“I loved her as a person,” she tells me. “But when she’s with her ex, she reverts to the worst version of herself.” She tells me the friend would regularly make excuses for her partner’s infidelity (which she once proudly set as a dealbreaker) and even cut off other, well-intentioned friends who disapproved. “I can only give advice so much,” she says, “and I realised it’s up to her to follow through.”
How to support a friend who can’t quit their ex
It’s a tricky situation: You want to maintain your sanity without coming across as insensitive.
To start with, what you shouldn’t do, Dr. Ferrari recommends against issuing ultimatums (like “Break up with him, or I’m done with you”) or letting frustration turn into judgment (“Why are you still doing this?” “I told you this would happen.” “I can’t believe you’re going back…”).
“Your goal isn’t to punish the friend but to keep the friendship healthy, so resentment doesn’t build,” Dr. Ferrari advises—in which case, communicating certain boundaries, like the ones below, can prepare you for the next time your friend inevitably resurfaces their relationship drama:
“Do you want advice, or are you mostly looking to vent?”
Your instinct may be to jump into problem-solving mode, but sometimes your friend just needs to complain. Clarifying what they prefer upfront saves you the energy of drafting solutions they may not be ready to hear.
“It’s hard to watch you go through the same situation again. Maybe we can take a step back from talking about this and focus on other things that’ll take your mind off?”
This way, you’re shifting the conversation away from stressful relationship drama while still showing you care about your bond and them, as a person.
“I care about you so much, but this has been overwhelming for me lately. Can we take a break from talking about it for a bit?”
This option prioritises your emotional bandwidth, but still makes clear that the friendship itself isn’t in question.
Of course, if you suspect their push-pull dynamic is something more insidious, or even abusive, it’s important to recognise that this goes beyond relationship drama—in which case, getting your friend to therapy should be your priority.
Now, when the relationship isn’t dangerous (as far as you’re aware), but just…messy? Ultimately, protecting your peace doesn’t make you a “bad” friend—just as endlessly absorbing their problems doesn’t make you a better one. And if you’re the one who’s always getting back with your ex? We’re not saying you shouldn’t seek support, but the very least you can do is acknowledge your crew’s behind-the-scenes effort: A tiny bit of recognition goes a long way for the friend who’s been quietly biting their tongue through the chaos.
