Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves detailed discussion of rape and sexual assault.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I hope you are well. I’ve read some of your blogs and just really need some advice about a situation that occurred 4 months ago.
So, I’m 23F and I ended up having drunk sex with a colleague (possible 10-15 years older than me, he lied about his age from beginning) drinking 4 months ago.
For context, we all worked in a hotel and this night I was sleeping in the hotel because I didn’t have a car. All my colleagues actually lived in the hotel upstairs in staff rooms. I remember bits around the sex from before and after, such as the pub and taxi ride there but 4 months on my brain has blocked out what happened in that room. This guy had been pushing for sex at work for months. I initially kept telling him I had a boyfriend but eventually stopped because it didn’t seem to make a difference. He started off so nice but began with lingering touches and asking me to come to private spaces and touching me during work. Most of the time I laughed it off or froze and told him to stop when I could find my voice. He also messaged me constantly outside work and I started to develop a mix of confusing feelings. I felt an affection (he said we were friends and that I could trust him) but also a lot of anxiety, especially when he insulted me or pulled away/sulked. He said he cared about me and that I was selfish for not trusting him. He was also overly flattering, calling me beautiful and even said he loved me after 6 weeks, this shocked me and I told him to take some space. Sometimes, during our interactions he blocked exits when I tried to leave, once he actually pulled my hair plait to stop me leaving. I didn’t want to get him in trouble and just kept letting it happen. His behaviour slowly became normal and expected and very hot/cold.
This carried on for months until one night before a work event we were chatting in a hotel room beforehand. He had got angry at me day before and again I just wanted to fix his mood. I had been drinking maybe half a bottle of wine. Suddenly, he pinned my wrists and I said ‘I can’t do this’. I was a bit drunk and tried to move out of his grip. I remember turning my head away but he continued kissing my neck. Eventually, I slowly turned my head and gave in, kissing him back. My mind was racing and I didn’t know what to do. Then I just lay there and froze as he continued. This is all I clearly remember. The worst part is I know that I was outwardly behaving as if I was enjoying it and may have even said things to indicate it. This really confused me. I do remember having one thought where I just thought about my boyfriend as a distraction, but I couldn’t tell you what was happening during that thought. Apparently after the sex stopped, I called my boyfriend immediately but have no memory of this. I just remember hearing a knock on a door somewhere. After, I have a memory of walking down to the hotel reception to go with our work group and just didn’t process what had happened. The colleague held my hand in the taxi and I just let him. I had some shots, maybe 2-3, came back in taxi and tried to call boyfriend. My call logs show I tried to call him 7 times in 10 minutes (again no recollection of this now). I then don’t remember letting my colleague in but I did text him to come down. I remember feeling like sex had already happened so there was no point now. I felt distressed. I cannot remember any of the sex, just washing my makeup off after. I can’t remember a single thing that happened in that room 4 months ago. The next morning, I woke up and when the reality of what had happened hit me, I ended up having an urge to vomit and was sick. I then felt cold and a bit shaky. The guy had to leave he said before anyone saw him. He just left me shaking and seemed so calm about it, I just stared at wall for ages wrapped up in disbelief. I felt horrible. I then went to work and had panic waves throughout day. I remember going to this colleague because I had this urge to check he was happy with me/not angry. He seemed off and it made me feel horrible. I then went home and collapsed exhausted. The next day I realised again what had happened and had an intense panic attack and told my dad I cheated. The next week was agonising, I had horrid panic attacks, couldn’t eat or sleep, eventually confessed to boyfriend. He told me it sounds like assault and that I was manipulated.
I also only realised the next day that the guy didn’t use a condom. He said I was killing if I didn’t keep a potential baby. I’m still in shock from all these 4 months on. I feel like I should have known and if I participated/ seemed outwardly to enjoy it even if I don’t remember, maybe I wanted it? Maybe it’s just because it’s been 4 months that I can’t remember it? But I remember mundane bits around it like the song in the taxi, a conversation at the pub. Just none of the sex. I couldn’t even tell you if I helped take my clothes off, If I initiated/ what positions happened.
