Relocation stories often focus on things like getting the visa, finding a job, paying rent, and eventually building a life abroad. But what happens to the family left behind?
Dabota left Nigeria for Canada on a study route in 2022, while her husband stayed behind with her children. She talks to FunTimes about her journey so far. Her story highlights a side of japa that social media rarely shows: the emotional and family costs of starting over.
What was life like in Nigeria before you decided to relocate?
Life was relatively comfortable. My husband was working for one of the oil companies in Port Harcourt, and we were doing okay financially. But for us, the decision was not only about money. We started thinking about our children and their future, and it did not seem like they had a long-term future in Nigeria. We wanted them to have access to opportunities and a different kind of future. So my husband started pushing for me and the children to relocate.
What was the visa process like?
The financial aspect was not as difficult for us as it is for many people. There are families who have to sell properties, borrow money, or make enormous sacrifices just to raise the funds required to relocate. Even though we could manage the finances, the process itself was not so easy. I had to travel to Lagos for my medical examination and biometrics, and there were many things to organize before I could finally leave.
What was it actually like leaving Nigeria?
That was probably one of the hardest parts of the entire journey. On the day I left Nigeria, I cried so much because I was leaving my two daughters behind. One was ten and the other was eight. Even on the plane, I was trying so hard to compose myself. People sometimes see a person boarding a plane and think, “She has made it.” For me, boarding that plane meant leaving my babies behind. The goal was for me to establish myself first and then have my children join me. But that meant spending a period away from them.
How were those first few months in Canada?
Being far away from my husband and my children, all alone in a foreign country, trying to manage schoolwork, job hunting, and cold weather all at once, with no one there, was not a walk in the park. Getting a job was not as easy as people online always make it seem. You see people posting about moving abroad and getting jobs, but you don’t always see the applications that went unanswered or the rejection emails. I submitted application after application and received several rejections. Eventually, I got a job as a salesgirl. It was not necessarily the job I had imagined myself doing, but at that point, I was grateful to have something that could contribute to the money my husband was sending. Some months later, I got another job, this time a job in the health sector, after someone referred me. You may have qualifications, experience, and a good CV from Nigeria and still have to start somewhere completely different. People should prepare mentally for that.
Read also: “I paid for a skilled worker visa and met a huge shock when I arrived in the UK”
When did your daughters finally join you?
They joined me a year later, and it was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life. But it came with its own challenges too. Having my children with me meant I needed to figure out childcare while I worked. I had no one to help me look after them while I worked. It’s not like Nigeria, where you have family, friends, and even neighbors you can lean on. Here, you are on your own. We tried applying for a visa for my mum to come and help, but unfortunately, it was denied. That period was genuinely tough. At times, I had to take the risk of leaving my daughters alone while I went to work, praying nothing would go wrong and that I would not run into any trouble with the authorities over it. I pulled through, but I won’t pretend it was easy. It is the reality of many families here, especially women who are here alone while their husbands are back home in Nigeria. If you have to pay for childcare, the majority of what you earn will go into that, and you will have little left.
How do you cope with the long-distance side of things with your husband?
He visits every quarter, but it is really not the same as living together. A long-distance marriage, raising children in a completely different family setup from what you grew up with, that is not for the faint-hearted. Relocation has a way of quietly separating families, even when everyone is working toward the same goal. A visit every few months cannot completely replace everyday family life. Sometimes one person leaves first. Sometimes parents leave their children behind. Sometimes couples spend months or years living in different countries because of immigration processes, jobs, or finances. This is one of the hidden costs of relocation.
What are some of the hidden costs people do not talk about?
Everyone talks about the bills, rent, groceries, gas, and taxes. But the highest costs are often the ones nobody sees on a bank statement. Things like raising your children without your husband, your siblings, or your grandparents nearby. Doing everything yourself, because “help” here is a luxury most people can’t casually access. Fighting loneliness while still smiling for social media, because everyone assumes you are doing fine. Watching your parents grow older through video calls instead of in person. Working long shifts just to stay ahead of the bills, and missing the noise, the laughter, the sense of community you didn’t even realize you had taken for granted back home.
Canada gives opportunities, but you also have to make sacrifices. The truth is, many immigrants like me are not only paying with money. We are paying with time, with distance, with moments we will never get back. Still, many of us keep pushing, because we are building a future we hope our children will one day look back and appreciate.
Looking back, was relocating worth it?
For me, yes. The reason we made the decision was that we wanted something different for our children, and that remains important to us. But I would not pretend that it has been easy. I wish people talked more honestly about the emotional cost. Back in Nigeria, I was a stay-at-home mum. I had a maid, and my mum was always around. So, I had help. Here, it’s just me and my girls, and we have learned to do things ourselves. On the flip side, I now earn, and it feels really good to have my own money.
What advice would you give someone planning to relocate?
Do not rely on what you see on social media. People will only show you what they want you to see. Prepare emotionally, not just financially. Understand that loneliness is real. Know that you may not have it easy and may have to start from the bottom up. Don’t fall for shortcuts.
