Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I feel like I have hit the in-law jackpot. His parents are chill and nerdy and I love spending time with them, his brother and sister and their significant others are people I would love to hang out with as friends even if my boyfriend weren’t around, and all the various aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins are awesome people, too. There was one Massive Asshole Relative, but the moment Massive Asshole Relative pulled an asshole move on my boyfriend, everyone else stopped inviting them to family events (BF’s sister even un-invited them from her wedding.) Also, I am a pretty extreme introvert, and probably also autistic, and not only do people not *mind* me ducking out or going for a walk when I get overstimulated, but they also (completely of their own initiative!) started making sure that I get the extra-quiet room and have down time built into our visits. BF really cultivates his relationships with these people, so we spend a lot of time on the phone with them, or traveling to see them, or hanging out.
Anyway, my question for you, Dr. NerdLove– what is my role in all this supposed to look like? I come from a pretty dysfunctional family, where most of my relatives have varying degrees of untreated anxiety, OCD, and/or bipolar disorder, and most of the time it feels like I don’t have relationships with people so much as mental illnesses. Most of the time I have to elide my own needs or even overlook reality in order for these relationships not to completely blow up. My time with his family is completely the opposite. For instance, last week, BF’s dad, who is a Car Dad, let me come up and visit for a few days so we can check out a used car together, and then, once I bought it, going to the car parts store with me and helping me make some minor repairs. We don’t even speak the same language! I’ve learned his language well enough to make small talk but he doesn’t really speak English, and most of the time we figured everything out by, like, pointing at things. I had the nicest time and apparently he was happily telling all of his relatives about this afterwards.
But when it comes to my side of things, I have, like…no script. What am I supposed to do? Just, like, keep showing up and enjoying myself? Bring gifts? Call them occasionally? I know I could help out more, but I spend a lot of time at family events hiding so I don’t get overwhelmed (see above). My boyfriend says that they all really like me, that I am by far their favorite among all the girlfriends/boyfriends he’s had, so I am clearly doing something right, but I keep being afraid there’s some Great and Secret Knowledge that I don’t have that I’m eventually going to run afoul of.
Help?
Car Daughter-In-Law Seeks Car Dad
So your boyfriend’s think you’re great, understand your needs and do their best to accommodate them and treat you like a member of the family? This is what we in the advice business call “a quality problem to have”, CDILSCD.
But I understand your worry; there’s a special curse of seeing people treat you well and focusing on the worry that either it’s going to come to an end or that you’re going to screw it up somehow. There’s no logical reason for it, but that’s the problem. Anxiety doesn’t follow logic. That’s why we call it anxiety.
It sounds to me as though you’ve grown up in a situation where you feel as though you have to “earn” the right to be treated with kindness or consideration – that people won’t love or care for you unless you are useful, rather than just for being you. Running into people who do precisely that – who love you because of who you are – can feel uncomfortable because you’re so unused to it. It’s a little like being a feral cat who’s been brought inside – they want affection and comfort but they’ve spent their lives in a constant state of stress and their nervous system is so keyed up that they can’t accept it.
Yet.
The thing is, those feral cats, once they’ve had enough time, start to realize they can trust the humans who’ve taken them in and can slowly, carefully, start to step down from red alert. It takes time and patience on the part of the humans, but it does happen, especially with consistent care and giving the little beast space to let itself feel safe.
So it is with you. I think, over time, you’ll find that it becomes easier to accept that your boyfriend’s family are just nice and genuinely like you, that there’s nothing to worry about.
But hey, “just wait it out, it’ll be ok” doesn’t do a lot for soothing those nerves. So what I would suggest is very simple: ease the anxiety, not by being “useful” or “earning” your good treatment, but by returning their kindness and consideration, simply because you care for them, too.
Now, I’d point out that you’ve already shown that you care and that you’ve put in effort towards your relationship with them. The fact that you’ve learned enough of your boyfriend’s father’s language to make small talk? That’s actually pretty damn cool of you, and I really suspect that he’s touched by that. You have been taking steps to bridge a communication gap, which means you care enough to be able to communicate. And to do it unilaterally, without prompting? That conveys that you care enough about your relationship with his family to put in this effort – effort that, from the sounds of things, they would insist that you didn’t need to! That alone is going to earn you a lot of points in their book.