6 weeks after all this happened, I developed panic attacks at night, racing heart, vomiting and intense images (not sure if they are real or made up) of me participating.
I feel like I’m going crazy, and need some clarification.
Just need some advice please!
Still All A Blur
SAAB, you’re not alone. I get so many letters like these, and how almost every time, the letter writer is feeling guilty and responsible for what happened to them, as though they are the ones who did something wrong. So many of them involve people who feel like they cheated on their partners or somehow bear the responsibility for what happened…
So let’s get this out of the way right at the top, SAB: this was not your fault. You were assaulted. What you’re describing is sexual assault; in many jurisdictions, it is legally considered rape. What this absolutely was not was something you caused, allowed to happen, consented to or are at fault for. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t choose this, you didn’t cause. This was not your fault. I want you to remember that. This was a crime and it was done to you. The only person who is guilty here is your co-worker, who harassed you, manipulated you, took advantage of you and then assaulted you. The fact that you “participated” – for suitably coercive definitions of “participate” – doesn’t change things. It is, in fact, something that is very common for people who’ve experienced sexual assault like the one you experienced.
Let me break things down, so hopefully you’ll understand what went down and why this isn’t on you. And we’ll start with your co-worker’s behavior before the night in question.
From the start, you describe someone who’s been pressuring you and pushing you constantly and who’s been leveraging your youth, gender and socialization against you. That last part is important; even in the far flung future of 2026, women and AFAB people are socialized to go-along-to-get-along and prioritize not making a scene over standing up for themselves and risking conflict or confrontation – especially when that conflict is with a man.
The way that he kept pushing despite your mentioning having a boyfriend is a prime example of this; he would plow forward regardless, and you eventually stopped saying things because it wasn’t helping. That’s precisely why he kept ignoring it; whether this was a deliberate and conscious plan or not, the tact of “just keep pressing the issue” got his desired result of getting you to drop a line of resistance by making you feel like it was futile.
The same applies to the deluge of messages, touching and all the rest. The point was to force compliance and acceptance, relying on your reticence to push back harder to make you eventually allow it. Not “agree to it”, allow it. The confused feelings you were experiencing were part and parcel of it all – the mix of anxiety and what may have been affection from the attention are all meant to keep you off balance and compliant, so that you’re less likely to push back. It’s particularly aimed at making you feel like you are wrong for being upset or resisting – hence comments like how you are the selfish one for not trusting him. Never mind the fact that he hasn’t earned your trust and has, in fact, demonstrated that you shouldn’t trust him since he doesn’t respect a “no”, soft or otherwise; it’s you who are wrong for being upset at him. This is straight DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, and it’s meant to keep you from making a fuss that might get him in trouble.
That comment you made about how his behavior became “normal and expected”? That’s exactly what he wanted – an “oh, that’s just Fuckhead McGee, he’s like that,” normalizing behavior that should never be accepted in the first place and helping to insulate him from consequences.
It’s important to understand that much of your reactions are entirely normal and understandable. The reactions you had before the assault – the laughing it off and/or freezing – are both responses to panic; they’re ways that you instinctually try to avoid an escalation in the moment. It’s entirely understandable too – he’s older than you and almost certainly larger and physically stronger. This increases the pressure to just get through the interaction without making things worse; after all, the potential consequences for you if he gets upset could be worse than just enduring shitty behavior for a moment.
I want to emphasize this, because it’s also a crucial part of what happened when he assaulted you, starting with you feeling like you had to fix his mood because he’d been angry before. This wasn’t your responsibility, but one he had been pushing onto you through his behavior – that you had to manage his moods and emotions for him. It’s a very common dynamic in toxic and abusive relationships and it’s a method of maintaining an emotional upper hand by forcing the other person into a position of needing to please the abuser.
