Estimated reading time: 16 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’m a 38-year-old woman and I’ve been in a monogamous romantic relationship with “Paul,” who is about my age (younger but by less than a year), for 8 years. I love him with all my heart and all my friends and family think he’s the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Further, they all think I’m extremely lucky to have found Paul, because I have a disfiguring birth defect that caused me to have next to no luck dating before him.
Paul is a complicated guy, so I’ll try to sum him up in as few words possible. He was born into old money, lost both parents while an undergraduate, and inherited a complicated mishmash of trust funds and investments, as well as a huge, but now badly maintained house. He has an Ivy League Ph.D. but instead of working a paying job, which he doesn’t need, he spends 40-50+ hours a week volunteering at a homeless shelter, a no-kill animal shelter, a rehab center, and a public library which serves mainly as a free social services center. He pays all his own medical expenses out of pocket, including about $5,000 on two occasions he’s needed rabies shots due to animal bites, and more than $20,000 one time he was severely beaten by a mentally ill man. He always has multiple recovering addicts and ex-homeless people staying rent-free in his many spare bedrooms, which is the main reason we still aren’t living together 8 years on.
So Paul is obviously an incredibly good person. But these last few years I’ve struggled with persistent thoughts that that is not the same as being a good partner. Paul has never bought me a romantic present, just practical stuff (e.g. hiking shoes, cooking utensils) I could have bought myself. He talks all the time about the wonderful international vacations he took with his parents growing up, but has never taken me anywhere but tent camping in nearby parks. I used to hope he would pay for the cosmetic surgery my insurance won’t cover, but he’s never offered and I’d never have the nerve to flat-out ask. I’ve even wondered, in dark moments, if he sees being with me as one more form of charitable self-abasement, but at the same time maybe subconsciously feels I’m not “worth” the flowers or jewelry or trips to France and Italy that an attractive woman with a prestigious education would be.
I used to want a family, since my condition is unlikely to be hereditary. But I wouldn’t want my child to grow up in a home I don’t feel comfortable in myself, or feeling like they take seventh or eighth place in their father’s life. So I’ve resigned myself to being child-free, and trying to feel that it’s for the best. Paul still talks about “maybe” having a kid “someday” but I doubt he even realizes my “somedays” are running out.
In short, I’m not completely happy, but I don’t know if this is the closest I can hope to get to happy. On the one hand, everyone I know will scream at me and call me an idiot if I leave Paul. And I know the alternative for me is more likely being alone for the rest of my life than finding someone better. On the other hand, leaving him would be better for the world than trying to change him, because that way only I would suffer, rather than countless needy people and animals getting less of his time and money. I need a push if I’m going to leave, and I need some strength if I’m going to stay. Please help.
Tattered & Torn
The phrase “the problem you’re asking about isn’t the problem you have” comes up a lot in this column, to the point of being a cliché… but that’s because it’s a cliché for a reason. And in this case, it’s appropriate, because there’re two different issues that’re embedded in this letter, T&T; there’s what you’re you’re asking about, and there’s what’s lingering in the background.
Let’s start with the 30,000 foot view of things: yeah, it’s entirely possible for someone to be a great person, but not necessarily a great partner. It’s hard to be involved with someone who can be a bit of a plaster saint – someone whose qualities make them a boon to people and society in the abstract, but those qualities don’t transfer to an interpersonal relationship. It’s not even a case of having a wonderful public persona and being an awful person behind doors, it’s a matter of they’re great in the macro and less so in the micro.
The fact that Paul is so incredibly generous with his time, resources and energy doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s going to be as good at giving attention or care to a person, or at least in a way that a person needs. I said “the 30,000 foot view” specifically because sometimes when you’re looking at the big picture, you don’t see – or can’t give the same attention to – the little details.
So you’re not unreasonable or wrong for feeling this schism between Paul being incredibly caring and giving with the world while also feeling a little distanced from you. He can be an incredible person without also being an incredible partner, and it’s legitimate to feel like this isn’t working for you.
Now that having been said, let’s talk about what I think you may be missing: your voice, your agency and your right to advocate for yourself and your needs.
I think the issue that’s sitting in the heart of the matter is the idea that you’re “lucky” to be with him. That is, you don’t feel lucky to be with someone who treats you so well and makes you feel seen and cared for, but that you’re with someone at all, never mind someone who has such positive qualities. You’ve grown up with what you describe as a disfigurement that’s interfered with your ability to date, and this clearly has played into your relationship with Paul. It almost certainly gets reinforced by well-meaning friends and family talking about how lucky you are to be with him… which sounds like it comes with the undertone of “…or anyone at all.”
Having that feeling and having it reiterated and buttressed by others can understandably make it feel as though you can’t – or shouldn’t – rock the boat. It may even make you feel as though you don’t want to remind him that you’re there, for fear that it might make him say “oh, right… I’ve been meaning to do something about that.” But while that fear is understandable, that doesn’t mean that it’s correct. At the same time, not drawing attention to yourself or your needs may be maintaining the status quo, but that doesn’t mean that the status quo is something that should be maintained.