But I’m willing to bet that if you felt there were some things that you could choose to do for them, that would help ease your worry. It would give a greater sense of deliberate effort and agency, something you’ve made a decision to do rather than “well, of course I would do this, because anyone would or should.”
Even if, y’know… a lot of folks wouldn’t or just don’t.
And I think this will feel easier for you if you have some loose guidelines to follow that will give a little structure to the way you can return their kindness.
There’s a paradox in hospitality; the good host wants to ensure that their guest wants for nothing, while the good guest wants to ensure that they need very little, so their host isn’t inconvenienced by their presence. But rather than repress a need, one way to resolve the paradox is an equitable exchange – to ensure that your presence isn’t a burden on your host by taking up something to make their lives a little easier. One of the ways you can be a good guest is to find ways to fit into the family dynamic and routine as best as you can – allowing for your limits and needs. In this case, they’re treating you like family, so how would you be able to contribute as a family member?
If you can, for example, find ways to help out around the house when you’re staying with them, that would almost certainly be appreciated. Helping with daily chores like cleaning or washing dishes can be a small thing, but it’s a way of contributing and giving back. Could you give family members a ride when needed, or go with them on errands? Not only would an extra pair of hands be helpful, but it’s an opportunity to hang out and talk with them in ways you might not be able to if there’s a lot of hustle and bustle going on at home. Knowing that you’ve had a chance to talk and bond at these other times can help ease any worries when you have to dip back to your room for an introvert break and recharge.
Similarly, if there are things that you could do that would be nice for them or that would make life a little easier or more convenient, that would likewise be a kindness in exchange for the kindness they’ve given you. Maybe there are little headaches that you can resolve for them – tech or household issues that you can deal with, for example. Or there may be an opportunity to cook a meal for them and show your affection that way.
I would also recommend opting to spend time with them when and where you can, and get to know them. This doesn’t seem like much – as you’ve said, you would be friends with your boyfriend’s siblings and cousins, even if you weren’t dating him. But simply showing interest in folks, wanting to know more about who they are, what they’re about and what makes them tick? Asking for stories or opinions, wanting to hear about their experiences and histories… these are gifts. The idea of “we love to talk about nothing as much as ourselves” sounds self-centered, but it’s true, and it’s not very often that we encounter people who want to hear what we have to say. So giving them that opportunity is a prize, and a rare one at that. It’s a quiet way of saying “I think you’re interesting and special and I value you,” and I think they would all be touched by it. Even if it’s just a calling to say “hi” or asking if you can say “hello” when your boyfriend calls them will go a long, long way to balancing their generosity towards you… even if it’s not something they see as needing to be balanced.
But I think you should keep in mind is that sometimes the best way to pay someone back when they’re being kind to you is… let them be kind to you. There are a lot of people who simply like being able to do things for people – such as, say, helping you with buying a used car, making those minor repairs and so on. It lets them feel useful and helpful and they enjoy it. Plus, doing things with them is a great way of bonding; shared activities and interests bring people closer. And if your boyfriend’s father feels like he’s had a chance to teach you about some useful things? That’s going to feel great! It’s like the easiest win-win scenario imaginable; you both come out feeling like you got the better end of the deal.
But I think one of the best things you could do is simply make sure that they know that you appreciate them and what they’ve done for you. I know “kindness is its own reward” is a cliché and all, but expressing gratitude for that kindness never goes wrong. “You’re doing X, Y and Z for me and I really appreciate it” seems like a small thing but folks do like hearing their effort has been noticed and that it’s helpful. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t feel pleased to know that they have been able to do a nice and kind thing for another person, especially someone who’s become important to them and their loved ones.
All of which is to say: I don’t think you need to worry, because you’re already doing more than you think. But finding ways to give back, express affection and to let them know you appreciate the effort they’ve made on your behalf will help calm the annoying little anxiety weasels when they start to get rowdy.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove: I (35f) have a friend (28m) who became my best friend and we got so close and there is this amazing connection for me even though he is married and I had been in a relationship for 19 years. However, we crossed a line and I don’t know how to get over him. We were planning an us and being together. I feel like I gave up everything for him but in the end, it feels like I was just used by my best friend. I wanna get over him because he means so much to me and is so important but idk how to.
