Not getting along with your mother-in-law or fighting thoughts about “Damn, my mother-in-law hates me” is an archetypal kind of dilemma: a cliché movie trope, a hot topic in Reddit threads and mom-group chats, and, apparently, something even celebrities have to deal with.
Over the weekend, Brooklyn Beckham took to Instagram to confirm a long-rumoured feud within his family, in the process revealing a strained relationship between his wife, Nicola Peltz Beckham, and his parents, Victoria and David Beckham. “My wife has been consistently disrespected by my family, no matter how hard we’ve tried to come together as one,” he wrote in a series of Instagram stories, claiming that they called Nicola “not family,” that his father only agreed to see him “under the condition that Nicola wasn’t invited,” and that his mother allegedly hijacked the couple’s first dance at their wedding.
While many in-law conflicts aren’t as dramatic (or headline-grabbing), the experience of navigating a fractured or tense relationship with a partner’s parent is surely relatable—whether it’s passive-aggressive comments, unsolicited advice or a fundamental personality clash that no amount of “bonding” can fix. “It’s common because there’s a built-in loyalty conflict,” says Lisa Chen, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist. “Your partner is forming a new family unit, and some parents struggle with that loss of influence and lack of control.”
So how do you thrive—or even just survive—alongside someone who’s a major part of your partner’s life…but also your source of tension? Here are a few key strategies, according to family and relationship therapists, to deal with those ‘mother-in-law hates me’ thoughts.
1. Pre-plan boundaries with your partner before doing anything else
Before confronting your mother-in-law directly (or letting resentment build), talk through your frustrations with the person you’re actually in the relationship with. From there, you can work together to set boundaries and limits that feel reasonable and fair to you both, says Nari Jeter, licensed couples therapist in Florida and cohost of The Coupled Podcast. That might mean agreeing to time limits of two hours at family gatherings, capping visits to only once a week or deciding certain topics (like finances, fertility or parenting choices) are off the table. Being aligned with your SO will give you a strong foundation as a team and set you up for better success if, down the road, you do choose to confront her.
2. Choose your battles
In a dynamic that’s already strained, awkward or generally uncomfortable, it’s easy to feel irritated by nearly everything your MIL says or does—an offhand comment about your cooking, a judgmental remark about how you’re raising your kids, a casual comparison to someone else’s wife. While frustration, in these cases, is understandable, responding to every slight may not be worth your energy. (If anything, it’ll probably leave you drained and constantly on edge.)
Instead, be selective about what you address—whether that’s a recurring pattern of unacceptable put-downs or a single moment where she managed to make an important milestone (your birthday, anniversary, wedding) about herself. “I like to remind my clients that just because someone criticises you, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it,” Jeter says. “Imagine their comment is like them throwing a ball at you. Just don’t catch it,” which in practice, can look like changing the subject, physically removing yourself from the conversation or simply not responding. These small acts of disengagement don’t mean you’re “losing”: Rather, they’re a way of conserving your energy and refusing to escalate a dynamic that’s hurting your well-being.
3. Aim for cordial, not close
As tempting as it is to measure your in-law relationship against the ones we see in rom-coms or picture-perfect Instagram photoshoots, the reality is usually far more nuanced. According to both Jeter and Chen, it’s entirely normal not to be best friends with your partner’s parents or to see them like you do your own—and expecting that level of intimacy might be unnecessary if your goal is to simply get along.
