Estimated reading time: 18 minutes
I need help with building relationships with women and overcoming past trauma. I posted here July 11th 2025, women passing me up for inferior men.
I’m still having the same problem and wanted more help.
My story is sad. I’m 34 male and never dated. I got into habit from early age of seeing escorts. Started at age 18 out of curiosity and became a long-term habit.
I am a brown man but only sexually attracted to white women. All my life I had sex with white escorts and one sugar baby (over 100 since the age of 18). What is annoying is some of them found me very attractive due to my muscles.
I’m 6ft tall and very muscular from lifting weights all my life for the last 17 years. I have 18 inch arms, 20 inch muscular neck, very broad muscular shoulders, etc.
I think I avoided dating all my life as I was into the habit of seeing hookers. Despite being tall and very muscular I don’t get results on dating apps I think due to my race. I believe if I was white I would be swimming in matches there.
I don’t socialise, I work from home trading markets which is isolating and alienating and not the best for mental health. Long term isolation can certainly cause mental health issues.
Only go out to go to the gym, supermarket, see an escort, restaurants, or go for a walk.
Been this way for years and years. All this isolation and my life experiences and feeling completely excluded from ever dating led me to have extreme hatred of women.
I was exposed from the age of 8 to internet porn which is probably what initially led me to view women as sexual objects. Then I was exposed to sexualised music videos like Britney Spears, pussycat dolls, Christina Aguilera etc.
Men gravitate to me as I have masculine traits and am very muscular so they respect me. When it comes to women I guess I just view them as sexual objects and have deep hatred and resentment of them. Never really socialise with them even when I was in school.
I believe my early exposure to porn led to some sexually deviant behaviours like at school I would follow girls with nice asses and enjoy the view. This then later progressed to taking candid videos of girls asses in public for sexual gratification. These behaviours brought about a lot of shame but I believe these deviant behaviours stemmed from my early childhood experiences with porn and sexualised media of women.
I would like to get into a relationship in the future with a younger attractive white woman. But I think I would only want a relationship for the social status and regular sex. I would likely be very abusive emotionally and even physically.
I score high in dark triad traits – narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy. This whole women and relationship issue really causes me a lot of mental turmoil and affects my mental health most days.
It holds me back in life as this issue takes up a lot of my mental energy and attention. I can definitely see how men like George Sodini did what he did and I do sympathise with him. The decline in mental health from this type of issue not being resolved can lead to bad outcomes.
In the case of George Sodini, he was an older good-looking man that looked like an older version of Henry Cavill but he became obsessed with younger girls.
I too am very attracted to younger girl from 18-25, although I’m also attracted to women up to the age of 35.
Women unfortunately have no idea of men’s mental health struggles as they don’t need to do anything to get men. Even women that are really ugly can get into relationships easily.
Need help in how to improve this situation and heal all these emotional wounds.
I think my level of extreme narcissism makes it very hard to transcend my ego. I have read lots of books and one thing stood out to me.
It is that love is not found outside, it is found inside. Love is not found, it is freed from within. The love force comes from the fourth chakra (heart centre).
In order to access this fourth chakra you have to transcend your ego. So people that score high in dark triad like me will find it very hard to access this fourth chakra and therefore love force inside them is low.
If you have very little love force inside you will go outside and possess people in some way. This is coincidentally what others with dark triad traits do like Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, Andrew Tate do.
They have little love inside so possess others. Having sex with lots of people and seeing women as just sexual objects and conquests can be a form of possession.
On the extreme end serial killers and rapists so score high in dark triad and they use far more harmful things like rape and murder to possess people.
So I learnt that in order to have more love force inside me I need to try and transcend my ego and get rid of the internal blockages that are blocking the love inside.
Then I can share love with others and give rather than take. This is very hard for someone like me with extreme narcissism and sociopathy to do
So I need help really with how best I can do this, how I can alter my negative views of women as well so that I can succeed in future with healthy relationships with women I am attracted to.
Thanks, I would appreciate the help.
Whole Life Detox
It’s admirable that you recognize that you recognize that you have a problem and that you want to fix it, just as it’s admirable to recognize that the problem is you and that you need to change. These are all very good things, and it’s a good start to your journey of trying to change your life for the better.
I say this because I want to acknowledge up front that I think you’re sincere in wanting to be better. That’s going to be important because what’s going to come next is not going to be pleasant. And I say this in no small part because you seem to have paid absolutely no attention to what I told you last time.
