Estimated reading time: 17 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Another 30-something here who’s never been on a date. Go figure. Like the majority of people writing to this column, I’m at a complete loss as to why.
I don’t want to rattle off a hefty paragraph about everything I’m supposedly doing “right”, but all in all, I’d like to think I’m a good man with a lot to offer. I’m reasonably attractive, physically fit, financially stable, and have my life together. In terms of hobbies, I’m a photographer, play piano, spend a lot of time outdoors exploring nature, and am involved in a local dance group. I’m exceptionally good with kids. I’m ambitious and work hard toward my goals. I know that I’m compassionate, empathetic, kind, and tolerant of others. I’ve been a safe space for many people. At the same time, I have boundaries and stick to them. I don’t allow myself to be pushed around, and I’m confident enough to walk away from people or situations I consider unhealthy.
I’ve spent most of my life believing I was never really a candidate for a romantic or sexual relationship. The stereotype of “nerds never getting girls” was definitely a mindset I developed in my youth, and after spending a lot of time online, some of the “women only want bad boys” rhetoric rubbed off on me, at least emotionally. Like most people, my confidence and self-esteem have improved with age, but the complete lack of any lived experience to challenge those beliefs has meant my perception of myself hasn’t changed much. I still see myself as “too soft” or somehow less masculine than other men. Adding to that, I spend a lot of my free time in social circles where I’m surrounded by women who are partnered, unavailable, or clearly uninterested in me romantically. Some even confide in me about the frustrating men in their lives. As a result, I’ve often felt like the sort of man that women are comfortable around, but could never actually desire.
So I’m always genuinely confused when people suggest otherwise. For over a decade now, friends and acquaintances have told me that I could easily attract a partner. Which brings me to why I started writing this letter.
A few weeks ago, another acquaintance, quite randomly, commented on the way I come across at the dance scene. She struggled to put her thoughts into words, but said that I clearly wasn’t someone who moulded himself around other people. She described me as self-assured, physically imposing, an amazing dancer, and this all leads to be coming across as somewhat intimidating or unapproachable. Eventually, she said that I gave off what some people might call “alpha male” energy. I’ve always found it interesting that many people seem to avoid me, or don’t try to connect with me, but I can’t reconcile in any way with being an alpha male.
While people tell me I come across as attractive or confident, I’ve never had any obvious romantic interest directed my way. As a result, I’ve found it easier to assume they’re mistaken and stick to the women I already know and feel comfortable around.
Which leaves me in a strange position. Neither my internal monologue nor my assumptions about how others see me appear to be accurate. If I’m genuinely perceived as confident, masculine, or even intimidating, then many of the beliefs I’ve carried for years about what women find attractive — and where I fit into that picture—start to fall apart. And yet, I can’t help but feel that some of the traits I pride myself on — my kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness — might actually be holding me back. I try to be supportive, considerate, and reliable, but maybe that just makes me easy to be around as a friend rather than someone women see as a romantic interest.
The problem is that I have no idea what to do with that information. On an intellectual level, I can accept that these women probably aren’t lying to me. There would be no reason for them to. Yet emotionally, it feels impossible to reconcile their descriptions with the reality I have experienced. If I am attractive, desirable, confident, or whatever else people insist that I am, then why has none of that ever translated into an actual romantic opportunity? At the same time, I struggle to understand how much responsibility for my situation lies with me. I know that relationships don’t simply materialise out of thin air, but I also look around at other people and wonder what exactly they’re doing differently. Many seem less confident, less emotionally aware, less stable, and yet they somehow stumble into relationships with apparent ease. I don’t resent them for it, but it does leave me feeling as though I’ve missed some fundamental lesson that everyone else learned years ago.
I can’t help but feel like I’ll never figure this out.
Are They Talking About ME?
You’re right, this is another letter that hits the same notes as so many of the ones that came before. But as part of my policy with this column is to focus on answers that might be helpful not just to the people writing in but for other folks reading, I wanted to pull this one for a number of reasons.
See, what you’re demonstrating, ATTAM, are some incredibly common mistaken ideas about attraction, masculinity and understanding whose standards you’re trying to live up to, and it’s worth breaking these down so that you – and other men in your situation – can start breaking some of the self-limiting beliefs that you’ve been holding onto.
