Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
Hey Doc,
Thank you for your help last time I wrote in. Two years later, I’ve been happily in a relationship for quite some time now and I’ve found that I’m in my happy place in a dedicated, steady relationship.
I’m writing in though, so of course, there’s a “but.” She’s poly, I’m (probably) monogamous. That’s a pretty big difference to navigate, I know, and not one with a ton of room for compromise. But having never tried polyamory, I’ve been willing to see how this is going to feel whenever she finds another partner before I dismiss it out of hand.
One problem: we’ve spent this entire time functionally living in a monogamous relationship and I’m still waiting. I’m not racing to get any new partners (I don’t know where I’d even find the time and energy). And she hasn’t met anyone. Not even a hookup.
I get that you can’t force romance to happen, but I’ve been waiting over a year to see how this is going to shake out and the open question *does* make me hold back in the relationship. I worry what will happen if the relationship keeps progressing as it has until one day, three years from now, she gets another partner and it turns out I can’t hang with polyamory. I’d rather find the answer to this question before discovering it means getting my heart broken or having to find a new apartment in a hurry.
We talk about it from time to time, and both of our preferences seem to be rooted in this fear of losing the relationship. I prefer monogamy because I fear a situation where she finds a new partner, gets carried by the new relationship energy, and now suddenly I’m second fiddle to the new guy. She’s expressed in the past that she likes polyamory because if I suddenly fall for someone else, that doesn’t mean she’s going to get ditched for them. We both seem to have the same anxiety that we’re attacking from opposite directions.
Now, there are a few pretty big reasons why this might all just be in my head, which is why I felt the need to write. For one, she *does* have other existing partners, and nothing she does with them particularly upsets me. But when she talks about them, they sound less like active romantic partners and more like exes she’s still on good terms with. All of them are old flames, one will drop by and hang out with her once every six months for a few hours, and she’s always pretty quick to stress that they don’t have sex. And look, I’m not here to police who does and doesn’t get the partner label, but if there’s *zero* romantic or sexual attraction, that’s all it is. Not exactly the live-fire scenario I’m worried about when I picture polyamory.
For another, she’s been very clear that I’m her primary partner and she doesn’t really seem to even be looking for another one. When things were starting to get serious between us, she also made a point of deleting our dating apps, which doesn’t exactly signal she’s looking for anyone else. And she’s always been incredibly respectful with me and never given me any reason to ever distrust her, so I know there’s nothing happening behind my back either.
All signs point to the idea that she’s perfectly happy with how things are, I have nothing to worry about, and we’re just going to keep being in what I would call a monogamous relationship… except for the fact that she says she doesn’t want to be. And I believe her, so I assume that one day, that’s going to change.
So what do you think? Am I just hung up on buzzwords and bracing for a day that’ll never come? I feel like I can’t really progress this relationship any further until I see my girlfriend’s polyamory in action, but she seems almost actively disinterested in following through on it. So I’m kind of just sitting here in the middle treading water, and I’m not sure how to navigate this situation. But I also recognize that this may just be me getting worked up over nothing, this *is* her polyamory in action, and I have nothing to worry about. I’d appreciate a more experienced and nuanced perspective.
-Goldilocks in Love
I’m going to do something I don’t do very often and get a little behind-the-scenes on today’s letter. GIL wrote back not long later to say “hey, things worked out!”, saying that writing things out helped him get his thoughts organized. That, in turn, helped him talk things through with her to address his concerns, which lead to a productive discussion between the two of them and helped resolve things happily for the both of them. I’ll share how things worked out for him after my reply.
Now, the reason why I’m still running this letter for the same reason why I will occasionally run a letter I firmly believe to be fake: because most of the time, the advice is as much for people in similar circumstances as it is for the person writing in. If there’s something that could be helpful for the readers as much as the letter writer, then that’s a net positive for everyone.
And to be perfectly honest; GIL’s situation isn’t unusual or uncommon, especially for folks who are either exploring polyamory and ethical non-monogamy for the first time or for someone who’s partner has expressed interest in opening up the relationship.
So, turning things back to the letter: one of the most frequently recurring issues that I see in discussions about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy is the potential threat to the current relationship. That is, the person who isn’t – or may not be – poly fears opening up the relationship because of what may happen. The “what” tends to vary, ranging from “I don’t know how I will feel when my partner starts dating” to “I’m afraid this will destroy our relationship”.
Now to be clear: these aren’t unreasonable or unfounded worries! It’s not just a case of “your feelings are real and valid”, but “yeah, there’s a non-zero chance that these negative situations could occur.” In fact, many times, there’s a bigger issue in how those fears get dismissed or disregarded.