Where Do I Go From Here?
This is one of those times where I wish you had included more detail, WDIGFH, because this is a case where details make a pretty big difference. It seems pretty clear that this was a friendship that became more… but how it crossed the line and why you feel used really affect what your next steps should be.
Now I realize that your letter doesn’t give us much in terms of your specific situation to work with. But there’re aspects that are pretty universal – feeling lost, like you’ve made a mistake, and wondering just how you can move forward and what you’re going to have to do if you want to have any hope of salvaging one or all of these relationships… or if that’s even possible.
So without trying to fill in too many gaps with speculation instead of facts, here’s what I will suggest.
Start with taking stock of your feelings. Yes, you feel hurt and lost, and it seems pretty clear that you feel like you made sacrifices that weren’t appreciated or reciprocated. But can you put your finger on the particular whys and what of how you feel – the precise shape and texture of these feelings? Do you feel, for example, that you were deliberately mislead, or do you feel like you let yourself get out over your skis? Are you feeling betrayed – that he did you wrong – or are you feeling foolish – that you should have known better? Do you feel like you saw things that weren’t there, or do you feel like he took advantage of your relationship and exploited it? Or maybe it’s a bit of both; you’re feeling like you were tricked and you should have caught that he was trying to trick you?
Similarly, does this feel like a sudden surprise, or something that was both long-in-coming and possibly inevitable? Does it feel like something neither of you could have accounted for, or was it a deliberate rug-pull? Does it feel like they were never going to go through with any of the promises they made, or that someone backed down or away at the last second? Do you feel that your friend was saying what you wanted to hear just so he could get whatever it was he wanted, or does it feel like he was sincere, but then everything fell apart? Does it feel like someone changed their mind, were incentivized to do so, or perhaps that there was an imbalance in feeling somewhere along the way?
I realize these all sound like distinctions without a difference, but getting a better sense of precisely what you’re feeling and why is incredibly helpful, because it shapes what you’re going to need to move forward. A big part of redemption, closure and making amends means understanding and recognizing what you’re seeking these things for.
If you feel like you had been led on and betrayed by someone who simply sought to use you, then part of the answer to how to move on is to understand how you were misled, so you can recognize why it worked and not get fooled in the future. If, on the other hand, you feel like this was you falling harder for someone than they fell for you, then you can have greater clarity in hindsight about the signs you missed and how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. If you feel like you were an equal party in how things went down, knowing the four corners of your involvement is going to be important for how you may seek to make amends or what you’re asking forgiveness for and why. It also will make a big difference in what sort of relationship you’re going to have with your friend going forward, if any, and under what circumstances.
It also helps to see what other factors lead to the fateful choices that brought you here. Were you feeling something for your friend that was lacking in your relationship? Was there a need that was going unmet that this friendship was filling? Was it a matter of reciprocation – the way he behaved made you feel a particular way, so you were grooving on what his feelings were bringing out in you? Was the thrill of this relationship intoxicating to the point that you ended up throwing caution to the wind?
Here’s the thing: what’s done is done and it can’t be undone. Time only moves in one direction and we have to move with it. You can’t make whatever happened unhappen. The most you can do is understand it, recognize your part in it and try to learn from it so that you don’t repeat this in the future. Taking responsibility and owning your actions is going to be important. Making sure that you’re only taking responsibility for your actions is important too; it’s easy to feel like you are guilty for things that weren’t actually on you, especially if you were manipulated or mislead by someone who wasn’t acting in good faith. It doesn’t do any good to take on guilt that’s just being offloaded by someone else who doesn’t want to own his side of things.
So make sure you’re firm on what you’re feeling and why. Do your best to understand how you got here, why you made these decisions and why this was a mistake. Do your best to be clear on what is on you and what is on them. Apologize where you can, with the understanding that the people you hurt may not accept your apology and are under no obligation to do so. Make amends where you can and be mindful of where trying to do so might cause more harm than good. Be conscious of how this happened so that you can resolve not to make these mistakes in the future.
And do your best to forgive yourself. As much as you may want to kick your own ass or however much you feel you fucked up, part of moving on is being willing to forgive yourself so that you can do better in the future. Even if the thing you need to forgive yourself for is ultimately loving not wisely but too well.
Good luck.
