When Anjani Mishra became a mother for the first time, she thought she had motherhood figured out.
At the time, she was serving in the Indian Air Force. Her days began at 4.30 am with a run, followed by breakfast and getting ready for work. By 7 am, she was at the office.
People would often tell her, “Anjani, you are doing so great.” She believed them. “I thought I had some sort of superpower,” she recalls. Then she left the Air Force to become a full-time mother.
That was when things changed. Anjani was diagnosed with clinical depression. Her sleep dropped to barely two hours a night, and she found herself struggling with her mental health in ways she had not expected.
“Being at a job in the armed forces was easier than being at home and being a full-time mom,” she says.
Motherhood felt different again with her younger child. Breastfeeding took a toll on her physical and mental health, while the pressure to get everything right continued.
“The constant pressure to do everything right around your children and still feel great about it is real,” she says. “If a mother talks about it, she is judged and told, ‘Why are you cribbing so much?’ It’s sad, but it’s true.”
For Anjani, now a life coach, that experience changed the way she understood motherhood.
It also shaped the way she works with mothers who come to her feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or unable to cope.
And on World Suicide Prevention Day, The Better India reached out to her to share a message with all new mothers and their families:
A new mother’s mental health cannot be treated as an afterthought.
How can families tell when a new mother needs more help?
The transition to motherhood can be physically and emotionally demanding. Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, breastfeeding difficulties, pain, recovery from childbirth and the sudden responsibility of caring for a baby can all make the early months difficult.
But persistent changes in mood and behaviour deserve closer attention rather than being dismissed as part of new motherhood.
The World Health Organization estimates that around 13% of women who have recently given birth experience depression. In developing countries, the estimate is higher, at around 20%. WHO also notes that severe maternal distress can become overwhelming enough to lead to self-harm or suicide.
postpartum depression support
In India, a systematic review of 38 studies involving more than 20,000 women estimated the pooled prevalence of postpartum depression at 22%. The review also identified factors including financial difficulties, domestic violence, previous psychiatric illness, marital conflict and lack of support from a husband among the reported risk factors.
For families, Anjani says, some warning signs may initially seem small.
A mother may stop wanting to meet people or leave the house. She may cry frequently, withdraw from conversations or become unusually irritable.
There may also be moments when she does not want to be around her baby.
“These are the times when families and friends need to understand and lend a helping hand,” she says. “Instead of blaming her for her behaviour, it’s their responsibility to ask her what is wrong and help her raise the child without judgment.”
That support can begin with a few basic things:
“I cannot stress how important sleep is for new mothers,” Anjani says. “Most of them don’t get it.”
When a mother says, “I don’t want to live”
The situation becomes more urgent when a mother talks about not wanting to live, says she cannot continue, suddenly withdraws or becomes unable to care for herself or her baby.
Anjani says families should take such statements seriously, including when they appear to have been said casually.
“If the wife mentions, ‘I don’t have the will to live’ or ‘I can’t take it anymore’, or suddenly goes silent, sleeps a lot or is not able to care for the baby, that’s the time the family should intervene and seek medical attention immediately,” she says.
She also points to another warning sign that families may find difficult to talk about: thoughts of hurting the baby or being unable to care for the child.
What matters is making sure she has enough support, rest and breathing room to care for herself, along with access to professional help when she needs it. Exercise, meditation or “thinking positive” cannot replace that support.
“These things should not be taken casually,” she says. “Please seek medical advice immediately.”
WHO similarly notes that maternal mental-health conditions can involve a risk of self-harm or suicide, while severe mental illness can, in rare cases, also pose a risk to the baby. Early identification and treatment are therefore important.
“As a life coach, I need to know when it is beyond coaching”
Over the years, Anjani has worked with mothers who have spoken about self-harm or feeling that they cannot continue.
She says she does not attempt to handle such situations through life coaching alone.
“If anyone even casually mentions self-harm, or I feel that the woman needs more than life coaching sessions, I immediately stop the coaching conversation and refer her to a specialist,” she says.
For her, the first step is to make the woman feel heard.
That distinction matters. A supportive conversation can help someone feel less alone, but suicidal thoughts or severe symptoms require professional assessment and care.
Anjani believes that early intervention can make a critical difference.
Self-care can be as simple as a cup of coffee
For mothers who are struggling but are not in immediate danger, Anjani’s advice is deliberately simple.