The problem is that these fears come up, in part because of how we regard monogamy vs. non-monogamy. Non-monogamy makes those fears and worries feel more present and immediate because of how the relationship model directly challenges the myth of monogamy. We treat monogamy almost like a magic shield, where all the fears people have about non-monogamy couldn’t exist in a closed relationship. But the fact of the matter is that people get jealous of their partner’s other emotional or social connections in closed relationships. Partners cheat, catch feelings for other people and leave to be with someone else, even when they’ve made a firm monogamous commitment. The only difference, possibly the most important one, is that in a closed relationship, people feel like they have permission to be upset or bothered by this. In an open relationship, there’s almost a sense of “well, you knew what you were signing up for, so suck it up, buttercup.”
That’s not true, but it is part of the cultural conditioning that comes with the cultural that monogamy is natural, superior and that we are all capable of executing it perfectly and effortlessly. Monogamy doesn’t fail people, people fail monogamy.
Needless to say, this doesn’t make for a productive place to actually deal with those worries. Behaving as though this wouldn’t be a problem if you just did $INSERT_RELATIONSHIP_MODEL_HERE correctly is a great way to blow up a relationship before you so much as see a storm cloud on the horizon.
The best way to deal with situations like this isn’t default to keeping the relationship closed until the wary partner is reassured, nor is it to say “damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead to relationship anarchy”. It’s to dig into what’s actually behind those fears and address the cause, rather than the symptom. So, the first real step to resolving these worries is to understand precisely what the person feeling anxious is afraid will happen.
Most often, the issue is one of jealousy – the fear that someone else will be taking something away from the partner experiencing it. But even just stopping at jealousy and assuming that’s the root cause can be short-sighted. Jealousy doesn’t just spring up out of a sense of “someone touched my stuff!”; it tends to come from other emotional issues, fears or past experiences. Jealousy, after all, tends to be the emotional equivalent of a “check engine” light; it’s an indication that there may be a need that’s not being met. To deal with jealousy, you first have to address the cause – that trigger or unmet need.
Someone with an insecure or anxious attachment style, for example, may feel jealousy because they have never felt like they could trust that the people that love them won’t abandon them. They worry that their partner will stop caring for them, in part because they’ve experienced inconsistent care and love in the past. In cases like that, trying to explain that love isn’t a zero-sum game is unhelpful, because it’s not a case of “I feel like your loving someone else will mean less love for me”, it’s a case of “the people I love arbitrarily stop loving me”. It’s not a case of getting less pie, it’s about getting a slice of pie and then having it yanked back with no warning, and seemingly no reason.
You can’t exactly resolve this fear by saying “don’t worry, this won’t happen.” After all, from the perspective of the person experiencing jealousy, it’s not theoretical. It has happened before. It may not have played out the way they remember or experienced it – our emotions color and edit our memories, after all – but it sure as hell feels like it did. So saying “don’t worry, it won’t go down like that” doesn’t help, because that feels like a lie at best.
Now, another core part about what makes fear and anxiety, well… fear and anxiety… is the feeling of uncertainty. Not just not knowing whether it’s going to happen, but also the idea of not knowing that to do about it if and when it does. People, as a general rule, don’t like feeling out of control. It makes them feel helpless and powerless, at the mercy to the cruel vicissitudes of fate. The fear becomes a matter of “if this happens, then the Bad Ending will definitely happen, because nothing can stop it”.
The antidote to this anxiety is simple: rather than downplaying the possibility that Bad Things will happen, address the feeling of helplessness. It’s to give the person feeling that fear a sense of agency and control in the event that this comes to pass. If someone feels that they have the tools to handle the situation, they feel that they have actual influence over the outcome. So, while the event may still be deeply unpleasant, it doesn’t feel like an inevitable “game over”.
So my advice to people in GIL’s position – or in the position of GIL’s partner – is to have An Awkward Conversation about how they feel and what they’re worried about. The goal should first be to express what they’re afraid of happening and why they’re afraid of it. Not just “I’m afraid that you’re going to get caught up in the NRE of it and I get downgraded to secondary”, but why you worry about this. Is it, for example, feeling like you don’t have enough inherent value or worth that you would be a priority in your partner’s life? Is it a fear that their love and affection is conditional, temporary or, worse, a mistake?
Once you have an idea of the why of it, the next step is to discuss how you will deal with this problem when it happens. Discuss what, in an ideal world, would be the way to help ease your fear. If you’re afraid that your partner is going to leave you because they’re twitterpated over someone new, then what are the things that they can do to help you realize that this isn’t happening? Would it help, for example, for your partner to make a point of giving you a little more care and affection? Or would reserving a particular night or occasion for the two of you help you feel more secure in your relationship together? How could your partner demonstrate love in a way that you can both recognize and receive?
Knowing your receiving “love language” is key here, because it helps ensure that their reassurance comes in a form that you will see as reassurance. Do you respond more effectively to words of validation or affirmation? To quality time together? To physical affection and touch? The more you can guide them to the best way to reach you, the easier it will be when you have these moments.
