calculus that she’s trying to do about the two of you.
My advice for folks who want to see if their platonic friend might be interested in being more than platonic isn’t to say that this is something they’ve been holding in; I generally suggest saying that “recently, I’ve noticed my feelings have been changing”. I also always suggest leading with “I like what we have and I would never want to change that” and to openly invite the “no” right up front. Making it clear that you’re going to take that “no, I don’t feel the same” with good grace makes it much easier to push through the awkward parts and get back to being friends again.
Right now, you two are in that awkward place as you’re trying to figure out what the dynamic is between the two of you. There’s going to be that silent tension of “is he going to be cool? Is he going to make a thing about this?” and trying to find the new equilibrium for your friendship. Being friendly and respectful but giving her space is going to show that you’re prioritizing her comfort and your friendship over the possibility that you two might get together later. There’s going to be a point where she’ll be ready to see where you two are; let her have the opportunity to get there without feeling like you were pushing at it.
If the two of you were good friends, it’ll take more than momentary weirdness to ruin it. Let her sort things through. She knows you care and still want to be friends. When she’s ready, she’ll let you know.
Good luck.
