DISCLAIMER: While this story is true, all comparisons to any actual persons are merely coincidental. However, none of the story is dramatized or exaggerated for entertainment purposes. The column is written under a pseudonym to protect the identities of all involved.
Out of the five love languages, you could definitely say I gravitate towards “acts of service.” To me, there’s nothing more meaningful than doing things for the people you care about, whether it be picking up breakfast when my friends are hungover, running errands for my parents when they’re tired or being overly eager to ‘give’ to the people I hook up with.
Don’t get me wrong — I don’t just do it for them, I do it for myself and for the love of the game, even. It’s something that honestly entertains me. But there is only so much enjoyment that you can get from the ‘give’ when you get absolutely no ‘take.’
Our prospects today both love receiving and, to my tested research and knowledge, despise giving. Let’s discuss Gary and Soccer.
You guessed it: I met Gary whilst out at a bar. He was a blue-collar fish swimming in a sea of college students, and by all accounts he was not quite what I was looking for. His confidence in approaching me was what ultimately drew me in, and after a post-game that was far too long for my taste, we took the conversation upstairs.
If there was any tension building up between us before heading up, it absolutely did not continue building after we got to my room. I made all of the moves, took all of the initiative and went to town with no help from the participating peanut gallery. After I showed him what “acts of service” really means, he wasted literally no time before progressing to the next step.
I was a touch gagged (no pun intended), but by the way he struggled to complete a basic wrapping technique that he should’ve been taught in health class back in high school, I chalked up his lack of care for my sexual well-being to his inexperience. That was mistake number one.
16th tip: Experience can only excuse so much. There’s a big difference between not knowing how to please someone and not wanting to put in the work.
My inability to finish the race aside, it wasn’t the worst situation I had ever been in. At least I got something, even if that something only lasted for maybe 20 minutes at most. It was not nearly as bad as my time with Soccer.
Soccer was forward from the start, and by the way they sent me a text almost immediately after our Tinder match, I had assumed that there was a lot of bite to complement that bark. Sometimes, as I would soon discover, it’s the non-aggressive dogs that bark the loudest.
Soccer had no problem taking the initiative when it came to making the first move. Unfortunately, that first move was all that was really given. I spent approximately four hours showing Soccer just how much I love to give, and while some of it was entertaining and rewarding, it was definitely a disappointment when I got nothing in return.
Realistically, I should’ve just said something or at least poked a bit of fun at the fact that Soccer was making no attempt at all to help me out.
17th tip: Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If you’re willing to go the extra mile, it’s not unfair to ask for the same.
After begrudgingly agreeing to a sleepover in one of the comfiest beds I had ever been in besides my own, I finally felt like my work was done. I might not have crossed the finish line, but I helped Soccer get there five times, so I should at least feel good about that. Right?
I didn’t get to feel good for long, because as soon as I started to succumb to a nice, peaceful slumber, Soccer rolled over and started asking me to go again. I mean … duty calls!
If you think all of that was bad, you don’t even know the worst part. However much I rag on men, they aren’t always as evil as their female counterparts. Batting for both teams can be a lot more sexually disappointing than one would expect.
18th tip: Don’t assume that women are going to be better than men in the giving department. When it comes to taking and giving, sometimes they’re even worse.
Layla Starling can be reached at [email protected] and [email protected]. Also, my number is 678-999-8212, text me 😉
