Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
I’m lucky to have inherited wealth, but I choose to work a low-paid, low-stress job because the structure is good for my mental health.
“Gabby” and I have been work friends for about 4 years, ever since I started. We’re both bi women, but there was never any attraction between us, or at least I didn’t think there was. Gabby is roughly a decade older than me (early 40’s vs. early 30’s), on the heavy side, which I’ve never been into, not really butch but sort of sexless and childlike in her personal style, whereas my taste in women has always been very femme-for-femme. I’m a childhood abuse survivor whose struggles have always been with hypersexuality and poly drama, whereas Gabby has never mentioned any relationships, never mentioned finding anyone attractive except celebrities, and there’s even a theory among our coworkers that she’s a virgin. She lived with her very religious parents until they died when she was in her 30’s, and she started here, her first and only job, shortly after.
A few months ago Gabby’s apartment announced they were raising her rent about $200 a month, and she was panicking because she already had a tight budget, no prospect of a pay raise, and couldn’t find a cheaper apartment that wasn’t nasty. I was trying to step back from a couple of toxic relationships and focus more on myself, and I thought having someone else in my house would help alleviate the loneliness that threatened to drive me back to those or similar relationships. So, I invited Gabby to move into one of my empty bedrooms, which she gratefully accepted. For the most part it’s been harmonious. Gabby is so quiet and so neat, I find myself being better so I don’t annoy her. We watch movies together and carpool to work when our schedules coincide. But there’s this one thing.
In addition to sewing and other kinds of crafting, I love cooking and baking. I find it highly therapeutic and do it almost every day. But because I don’t have a very large appetite, I give 90% of what I make away to friends or partners, or bring it into work to share, or drop it by the homeless shelter I sometimes volunteer at. Gabby has always been a fan of my food, but since she moved in, I haven’t had to carry a single dish out of the house. Gabby has already gained a noticeable amount of weight, but does not seem bothered by this at all. Instead, she jokes frequently about needing my help to alter her huge collection of T-shirts when she outgrows them. Or she’ll say things like, “Before you know it, I’ll be 500 pounds.” Or, “I’m going to be the size of this room.” Or, “You’re going to have to wash me with a rag on a stick.” And I don’t know about her, but I sometimes feel myself getting an erotic charge from this, even though I’m still not attracted to Gabby and don’t want anything like that in reality. If I try to analyze it, it feels almost like a sense of power and domination, which is confusing me because I’ve always identified primarily as a sub.
I talked about this with another friend, and despite not knowing Gabby, they told me Gabby is 100% trying to make me her feeder and enabler, and I need to get rid of her now if I don’t want to be responsible for an immobile person with medical problems. Needless to say, I don’t feel right just throwing Gabby out in the street because I’m starting to be uncomfortable, when she is not breaking any of the ground rules we agreed to. But how can I talk to her about what she really does and doesn’t want out of our friendship/roommate situation, and what I am and am not comfortable with, when I’m not even sure of that myself? I could easily afford to take care of her no matter what happened, but with my relationship history, I can’t be sure that wouldn’t be allowing myself to be used and manipulated, especially if we’re not actually having a sexual or romantic relationship.
Any insight or advice would help.
Is This A Sex Thing?
Unless you’re starting to feel an attraction to Gabby, I don’t think there’s really a need to leap to the assumption that there’s anything inherently sexual going on here, ITAST. There’re a few possibilities about what’s going on here, ranging from your being roped into having a type of power exchange relationship without realizing it, to “Gabby” having a dark sense of humor, to your friend making some wild-ass leaps about a stranger that they doesn’t know. And while I highly doubt that you’re being involuntarily drafted into a feeder/gainer relationship, the key word here is involuntarily.
Now were this actually a case of your being dragooned into a feeder/gainer dynamic, there’re a few reasons why it would pinging your radar in odd ways.
One of the things to understand is that feedism, as the paraphilia is called, isn’t an inherently BDSM-related dynamic, where one person is the dominant and the other the submissive. Feedism tends to be more a mix of eroticizing the taboo, morphophillia, the inherently nurturing nature of cooking for and providing for others, acts of service in the form of cooking, emotional intimacy and body worship. Like most paraphilias, the people who participate in it tend to run a spectrum, from “she likes to cook, I like to eat” to extremes that tend to only be acted out in fantasy and role-play, not reality.
One of the more commonly reported reasons for why couples enjoy feedism tend to be fairly wholesome when it’s not seen in a sexual or fatphobic context. While there can be superficial similarities to a soft-dom or pleasure-dom relationship, many times, the dynamic and relationship is an expression of mutual love and affection – the feeder is making food for their partner as an expression of love, the gainer is appreciating being cared for, and much of the relationship is defined by caring and affection. The weight gain, if any, is seen as appreciation of the feeder’s food and nurturing, while the feeder is often appreciative of the gainer’s soft body.
While there can certainly be examples where it’s about control, even abuse, it’s rare in most feedism relationships for weight gain to treated as something shameful or to be mocked, the feeder isn’t being portrayed in the role of servant, nor is the gainer being degraded verbally or physically. Nor is this typically about immobilization or forcing someone into being dependent on the feeder or to unhealthy (or even fatal) outcomes. While edge cases certainly exist – similar to how one can be a victim of a shark attack in Missouri – this tends to be more of the realm of role play, rather than reality.
