(prompted by a funeral I went to yesterday; I didn’t offer this poem as a eulogy)
I really like a funeral
It’s weddings I can’t stand
And christenings, come to that
The two go hand in hand.
All that bloody joie de vivre
And fucking bonhomie
Just play the fucking “Wedding March”
So we can get some tea.
And why’d they think we’re interested
To join their wedding do?
And not just for the servive
But the all-day disco too.
“You’re cordially invited
Next year to Sicily;
Save the date and join us”
Well, fuck RSVP.
But funerals are much quicker
Cos when you’re gone you’re gone
Just black tie and “Abide With Me”
And get the gas turned on.
Or listen to some vicar plea
For his departed soul
While others blub; but what I say
Is “Get him in the hole”.
Then head back to the village hall
A bit of weepy woe
Pork pie and cheese sandwiches
And more pork pie-to-go.
And when at lest my time comes round
No need to wail and weep
No service needed; you’ll find me
Chucked on the compost heap.
