Estimated reading time: 19 minutes
What am I doing wrong in life, Doc?
I’ve spent the last decade trying to fix my life, and even though I’ve made some genuinely incredible progress, I still feel as if I’m failing at the basics.
Let me start with the positives, so I’m not just beating myself up. I used to be an extremely anxious, depressed, and socially unconfident young man. Eventually, I pushed myself hard to get out into the world. I tried new activities, went to events, met countless people, and over the years I basically became the opposite of who I used to be – confident, socially outgoing, and maybe even too independent. My physical health and finances are in a good place and still improving. I don’t live in the ideal location for socialising, but I have the time and money to go out, so I attend multiple weekly classes and go to social nights a few times a month. I’m definitely a familiar face.
Here’s the sticking point – I have never found “my people”. I’ve had acquaintances and drifted through a few friend groups, but I’ve never fit in, or I’ve made poor choices in terms of who I chose to associate with. I spent most of my twenties on Reddit and self-help sites asking, “What is wrong with me?”, and people would suggest volunteering, or going to bars, or joining a sport. I did all of it. Yet I still walked away without any real, lasting connection. I actually got banned off one site after several years for “trolling”. Out of the entire decade, I’ve stayed in touch with only two people from my studies. They’re nice, they’re good people, but we’re not emotionally close, and I rarely see or hear from them.
It would be easy to assume I must be doing something socially unacceptable to end up this isolated, but what confuses me most is that people seem to think I have my life together. I’m an attractive and social guy, so it’s always assumed that I have a lot of friends, a girlfriend, or that I date regularly. I get complimented on my appearance and personality all the time.
As for women, I get on with them fine platonically, and I know they enjoy talking to me, but I can’t seem to cross that line. When I try to get to know someone better, by suggesting we do something or even just exchange contact details, they’re simply not interested. No numbers, no dates. I’ve never been on one.
Have I tried being proactive and open? Absolutely. I’ve told people I don’t have much of a social life. I’ve invited them to do things. Either nothing comes of it, or I get the usual “too busy” or “maybe.” And no one…not one person…initiates anything with me. No one reaches out, invites me anywhere, or includes me in group chats, even though I know they have them and they’re sharing memes with each other on Instagram. I’m not hard to find.
I want to offer an example. There’s a social night I go to that’s mostly women, though there are plenty of men too. I’m a familiar face, I talk to everyone, and I even invited a couple of classmates to come along, which they did. I had people introduce me to their friends, and we all have a laugh. I got talking to a couple of new people. On paper, it’s exactly how a good social night should go. But anyone my age, especially the women, don’t really interact with me. They form their own little groups, and I end up mostly chatting with people at totally different life stages. To add to the perception issue, at the next class a guy asked how my night went, giving me this knowing smirk, because he’d seen me talking to a woman when he left. He clearly assumed we’d gone home together…but she’s married with two kids.
By way of another example, I went to a class the other day and, at this particular place, I do occasionally do some casual work and help those that are new to the hobby. One of the newcomers commented that I was a “great teacher” who made the night really fun, and one of the regulars turned around to agree, and said I was a “lovely guy”.
So I’m in this position where I am a lone wolf, trying to find his pack, and unable to make any sort of lasting connection. I’m unable to date because prospective partners aren’t interested in me, and meeting one is much harder without a social life, but I can’t form a social life beyond “Go here, talk to people, go home alone”.
I take responsibility for my patterns, and I know something’s going on, but I genuinely don’t know how to break out of it. I’ve spent most of this year crying, either alone or with my therapist, and while I’d like to believe that means I’m healing (because let’s face it, we all have things to work on), the truth is that friendships and romantic connections still feel almost impossible for me.
Looking For Group
If you’re a regular reader, you may be familiar with the times I’ve said “there’re some crucial details missing here” with regard to people’s letters. Sometimes this is a tacit admission that there’s only so much that’s within the remit of an advice column; after all, I can’t know what you may or may not be doing wrong if I’m not following you around like it’s a reality show or an Attenborough-esque nature documentary.
(Sidebar: Hey producers, I am absolutely willing to do this. Call me!)
Other times… well, other times, there’re things alluded to in the letter that are likely relevant to the situation but were otherwise left out.