Now I will be honest, I’m tempted to highlight “after spending a lot of time online”, and say “well there’s your problem”, and call it a day. But putting the snark aside… this really is part of the problem, because a lot of the beliefs you’re stuck on are entirely born out of this. The problem that you – like so many others before you – keep getting hung up on is that your ideas about what women find attractive and what they want in a partner is entirely based around traits that other men admire and give them status with other men. So much of the cult of the Alpha Male/red-pill/MRA bullshit centers around a perverse sort of Halo Effect; you see someone with these traits men admire in other men and then presume that this must mean that this person be reaping all the rewards that come with being this supposedly powerful, admirable masculine figure. And since so much of masculine in-group value is measured by sexual accomplishment, one of the things that people just assume is that women must flock to him like mice to cheese.
Yet strangely, that doesn’t actually play out in the real world. Even people like Claviuclar, who supposedly has put in all this work to be incredibly handsome, gets to watch women make a face and walk away as soon as he talks to them for five seconds and they get a dose of what may be charitably called his “personality”.
(The fact that this keeps happening on livestreams adds to the comedy of it all and is a reminder of how deceptive clip-edits can be.)
I mention this because in your letter, you have a prime example of misunderstanding what men admire vs. what women want: “I’ve often felt like the sort of man that women are comfortable around, but could never actually desire.” This dichotomy you’ve presented for yourself is not just wrong, it’s backwards. Here’s the thing you’re missing: desire doesn’t exist without comfort. Comfort and security are vital when it comes to not just attraction but the willingness to act on that attraction. Even women who are looking for casual sex or a one-night stand aren’t interested in someone unless they feel safe and secure with them. Study after study has found that when women are more likely to be open to a fling with a stranger when they feel that they would be physically and emotionally safe with that person. After all, there’s not much appeal to a hook up with someone who isn’t likely to be bringing his a-game (he’s not likely to ever see them again, after all) and he’s just going to call her a slut afterwards.
On the other hand, traits like comfort, emotional intelligence, safety, kindness, consideration and personal warmth all consistently rank at the top of the charts for the traits that women are looking for in a partner; these are all pro-social traits that indicate that this person is someone you can feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest with. And it really shouldn’t be a surprise that vulnerability and honesty are key to a sexual connection.
This even shows up in long-term, committed relationships. Women’s attraction to and desire for their male partners is consistently positively correlated with the amount of housework the men do.
So right off the bat, the fact that women feel comfortable and secure with you and are willing to talk about their problems with you? That is a good thing. Even if these women aren’t necessarily interested in you a potential partner, this is still social proof that you are someone who women can trust and who has a greater level of emotional intelligence than a lot of the so-called “bad boys”. You are vetted.
But another thing to consider is how much masculinity is a performance and people’s perception is influenced by outside factors. Much like confidence, it’s situational; you behave differently in some areas of life than in others, just as you are more confident in some areas than in others. There’s no better example of this than the moment with your friend in the dancing scene.
Partnered dancing, especially structured styles like ballroom, swing and Latin dancing all require a strong frame, decisive movement and clear non-verbal communication; spaghetti arms, hesitant steps and muddled or murky cues are all marks of a poor or inexperienced dancer. But those qualities all also project an image of confidence and self-assurance, which is part of why your friend and others feel like you’re giving off “alpha male” energy.
Amusingly, you can see that precise difference in Dirty Dancing as Baby is trying to learn how to do the bachata with Johnny; the difference between how she dances when she’s replacing Penny and the end of the movie demonstrates in part how she feels about herself and her emotional growth from a naïve but well-meaning kid to someone who’s willing to go to bat for a stranger, despite clear and obvious consequences.
But here’s the other thing that you seem to be missing in what your friend said: that “alpha male” energy you’re giving off in that moment is also off-putting to others. It’s intimidating, even scary, and it makes people feel like you’re unapproachable. And that shouldn’t come as a surprise; it carries an image of not just confidence but dominance, not just assurance but control. Those, again, are traits that gain clout in male circles, but put off women because it suggests that those traits are going to equally apply in the bedroom and in their relationships. If you were to leaven this with a warm smile and soft eyes while dancing as well as some looser, more relaxed and more open body language when you’re not dancing, you might be shocked at just how different people would behave around you.