But as with most kinky relationships or taboo-focused paraphilias, there’s an important component: mutual consent and healthy boundaries. And those are going to be in play with your relationship with Gabby, whether she’s trying to pull you into a Feeder/Gainer relationship or not. Even if this is entirely a strange misunderstanding, you’re not required to sit there and feel uncomfortable or bothered by her behavior. You can – and should – address those things with her directly.
The key is that you don’t need to be coming in hot with questions about whether she’s trying to dragoon you into a kinky relationship. You can start with telling her that those comments make you uncomfortable, without necessarily making it about kink, intent or about her weight gain. All you really need to say is “hey, it makes me uncomfortable when you make jokes about this” or “I don’t find these kinds of comments funny, and I’d appreciate it if you weren’t making them around me.” You don’t need to bring up the reasons for it and you don’t need to justify your discomfort, because it’s your discomfort. A simple “they just bother me, I find them unpleasant or upsetting, I would appreciate it if you would stop making them around me” is all you need, and “because I asked you to” is the only reason you need to give.
I would also point out that while cooking for your friend and roommate is great, there’s nothing that says you have to give Gabby right of first refusal to the food you’re making. This is true regardless of whether you’re worried that she’s making you participate in a kink without your consent or knowledge. You may have fallen into the dynamic of cooking for the both of you, but that doesn’t mean that everything you make is for the both of you or that she gets as much as she wants. You make smaller portions, or designate leftovers specifically for your officemates, for friends or for the homeless shelter down the way. She’s a grown woman and is fully capable of feeding herself; she won’t starve to death if you’re not there making sure she’s getting her three squares in.
You also don’t need to ask her what her intentions are for your relationship. Frankly, all you have right now is speculation and suspicion, and those are premised on a foundation that’s shaky at best. But even so, you aren’t required to figure out her motivations before you address her behavior, if her behavior is bothering you. If you’re not a mind reader – and you’re not – then it can be a little presumptuous to assume that you know what’s in someone’s heart or mind. It’s her behavior and comments that are bothering you; those are what you can address without getting into the “why” of it.
But even if she is hoping that this is going to be more, that’s ultimately a her problem, not a you problem. Just as someone can’t force you into a kinky relationship, they can’t force you into any relationship you don’t want to be in. You’re not obligated, for example, to take care of her for the rest of her life; that’s not a commitment you’ve made, even as her roommate and friend. It’s a role you can take on if you decide that’s something you would want… but it’s not one assigned to you by default.
If Gabby does make it your problem – by presuming on your friendship, by ignoring your boundaries regarding her comments or otherwise pushing for a relationship you don’t want – then it’s time to address the issue. But for now, I think the best thing to do is what’s reasonable, and that’s what’s within your control.
So have a talk with her, tell her to knock off the comments and then see where you stand. Don’t make this a bigger or more complicated problem than it needs to be; just use your words and draw some boundaries.
Good luck.
Hello
So, my cousin is getting married soon, and I offended them. I asked why they were getting married and said how I wasn’t sure I understood the point. They got offended that I questioned it and would so far as to say that I came across as looking down on them or seeming like I was disgusted by it.
I realise now that my ADHD and possible autism got in the way and made my communication less than good. However, I think the main issue is one I had just got out of hospital with my daughter, who had been in there for a little while and the other was it brings up a lot of negative emotions around the fact I know I will die alone. I guess a giant event around someone else getting something I will never have was too much to bear for small mind.
How do I apologise for this slight I have done?
Mouth Got Ahead Of My Brain
This is simple, MGAMB: you say “I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I was having a rough time of it and I took my bad mood out on you; it was insensitive of me and I regret it.”
That’s all you need – an acknowledgement that you were out of pocket, that what you said was unkind and unwarranted and that you are sorry for saying it to her. Everything else – the worries you have about being alone or feeling envious of your cousin’s wedding – that’s not relevant to the apology, and bringing it up to your cousin will only end up making your apology about you, rather than your wanting to address how your behavior affected your cousin.
However, I think those are some issues you should pay attention to and deal with so that you don’t end up needing to apologize again.
Your worry that you’re going to die alone is just that: a worry, not a predestination. It’s fear and anxiety preying on your mind, not a prophecy that’s been carved in stone. Nobody knows the day or hour of their death, and we don’t know what our circumstances will be; pretending that we have any certainty is ultimately a way of trying to create an illusion of control over something we have no control over. Having that sense of knowing certainty brings a sort of comfort by releasing us from responsibility… even when you’re convinced that it’s going to be a sad and lonely tragedy.
If that’s something you’re truly worried about, you can start taking steps now to address it. If it’s something that is truly bothering you and affecting your overall quality of life, then it’s an issue that you should address with a trained therapist or mental health professional. You may benefit from something like cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy; both of these have a strong record of helping people manage anxieties, breaking out of doom spirals and get a handle on problematic and intrusive thoughts.
Just as importantly: while it’s understandable that you feel envious of your cousin, I hope you understand that your cousin’s happiness and future nuptials don’t take anything away from you. I presume you care about your cousin; you wouldn’t be bothered by the way you upset them otherwise. It will be good for you and your relationship with them to try to focus on being happy for them and to take joy in their joy on their big day. It can be hard – being happy for someone when you see what they have and would like that for yourself can be a hard lift to make – but it will bring happiness and contentment into your life.
And as a bonus, it means that you won’t have to apologize for putting your foot in your mouth again instead.
Good luck.
