Estimated reading time: 16 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Me and my friend were fwbs for about 2 years, and the intimacy changed my perspective on sex going forward. The sex was amazing, and it all felt right. She pushed for a relationship several times, but she can’t really keep herself to anyone and has a habit of cheating. So I declined. However, she assured me she understood my reasoning (she cheated on several men with me) and we continued our intimacy for a few months more.
When she called it quits, we had sex for the final time, and it was good as always. I noticed after the “split,” she was still often handsy with me, but would swipe my hand away if I did the same, so I told her to knock it off. Aside from that boundary being set, everything seemed fine. Definitely diminished, but fine. I expected that much.
The problem I have now is that she feels fair-weathered now. She hits me up not to hang out or go do something, but to ask “how are you” before going on endlessly about her new relationship(s)/sex she’s having. I get that by calling off the intimacy we effectively became just friends, but this is really showing me the difference between “just friends” and the friendzone. She even made a remark about me being her “gay best friend,” which I told her to never call me that again. It honestly made me feel so venomless.
I used to feel a spark every time she’d call, but now I dread it when I see her name on my phone. I feel so emasculated with our relationship now. It’s only ever to talk about her boy troubles or something she needs help with. I don’t feel like I’m treated like a person anymore. I feel like a diary.
We’ve been friends for the better half of a decade and the fwb thing was more recent, but I hate what our relationship has become. We never hang out anymore. When we do talk, conversations about my passions glaze her eyes over. Her questions or statements about me feel performative and shallow. She tries to change subjects to whatever guy she has and what he does. I wouldn’t mind that if I felt fulfilled on my half of the friendship and it was sparse, but it just feels one-sided. I never talk to her about other women unless she asks, in the rare case she does. I used to, but that was long before we had started hooking up, and she and her bf at the time were my rock. Part of that was why I was willing to listen at first, but this just feels like a parody compared to when I spoke about my girl troubles. I know that if she’s calling, it’s about her guy(s).
The juxtaposition between the version of her I have now, the version of her that was sending me butt pics every Saturday night, and the original take on the friendship, is just so disconnected and bastardized that I just feel conflicted. I feel like I’m losing a friendship to whatever this cancer within it is.
I’m at the point that I’m just letting the phone ring, or I change the subject when she tries talking about other guys. When I invite her to do things, she never shows up or flakes last minute. How do I maintain a friendship that feels this hollowed out? Should I just abandon it?
No Friends and Also No Benefits
It sounds like you’ve made your decision already, NFANB, so I wonder if you’re ultimately just asking for permission to do what you feel is necessary. And if so… well, you don’t really need my sign-off, but permission granted. You are under no obligation to be friends with someone you don’t want to be, especially if their friendship is causing you emotional distress.
But before you write her off for good, let’s take a moment to talk things through and see if this is fixable or not.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that the dynamic between you has changed. She’s not going to be the same person who used to send you butt pics, because you’ve shut that part of the relationship down. If sex was a major part of your friendship at the time, that’s going to lead to a transitional period while you two try to find your new groove.
That is, of course, assuming that you’re both actually trying. And if I’m being honest, it seems like the sex may have been a load-bearing pillar in your relationship. Without it, it seems that you’re both flailing and not necessarily happy about it. And it certainly seems like neither of you are managing this change terribly well.
I’m a little unsure what’s happening with your former snuggle-bunny. On the one hand, it sounds like she doesn’t have a lot of consideration for anyone besides herself. After all, her casual “yup, I just cheat a lot” isn’t exactly covering her in glory, especially if she’s choosing to make monogamous commitments instead of moving to a form of ethical non-monogamy. As such, it wouldn’t necessarily be a surprise if she was being a little bratty to “punish” you for ending the relationship.
But that’s honestly hard to say, because you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about this and that may be affecting your interpretation of what’s going on. None of her behavior in and of itself are indicative of her putting you in “The Friend Zone” – especially seeing as you did that to her, first. If we assume good faith on her part, then a lot of it sounds like someone who’s trying to figure out what this new friendship is supposed to look like when the sexual aspect of your relationship is gone.
It’s entirely possible, for example, that part of why you all don’t hang out is because your getting together felt more like dates or ended in having sex, something that you’re not doing any more. Since you’ve been clear that you aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy with her, that could mean that the line between “date” and “platonic hang” is increasingly blurred; better to avoid making things worse or more tense by staying far from the lines as possible.
Similarly, talking with you about the guys she’s dating isn’t inherently insulting; if she’s approaching you with a genuine attempt at friendship, then she’s trying to share what’s going on in her life. Her seeming lack of interest or concern about yours may well be her being self-centered, but it also may be that she expects you to just volunteer that information the way that she does. You seem to be holding that back unless she explicitly asks, which may be part of the miscommunication. If she is assuming that you’d mention something if you wanted to talk about it, then we’re back to someone who could stand to be a little more outward focused but not necessarily selfish or mean.