Especially when you’re feeling more like a project and less like a person.
Here’s the thing that I think needs to be said: someone, even someone as charitable and generous as Paul, can’t address a need if they don’t know that need exists. Similarly, they can’t know that a gesture they’re making isn’t being received the way they intend if the person that’s receiving it doesn’t say anything.
Case in point – and speaking of clichés: the gifts he gives you. The whole “practical gifts instead of romantic ones” is so gender coded and so common that it’s become a trope. This is often an example of mismatched love languages – what the giver is trying to do is express love by an act of service, to solve a problem by supplying things that you may need or that would be of use, but that you may not be able to acquire on your own. But that intent doesn’t land, in part because that’s not how you receive love, or the way you prefer love to be expressed.
But if you don’t say anything, then he doesn’t necessarily know that there’s an issue. Some women do prefer practical gifts over flowers or romantic gestures… and thus far, he may not have had reason to think that you’re not one of them. So what you may be dealing with isn’t benign neglect or indifference so much as ignorance.
You don’t mention if you’ve addressed these issues with him in the past, and I think that lack of communication may be part of the issue. And I think that applies in other areas as well. You mention all the international trips he took as a child, while you two have never taken similar trips together. You don’t mention whether you’ve ever expressed a desire to go on a trip like that with him. While it can feel obvious that of course you would love to go see Paris or Venice or Bangkok, what feels obvious to us may not be nearly so clear to an outside observer. If you’ve never said anything or even have a passport, he may well be assuming that you’re just not interested in travel like that.
At the same time, I wonder whether he wants to take trips like that as an adult. You describe those trips in the past-tense and in his childhood; has he taken similar trips as an adult, either before you started dating or since? It’s entirely possible that while these were great experiences as a child, he doesn’t necessarily want to do so as an adult. He may even feel like he can’t, and that his many responsibilities limit how much travel he can do. That may be entirely in his head – plenty of folks have issues with delegating responsibility – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting him.
But that’s a question that only he could answer. And he can’t answer it until you put the question to him. And this holds true about most of the sources of the discontent that you’re feeling in your relationship. A lot of this could be addressed by speaking up and saying “hey, can we talk?” You have every right to advocate for your needs and for your desires. You aren’t a gold digger for saying “hey, I would love if I could share this part of your life with you” or “I would like to have this kind of experience with you.”
I know it’s popular to say “if he cared, he’d know”, but this belief is counterproductive at best. It’s a roadblock to communication and understanding and conflates someone caring with being able to read minds, which is unfair for everyone involved. It also assumes that someone should be able to intuit a problem when there’s been no indication that a problem exists in the first place. If you would like some more romance from someone you’ve been seeing for eight years, then the best thing you can do is stop waiting for him to divine this and to just tell him. If you would like to travel and see the world with him, say so. You could even talk about the possibility of his helping you with covering the cost of cosmetic surgery to address your birth defect. You’ve been with him for close to a decade now; you should have enough trust with one another to have conversations about money as well as about what you need from him as a partner.
I understand and I’m entirely sympathetic to the feeling that you don’t want to risk shaking things up or rocking the boat. But at the same time, not doing so isn’t serving you or your needs; all it does is increase this feeling of disconnect from someone you care about and you’ve been with for years. And worse, you don’t know if this disconnect is real or if it’s correctable.
If it is the case that he sees you as more of a charity case than a partner… well, that sucks, but at the very least, you’ve gotten an answer. Right now, you’re living in the uncomfortable liminal space where it’s always the best-case and worst-case scenario at the same time. Getting an answer may lead to heartbreak, but at least that’s a wound that can heal, as opposed to one that is always possible and thus can never be closed.
But talking to him can also resolve these issues and change your relationship for the better. That alone is worth the momentary discomfort of having that Awkward Conversation.
Just as importantly, however, is that asking for what you need is a reminder that you deserve good things. You’re not a long-term foster pet that hasn’t found it’s forever home, you’re a person, in a long-term, committed relationship, and you should treat yourself accordingly. You deserve to feel loved and to be shown love in a way that you can receive. You are someone who deserves to be treated with respect and as a partner, not someone who should be “grateful” for any scraps of attention they may get. That can’t happen until you make it happen; you should be your own best friend and staunchest advocate. If you wouldn’t tolerate a friend treating themselves this way, then you should apply that same belief to yourself.
Regardless of how the conversation turns out, taking the step of advocating for yourself and having this awkward conversation is a powerful step towards reminding yourself that you deserve good things and that you don’t need to meekly accept what is given to you. Even if it ends with the end of this relationship, then all that has happened is that you’ve discovered that this needed to end.
But for my money? Nobody is so devoted to a “charity case” that they’re going to invest eight years with them. Trust in yourself, trust in your relationship, take a breath and make that leap of faith.
Good luck.