But where it most comes into effect is in the assault itself. You mention giving in, kissing him back and behaving as though you were enjoying it. I want to make this abundantly clear: this is all normal, and it does not mean that you consented. What was happening was, again, an instinctual response to danger. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response in regards to panic and danger. While this is accurate, it’s incomplete; it’s more accurate to say that the options tend to be fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The last two are very important, because they happen far more frequently. The freeze response is two-fold; first it’s an attempt to not make things worse, so you hold still and hope that the moment will pass. Secondly, it’s a reaction to the surge of adrenaline in your system. If you’re not used to it, you’re far more likely to lock up than to do something. It often takes months or years of training and practice to break out of this response, turning action into muscle memory so that your body responds even when your brain has gone blank.
The fawn response, likewise, is an attempt at de-escalation; you’re going along with what is happening in order to keep things from getting even worse. It’s your brain trying to ensure that you survive whatever is happening to you by not angering or aggravating the other person. This is why people will laugh, even when they’re terrified or – as you experienced – seem to participate when they’re being assaulted. It’s the very understandable attempt to accept that what’s happening is bad, but could escalate to physical violence or even murder, and your priority is survival. It may fuck you up psychologically, but you’ll still be alive, and our brains want us alive more than they want us to be happy.
This is also part of why you were worried about his being angry, and why you felt awful because he seemed upset. It’s the very understandable worry that things could still escalate and you weren’t safe yet. You were in the state of “just get through this until you’re safe” until you got home. That’s a big part of why you were in a fugue state; all resources were being redirected to “get through this, get out of here, get safe”.
Everything afterwards, from the panic attack to the holes in your memory are all, likewise, completely normal. Between the trauma of the assault and the alcohol, you weren’t in a place where very little was going to get written to disk, and none of it was going to be as important as getting clear of the guy and to a place where you felt safe.
I need to emphasize, again, that the guilt and responsibility you feel is entirely undeserved. He used every lever he had against you, every form of social pressure that he could get his hands on, pushing buttons that may not have been factory installed but were brought on by the way that women are raised and taught how to be. That doesn’t make it your fault. That’s all him.
You didn’t make him do anything. Failing to prevent him from hurting you doesn’t mean you share the blame. The person who committed the crime is the criminal. The person who couldn’t stop the crime isn’t a co-conspirator or accomplice, they’re the victim. You “participated” in as much as not wanting him to harm you even further; that doesn’t make you complicit, it makes you a survivor. I want you to remember that. You survived. That was your job in that situation and you did that. You are not to blame.
I also want to emphasize something that comes up for victims of assault: you’re not responsible for what he did to you and you’re not responsible for what he does to other people. He is the sole person responsible for what he has done and what he will do. You are not, no matter how it may feel. This is all on him, always has been and always will be.
I’m glad that your boyfriend is being supportive. That’s incredibly important. I hope you have a strong support network of people who love you and care about you and are ready to hold you up and have your back. I highly, highly recommend that you go to a doctor or clinic – preferably ones that are trauma-informed, especially about sexual trauma – to get a full-panel STI screening and pregnancy test and get any treatments that may end up being necessary. After that, I would likewise recommend that you talk to someone who specializes in sexual trauma and sexual assault. You have a lot of pain and unearned guilt and a trained professional can help you not just understand what you’re feeling and what you went through, but how to manage it, how you can recover and heal, and point you to resources and further support.
You’re not alone in this, and it’s not your fault. None of it, start to finish, was your fault. It was all him. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t allow this, you didn’t encourage it. This was not your fault.
Just as importantly, I want you to remember: you survived. You got through this. You’re a survivor. That’s a testament to your strength and your resilience. Never forget that part, because it’s just as important as remembering that it’s not your fault. That strength kept you alive and kept you whole, and it’s what’s going to help you heal.
You are much stronger than you realize, and while things are horrible now, I promise: things will get better. You will get better.
Remember that.
All will be well.