However, none of this is going to help you until you do one simple and very important thing first: accept that you are, in fact, mistaken. Until you are willing to say “wait, maybe I’m wrong about this,” nothing is going to change, because you aren’t going to change. You have written off the possibility that people might like you because the things that they are attracted to are the things that you have convinced yourself nobody wants. You aren’t seeing people’s potential interest because you don’t believe it’s possible.
Worse, you keep assuming that the people who tell you otherwise are either mistaken or liars. You quite literally say this in your own letter! This is precisely how the confirmation bias works; you dismiss or downplay evidence that disproves what you believe, while highlighting and giving more attention to evidence that serves to confirm it. You aren’t going to see people as being interested in you, because you write it off as a mistake or you were misunderstanding something. Then, as you say, you choose to instead just stay around the people you know and are already comfortable with instead of taking a chance and shooting your shot.
I presume I don’t have to quote the old saw about missing shots that you don’t take, right?
This is one of the many commonalities that guys in your situation share: one of the biggest contributors to why you’re single is that you don’t actually go out and try to get dates. You’re too busy hoping for someone to send a sign that your brain can’t reject before you make a move or take a chance. After all, why bother taking a chance when you believe you’ve been pre-rejected before you’ve so much as opened your mouth?
This is why the first step of breaking your self-limiting beliefs is to accept the possibility that you might be wrong. This is, admittedly, difficult to do. Part of why you’re having a hard time accepting this emotionally is that to do so would mean that much of your struggle with dating is self-inflicted. That’s something that can be a real metaphorical kick in the emotional nuts, so it’s not exactly a surprise that people struggle with this step. This is the disconnect you’re experiencing, because accepting that you’re wrong about what women want, that you’re wrong about how you’re perceived and how people may feel about you means that you’re wrong about other things.
This includes all the “evidence” that you’ve used to bolster those beliefs. You see people who don’t have the qualities you have get into relationships, for example, but you don’t stop to consider that you’re basing your conclusions on incomplete and inaccurate information. You aren’t seeing how those other men are behaving when they’re first meeting and courting the women they go on to date, you aren’t talking to women about what it is about those men that they find appealing and you’re making a lot of assumptions based on nothing but pure supposition and mere glimpses of their interaction. But since those assumptions support your pre-existing, self-limiting belief, you accept them without questioning.
Because to question it would mean to question a lot of the other conclusions that you’ve come to… up to and including the likelihood that people haven’t shown romantic interest in you. Instead, the far greater possibility is that they have… and you have missed all of those opportunities, because you couldn’t believe they existed in the first place.
That’s a hard and very bitter pill to swallow. But if you can grit your teeth and make it past the initial “wait, I don’t want this to be true”, then it raises an important and significant question: what’s the benefit of holding onto these beliefs? If, as the movie says, following those “rules” brought you to this point, then what was the purpose of the rules? Or to put it another way: how’s that been working out for you so far?
And more importantly: do you want to be “right”? Or do you want to be happy?
This is why you’re struggling to understand this and why you feel like you can’t figure it out. To do so is going to require to accept the possibility that you were wrong about damn near everything and to start over from scratch. That’s scary, to be sure. But here’s the thing: choosing to change your mind, challenge those beliefs and start behaving differently costs you nothing. After all, if you’re right and I’m wrong, then nothing is going to change; you’ll be in the same place you were before. So consider this NerdLove’s Wager: believe that women do like you for the qualities you have and are proud of, rather than assuming that it makes you a friend and not a lover. If you’re wrong, nothing changes except maybe you feel a little better about yourself for a while. But if you’re right? Well… look at everything you stand to gain.
The choice is yours.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Hello I was on your website today and I really got some powerful info from your rejection session. But what I’m really looking for is this,,,,
I (64y look and act 54) have been in a healthy, monogamous once-in–a-lifetime, 2nd time around (both divorced) relationship with an absolute 100% wonderful man(59y) for 3.5 yrs. I have a habit of touching men on the arm etc., which is a deal breaker for him and his #1 boundary.