This is a case of both. As I said: without following you around for weeks or months, it’s going to be hard to say what the precise nature of the problem is. I don’t know, for example, how many times you’ve talked with people at the events you attend, for how long or under what context before you invite them to events or try to make plans. Similarly, I don’t know – and you don’t say – whether these are one-time invitations and never to be asked again, or if you’ve made multiple overtures to the same people before giving up. However, there’re things you mention that seem like they’d be relevant – why you were kicked off a site for trolling. Which site, why they thought you were trolling… it may not necessarily paint a pretty picture or be a moment that you’re proud of, but it is relevant information. After all, we’re not different people online and off; nobody’s a completely different person just because they’re sitting behind a keyboard. It speaks to how your frustration may be manifesting in your daily life and how it could be interfering in your desire to make new friends or find dates.
Now, there’re a number of reasons why folks struggle to make connections when they’re doing “everything right”. Many times, it tends to be a matter of time and repetition. One of the issues people tend to run into is one of expectation; they expect the connections to come much faster than is reasonable. While it’s true that sometimes folks will find a crew with whom they click immediately, more often than not, it takes a while to build up the level of familiarity and connection that leads to becoming more than just acquaintances. Even in my own life, I remember multiple times as an adult where I would have to build a new social circle, and how it took some weeks and months before my friends and I had the sort of ties that meant we would get together outside of, say, classes we shared or the drawing club we were part of.
This is part of why it’s easier to make friends when you’re in school; you see the same people on a daily or weekly basis and tend to have at least weak ties to many people that could be used as a foundation for building stronger ones. The same with why we tend to make friends at work or church, or through various organizations from interest groups to even old-fashioned fraternal orders like The Elks. It can take time to build up the sort of connection that leads to “yes, I would like to hang out with you elsewhere.”
Another common factor is the “tried it once and gave up” issue. A lot of folks will ask someone to hang out or invite people to make plans, then after receiving a no or a non-committal reply, never try again. Often, this coincides with being a relative newcomer or early in class, before any real ties have been made. And while it’s understandable that you might not want to feel like a pest or risk being rejected multiple times… the fact of the matter is that sometimes you have to be willing to persevere in the face of a “no, thanks”.
The worry about coming across as needy, lonely or, worse, creepy is understandable, the same as with trying to ask someone on a date. But there’s a distinct difference between not accepting a rejection and the belief that you get one shot and one shot only. As in dating, sometimes the issue is that the person or people don’t know you well enough, you haven’t put in time for them to feel comfortable or ready to say yes, or even a simple matter of the timing not being right. If you were pestering people on a daily or weekly basis like a yappy dog demanding to know “what’re we doing today Spike huh huh huh huh?” or a sleazy guy who thinks “not if you were the last man on earth” is something that only applies to other people, that would be one thing. But if you made one overture of “hey, want to go catch the game on Saturday?” and “I don’t know about you but I could use a drink after work; wanna come?” two weeks later, that’s not going to come off as intrusive, weird or not taking the hint.
There’s also sometimes an issue of not establishing the common ground that would lead to an organic-feeling invitation. One of the benefits of sports fandom, for example, is that it’s an instant bonding topic; being able to go over the highlights and low lights and bad calls of last night’s game means that you and the other person or people have a clear interest in common. It’s a lot easier, once you’ve established that you’re both fans of the same team or athlete to extend that invitation to watch the game or even host a watch party. The same could apply to talking about food or cooking, art – anything helps show that you have this particular interest in common. Establishing that shared interest makes it much simpler to invite someone to enjoy it with you – or for them to invite you.
Still other times, it’s a matter of hosting or arranging something that doesn’t feel like it’s asking a lot or feeling too presumptuous or intimate. If you happen to be throwing a cookout with friends, inviting classmates or fellow club members you talk to feels completely normal and natural. If anything, it can be a little easier to say yes to, simply because it doesn’t presume or infer a level of friendship or connection that isn’t there yet. A group event, especially if there’re other people invited and coming, can feel like something that’s easier to say “sure!” to, if only because the presence of other people will mean that you’re not going to feel like you’re going to be stuck making awkward small talk with the person who invited you until you can make your excuses and dip.
