TV
A breakout star, “pizza chips,” and beachside blowups — Episode 4 of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island finally delivers the drama.
(Left to right): Rulla Pontarelli, Alicia Carmody, Kelsey Swanson. Photo by: Scott Eisen/Bravo
COMMENTARY
It’s amazing how shows grow on you.
I started Bravo’s “Real Housewives of Rhode Island” pilot not knowing if I’d ever be able to tell these people apart. By Episode 4, I’m snort-laughing at lines: “Classic, Alicia.”
I love the doll-collecting, crackah-loving, peak-Rhody-quote-dropping Cranston native Alicia Carmody. I’m not the only one. Instagrammers are in love. Bravo’s Andy Cohen hosted Alicia on his post-show breakdown “Watch What Happens Live,” and immediately asked about her “crackahs” and running over a woman. (See Episode 1 recap.) Page Six needed a sit-down. She also threw out the first pitch at the Sox game on Friday.
If you haven’t seen this show, Alicia is enough of a reason to tune in.
In Episode 4, Alicia introduced America to Rhode Island’s red pizza squares. She calls them “pizza chips,” a term I’ve never heard — I’ve only known them as “red pizza squares” — but she does eat them in the traditional way: cold/room temperature at the beach.
To all the internet commenters wondering if cheeseless pizza was a specialty from her Cranston restaurant Pizza Mamma, I am here to attest: Red pizza squares are as real as coffee milk.
Red pizza aside, Episode 4 stands out. While the first three episodes managed to find drama while doing more heavy explanatory backstory work, this is the first episode where I felt we finally got to some meat.
You order the pizza chips. I’ll recap the drama. Bravo uses only first names on the show to identify cast members, so I’ll stick with that format to make it easier. Let’s go.
Day-after regrets
We open in Liz McGraw’s kitchen, where she and pal Dolores Catania (“Real Housewives of New Jersey”) unpack the Studio 54 party drama. Liz sage-cleanses the room where Rulla and Brian Pontarelli had a sit-down with Jo-Ellen and Gary Tiberi. (See Episode 3 recap.)
Rulla had accused Jo-Ellen of spreading rumors that Brian was having an affair. Jo-Ellen and Gary were livid that Brian had contacted Jo-Ellen’s work.
Dolores says her heart breaks for Rulla “because she’s hanging onto her husband with every last thing she has.” Liz agrees Rulla is “white-knuckling” the marriage. (Most of the cast agrees Brian’s affair is not over; Rulla maintains it is.)
They unpack the other birthday drama: Liz had fled the party after Kelsey Swanson said Liz and Dino (a McGraw family friend) had an “ongoing…” — Liz cut her off, screamed, and raced into her house.
Liz says now she feels Kelsey “cosigned onto a lie to avoid her own issues with” Dino. She says Kelsey and Dino had “a romantic relationship.”
Liz says she’s now “disgusted” by her dramatic reaction at the party. “I came across as a bitter, drunken witch.”
“It was a menopause moment,” Dolores says. They agree both women need to apologize.
Red pizza day
Alicia, Kelsey, Rosie Woods DiMare (former WJAR Channel 10 reporter), and Ashley Iaconetti (“Bachelor in Paradise”) head to a beach to debrief. Alicia hands out “pizza chips.” Ashley, the only non-native Rhode Islander is baffled. “They think it’s great, but I’m like: where’s the cheese on my pizza? Because who wants a pizza without cheese?”
Pizzas in hand, they unpack the Rulla vs. Jo-Ellen situation, and Brian’s affair. Alicia says she thinks “Rulla met Brian while he was married to my Spanish teacher.” She adds she hopes that’s not true “because I really did like my Spanish teacher.”
They ask Kelsey about Liz’s freak-out. Kelsey explains that she meant the “ongoing rumor” about an affair. Alicia says they do have to “walk on eggshells” around Liz. (This line will matter.)
All in the family
Jo-Ellen leaves for Chicago on a work trip. Gary is home with the kids; Jo-Ellen’s sister Jen is there to help. Jen and Gary dated in high school, before Jo-Ellen pursued him. (See Episode 1 recap.)
“She perpetuates this fun little game of flirting with my husband, but I don’t take offense,” Jo-Ellen says of her sister. “They’ve never had sex. He might’ve touched her boobs in high school. Keep it in the family.”