He is breaking up with me if I cannot give him the REASON WHY I continue to do this. Knowing his boundary, and jeopardizing our relationship. please help me I am at the end of my rope with trying to find the proper, specific research available.
What’s Wrong With Me?
Ok, WWWM, I don’t like starting off challenging the validity of a person’s description of their life and situation but… I really have to question the health of this relationship and the wonderfulness of your partner, based on, well… everything you say immediately after that.
First and foremost, what he’s describing isn’t a boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what other people are “allowed” to do. Boundaries are self-oriented; they’re about what the person holding the boundary will accept or not accept, what they will put up with or not put up with. A boundary isn’t “you do this or else”, it’s “I won’t tolerate someone doing X to me” or “I won’t be in a relationship with someone who does Y”. So in this case, an actual boundary would be “I won’t be in a relationship with a woman who makes casual physical contact with another man.”
Now, people can think someone else’s boundaries are stupid or weird… but that’s their prerogative. The person who sets the boundary gets to set it where they choose, regardless of how little sense it may make to the other person. Those other people simply have to decide whether they want to go along with it or not.
But it’s the enforcement of that boundary that also comes into play. An actual boundary is self-executed and self-enforced. If, using the previous example, that person’s partner keeps pushing that boundary, then enforcing that boundary would mean that he leaves his partner.
What you’re describing isn’t a boundary, it’s a demand. And to be perfectly blunt: it’s also not a deal-breaker, seeing as this has been going on for some time. Since I sincerely doubt that you started casually touching people on the arm when after you started dating him, I’m finding it difficult to believe that he’s been putting up with this stone in his shoe for years now.
(Is it possible that this is something that’s been irritating him for years and he hasn’t said anything until it finally boiled over? Sure… but that’s the literal definition of a “him” problem and he should’ve said something long ago… or left the relationship entirely because of it.)
I also question this dude’s wonderfulness if something as simple as casual platonic contact is enough to overcome everything good in your relationship. And the “I want you to justify why you’re doing it or else…” just tells me that no answer you give is going to actually satisfy him. I am willing to bet ten bucks cash money that you could hand him multiple reports from the National Institute of Health as well as studies on cultural practices and heterosocial physical contact that all say this is natural, normal and psychologically healthy and it would still not be enough.
It doesn’t matter how you answer the trick question; it’s always going to be wrong, no matter what you do.
But why do you do it? I have no idea. I don’t live in your head, I don’t know how you were raised and I don’t know what culture you came from. Some cultures – and families and individuals, for that matter – are more touchy-feely than others and use touch to communicate a wide variety of messages. A casual touch on the arm, shoulder or forearm could be a sign of affection, for example. Some people will touch a person on the arm as a sign of apology – if they bumped into them, interrupted them or made some other minor faux pas. Still others use a casual touch like punctuation, a non-verbal form of emphasis to signal how significant, serious or important something they’re saying is.
Hell, for some people, it’s a pure reflex; someone touches them and they touch them back in a similar place. This can be a system of dominance – one person has ‘touching privilege’ and the other doesn’t – or a way of emphasizing similarities and thus increasing social cohesion and connection.
The person who’ll best understand what you mean when you touch someone… is you. You’re the only person who as a 24-7 live feed of your thoughts, impulses and behaviors, so examining the whys and wherefores of your use of touch will give you a better answer than I could.
But as I said: the issue here is less about your touching people and more about why it so bothers your partner that they’re holding your relationship hostage over it. I think it might be more productive to ask why he has such a problem with it and why he’s waited three and a half years to make a stink if it’s his “#1 boundary and deal breaker”. But when he does explain why it’s a problem for him… well, I think you’re going to need to ask yourself whether that’s the onlyproblem he’s going to have with you. If he’s threatening to break up with you over this, I’m willing to bet that there will be other innocuous behaviors that suddenly become his new #1 boundary after this one is resolved.
So I think the more important question to ask WWWM: are you willing to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to take a once-in-a-lifetime connection with you and all that you’ve built together over the years… and then throw it all away over something as minor as casual, platonic physical contact with another person.
Good luck.
