“Just two more minutes!”
“Okay, one last episode.”
“Why are you crying? We have to go!”
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve said at least one of these things — probably more often than you’d like. From morning rushes and school-time goodbyes to bedtime negotiations and unexpected meltdowns, some of the toughest parenting moments can come from the smallest things.
But what if a few simple changes in how we respond could make these moments a little easier?
Mom influencer and parenting coach Rahela Tayyebi @imperfectbusymom believes that parenting doesn’t always have to be about correcting behaviour. Sometimes, it’s about understanding what is happening underneath it.
She shares five simple rules that families can bring into their everyday routines — from giving a child a long hug to offering a warning before screen time ends.
And while these may sound like simple parenting hacks, there is research around many of the ideas behind them.
1. Start with a 20-second hug
When a child is upset, our first instinct can be to ask questions, explain what went wrong or immediately try to fix the problem.
Rahela suggests doing something much simpler first: hug them.
She recommends making long hugs part of the daily routine — when your child wakes up, returns from school or goes to bed. And when they’re overwhelmed, try saying, “Come here, let’s have a big hug first.”
When emotions run high, a warm hug can come before the questions, explanations and corrections — giving a child a moment to feel safe and understood. Photograph: (Shutterstock)
That physical connection can help a child feel safe enough to calm down before you talk through what happened.
According to a study from the University of North Carolina, physical affection has been linked with lower stress and greater feelings of connection and wellbeing. Research on affectionate touch also suggests that touch can influence the body’s stress response and strengthen social bonds.
While the specific “20-second” timing is best understood as a practical guideline rather than a scientifically fixed number, the larger idea is using warm physical connection to help a child feel safe.
2. Give them nine minutes of connection every day
You don’t need an hour of uninterrupted one-on-one time to make your child feel connected.
Try focusing on three important moments instead: the first three minutes after they wake up, the first three minutes after they return from a long separation such as school, and the last three minutes before bed.
It could be as simple as a cuddle in the morning, sitting down together after school, or reading a bedtime story.
Instead of immediately asking, “How was school?”, try, “I missed you today! I’m so happy to see you.”
This idea draws from attachment research, including Mary Ainsworth’s work on secure attachment, which showed the importance of responsive and consistent caregiver relationships in helping children feel secure.
The research doesn’t establish a scientifically prescribed “nine-minute rule”, but it supports the larger idea that warm, responsive interactions during everyday moments can strengthen the parent-child bond.
3. Give a two-minute warning before transitions
For a child engrossed in their favourite cartoon, being told “Switch it off NOW” can feel like the end of the world.
Instead, Rahela recommends giving them a little time to prepare.
Before screen time ends, it’s time to leave the park or bedtime begins, say: “Two more minutes, then we’re done.”
Connection doesn’t always need hours of uninterrupted time. A few undistracted minutes at the start and end of the day can become meaningful moments for a child. Photograph: (iStock)
You can even give them a choice: “Do you want to turn it off yourself, or should I?”
The boundary stays the same — but the child gets a chance to prepare for it.
Studies on predictable routines and transitions suggest that children tend to cooperate better when they know what to expect.
Giving advance notice can make changes feel less sudden and help children prepare emotionally. The exact two-minute window is a practical strategy, rather than a universal scientific rule.
4. Try to keep the positives coming
“No.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Stop.”
“Why did you do that?”
Parents have to correct their children — that’s part of parenting. But Rahela suggests making sure correction isn’t the only kind of interaction children receive.
Her rule is to aim for five positive interactions for every negative one. That could mean praising a small act of kindness, laughing together, playing, giving a hug, or simply telling your child you appreciate them.
So after saying, “No jumping on the couch!”, you could follow it with, “But you can jump on the trampoline outside.”
Parenting naturally involves setting boundaries, but children also need to hear what they’re doing right. Small moments of praise, play and affection can make correction feel less constant. Photograph: (Story Kids)
The well-known 5:1 ratio comes from psychologist Dr John Gottman’s research on adult relationships, where he found that stable relationships had significantly more positive than negative interactions.
While the original research was not conducted on parent-child relationships, the principle has been widely applied to parenting as a reminder to balance correction with warmth and encouragement.
5. Before calling it a meltdown, do a H.A.L.T. check
Sometimes a child can go from perfectly happy to absolutely inconsolable in seconds.
Before assuming they’re being difficult, ask yourself: Are they Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?
When was the last time they ate? Did they sleep properly? Are they feeling left out? Are they simply overwhelmed?
Sometimes, a snack, a hug, some rest or a quiet moment together can do more than another warning ever could.
There is evidence linking inadequate sleep with irritability, emotional outbursts and difficulties with emotional regulation in children. Research has also explored how factors such as hunger and low blood glucose can influence mood and behaviour.
Before calling it a meltdown, pause and look beneath the behaviour. Sometimes a hungry, lonely, angry or tired child needs a snack, a hug or some rest — not another warning.
Photograph: (Unsplash)
The H.A.L.T. framework itself is a practical tool, but its underlying message is simple: sometimes behaviour is a signal that a basic emotional or physical need needs attention.
At the heart of all five rules is one simple shift: before reacting to the behaviour, pause and connect with the child behind it.
Because sometimes, the thing your child needs most isn’t another instruction — it’s a hug, a little warning, a moment of reassurance or simply a parent willing to ask, “What’s really going on here?”
