Disclaimer: This article is the innocent musings of a 24-year-old who grew up reading the-bad-boy-loves-me stories on Wattpad. Do not seek a toxic boyfriend. If you already have one, then RUN.
It’s been 18 months since I started dating my very first boyfriend. That’s 18 months of healthy communication, respectful boundaries and being loved the way I want to be. My only problem? We haven’t had a single fight. There’s been no dramatic airport chase. He’s never shown up at my doorstep, drunk and heartbroken, begging for forgiveness. And not once has he punched another man for so much as glancing at me across a crowded bar. Is this modern love?
If I feel this secure in a relationship, what grand stories of romance will I ever write in my upcoming biography? How he bought me sunflowers on our first date because he thought they were my favourite? The book wouldn’t make it past the editor. I need conflict. I need character development. I need a toxic boyfriend.
Millennials had them. Gen Z, on the other hand, seems to be opting out. We’re quicker to call people out. We say things like “I need to protect my peace” without flinching. And yet, after speaking to millennial women about their own walking red flags, I can’t help but wonder if we’re missing out on some serious formative events.
“I once jumped off a motorbike because we’d had a serious fight and he wouldn’t let me off,” shares one millennial. “I was done with the conversation and needed to leave, but every time I told him to stop, he just revved the engine. The second he had to slow down, I jumped off and ran home.” Sounds insane? Sure. But it makes for a great story. There’s something undeniably cinematic about a girl leaping off a moving motorbike—adrenaline buzzing, streetlights blurring. It’s the climax of a coming-of-age film. Was it dangerous? Absolutely. Was it romantic? Possibly.
“He would constantly call,” she adds. “I thought he was just sweet and attentive, but it was love-bombing. We just didn’t have the vocabulary back then. Later, I realised it wasn’t about affection at all; it was control.” And here’s where Gen Z’s favourite party trick comes in. We now have words for almost everything. Therapy-speak has entered our daily vernacular to the point of casual self-diagnosis. Language shapes how we see the world—once you learn words like love-bombing or gaslighting, you can’t unsee them.
To top it all off, this toxic boyfriend even helped her figure out the skincare routine she needed. “He derived so much pleasure from making me angry. Maybe it was psychosomatic, but every time I was with him, my skin would break out.”
The foundation of any good relationship is trust. Without it, you might as well pack up and leave. Trust is terrifying; it demands vulnerability, optimism and a willingness to look stupid. One millennial learned this the hard way. “We weren’t dating—he liked me, and I’d turned him down. After one hangout, I was told I’d upset him so much that he’d gone to London to ‘clear his head.’ I was so confused.” Months later, the truth surfaced. “He hadn’t actually gone anywhere—he’d been sending Google image searches to guilt me. He even bought me a souvenir.” This particular manchild had locked himself in his room until his friends forced him to open the door. Pretending to disappear is, objectively, unhinged. Still, for a moment, it had the makings of a great romance: distance, longing and unnecessary suffering.