I’m a guy with plenty going for him, but I’ve never truly felt good enough. It hasn’t helped that, despite people telling me I’m a catch, I’ve never actually experienced any interest from women.
I started a new job recently, and there’s a colleague I occasionally chat to. We’re not in the same department, and the only reason we started interacting in the first place is because she once stopped me in the corridor to ask how I was settling in. Since then, we’ve had a handful of brief conversations, though nothing particularly sustained. It would be fair to say that most of them have been initiated by her. I’ve also caught her looking at me once or twice.
It’s a temporary job. I’ve done plenty of them over the years, and in my experience, these connections are always fleeting and end the moment I clock out on my last day. I have absolutely no expectations that this will go anywhere.
But for the first time in many, many years, I can actually feel myself developing a crush on someone. And it hurts. I think part of the reason I haven’t felt this way for so long is because I haven’t allowed myself to. Having never experienced a woman showing interest in me, why would I even entertain the possibility?
It also doesn’t help that I feel she’s way out of my league. Granted, I don’t know her all that well, but at face value she’s incredibly beautiful and comes across as kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and an all-round good person. I know I’m handsome, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and a good person too, but I still write myself off because I was abused as a child, I’m more introverted, I don’t have many friends, I don’t have my own place, and I don’t have a stable job. I catch myself seeing her chatting with a colleague and automatically assuming she prefers talking to him over me. Coupled with the fact that she seems far more extroverted than I am, it leaves me feeling like there was never much of a chance in the first place.
I’ll put my hands up and admit that I’m not very kind to myself, and that’s a big part of the problem. I’m not sure that’s a mindset I’ll ever be able to completely shift, even though I have therapy.
Any advice for me?
Playing In The Wrong Leagues
There’s no such thing as “leagues”, my guy. There’re people who like you and people who don’t like you. Most of what we describe about “leagues” tend to be matters of class and background, not objective levels of worth. If they like you, you’re in their “league”.
But you’ll never know if you’re in your co-worker’s league, because you’ve decided you’re not. This isn’t a question; you’ve pre-rejected yourself before you ever opened your mouth. And the sad thing is that you are doing this based on nothing but supposition and your relationship with yourself.
No, seriously. You know literally nothing about her other than how she looks. Everything else – from her supposed extroversion to how good a person she may be – is a collection of assumptions born out of the fact that you’re attracted to her. You think she’s beautiful and so you associate positive values and qualities to her with no evidence. You don’t know if she’s a good person, if the two of you are remotely compatible, or if she even dates men. But just as importantly, you’re also assuming that you know her preferences, tastes and deal breakers – things that you have invented out of whole cloth. You’ve decided you know her mind better than she does, even though you barely know her at all.
That’s important because it means that your obstacles to getting to know her are entirely made up, too. You don’t believe that she could possibly be interested in you because you don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be. It doesn’t matter that she’s never said so; you’ve decided it for her, facts be damned.
And hey, I’ll be real: it’s entirely possible that she wouldn’t be interested in you. But you’ll never know if that’s true, or why. Nor will you know if you had a chance, because you’ve already decided you don’t. That’s always going to be true of everyone you’re interested in, because that’s how you’ve decided to see the world. Until you change that, this is going to be the thing that holds you back, in every job and with every future crush, infatuation or attraction you have.
But let me put this to you: if it’s the case that she couldn’t possibly be into you, then you have nothing to lose by just talking to her. Not even asking her out, just having polite “get-to-know-you” conversation and see what she has going for her besides her looks. And if the two of you seem to be vibing, there’s likewise no reason not to shoot your shot and ask her out on a date anyway; the worst-case scenario is that she says “no” and you’re in the same place you were beforehand. Hell, if anything, you’re in a better position; now you have some certainty, and you can move on with your life instead of kicking yourself about another unrequited crush and wondering “what if”.
You’re already in therapy, which is good. I think you may need to ask yourself if this form of therapy or this therapist is actually working for you and helping things; therapy, like dating, isn’t one-size-fits-all. Effective therapy is as much about finding the right person and the right methodology as it is just going at all. Something like CBT or DBT might work better for you than what you’re doing now, or it could be a matter of finding a therapist that you click with. Working on your self-image, your sense of self-worth and self-acceptance is going to be crucial.
But just as importantly, you need to stop assuming that you’re a mind-reader or that you can see The Matrix and nobody else can. When you make assumptions, you just make an ass of u and ‘mptions.
Ok that worked better in my head.
You’re the one who’s decided that she’s out of your league, just as you’re the one who rejected you before you ever opened your mouth. She may be hot enough to make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window, but that doesn’t mean that she is your type or that you aren’t hers. It just means that you think she’s hot.
Start getting in the habit of just talking to people and getting to know them, even if you think they might be out of your reach. Give people the chance to get to know you and decide for themselves whether they like you or not. Even if they don’t, at least you aren’t giving up before you even start. But the fact of the matter is that nobody can go on a date that you don’t invite them on, nor can they decide whether they would be interested if you don’t give them the opportunity to find out first.
Good luck.
