Nine’s SHARK! is reality TV chum tossed into the ocean — and somehow it kind of works
There’s a moment early in Nine’s new celebrity reality experiment SHARK! where celebrity contestant Matt Nable looks nervously toward the ocean and declares:
“It’s not good TV if one of us gets eaten…”
Respectfully, Matt, the Channel 9 ratings department may disagree…
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Because while SHARK! desperately wants viewers to believe its celebrities are flirting with imminent death every five minutes, the inconvenient truth hanging over the entire production like a soggy life jacket is this: if somebody had been eaten by a tiger shark during filming in the Bahamas, we probably would have heard about it by now.
That slight lack of actual jeopardy doesn’t stop Nine from serving this series with all the subtlety of a bucket of bloody fish guts dumped off a pier.
And honestly? That’s exactly what makes it entertaining.
Filmed in the crystal clear waters of Bimini in the Bahamas, SHARK! strands a collection of somewhat famous Australians in increasingly terrifying underwater encounters with bull sharks, hammerheads and tiger sharks, all while ominous music screams at viewers like a horror movie trailer voiced by a man who exclusively eats gravel.
The celebrity lineup itself feels delightfully random — as though somebody at Nine tipped over a wheelie bin full of talent contracts and simply filmed whoever rolled out.
There’s Olympic champion Ariarne Titmus, The Block’s Scott Cam, former Home & Away star Lynne McGranger, actor Matt Nable, former NRL player Sam Thaiday, influencer Tammy Hembrow and, in what becomes one of the series’ more visually committed supporting roles, Tammy Hembrow’s boobs.
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Ariarne Titmus struggles emotionally in open water as Shark! exposes a vulnerable side rarely seen from the Olympic superstar. (image – Channel 9)
Scott Cam approaches Shark! with trademark confidence, even as the reality of swimming beside tiger sharks begins to sink in. (image – Channel 9)
Former Home & Away star Lynne McGranger brings chaotic energy and comic relief to Shark! with her fearless attitude and unpredictable reactions. (image – Channel 9)
The entire show operates like I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! after three Red Bulls and a Discovery Channel marathon.
Leading the expedition are former Navy clearance diver and shark attack survivor Paul de Gelder alongside shark researcher and photographer Annie Guttridge.
Now to be fair, de Gelder’s story is genuinely extraordinary. Losing a hand and leg in a shark attack is the sort of experience that understandably shapes a person forever.
But SHARK! treats this fact with the restraint of a toddler smashing cymbals.
If there’s a pause longer than 90 seconds without somebody mentioning Paul de Gelder lost his hand and leg to a shark, producers practically appear ready to launch a flare gun into the sky reminding viewers about it.
Meanwhile, Annie Guttridge attempts to inject genuine science and conservation messaging into proceedings, bravely trying to explain shark behaviour while editors smash cut to dramatic music and close-up shots of teeth the size of garden tools.
The show repeatedly insists its mission is to challenge misconceptions about sharks.
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Yet every five minutes someone whispers, “This thing could kill you instantly.”
It’s essentially a marine biology lecture directed by the people who make disaster movies.
Still, the celebrities themselves make the whole ridiculous exercise strangely watchable.
Scott Cam arrives armed with enough blokey clichés to single-handedly sustain a Bunnings sausage sizzle for six months.
“Im sure Channel 9 doesn’t want me to die”
declares Cam soon after his arrival, blissfully unaware that viewers are baying for blood.
Lynne McGranger spends much of the episode behaving like your favourite slightly inappropriate aunt after two chardonnays at Christmas lunch. She’s kooky, chaotic and gloriously unconcerned with maintaining dignity.
Meanwhile poor Ariarne Titmus spends much of the premiere episode emotionally unravelling before our eyes.
Watching one of Australia’s greatest swimmers become progressively more distressed in open water feels a bit like watching Superman discover he’s allergic to capes.
Then there’s Sam Thaiday, who somehow emerges as the warm beating heart of the series.
Even while floating in shark-infested waters, Thaiday remains impossibly lovable — like a giant golden retriever accidentally dropped into Jaws.
And yes, Tammy Hembrow absolutely understands her assignment.
While everyone else arrives emotionally preparing for survival, Hembrow appears to have arrived for a luxury swimwear campaign accidentally interrupted by apex predators.
There’s no subtlety to any of it. The editing is dramatic. Every shark reveal is treated like the second coming of Jaws.
Tammy Hembrow embraces the glamour of Shark! while the rest of the cast spiral into visible panic underwater. (image – Channel 9)
And like so much modern Australian television, the premiere episode is bloated enough to require its own flotation device. There’s easily 20 minutes here that could’ve been trimmed without anyone noticing.
Yet somehow, despite all its nonsense, SHARK! remains strangely watchable
It’s ridiculous television.
But it’s entertaining ridiculous television.
Like watching celebrities voluntarily marinate themselves in anxiety while producers circle overhead like seagulls fighting over hot chips.
And really, that’s probably exactly what Nine was hoping for.
SHARK! premieres Sunday, May 31, at 7.00pm on Channel 9 and 9Now.
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