DISCLAIMER: While this story is true, all comparisons to any actual persons are merely coincidental. However, none of the story is dramatized or exaggerated for entertainment purposes. The column is written under a pseudonym to protect the identities of all involved.
I love football. Not in the pick-me, ‘I’m just one of the guys’ way. I love it in the most Layla sense: I like watching big dudes in tight uniforms tackle each other, basically.
Sure, male student athletes have some pitfalls. They can be egotistical, preoccupied with their sport and often a little out of it. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is very real, but those muscles are real, too. Well, maybe real; steroid-use is also a potential pitfall that unfortunately can’t be discounted.
So yes, these guys may have plenty of reasons as to why they wouldn’t make good boyfriends, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying everything that a D1 athlete has to offer.
Go D1, just without the commitment. If you’re going to have a roster, it might as well be stacked with guys on an official one. Today, we’re gonna talk about Ted.
Ted and I were chit-chatting for a while before anything actually happened. He was bailing left and right during the fall semester, conjuring lame excuses concerning practice or a game or a team event. Right, because football season is so busy for a guy on the worst D1 team in the country. I don’t like to do the chasing, but I can say that the wait was definitely worth it.
On a fateful spring afternoon in the middle of the week, our schedules just happened to line up. I had some stress that needed to be relieved, and far too little shame not to reach out one last time. If he said no, it was no stress. Thank God he didn’t, though.
Regardless of his prowess on the field (or potential lack thereof considering our team’s record), I could tell his coach put him up to some good conditioning exercises. I might be active, but I was out of breath trying to keep up with Ted. I mean, at one point my airflow was as constricted as the “deflate-gate” footballs, so maybe it was that.
22nd tip: Athletes have stamina. If you’re looking for a guy that can go all night, look no further. Play coach and make him run some drills, if you catch my drift.
Good stamina isn’t the only perk. One of the easiest ways to identify a football player, particularly a defensive player or a hybrid offensive, is their stature. I, as most girls my age, love a tall man. Ted was a full foot taller than me.
Besides being tall, Ted was horizontally gifted as well. Muscular and broad-shouldered, I had no doubt that we’d be able to get up to some interesting things at his place. If a regular guy is a bicycle, Ted was an assisted electric. Riding is a lot easier when the bike just moves you — and it’s definitely a lot more fun when it moves you with biceps the size of your entire head.
At certain points, I wondered how he could keep up with certain positional situations we were finding ourselves in. Holding up my entire body weight in his arms while using his legs for movement seemed like a tall task, but not for Ted. I guess that hip thrust machine at the gym comes in handy for guys, too.
23rd tip: Athletes are strong. If you ever want to try anything especially advanced in the pose department, you’ll need a nice, sturdy foundation to hold you up.
Ted and I made a great team. We got along well, we matched each other’s freak and we wanted the same things. There was never the idea of it going somewhere further. It was all it needed to be. That’s my main point of advice to you.
No matter how tempting the life of a WAG seems, don’t start it with just any college athlete you come across. Sure, they’re often handsome, tall and well-built, but those aren’t the only qualities you want when signing a guy to a multi-season deal.
Besides, another draft is always around the corner. Scout your players wisely and be ready to trade the ones who just don’t do it for you anymore. As the coach, prioritize yourself and your team, not one player. Clear eyes and full hearts can’t lose, baby. Maybe the next column I write should be on Coach Taylor from “Friday Night Lights.”
24th tip: Don’t get too attached to your player. You might have fun with him, but in the end, he’s his own biggest fan. Don’t waste your time on the sidelines for a guy whose true love is his sport.
Layla Starling can be reached at [email protected] and [email protected]. Also, my number is 678-999-8212, text me 😉
