In Boston, we paraphrase with a bit more color and grit. Ask us to recite that famous Breakfast Club Quote, and we’ll likely say, “F*** with the bull, you get the horns.” First, you have the clearly conspiring weasels with Hall of Fame votes. Now, you have 48 ESPN “Football Experts” picking the Seahawks to win, to 10—I repeat 10—picking the Patriots, as if our boys were Division III, 21-point underdogs.
You want to get nuts, Patriots Haters? Let’s get nuts.
Go ahead and place your hand to your chest and gasp as if you’re appalled. Massholes aren’t buying it. Bill Belichick doesn’t get into the Hall of Fame? “Uh! I never liked the guy, but that’s ridiculous!” Now word comes down that Robert Kraft isn’t in either. “Poor, Robert. What else does he have to do?” Deep down, you’re snickering. You love it. You’re the rat who got your ass beat fair and square in a fight you picked, and ran to the office to tell the principal.
The disrespect is gross. The 70’s Steelers and their cute little dynasty have 12 members who are inducted into the Hall of Fame. 10 players, a coach, and an owner. The Patriots—who currently own the title of Greatest Dynasty in all of sports by any rational person with a brain— have, no, three – sort of.
Ty Law. Richard Seymour. And now Adam Vinatieri, who spent four more seasons with the Colts than the Patriots. End of list. (I’m not counting players who had a cup of coffee with the team for a year or two.) Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski will wear the gaudy yellow coats in year two of eligibility because of this envious plague infecting voters. However, no Rodney Harrison, no Willie McGinest, no Vince Wilfork, no Julian Edelman. All winners who were crucial to the Patriots’ reign of terror and bountiful trophy collection.
Bunch of resentful babies. And now… our Patriots are hiding in a San Francisco side street, waiting to ring the bell for round two with you after school. You claim you don’t loathe this Patriots team like you did from 2000 to 2020?
Sports analysts and the common folk outside of New England are getting asked if they still hate the Patriots. “Not really. That had more to do with Brady and Belichick fatigue and the cheating.” What a joke. People are now trying to state their case that they were never really jealous of us during those years. They just didn’t approve of how we won.
It’s adorable that they’re acting like this version of the Patriots doesn’t bother them as much. Anything to not look like a sore loser. Deep in the depths of their souls, this Sunday, they will be rooting for our Patriots to fall flat on their ass and crawl back into irrelevancy where they hibernated for the past 5 years, so they don’t have to fear the Boogyman again. As Scott Zolak would say, “Their worst nightmare.”
I know this because I live in Florida. Surrounded by friends I’m close with who are fans of other teams. They know me well enough that they don’t hold back like these other phonies. They give it to me straight, and they are absolutely disgusted that the Patriots are already back in the Super Bowl, and have another potential all-time quarterback who’s practically still in diapers.
DIS… gusted. Don’t let these frauds hiding their rage fool you.
Their tears stopped when Brady skipped town, and Belichick lost his fastball along with his marbles. (Joe Judge and Matt bleeping Patricia. Yikes) Then the chuckles came. “Ah haaaaaaa! Welcome back to the basement, Patriots Nation! Have fun mingling with the Jets and Browns for high draft picks.”
Now, we’re back. Already. Get your cups out, Patriots fans. Because when our boys win Super Bowl LX, the savory, delectable tears will flow, and our cups will runneth full, and we will be drunk with championship bliss and refueled with their intoxicating hate that felt so good flowing through our veins for so many years.
It’s too late for the rest of the NFL. Forces have collided. A volcano met a tornado. Drake Maye and Mike Vrabel, wreaking havoc on the league for many years to come. Karma, baby, for messing with the bull.
In case you haven’t heard, there’s a big game Sunday. Time to lock fingers with these twerps for a game of Mercy. Drop them to their knees, squeeze harder. And when they cry “Mercy!”, sweep that mother-bleeping leg. Because fear does not exist in this Patriots dojo. Pain, does not exist in this Patriots Dojo. Defeat, does not exist in this Patriots dojo. We show no mercy. We strike first. We strike hard. And now the joints in their fingers, and their fragile football psyche, are about to snap as they shout, “Mercy!” again.
They’re Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid, butting in on Johnny Lawrence when he’s trying to kiss and make up with his girlfriend. They couldn’t leave well enough alone, and now, this Sunday, February 8th. 2026, the New England Patriots are going to eat the souls of all who damned them for years just because they worked harder and were simply better than their team.
That’s a fact. They won because, year in and year out, Brady and Belichick put more into football than anyone else. And the rest of the Patriots’ players and coaches followed their lead. They… out… worked… your… team.
Since the turn of the Century, the players and coaches in our franchise gave literal blood, sweat, and tears. You want to paint us as the villain? Bring it. We’re used to it. We’ll add it to the rest of our badges of honor from your past whining and allegations from you sad, sore losers, and your pathetic franchises. The Patriots were better than your team for two decades. And guess what, Poltergeist Vrabel and his staff? “They’re here!” Is that really Drake Maye, or is that Jack Nicholson telling the other 31 teams, “Here’s Johnny!”
Unfortunately for everyone else… Vrabel and Maye look like they have the mettle to pick up that torch of endless hard work and bear the responsibility that comes with it. I’d love to tell the Patriots Haters that it’s going to “Be okay.” But it’s not. It’s gonna hurt. For a long time.
Every story sucks without a good villain. Thanos. Heath Ledger’s Joker. Vader. Johnny Lawrence. I’m game to be the bad guy again, just like the rest of our fanbase. And I’m sure Vrabel, Maye, and the rest of the Warriors are as well. Hate us… because you ain’t us… AGAIN! Queue the villain laugh: “Muah, ah, ah!” Bring a case of tears to your Patriots Super Bowl party this weekend, because you’ll be toasting our Warriors. Because in New England, we all we got. We all we need.
Let’s go, Pats fan. Let’s F****** GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