And of course, there’s always the possibility that the way you’re presenting yourself to others is coming off in ways that may put them on edge. Or you may simply have not met folks that you are compatible with – whether in interests or personality.
Now, it can be difficult to spot precisely where the sticking points are, especially when you’re trying to analyze your own situation. It’s very easy to let your own wants, needs, expectations and blind spots distort things. So one thing I always recommend people who are having consistent social problems is to start journaling – by hand, rather than typing or voice to text. In these cases, I recommend writing down everything about the event as factually and with as little editorializing as you can – what you said, who you talked to, what they said, how you felt when you talked to them, what happened and so on. Try your best to keep any analysis or assumptions about what other people were saying, thinking or doing to a minimum, but otherwise let it flow as directly from brain to pen to paper as possible. Write it down, then let it be; don’t touch the journal until you write the next day’s events down.
Then, every week or two weeks, pick a day and go read back through the entries from the beginning until the present and see what leaps out at you. Often, you’ll start to see recurring issues or patterns that you weren’t aware of at the time. By letting yourself write with as little conscious planning or thinking as possible, and then going back and reading it later, you help minimize letting your expectations and prejudices color what you write. You didn’t have the perspective or detachment to see them in the moment, but with the benefit of time and distance, it’s easier to spot them. Even things you thought you were aware of at the time – patterns you swear you were paying great attention to – will likely have details that you missed or correlations that you never picked up on until now.
To be sure: you have to be willing to be as factual and neutral as you can – as though you were a dispassionate and objective observer. This is hard, because we see the world through the filter of our beliefs and expectations. When you expect rejection and being disliked, you’re going to see it everywhere. But if you can focus on presenting just the facts as an outside observer might have seen them, with as few of the editorial assumptions as possible, you can start to see patterns and points where things start to shift.
Once you’re aware of these moments, you can then start to plan how to deal with them. It may be that you are stressing yourself out and ejecting early. You may never get beyond very basic small-talk – not even to talking about the latest movies or what you’ve been watching on streaming. Or there may be some clue that points to something about your behavior or mindset that’s throwing things off.
It’s tricky, and it requires a level of honesty that can be uncomfortable… and that can include positive honesty, not just “here’s all the ways I suck”. You may well realize that the issue isn’t that people like you, but that you are expecting rejection or disinterest and so mistaking “I can’t because I have a legitimate scheduling conflict” for “I don’t want to because I don’t like you”. But if you are willing to take that step back and spend the time to record and go through as much data as you reasonably can, you can make a significant head start into seeing past the filters of your confirmation biases and start to see where you’re failing to connect with your potential friends and dates.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I am a 40-year-old man. I’ve had only one relationship in my life and it was a 5-year toxic and abusive mess. I was mentally abused, berated. While we did have sex, I was basically an automated sex toy and she refused to ever touch me outside of the body-to-body contact. So, I am not very well experienced.
I was bullied badly as a kid and was in high school at the height of abstinence teaching. They scared us out of having sex as they said doing so would give us disease and kill us. They brought in AIDS patients to scare us. It really messed me up for a long time. So, with all that, I ignored dating and women in my 20s.
I’ve been single now for 4 years. I’ve had no success on any apps. Occasional conversations that go nowhere. I’d say I get maybe one match a month or less. Recently I’ve had 0.
I’m invisible outside. I thought I hit it off with a barista at a local cafe. She gave me her number. But when I texted, it turned out it was not her number at all. I understand why she did that, but it still stung. She could have just said no. I stopped going after that due to humiliation.
I feel like I have to give up. I’m desperately trying not to give in to the “pill” discourse but I am seeing myself as a totally unlovable unattractive broken person. I don’t see why anyone would want to put up with this when there’s always better guys out there for them.
I appreciate any feedback here.
Alone For the Holidays
First and foremost, I’m so sorry for what you went through with your ex. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and frankly, you’re well rid of her. I’m only sorry that you didn’t ditch her much, much sooner. It’s important that you understand that the way she treated you was heinous and undeserved, and holding it up as an example of how you are not well experienced is… well, honestly, it shouldn’t be held up as an example of anything other than abuse.
