What qualities make someone a “good” friend?
We can all conjure an image in our heads based on a blend of real experiences and fictional narratives. Maybe a memory of receiving the most thoughtful birthday present you could imagine, combined with an image of some action movie character taking a bullet for his best bud.
The problem is, we may often think more about the type of friend we want to have than the type of friend we want to be.
Maybe you’ve watched a show like “New Girl” and thought, “Wow, I’d kill for a close-knit, caring and fun community like that.” The good news is that you can have it. The bad news? It’ll probably take a lot of hard work.
Community isn’t owed to anyone. Of course, everyone deserves to exist in a loving and supportive environment, but the level of interpersonal engagement we often yearn for within our circles isn’t something that “just happens.” Close, lasting friendships take time, effort and often inconvenience.
Sure, part of this can be luck-based. I have been fortunate enough to meet a multitude of incredible people, both at home and at college, with whom I align with in a number of ways. That may not always be the case for everyone, but if I hadn’t put work into keeping these people in my life, cultivating closeness with them and even introducing them to one another, I wouldn’t have anything approaching the community I have today.
Community comes at the price of inconvenience. Sometimes that inconvenience is something obvious, like making an out-of-the-way run to the student store to buy your very sick friend some NyQuil. Other times, though, it’s things you may not even realize. Showing up to your friend’s party when it’s been a long day and maybe you just got out of an exam and maybe your throat’s a little sore and you really just do not feel like going out right now. What’s the harm in skipping the whole thing? Lots of other people will be there.
Though this doesn’t seem like a big deal, and maybe sometimes it isn’t, depending on the frequency of occurrence and relationship to the person. It does, however, undeniably set a precedent, especially if it becomes something of a pattern. Then, down the line, some of those same friends message you at the last minute to say that they can’t actually make it to the dinner you had planned. Maybe they have an essay they should really get working on, they just got off a bad shift at work or haven’t been sleeping well and really just aren’t feeling up to it.
Depending on what kind of community you’re looking for, this might be perfectly fine. Maybe you don’t expect or want anyone else to go out of their way for you. But, if you’re looking for the sort of circle often portrayed in laugh-track 2010’s sitcoms, occasional inconvenience is the cornerstone. Being willing to be slightly uncomfortable for the sake of someone else is a dying art, worsened by the rise of social media. We as a society are becoming increasingly accustomed to comfort, ease and speed. With a few taps, shopping can be done, Ubers can be ordered and friends can be contacted. We’re losing our ability to face discomfort.
This is coupled with the daily barrage of content carefully curated to look completely careless. Laughter-filled dinner parties, group vacations and masses of giggly friend groups gathered around campfires and piled onto couches. It can be easy to feel frustration, to think, “why don’t I have that?” While it’s important to remember the inherently artificial nature of the internet, take a moment to consider when the last time you invited friends over for dinner, suggested a group trip or provided the couch?
My point? Recently there seems to be an increased expectation for a village alongside an increased hesitation to be a villager. I want you to take a moment and think — when was the last time you went out of your way for a friend, inconvenienced yourself in one way or another, showed up when it may not have been easy or stopped and thought about the most supportive action?
If it’s been a while, that’s okay. The good news is; despite the often-counterproductive influence of social media on our social interactions, the convenience of mobile devices still makes it easier to maintain and grow friendships. Text that friend you haven’t seen in a while just to say hi, start a conversation in that group chat you don’t talk to enough and invite some people over this weekend. Next time someone asks you for an inconvenient favor, ask yourself — do I want the type of friends who would do this for me?
Instigate the change you want to see in your community, set a new and higher precedent for your relationships and elevate your circle to laugh-track levels.
Love your community, and it will love you back.
Elena Pavlik can be reached at [email protected].