Jo-Ellen says Jen suggested using Gary’s sperm for her own kids. (Hm, I’m sensing foreshadowing?)
Rulla finally breaks
All hail the arrival of Alicia’s aunties and mom — the gaggle who complained about driving 15 minutes in the pilot, and provide some hilarious peak-Rhody commentary.
Alicia’s family is “blunt,” Liz sums up. “Once you meet them, you’ll never forget them.”
Rulla and Ashley arrive, and the group discusses Alicia’s 9-year engagement to Billy, and Alicia’s wariness of a prenup that would leave her “with nothing.” Ashley says Alicia needs her name on the home. Liz says she also needs her name on Pizza Mamma.
They ask Rulla about her marriage; she says there are “bumps.” Later, Rulla almost cries, finally dropping her guard to admit she’s having a “hard time getting over a lot of the lying.”
The aunties warn her about cheating husbands. One says she found out her husband “wandid” (wandered) in an accent so thick not even Alicia can decipher it. Alicia asks, “He wanted what?” “He wandid,” she repeats, as people look baffled. This is the kind of dropped-ah confusion to which only New England viewers can relate.
Throwing down the swords
Liz is cleaning out Gerry’s boat, the Gypsea, as they prepare to sell it. Kelsey comes on board to help. She wonders if she’s walking into a “lion’s den,” but instead they throw down their swords. Liz says she was “not proud” of her reaction at the party. Kelsey says she had “a different experience with [Dino] …. Mine wasn’t so good.”
She said she had a “weak, vulnerable” moment 10 years ago and “hooked up with Dino.” Later, when she tried to push Dino away, he’d “show up more.” She says she has PTSD over it, and understands he had a different relationship with Liz. They toast and make up.
Rail riders
The group drives to Rail Riders in Portsmouth (a Rhody gem) for miles of pedaling on rail road tracks. On the drive over, Kelsey opens a bottle of beer with her teeth, and admits she just ate leftover McDonald’s cheeseburgers out of the trash. (More of this.)
Rosie says everything she eats makes her bloated and sick. Ashley asks if that’s “because of the Ozempic.”
“No, I was like this my whole life. I did have colitis a couple weeks ago,” she says. “That’s why I quit…I had to wear diapers to work. I took medical leave… and was like…Why would I ever go back to work?”
Kelsey tells the camera it wasn’t medical leave. “Me and the entire state of Rhode Island knows she got fired for having an affair with one of the higher-ups.” (She didn’t specify the job.)
They arrive at Rail Explorers for six miles of peddling, drinking, gossiping. Afterwards, they relax on Adirondack chairs with a picnic by bluffs overlooking the ocean. Alicia asks Rosie and Ashley what they were talking about, and they admit they were discussing how they’re intimidated by Liz.
Rosie stirs the pot: “Alicia, you said she’s always like that.” (Referring to the eggshell comment.)
“Rosie, I wouldn’t do that, doll,” Alicia says. “Don’t put shi— in my mouth… Don’t f— with me…You’re a f—ing troll… You’re so thirsty it’s scary.”
Rosie walks it back, “I never would’ve said it if I thought you’d react this way.”
Alicia tells the camera that her eggshell comment “wasn’t bashing Liz… I don’t like snakes.”
The best part is Liz doesn’t seem to care at all about this, almost grinning as she roasts marshmallows and eats them.
Others try to calm Alicia down. She asks Rosie to talk in private, and the two hug it out.
Favorite quotes
Again, this week was peppered with amazing lines — most all from quote-machine Alicia.
- “I am a sensitive gangster sometimes… if I had my peppermint oil I probably would’ve been more calm.” — Alicia
- “I’m about to climax. I need to know what happened.” — Alicia asking about drama.
- “Welcome to Rhode Island, b—h. This is how we roll.” — Alicia
- “I don’t do spin classes. I really don’t ride a bike. But I like to still do Janes Fonda at least once a week. I love Janes Fonda.” — Alicia on Rail Explorers pedaling.
- “I just hope and pray that you somehow hurt him,” Alicia’s mom on a cheating husband. (The quote-machine apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I see.)
Lauren Daley is a freelance culture writer. She can be reached at [email protected]. She tweets @laurendaley1, and Instagrams at @laurendaley1. Read more stories on Facebook here.
Lauren Daley is a longtime culture journalist. As a regular contributor to Boston.com, she interviews A-list musicians, actors, authors and other major artists.
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