But it could also be a less-than-mature way of expressing how upset she is about the way things changed. Some of it – like her not showing interest in topics you are passionate about – certainly makes it seem like she’s not happy being friends.
Or, y’know. It could be that she was never that interested in them and considered paying attention to them a price of admission for the relationship you had at the time.
The same goes for the way she refers to you. Calling you her Gay BFF could be anything from gentle ribbing, making fun of your new dynamic, or her making pointed jabs about her dissatisfaction with your relationship.
It could also be that those were always part of the dynamic; it was just easier to ignore or overlook or not take seriously because you still had the sexual component as the central pillar of your relationship.
However, it doesn’t seem like the two of you have had a conversation about what your new friendship is supposed to be, now that you’re “just” friends, and I think that isn’t helping your situation. If so much of your relationship before now was centered around sex and sex is off the table – as is casual physical contact and intimacy – then it can be hard to figure out where the lines are without having an explicit discussion about them.
And that can’t happen when it seems like you react to everything with anger or frustration. Certainly not if you’re just saying “stop that” and not explaining why it bothers you or what you’d rather see from her.
If this is the case that you two are in a place where your friendship feels unformed and unclear, then the way you two are behaving isn’t helpful. Expecting the other person to intuit what you (either of you, to be clear) want or expect isn’t helpful, especially when there’s only negative reinforcement. If you want this friendship to be a friendship, then it’s time to stop stewing in silence and use your words. You and she need to sit down and have an Awkward Conversation about how you’re feeling, what you want from this friendship, what’s off limits and why. It’s also going to be crucial to your deciding whether this is a friendship that can be saved, or if it even should.
If you’re uncomfortable with her being handsy with you, then you should let her know and then give her room to explain why she’s slapping your hands away if you try to reciprocate. If she’s teasing you, then telling her you don’t appreciate it is well within bounds. On the other hand, if she’s doing it because she’s taunting you or jabbing at you out of irritation… well, that’s a very good reason to decide that maybe this friendship has run its course.
But before you end it, I do think you should tell her that you miss the friendship you had before, even when hooking up is no longer on the table. However, it’s going to be important to realize that the relationship you’re going to have going forward will be different from what you had before. That prior friendship has ended, and what you will have going forward will be new. It will be informed by your history together, but the boundaries, limits and levels of intimacy are all going to be different than before, and those should be discussed openly and clearly.
It may well be that this can’t work – not now, and possibly not in the future. If that’s the case, then yeah, this friendship is over and that sucks. It’s always sad when a friendship ends, especially under sour conditions. But not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that includes friendships. Sometimes a relationship – romantic, sexual or platonic – is right for who you were at the time. As you grow and change, the relationship may no longer match who you become and so no longer meets your needs. While it can be hard to let go when this happens, sometimes that’s the best thing you can do – let the friendship end naturally, so you can better hold onto the affection, respect and happy memories you had, rather than let it curdle into bitterness and resentment.
But as I said: this depends on whether you want to try to save this relationship. It’s entirely ok if you don’t. It’s also ok if you don’t want to be friends in the way that she may be insisting on; you’re not required to suck it up and smile if the only way she wants to be friends causes you pain or distress. Just keep in mind that this works both ways; if she can’t handle friendship the way you want it, she’s just as permitted to call it, too.
My advice? Sit down and talk it out. Be clear about what you miss, why you miss it and what you would like to have with her going forward, then let her share her side of things. Once you both feel like you understand each other, then decide if you’re ready and willing for this new friendship going forward… or if your time together has come to its natural conclusion.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Long story short, my boyfriend went to a party at a friend’s house and used his friend’s butt plug. Because BF didn’t put a condom on it, just used toy cleaner, I have insisted on only having sex with him with a condom on until he can get tested for STDs.
The problem is, apparently, there’s no way to schedule STD testing in our town. It’s not something a family doctor can do here, only a specialized clinic, and the free clinic won’t answer the phone (it’s always busy) and the pay clinic is booked up as far as they have appointments available (the next month).
I’m really frustrated. One, while I don’t mind my BF getting off with someone else’s sex toys in principle, I do mind that he didn’t talk with me first about what precautions are appropriate and what I was comfortable with. Two, I’m irritated at how at first he wanted to blow off my concerns, and complained about how expensive the testing would be (non-US, it’s not covered by insurance). He was interested in an open relationship at some point in the past, and I said I would be open to it but he needed to get STD testing afterwards…how is this going to go if he’s balking at the expense now? Three, I always enjoyed various sex acts more without a condom, and if it had been a couple of weeks to wait, that would have been fine, but this has dragged on into months. I am strongly considering going back on the whole open relationship thing just because of the hit to our sex life.
I’m not sure if there’s even a question here. Am I being reasonable? Also, WTF?
