Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
I’ve (m48) been in a relationship with somebody (f39) for two and a half years. She’s poly, with another partner. I am only interested in her. That’s all Gucci. But the nature of our relationship has been changing.
At first it was hot and heavy, and we had all the NRE and were inseparable. However, once the 2024 election happened, things changed. We are both sensitive people, and it made sense that things would change. We talked about it. We understood each other. We still have love and respect for each other but the physical relationship changed. I’m fine with that. She would stay over and we would have closeness and physical contact without the sex and it was still great. I do miss our sex life, and we talked about it months ago. That was the last time we had sex and it was awkward, it had been a long time, I was in my head that maybe I begged and it was pity sex, and couldn’t stop shaking like a nervous chihuahua.
Since then, life keeps happening. Medical procedures, pets dying, work responsibilities, the continuing attacks on democracy. She’s put her energy into her actions (keeping coy for privacy, but think labor). I’ve been throwing dozens of hours a week into activism. We just don’t have time for each other these days between everything. We’re down to a few hours for lunch every couple of weeks now.
There is still genuine affection and love between us. She’s the best partner I’ve ever had. I hate that I just want more time with her. I also never have a good moment to have the “let’s have a talk about the state of our relationship” conversation. There’s always a crisis going on and always something more important. And technically, I’m in a poly relationship. If I have “needs,” I am free to pursue them elsewhere.
But I don’t want to. I want to preserve this fantastic relationship with this woman I absolutely adore. I’m terrified of having this same conversation again and risking letting go of something I do not want to lose. I’ll be patient and keep taking whatever crumbs I can get. But I’m getting resentful during the weeks we don’t see each other and it’s going to come out gross and sideways one of these days.
I just don’t know what to do. I will keep on with it. I should have a difficult conversation, but there’s never a good time, and I’ve tried it before.
I am Sisyphus, this is my rock.
You know what you need to do, IAS; you just don’t want to do it. I don’t blame you for not wanting to; it sounds to me like it’s a conversation that’s going to be rough under the best of circumstances. But the thing is… it’s not going to get any easier the longer you wait. If anything, it’s going to just get worse, because you’re going to have more time to let that resentment and frustration build and you’re going to have more conversations with your partner in your head about it and those are only going to upset you even further.
I’m not going to get into whether or not a poly relationship is right for you, or if you’re poly or not, because this isn’t about being, it’s about having needs. Being poly doesn’t mean that you don’t actually have a problem, or that the answer is to just add another name into the polycule. For one, the needs you’re talking about are emotional, not sexual. Yeah, you want sex, but that sex is as much about intimacy and connection with your partner, not just a matter of getting your rocks off. You technically can go get those needs met elsewhere, but, again, those needs are about love and emotional intimacy – things that you’re not going to find over the weekend. Just as importantly, those needs aren’t necessarily fungible; you don’t just want intimacy, you want intimacy with her, the real thing, accept no substitutes. The fact that you could, in theory, go and date someone else doesn’t actually resolve the problem. Not really, and certainly not in any sort of timely manner. That is, at best, papering over a hole in the drywall and hoping that you remember not to try to hang a picture there.
And to be perfectly blunt, I kind of wonder if that’s part of how you’ve been putting off having this conversation. Trust me, I’m an expert in all the ways a person can self-rationalize out of making a hard call, and “well, technically I could go solve this another way…” is some real “…so I don’t need to deal with this until I’ve exhausted all other options”-ass rationalization.
Similarly, the problem isn’t that you have needs, and the answer is almost never going to be “have fewer needs”. The problem is that those needs are going unmet and, worse, you’re not talking about the fact that those needs are going unmet. Yeah, she’s busy. Yeah, shit sucks. You’re busy too. It’s weird how none of that is actually making those needs less… need…y.
Yeah ok, that sounded better in my head.
The point is that you’re feeling neglected, you’re feeling resentful, and you’re trying very hard to pretend that you’re not, and it’s not working. “I’ll take whatever crumbs I get” are not the words of someone who’s in a good emotional place or who is frustrated-but-ok-with-it. Those are the words of someone who feels like they’re an option instead of a priority and who has resigned themselves to pretending they like that. And I’m going to be real with you, there’s a lot of “…unlike the other guy you’re seeing,” in the aftertaste too.
And you know what? That’s ok. You can be jealous. Being jealous doesn’t mean that you’re doing poly wrong. Jealousy is like the check-engine light, and right now, that light is the weird little squiggle that says you’re missing some important stuff. And I’m sure there’s an undercurrent of resentment that her other partner may not be experiencing the same time-and-attention drought that you are. It may not be a pleasant feeling, but it’s an entirely understandable one, and navigating those feelings is a big part of how polyamory works. Or rather: how it is supposed to work.