Make some time for yourself.
That could mean a walk, an exercise class, yoga, or simply sitting down with a cup of coffee without someone asking you to do something.
For Anjani, exercise became an anchor.
“No matter what, you cannot take this one hour from my entire 24 hours unless it is urgent,” she says.
She believes families need to actively create that space rather than expecting mothers to find it themselves.
“It is the duty of the spouse and the family to give time to the new mother for herself,” she says.
Even a seemingly insignificant break can matter when someone has barely slept.
“A cup of coffee in peace may look small to someone, but you don’t know how much peace it gives to a mother who has barely slept.”
What matters is making sure she has enough support, rest and breathing room to care for herself, along with access to professional help when she needs it. Exercise, meditation or “thinking positive” cannot replace that support.
What can partners actually do?
For Anjani, support should begin even before the baby arrives.
Couples should discuss how they want to approach childbirth, postpartum care and parenting. After the baby arrives, childcare needs to become a shared responsibility rather than falling almost entirely on the mother.
She suggests that partners learn the basics of caring for a baby — changing diapers, burping the baby and taking the baby out for a walk.
Even taking over a small part of the routine can give a mother time to eat, sleep, bathe, or simply sit alone.
“If the other spouse takes on even 20% of the responsibility of becoming a father, a lot of things become easier,” she says.
She remembers a time when she could not even go to the bathroom unless her husband was around. That kind of dependence can be difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it.
For other family members, Anjani recommends practical support: cook nutritious meals, take the baby for a while so the mother can rest, and make sure help is offered even when she is not expected to return to work.
Just as important is knowing what not to say.
Avoid:
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“We have gone through the same.”
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“You aren’t special.”
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“We are elders; we know better.”
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“Everyone goes through this.”
Advice is welcome when it is practical and respectful, Anjani says, but the mother should still be allowed to make decisions about her child.
“Ask for help”
Perhaps one of the biggest barriers to getting help is guilt.
A mother may love her baby and still feel exhausted.
She may be grateful and still feel overwhelmed.
She may have wanted a child and still wonder whether she made the right decision.
None of these feelings, Anjani says, make her a bad mother.
“I have seen many women going through this phase of regretting the decision of being a mother,” she says. “We, as a society, should stop seeing becoming a mother as the ultimate goal of womanhood.”
If a mother is struggling, she says, she should be able to tell her partner, call her own mother, reach out to a friend, or seek professional help without feeling ashamed.
“I often tell my clients: ask for help without any guilt.”
For Anjani, raising a child is a responsibility the family can share.
“Your child is someone’s grandchild, someone’s niece or nephew. Isn’t it the collective responsibility of the entire family to come together and raise the child responsibly?”
Recovery does not have a fixed timeline
There is no single timetable for recovering from postpartum depression.
Some mothers may feel better with timely treatment and adequate support. Others may need longer-term care.
What matters, Anjani says, is that mothers have someone who genuinely understands what they are going through.
“A mother needs only one person around her who truly understands her,” she says. “When her feelings are validated, when she doesn’t have to put her career on pause, that’s truly when we are empowering a new mother.”
That support also means sharing responsibility for the child.
Mothers should not be expected to manage feeding, sleep, appointments, household work, and childcare simply because they are mothers.
“Men often say that, ‘We are also working,’” Anjani says. “But my dear men, it’s not the same. I have been a career woman, and I have been a mom, but believe me, being a full-time mom isn’t what you think of. It’s far more difficult than what it looks like.”
For the mother wondering, “Am I doing this right?”
There is no perfect version of motherhood.
There are days when the baby will cry, the house will be messy, the mother will be exhausted and nothing will go according to plan.
That does not mean she is failing.
Anjani has three simple messages for mothers who are struggling:
“Be a little selfish.”
“Look after yourself amid all the chaos.”
And perhaps most importantly:
“Hang in there. It gets better.”
For a mother experiencing persistent depression, overwhelming distress or thoughts of self-harm, however, “hanging in there” also means reaching out rather than suffering alone.
Support from a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist or other qualified mental-health professional is an important part of getting help.
Motherhood may change a woman forever, as Anjani says. But her own needs and sense of self still matter within it.
Sometimes, looking after the mother is also part of looking after the baby.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, seek urgent help from a mental-health professional, emergency services or a trusted person nearby. In India, Tele-MANAS provides mental-health support at 14416.