Signed,
No more condom blow jobs
Hoo boy.
This is a letter where I have so many questions, in no small part because those unanswered questions are making me question the authenticity. For one: why did your boyfriend use his friend’s sex toy? Why was his friend cool with someone else shoving their toy up their ass? Is this a communal butt plug? And for another: what kind of party was this? Did your boyfriend just decide it’d be a lark? Or is this a “well if it’s that kind of party…” situation? Did your boyfriend just happen to have lube with him, or did he snag some while he was there too?
But as I’ve said about potentially fake letters: as long as there’re lessons for folks to learn from this, I’m not particularly concerned if one slips through my filters. And God knows there’s stuff worth talking about here.
Let’s start with the big one: the odds that your boyfriend could have caught an STI from his bro’s toy are vanishingly low. They’re not zero, but unless he was using the butt plug immediately after his bud, it’s highly unlikely. If it had been washed thoroughly and dried between uses, then the likelihood of something lingering is vanishingly small.
Frankly, your boyfriend is in greater danger if the toy was one of the cheaply-made jelly-rubber or plastic toys, rather than body-safe silicone, glass or metal. He’s got a higher risk of a bacterial infection from the porous material or phthalate exposure than getting chlamydia or herpes from it. It’s still not the worst idea to get tested, but I wouldn’t worry about catching something because your boyfriend made questionable decisions at a party involving inanimate objects.
Now, a bigger issue is the question of testing overall, especially if you’re considering opening up your relationship. A “barriers are mandatory” policy for hooking up with other people should be standard, especially if this you’re open, rather than, say, part of a closed polycule. Sex is a full-contact sport and playing means accepting that there are risks that need to be mitigated. Condoms for all forms of penetration (and using new condoms for different partners if you’re in a threesome or similar scenario) is your best way to lower the risks for everyone involved.
So too is regular STI testing. Getting tested won’t prevent infection, but it will mean getting notified in case of an infection so that everyone can get treated and the spread can be contained.
However, there’s a point where trying to be rigorously safe goes from “precaution” to “unreasonable barrier”. Now maybe the way you phrased things is a little unclear, but it sounds like you’re of the mind that he should be tested for STIs after every encounter with another person. While this is the sort of thing that sounds reasonable, in practice, it actually isn’t.
For one, as you’ve seen, there’s a level of inconvenience and expense. STI tests take time to process and that means that there’s going to be days and weeks of interruption to your sex life until the results come back in. That alone can be incredibly frustrating for everyone involved.
But another problem is that this sort of precaution doesn’t actually help. Many STIs won’t show up on tests immediately after a positive contact; many won’t register a positive result on tests until weeks after exposure. As a result, you may well end up with a false negative on the test, despite having an active infection. Similarly, many tests will only cover syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV, but not other STIs like HSV and HPV. Most doctors won’t test for those without active symptoms due to how common they are in sexually active adults. It’s easier – and often more accurate – to assume that someone who’s been sexually active has been exposed, even if they never actually contracted the disease.
But the answer isn’t to assume you’re in the clear until you have symptoms, either. Many STIs can be asymptomatic, while others have symptoms that are easily missed or confused for other conditions or infections. Many people who have an initial herpes outbreak, for example, feel like they caught the flu but don’t have noticeable blisters or sores, and then don’t have another outbreak for months or even years, if ever.
As a general rule, if you’re going to be in an open relationship, you’re better off to get tested on a regular basis, rather than after each new encounter. A four-to-six week interval is not only going to be more convenient – especially if you’re having to schedule appointments well in advance – but also much more likely to give you accurate results in the case of a positive infection.
Of course, this is contingent on everyone following the “always use condoms” rule and using condoms correctly. If used correctly and consistently, condoms will minimize the chance of STI exposure, while regular testing and open communication will help minimize the risk of an STI that can still be spread by skin-to-skin contact, like HSV or HPV.
All that having been said, I question whether an open relationship is going to be right for you and your boyfriend. While I think your worries about safety involving the butt plug may be a little overblown, I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned about what this may mean for your safety if you do open the relationship.
If your boyfriend is prone to making impulsive decisions like, say, borrowing and using a friend’s sex toy at a party and then being snippy with your concerns, I would question whether you can trust him to use condoms consistently with other partners. While one inexplicable decision does not a character flaw make, it suggests a mentality that he might make similar “oh well, what can you do?” choices with someone else.
If – and this is a mighty big “if” – you two can sit down, talk about precautions, testing schedules, best practices and boundaries with regards to sex and other partners, and you can trust your boyfriend to be rigorous with his condom use with other partners, then taking a measured approach to opening the relationship up is feasible. But if you can’t trust him to keep to those boundaries or to be up front with times when things go wrong – condoms slip or break on occasion, for example – then opening things up would be bad for both of you.
Good luck.
