The sun was cracking the flags in that famous English resort of Blackpool,
recently graced by the arrival of scriptwriter Dennis O’Malley,
accompanied by esteemed film director, Sonny Spiegel.
Pointing to sea, Sonny announced, ‘I’d like to set my next movie there,
on that island, Rockital.
‘It was thrown into the briny by the giant Firking Ficklestien,
practising for the Pagan Olympics.’
‘Oh dear,’ mused the long-suffering Deniss, ‘he’s off on his hobby horse,
pretending to be related to Gaelic warriors.
‘When he’s really a fake – his parents were farriers,
from a boring little place with the unusual name of Diddlesticks.’
He was interrupted by Blackpool’s Tower circus’s most popular attraction,
as ‘Sneezy’ Sarah, ‘the cuddly camel’, appeared, with her
trainer Jimmy Japes holding onto his hat.
For he was familiar with the power of camelian sneezes,
as he led the animal on her morning walk.
A reviewer commented, ‘Sneezy Sarah truly has the most powerful of noses.’
Suddenly Sarah stopped for a pee, alarming Dovecot Darling – a former theatre critic,
who exclaimed, ‘It’s a two-humped denizen of African deserts.
‘My grandad rode one when he served with Lawrence of Arabia.’
But Sonny turned his nose up at him, not recognising the chap
who’d often praised his filmic efforts.
‘He always said I should become a proper writer,
instead of a picker-apart of other’s creativity…
hang on, Mr Spiegel, I’ve got a screenplay for you.’
But the Hollywood chap simply walked on, straight into a dollop of camel poo.
Sarah, unable to resist the lure of the sand, which reminded
the homesick beast of her native Sahara, trotted to the beach,
where a mighty sneeze nearly destroyed a young boy’s sandcastle.
Embarrassed, she trotted underneath one of Blackpool’s piers
for a much-needed break.
The Victorian structure’s wooden boards creaked, as Mrs Billingonous,
on her way to see Flanigan and Hall, an upcoming comical duo, peeped below.
‘What a strange sight,’ she muttered to her dog Millie, ‘is a camel in Blackpool.’
A fishing boat, captained by ‘Doubtful’ Douglas – who’d been mercilessly
nagged by Fanny Free-em, an animal-rights activist – not to catch fish,
threw over a little octopus, alarming Malachi from Ullapool,
and Susan, from the Wiltshire market town of Devises.
Suddenly a posse appeared, enquiring, ‘Have you seen a camel?’
The irate camel catchers, pacified by free beer, were easily netted and taken to Rockital, by Bobby and his partner, Tommy Flanigan.
The latter sailed up in a coracle, an ancient Celtic sailing vessel,
for his real name was Malachi McMacleman.
He was that rare gem, a Lancashire-sounding Irishman,
while Bobby was from Oldham.
‘Let us go!’ cried the kidnapped posse.
The latter cried, ‘If you don’t watch out, Tommy will bring a
whole tribe of feisty Flanagans!’
Director Sonny Spiegel released his new epic, All God’s Creations,
making an impassioned speech, hoping that all imprisoned creatures
would soon be free, adding he was now a born-again Christian – prompting
his pal O’Malley, to muse, ‘He’s jumping on another trendy bandwagon.’
But he was interrupted by animal rights activists, led by ‘Doubtful’ Douglas.
Not forgetting Mrs Billingonous, applauded by Flanigan and Hall,
ably supported by Dovecot Darling, that alcoholic former theatre critic,
sipping a glass of gin.
He was celebrating because Walt Disney had commissioned his script,
A Camel gets the Hump.
But the occasion was marred by the non-appearance of said animal,
for when Sonny invited ‘Sneezy’ Sarah to the opening night,
she let forth a stream of urine.
The Hollywood Icon cried, ‘This beach isn’t a urinal!’
Sarah replied with a mighty sneeze, and he ended up on that
huge rock in the sea, Rockital.
That fisherman ‘Doubtful’ Douglas, was on hand to rescue him,
but as the waves soared to mighty heights, he cried, ‘I can’t land,
you’ll have to jump!’
Alas, Sonny Spiegel did – and cursed the day he’d met Sarah,
the sneezing camel.