Similarly, how can you signal to your partner that you’re having these feelings? What is a simple and easily-understood way you can indicate that you need them to love you a little louder? Is there a code word that you could use? Arranging a signal or sign in advance that you can easily put into practice can be reassuring in and of itself. Simply knowing you have a way of asking for help when you need it can ease the anxiety, even if you never actually use it.
Please note very carefully that I don’t use a conditional here; it’s not “if”, it’s “when” this comes up. Conditionals exist on the ideas that the thing you fear won’t happen, which isn’t actually reassuring. It risks the possibility that you won’t ask for help when you need it, because you feel like your asking for it would imply that you’re irrational or absurd for feeling this way. “When”, on the other hand, means that you have the tools at hand and you’re ready for this situation.
I also recommend “when”, because it puts the emphasis on the feeling, rather than on the thing you fear. It’s not “when you inevitably leave me for your new partner”, it’s “when I feel the fear that you will inevitably leave me”. Shifting this focus puts the attention on the worry, a reminder that feels are not reals. A feeling is just that, a feeling, not prophecy or a state of being. The thing you feel isn’t necessarily happening, it’s just what you’re afraid is happening. The fear is not the event, it’s just fear, and fear can be managed, diminished and ultimately dispelled.
Now, there’re a lot of people who feel like having these contingencies in place make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Much like asking for a pre-nup, having plans for “what if this happens” can feel as though you’re saying it will happen – that you don’t have faith either in your partner, yourself or your relationship. But what this actually is saying is that you recognize the challenges and the potential pitfalls; much like home insurance, it’s something you put into place, not because you expect to need it, but because it means that if the worst happens, you’re ready. You’re not expecting failure or predicting failure, you’re putting a lesser effort in now in order to ensure that you don’t have to expend far more later on – effort and resources that you may not have and their lack could lead to worse outcomes.
The last thing I will suggest, especially if neither of you have experience in ENM or poly relationships, is to do your due diligence and research. While you can’t know how you will react or feel before it happens, having a roadmap of what you may encounter, the likely hazards, how to avoid them, how to manage them and the vocabulary to express yourselves is invaluable. There’re are a number of resources out there, especially as polyamory and ENM gain wider acceptance; personally I recommend Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, Dr. Liz Powell’s Building Open Relationships and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardey’s The Ethical Slut.
(And as always, full disclosure: Dr. Liz is a friend and frequent collaborator of mine.)
So, if you’re in a position similar to GIL here, do your homework and make a point to talk it out. Set aside time to have the first of an ongoing series of discussions with your partner, lay out what you’re worried about and the ways you think would help you handle them. Let your partner share their feelings and suggestions too; a relationship is a collaborative partnership after all. You both may experience the fear or anxiety individually, but you’re in the relationship together. Solve it as a team and you make the team stronger.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
Sorry to keep hitting up your inbox, but I wanted to offer an update that might save you a bit of work.
(Doctor’s note: too late!)
Tl;dr, I happened to discuss the exact topic I wrote in about with my partner over the holidays, we had a great discussion, and I feel like the matter is more or less resolved and I no longer require advice. Though if you think it would be edifying for others to discuss it, feel free.
The process of writing in had already done a lot to organize my thoughts and the topic happened to come up. So we just talked through it, and it really was that simple.
I wrote a lot about not being sure how much my concerns were valid and how much they were all in my head, specifically that I didn’t know if I *was* already seeing “my girlfriend’s polyamory in action.” And the short of the discussion is that that was exactly it: My girlfriend was already operating exactly how she wanted/planned to, she’s not really hunting for another partner, I’m her one and only primary partner, and that’s not really at risk of ever changing.
While I’m still a bit puzzled by how exactly my girlfriend’s version of polyamory works, I’m at least confident that what I’m seeing is what I’m getting. And I’m enjoying the relationship as it currently exists, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about anymore.
I’m moving forward much more comfortable with the relationship and I no longer think I need to fear a far-off day when suddenly the entire relationship changes because she found someone new. Thankfully, it all had a happy ending!
-Goldilocks in Love
For the record, GIL: you did precisely what I would have advised, so hey, well done! I’m glad you resolved things before I even had a chance to respond.
I will say that your girlfriend’s version of polyamory isn’t really mysterious or strange; she’s aware of her capacity for attraction and love for more than one person at a time, and wants to make space for that possibility without endangering your relationship. Someone can be poly, even when they’re only dating – and only want to date – one person at present. She’s not actively looking for another partner or even necessarily wants one, but wants structures in place in the event that it does become an issue. While it can seem a little premature, having systems and structures in place are a good idea. As with many forms of preparedness, better to have things in place and not need them, than to need them and not have them.
The only thing I will suggest is that you should still do the readings I suggested. As a wise man once said: knowing is half the battle.
Otherwise, I wish you both all the happiness going forward.
Good luck.