Now, having said that… I know it’s not what you’re going to want to hear, but I’m going to be honest here, AFTH: I think dating isn’t something you should be pursuing right now. From what you’ve described about your upbringing and your last (and thus far only) relationship, I don’t think you’re in a place where being out on the dating scene would be healthy or even advisable. If anything, I think actively pursuing a relationship or being on the dating scene might make things worse for you.
This has nothing to do with any sort of “pill” philosophy, your level of experience or your worth as a person and everything to do with the fact that I think you’re carrying around a lot of pain, scars and unhealed damage that needs to be dealt with first.
I don’t believe that people have to be perfect to date, or that they have to have passed X milestones and crossed Y thresholds in order to pursue a relationship, but I do believe that people have to be in good general working order. It’s as much about protecting yourself from future harm as it is about dealing with others or just being “ready” to date.
It’s a little like an older car; you may have to turn the key in the ignition a certain way to get the engine to catch, the upholstery may be torn and frayed and it may make noises when it shifts from 2nd to 3rd gear, but it will get you where you need to go reliably and safely. If, on the other hand, the brakes were prone to slipping or the engine would cut out randomly going uphill or at certain speeds, you would, rather understandably, not want to trust it on the open road. Doing so runs the risk of causing harm – whether to you or to other drivers on the road.
Based on what you’ve said – from the fear-mongering that kept you out of the scene in your 20s and the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex – I think that there’s a lot more pain and unresolved harm going on than you may realize. While I absolutely understand your desire to find love and companionship and I completely empathize, I think that the ordinary stresses and frustrations of being on the dating scene are going to exacerbate things to an unhealthy degree.
Meeting people and putting yourself out there – whether on the apps or in person – requires a lot of vulnerability and a willingness to take on emotional risks, as well as being a headspace where you can reasonably gauge not just interest, but compatibility and safety, as well as having a grounded and accurate view of yourself and what you bring to the table. I think you are carrying around a lotmore pain and baggage than you’ve realized, especially after the abuse you’ve endured. It’s very easy to end up with a warped and twisted view of yourself and how others see you after someone’s fucked with your head and heart in such an egregious way.
And to be perfectly blunt, I would classify the abstinence only education you received as being in the same family of abuse, if not to the same degree. I find that sort of fear-focused “education” to be gross malpractice at best and frankly, I think it’s actively malignant. I can think of few messages more damaging and prone to setting people up for failure than “sex is dirty and wrong, degrades the person it’s done to and should only happen in the context of holy matrimony”.
I think the best thing you could possibly do for yourself is to take dating off the table for the moment and to focus on yourself. Specifically, I think the best possible thing you could do for yourself is to find a trauma-informed therapist, especially one who works with victims of sexual and relationship abuse, and talk with them about your struggles. If you don’t have a therapist or doctor who could give you a referral, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory that can help you find a sex-positive therapist in your area.
I realize that it may sound like I’m saying that you’re too damaged to be love, but I promise you: I’m not and you are not. I’m saying that you have been hurt, that you’ve been lied to, and that you have been set up for failure. Being given inaccurate and often deliberately false information, taught to live in fear of sex and basic human relationships and then to have your first relationship be as toxic and abusive as the one you endured… it’s going to do a number on anyone’s sense of self-worth and desirability, never mind their connection to their own sexuality.
As much as I empathize and understand what you want right now, I honestly think that you would do much better to work with a therapist to at least talk about what you’ve been through and how it’s made you feel. It’s much, much harder to connect with someone, to gauge their interest and have a strong, mutually fulfilling and satisfying healthy relationship when you’ve been hurt in the ways you have been. I think the pain you’re carrying will not only get in the way of the people you would most love to connect with, but it twists the way you see yourself and relate to yourself. And I think that the potential harms that you would experience if you were to try to go out on the dating scene now vastlyoutweigh the benefits.
I know you feel like you’re behind in life. I know you feel like time must be running out or that your window for finding a relationship is closing, if it’s not closed already. I promise you: it absolutely is not. You are in no way, shape or form too late. There is time enough for healing and time enough for love. As hard as it can be, I think putting this search on pause is going to be the kindest but also bravest thing you can do right now, because you’ll be working on your relationship with yourself – your past, your present and most importantly – your future self.
I promise you: love will be ready and waiting for you when you are ready. But first, you need to heal.
All will be well.
