Will I Just Never Be Ready For Sex?

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

How old do you have to be to know whether you’re just not ready for sex and will want it when you’re a little more mature, or whether this is just the way you are?

I am 23 and I have been telling myself this will probably be different in a few years ever since I was about 13. I had a very normal childhood with two parents and I was never abused or sexually assaulted. I live in a culture where 13-15 is the normal age to lose one’s virginity, 16 and you start being seen as a late bloomer. Normally the only people my age with no experience are the highly religious, which I am not at all.

I am apparently attractive because I get near constant male interest despite not wearing makeup (also super rare here) and dressing fairly unisex and modest. This makes me feel guilty because if I only wanted them, I would have many more options than some of my girlfriends who badly want to date and get married, but are less attractive. I have been in several short relationships but these always end when they realize that sex is not going to be on the table for a long time, if ever.

The really weird part is I do have a very active fantasy and masturbation life, which is mainly centered around furry art and fan fiction, particularly male/male, omegaverse, mpreg (male pregnancy), and whump (characters getting sick, injured and/or mentally traumatized, and usually healed or comforted by their love interest). I always thought this would help me by getting me used to sexual thoughts without no pressure or resemblance to reality, and sort of ease into the reality of sex that way. But the easing in part has not happened yet and shows no signs of happening. And a close friend (the only person I have talked to about this in real life) recently suggested this stuff is actually bad for me, because it directs my sexual energy away from possible real relationships and into fantasies that could never happen. I’m hesitant to tell anyone else, including a therapist, because in my culture most people offline do not distinguish attraction to anthropomorphic cartoon animals from a desire to sexually abuse real animals.

What is your opinion of this? And would you say I might still mature past this? Or is it more likely this is just who I am and always will be?

Fabulous Furry Freak Sister?

Let me lead off with asking you a question, FFFS: does this lack of interest in sex actually bother you? And when I say “bother”, I don’t mean in the sense of “well, developmentally and culturally speaking, I really should’ve started by now, but I haven’t and I guess that’s weird”, but in the sense that this lack of interest in sex (or at least, sex with other people) causes you significant distress that you’re hoping to resolve?

This is an important question to answer, so I want you to put some serious thought into it. Because honestly, if the answer is no, you’re not particularly bothered by this, then I really don’t see a problem here.

It sounds to me like you are on the asexuality spectrum, where you just don’t experience sexual desire for other people. And the ace spectrum is a spectrum, because it covers a fairly wide variety of people – from people who are actively repulsed by sex, to people who simply don’t experience sexual desire, to people who only experience sexual desire either incredibly rarely or under specific circumstances. This also includes folks who may masturbate for various reasons, ranging from prostate health to better sleep to just, y’know, wanting to get off… but who don’t actually want to have sex with other people.

And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with any of that. If partnered sex ain’t something you’re interested in, hey, more power to you. There’s a wide range of toys and tools to facilitate your orgasms, including ones that are designed with furries in mind.

I do find it interesting how most of the fantasies and genres you mention tend to veer to the taboo like dubious consent (via the Omegaverse) and gender-inversion, often with men in submissive or female roles (literally, with mpreg). It may be worth your time and an interesting exercise to dig into what it is you find hot about those – whether it’s the deliberate disregard for cultural gender roles, finding men in more submissive postures or even more nurturing and supportive roles rather than dominant and aggressive ones. That may give some insight into how your libido works and what revs your engine. It could also be that the way women are filmed and portrayed in “traditional” porn throws you off, so seeing people who are visibly and obviously not you allows you to get turned on without the incongruity causing mental static.

But while that may be useful for self-knowledge and context – or a starting point for exploring other, similar fantasies, for that matter – it’s more an intellectual exercise than a diagnostic one. Sometimes understanding what about your fantasies works for you can give you insight into your own character and workings of your own mind.

What I don’t think is that the stuff you’re getting off to is “diverting your attention away”. That’s… really not how this all works. People who choose to pursue porn over relationships aren’t forgoing sex with people because they’ve channeled all their energy into hentai or what-have you. Even people with impossible-to-realize fetishes like vore, giants, fantastic animals and the like will pursue relationships with people. The people who choose porn over sex and relationships are usually doing so because porn is easier and doesn’t require making yourself emotionally vulnerable or risking rejection. It’s not that porn has taken up all room, it’s just that porn asks far, far less of them than a person would.

I can’t tell you if you’re going to “grow” out of this or not. Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor any more than he’s a prophet who can see the future. It’s entirely possible that you’ll meet someone and you’ll be surprised to discover that you’re having hot, sweaty thoughts about them. Or you could go the rest of your life, happily wanking away to the best omegasmut and furry art out there. Both are as likely and honestly, both seem like they would be perfectly acceptable outcomes for you.

But as I said, if you aren’t feeling particularly distressed by any of this, then there really isn’t a problem here that needs to be solved. Folks may find it confusing or hard to wrap their heads around it, but that’s a them problem, not a you problem. It’s not as though you’re not-having-sex at them after all.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with just not being into partnered sex. It may cause complications for you if you want to have a romantic relationship – most people are allosexual and so expect their relationship to have a sexual component – but that’s something to discuss and negotiate with potential partners.

My only is to visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. They have a number of resources and FAQs regarding asexuality that I think you would find helpful, as well as forums for people like you to ask questions and get some answers.