You’re allowed to admit that this is bothering you. You’re allowed to want more. You may not be able to get more right now, but you’re still allowed to want. Suffering in noble silence isn’t going to change things. Frankly, “noble silence” never actually changes anything for the better; there’s a reason why the cliché is about squeaky wheels and not “wheels that are dealing with friction buildup but aren’t showing any outward signs.” Unless your partner is Jean Grey or Rachel Summers, the odds that she knows what’s going on in your head are very, very low. The only way she’s going to know that this is bothering you and you wish you had more time with her is if you say something. Otherwise, she has just as much evidence that you’re too busy for her as she may be for you.
But look, we’ve danced around it long enough, so let’s skip straight to the part you’re trying very hard not to admit to yourself. You’re afraid that if you ask for what you need and have that conversation about your relationship, you’re going to be told that this relationship is over. It may be a “I love you, but…”, conversation it may be a “My feelings have changed…” conversation, it may be a “I don’t have time for a relationship…” conversation. It may not be a full-bore break up, but rather a downgrade to the point that you’re not a partner as much as a friend with benefits. But regardless of the details, you’re afraid that it’s going to result in the end of a relationship with the best partner you ever had.
But, and I hate to be the one to say this, not having that conversation isn’t going to fix this, nor is it going to prevent any potential break up from happening. All you’re doing is dragging it out longer and making it hurt worse, and prolonging the amount of recovery time you’re going to need if this relationship does end.
I know how this all feels. Believe me, I know. As long as nobody says the actual words, you can pretend that it’s not a possibility or that it’s not happening. But that’s cope. You know that and I know that. That’s why this hurts so much. If this is the end, then pretending that it’s not isn’t going to change it. If having this conversation is the end, then the only thing that will have changed is that you’ve made it official. Until then, all you’re doing is keeping a relationship on life support when you know that those are the only things keeping it going.
That ain’t no way to live, man. And it sure isn’t any way to love, either. At the very least, if this is the end, you should at least be given the dignity of hearing it directly instead of letting things fester and decay away until it’s been months since you last saw each other in person.
And hey, maybe we’re both entirely wrong about this. Maybe this really is a case that she’s so busy that she’s barely able to string two thoughts together, never mind pay attention to her relationship(s). But if that’s the case, then you still need to say something before the rancor and bile has built up so much that you say something you don’t want to mean. Not that you don’t mean… that you don’t want to mean… but do.
There’s no easy way out, and there’s no short cut home. And you know if I’m down to quoting Robert Tepper I’m serious. The only way out is through, and that means that you’re going to have to call the question here. If you want to save this relationship – even if saving it means saving the affection and respect you have for her, so you can have any relationship in the future – you need to say the words “We need to talk…” and have that Awkward Conversation about what’s going on.
It sucks, but it’s necessary. The sooner you have that conversation, the sooner the healing can begin… however that healing is going to look.
Good luck.
I’ve recently started going on dates with a woman I’ve met off Hinge. We’ve had a few dates so far and I’m really enjoying seeing her. We seem to have good chemistry, we get along well and we’re starting to talk about whether or not we’re interested in taking this a little more seriously. She’s incredibly sweet and thoughtful and once even sent me food when I had to cancel a date because an emergency meant that all of us were going to be pulling an all-nighter at work.
I’ve been hesitating on actually saying ‘yes’, because I’ve had a series of bad relationships prior to her. I realize that many of those relationships were bad because I had low self-esteem and poor boundaries and while I think I’m doing better, I still worry that I’m setting myself up for a repeat of what I went through before.
The reason why I’m hesitating is that prior to the current woman, I was very much a “I can’t afford to be picky” type of guy. Because I felt like I didn’t have any room to say “no” or that I could find someone else if things didn’t work out with this person, I ended up in relationships with people who had things that I now realize should have been deal breakers. I ignored things that I thought I could get over or that I thought shouldn’t matter, and that clearly was a mistake. Now I’m terrified of making that mistake again and I over correct.
I will admit that I’ve been very hesitant since then and I’ve become incredibly sensitive to even the slightest issue that turns me off or annoys me. I’ve been working on this in therapy, and I realize that this has made me picky and a perfectionist and that this is getting in the way of relationships that might otherwise be just fine. But I’m so sensitive to the possibility of getting in yet another horrible relationship that I zero in on incredibly petty issues and I’m worried that I’m going to end up giving up a good thing because of it.
