hello. My long lost friend- my writing page.. where I’d come to spill all of my thoughts and feelings; the things that make me, me. it’s been awhile since I’ve written. Well, ‘out loud’ per se. I’ve written to people who made me feel things in my heart… family… but I feel those messages went a bit maybe, unread and not fully grasped. I suppose that’s why I’m here again. my perspective on life and people continue to grow, shape, and change. But not in a bad way. Just in an ‘eye opening’ way. An evolving way. Growth, but only by experience, pain, hardships. unfortunate, really. we have to endure so much to learn as we go- and painful things at that. And I didn’t know how much I’d lose. People I whole heartily adored, trusted, and animals, places. I grieve them at a constant. my mind and heart are so deep; it’s so overwhelming most of the time. I’m always wondering who, what, when, next. I did this to myself- I love so deeply, I hold on so tightly. most cannot even fathom, nor understand the way or lengths I love. I live to love. I love to love. Romanticize is all. if I don’t feel that, my body and nervous system are so sad. where did all the lovers go? the ones that crave just being wanted and adored by their person, one person.
I’ve always come back to this page because of one thing… my heart; love. Whether I was head over heels or absolutely dying from it. I don’t know the last time I came back to it… but I do remember how I felt writing many of these entries- how the butterflies felt fluttering thru my body… or, how my heart felt as the blood was slowly being drained from it. A few days ago, a friend told me to start writing about my sadness. I said ‘but then I would be giving it more attention than it deserves.’ And focusing on it more, will make me even more sad’. But they were right. My hands are naturally so busy, as is my mind. I’ve been thru hell. my mind is just tired. but I’m still here. I want to write these so I can come back to read them again someday. Because i want to feel that ‘epiphany’ feeling again of ‘ahhh, all that had to happen to get to HERE’. I am living to feel that again. Today, after 6 years, N told me that me expressing my feelings, wants, needs, trying to heal the trauma, betrayal, insecurities, built within the relationship over the last years… ‘didn’t sustain him’. I sat with that statement for such a long time, and I think I will for a very long time. I find it so odd how someone can so easily forget the person they fell in love with. I have been thru so much, yet, I am still here. Fighting for me, us. Wanting. Investing. and I am shamed for it. It is such a defeating feeling. How am I ever supposed to heal if I can’t ever feel safe or secure and I’m always being shut down? I hope someday a love finds me that I don’t feel I have to beg to be heard or understood. I wake up every morning with the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt in my life- true heart pain. I feel so lost… grasping at anything that makes a lick of sense in my life anymore. yet, no one is there when I grasp… not willingly anyways. this kills me. this will kill me. Real love, real romance, please find me again. I promise we won’t mess it up this time around. just don’t give up on me… And don’t make me feel so alone. until then… I’ll be here, existing… trying…. Praying… working on myself.