Otherwise, my recommendation? See if there’re any furry conventions near you, bring your disposable income and have yourself a ball.

Good luck.

Hey Doc,

I’ve got a bit of an issue with these two girls I got to school and volunteer with.

Basically, I’m your typical shy, keep-to-myself, kind of guy. I get up, go to school and listen to my music. I wouldn’t say I’m happy, but it’s life.

Recently, I was kind of strong-armed into doing some volunteering by my Dad. People seem to be glad I’m doing it, but I don’t really enjoy it very much. The thing is, I’m really confused by these two girls my life keeps crossing over with.

One is a *lot* like me. In fact, my volunteering started in earnest after she was too ill to work. She’s kind of quiet and keeps to herself, and I just can’t figure out if she likes me.

The other girl joined a bit later from overseas and she’s mean to my constantly, but I think she might like me?

To be honest, I’m pretty young, don’t really like myself and can’t figure this out. I sort of feel like I’m on auto-pilot. Can you help?

A Lonely Hedgehog

I appreciate this letter, ALH,  because I knew this graphic was going to pay dividends eventually…

A lot of what I have to say is actually covered in my video “The (Love) Lessons of Evangelion”, and a part that I think would be most relevant to you is the fact that you can’t live your life for other people’s validation.

It’s not exactly a surprise that you feel like you’re on auto-pilot; in a very real sense you are. You’re going through the motions of being of use to other people.

Yes, I’ll get to the girls in a moment, stick with me, I’m rolling here.

One of the worst things you can do for yourself – emotionally, psychically and socially – is to equate being useful to others to being loved. While being drafted by your father and blackmailed into staying makes you “valuable” to others, equating your self-worth with the value that you provide to others is a great way to drive yourself to madness. It’s a form of external validation, an attempt to fill the hole at the core of yourself by being useful and valuable to others in hopes that by being valuable, you will also be valued. But here’s the thing: you won’t, and it won’t help. The value, in this case, isn’t as a person, but as a tool, and while a tool may be important, it’s still a tool. Tools break, tools get discarded when they don’t work and tools can be replaced. Being of use to others just means that your value is contingent on that use. Once you are no longer of use, you no longer would have a place.

Moreover, a tool has no agency and no purpose; it only exists to be used by others. Being a tool – being of use – just means that you are ultimately a passive object in your own life, and it encourages you to see others as tools in yours. After all, if your purpose is to be of use to others, wouldn’t it stand to reason that other people exist to be of use to you? Even if that use is to provide validation or love, especially love that you aren’t receiving from other sources?

Now I’m entirely sympathetic when it comes to people who’ve taken it on board that they have to be useful in order to be worthy of the love and affection of others; this is often born out of a lack of love in their lives, especially when they were younger. But while I’m sympathetic, that doesn’t change my opinion that you’re ultimately responsible for yourself and your situation. While you can’t control everything around you, you can choose and control how you respond to it and how you work with it.

And that includes choosing how to feel about yourself. The thing about being useful is that “useful” isn’t the same as valued or valuable. Being useful, even needed doesn’t mean you’ll be accepted or loved for it. It makes the relationships you have conditional, and one of the conditions is that once you’re no longer of use, those relationships will be taken away. This is why the core of your sense of self and self-worth has to come from you. You have to be your own source of value and validation first and foremost; everything else is temporary and impermanent. Once you learn to love yourself for being yourself, for embracing your own worth, it becomes much easier to connect with others, to lower your shields and let them in. It means risking being hurt… but without that risk you can never fully get the reward of being loved either.

The good news though, is that you can choose to take those risks, to be different, to trust in yourself and the people around you. You can choose to let people in and accept the love and care that people are trying to give you. And your current volunteer work is an opportunity to start.

While the volunteering you do makes you of use to others – even in the sense of stepping up when someone else couldn’t – it’s important to ask: how do you feel about it? Does it bring meaning into your life? Are you proud of being part of this and what you’re accomplishing? Does it make you feel that you’re doing something worthwhile, something that makes the world better? Are you able to connect with it in a way that you find makes it important to you? Or is it ultimately a thing you do because you were told to and it brings you praise from others?

Now, it’s entirely possible that this isn’t going to be your thing – the thing that makes you feel like you have purpose and bringing meaning to your life. If that’s the case, then I would suggest that you find something that does. Having a creative outlet can be useful here – since listening to your music is important, have you considered learning how to play an instrument? Playing music, especially playing with others, is one of the most primal and uniquely human experiences in the world – something we’ve been doing since humans in the savannah figured out the secrets of the toot, whistle, pluck and boom. Even just a garage band or high-school string quartet can be a transcendent experience and build connections with people that last a lifetime.

And as a bonus, those connections will help you build the community you’re looking for and give you the self-trust that will help you build the confidence that will make you a happier, stronger and more independent person.

And that’ll be important because it will make learning this lesson much easier: people who treat you like shit when they actually like you are almost never worth your time. I love me some antagonistic banter and hate-sex, but quite frankly, life is too short for trying to deal with someone who thinks that insults and abuse and lashing out at people who try to treat them with kindness are appropriate ways of dealing with their own emotional turmoil and self-esteem issues. If that exchange student likes you, she can spend some time getting over herself and learn how to express it like a grown-ass adult instead of a toddler.

(Thanks for the April Fool Me entry, ALH, this was a fun one.)

Good luck.