For example, the woman I’ve been seeing has some habits that kind of annoy me – nothing serious, just things like singing along to music I don’t like or spending what to my mind feels like an inordinate amount of time on Instagram and TikTok, or the way she will occasionally be chewing or drinking when we talk on the phone, the sound of which drives me crazy.. Value-wise we’re the same, we have similar politics (I’m a little more politically active than her but we generally believe the same things), we’re both in agreement on whether we would want kids and neither of us are particularly religious. I would be lying if I said that the little things are things I wish I could make go away, but I also know that this is ultimately my problem and not hers, so I don’t feel like it’s my place to say anything about it.
How do I know when something is an actual deal breaker and when I’m just being too sensitive about things and I need to get over myself?
High Tension Low Stakes
The thing about deal breakers is that if they matter to you, then they’re real. There’s no court that you have to plead your case before in order to justify breaking up with someone or deciding you don’t want to see them. You don’t need to file for a permit in order to end a relationship. You can just decide that you want out, for any reason. If that reason is “I can’t stand the way her nose makes whistling noises when she breathes”, that reason is as valid as any.
People can think those reasons are stupid… but they’re not the ones in the relationship. You are. So if it’s something you’re willing to end a relationship over, then that’s your call. People can have opinions, but they don’t get a vote.
Now someone dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot because there’s a big but coming…
BUT! While you’re free to decide that any petty little thing is a deal breaker, it’s worth asking whether that annoyance outweighs everything else that this relationship brings to your life.
Everyone gets to decide where their priorities lie, but I think it’s important to ask yourself just how important some things are and how much they will meaningfully affect your relationship, your trust, love, connection and future with that particular person. There are flaws and then there are problems… not everyone’s going to be a problem but everyone has flaws.
Except Samantha Mathis, who is God’s special angel and made of light, anyway.
Personally, the things that I would consider to be a problem are ones that are going to make a significant issue for you in your life. This might, for example, be you wanting kids and your theoretical future wife being absolutely determined that she does not. This is a binary issue; you either have kids or you don’t. You can’t test-drive having a kid in any real sense – even babysitting cousins or nieces and nephews aren’t going to really tell you what having a kid is going to be like.
Similarly, wildly incompatible politics would be a problem. People can have disagreements on things like, say, fiscal policy, but “well I think that you or the people you love and care about don’t deserve civil rights,” isn’t a disagreement. That’s a pretty big fucking problem.
But where you draw the line on what’s a problem and what isn’t is very personal. If you’re someone with addiction issues and who struggles with staying sober, dating someone who drinks or does drugs would be a problem. For someone else, that would be a non-issue, but for you that would be a huge deal.
Other things may seem petty to other people but could be of great importance to you. If your theoretical partner’s behavior kept causing you flashbacks to an abusive ex – even if it were perfectly innocent or benign – then that could well be a deal breaker for you. It’s not that they’re doing anything wrong, per se, but it’s simply a hurdle that you may not be able to get over. That would be a problem.
One thing to ask not just how much do these things bother you, but how easy it is to mitigate or ignore those things. There’s nothing stopping you from popping some earbuds in and listening to your own favorite jams when your date starts singing along to her Spotify playlist after all. If her time on social media isn’t actively taking away from time spent with you or isn’t causing issues – you’re not late to the movie because she was watching too many reels on Instagram, for example – then that’s the sort of thing you could probably just roll your eyes at but otherwise ignore. And unless your misophonia means that just eating dinner with her is intolerable, you probably could just ask that she not eat when you’re on the phone with her.
Or, y’know, text instead.
But another thing to consider is that the things that annoy you can also be the things that become part of what make that relationship unique and special, and that you’d miss when they’re gone. Anyone who’s lost a friend or family member knows the feeling of “man, I would fist fight God if it meant that I could have one more day of Dad having long, drawn-out conversations with complete strangers,” or “I’d give anything to have Mom puttering around the house and cleaning because I never keep it clean to her standards one more time.”
But if you want a quick and dirty way of knowing whether something is going to rise to the level of deal breaker for you? Take a moment and just project into the future a little. If you knew that this particular flaw or annoyance would always be there and never change… how long would you be able to put up with it? Could you see yourself being with her for 6 months, knowing that her taste in music will never improve? Could you put up with her social media habits for a year? Five years? Ten?
If those little flaws aren’t at a level where putting up with them for years would be intolerable? Then I don’t think they’re things you really need to declare to be a deal breaker, especially if she’s a kind, caring and giving person. As the sage once said: there’re a million fine women out there, but not all of them will bring you lasagna at work.
Good luck.