While I do think you want to change and remove those internal blockages, I don’t think you actually have reckoned with what those blockages are, nor have you really accepted your responsibility for them. I think you are at a stage where you feel like you can strip out the parts that are supposedly keeping you from love, but without doing the real, deep and often ugly shadow work that’s necessary. You’re using a lot of the passive voice in your letter and a lot of pointing at external reasons for what’s ultimately an internal problem. You’re spreading a lot of blame around, but you’re not actually taking ownership of the fact that, outside influences or not, that your actions are the results of choices you’ve made.
One of the things I’ve noticed is that you’ve pointed at issues that you think are the problem, even call out people who promote some of the things you believe, but while also still accepting much of it as being valid.
The most obvious example is regarding race. Now, I’m a straight white man, and I’m obviously not going to have the same perspective and insight on racism’s effects as someone who is subject to racist beliefs, behaviors and cultural norms, so my advice should come with that in mind. There’ll be things I miss that may be screamingly obvious to South Asian people. With that in mind… it seems to me like there’s some internalized racism going on here that you haven’t reckoned with.
I mean, you aren’t wrong that your race is almost certainly affecting your matches on dating apps. There is a lot of structural racism in society, full stop, and that directly affects how we are taught to perceive people of various races. South and East Asian men get hit with a whole range of stereotypes, including model minority stereotypes that often tend to be emasculating and desexualizing. It’s similar, in the inverse, to how Passport Bros and red-pillers think that East Asian women are more submissive and “appreciate white men more” – and originates from the same racist beliefs about people in and from the global south.
By that same token, dating apps are rather infamous for having race problems – black women and Asian men’s experiences on dating apps are awful – and the design of the apps themselves make it much easier to focus one’s search to incredibly granular degrees. Even someone who isn’t consciously racist can still be affected by the cultural programming and have it come out in what races they’re willing to consider as matches.
But at the same time, it doesn’t seem as though you’re recognizing how much of that you’ve taken on board with your exclusive pursuit of white women. It’s easy to say that porn “programmed” you to want this, but stopping the thought there doesn’t actually address the full issue. It’s going to be important to be asking yourself why you’re exclusively interested in dating white women, why they’re the only people you find attractive and why you’re not interested in others? What makes them the better option? What is it about women of other races – Asian, Latin, African, MENA, Persian, etc. – that is less desirable to you? How much of this are you blaming on porn and how much of this is about status or proving a point about your desirability? Is it just that you imprinted on white women like a duckling at an early age, or is it wanting to be the kind of guy who can get (and yes, I use that term deliberately) white women?
And, bearing in mind your complaint that your race is causing women to ignore you, why are you hoping for grace from others that you’re not willing to extend yourself?
Another, related issue, is how you acknowledge your beliefs and attitudes are toxic but still hold onto, advocate or even brag about other aspects of yourself that conform to those toxic beliefs. You make a big point about being tall and muscular and how you believe that these would make you more appealing to women… but the only people who seem to respond to you because of your physique are other men. I hate to tell you this but this is in no small part because the look you’ve been cultivating is one that appeals to men; it’s not just one that conforms to male ideas of significance and power but one designed to appeal to the male gaze. Like the whole “looksmaxxing” thing, it’s very centered around an aesthetic born out of the gay party circuit scene, not a universal female fantasy.
(And as an aside: my guy, you really need to learn the lesson of The Stripper Doesn’t Like You. You may be frustrated that some of the escorts you visited complimented your muscles, but part of the whole arrangement is that they’re gonna be stroking your ego as much as your other bits. They may or may not sincerely find it appealing, but those compliments are part of the service you are paying for.)
Similarly, you don’t seem to recognize that your beliefs about women – specifically “Women unfortunately have no idea of men’s mental health struggles as they don’t need to do anything to get men. Even women that are really ugly can get into relationships easily.” – is as much a product of the toxicity you’re complaining about as the rest. There’s no better tell that says what spaces you spend your time in and no better indication that you have no contact with women than a statement so cliché that it’s almost banal in its ubiquity in incel and manosphere circles. It’s the definition of “tell me you never actually talk to women without telling me you never actually talk to women”. It’s both stunning in its ignorance and the obviousness of how false it is. Shit, even a glance at the magazine rack at your local supermarket checkout will show dozens upon dozens of articles aimed to help women finally land a relationship.
Also, the idea that women “have no idea of men’s mental health struggles” is laughable in the extreme, considering how men make said struggles everybody’s problem. . Shit, any given week, there’s a deluge of “What’s Up With The Male Loneliness Crisis” and “Why Aren’t Gen-Z Men Dating?” think pieces are sitting side-by-side with “5 Tips to Finally Land a Husband” and “Girl, Here’s Why You’re In Another Situationship”.
But as I said, a lot of this is coming from the way you’re not fully reckoning with the toxicity you’re complaining about and the way you keep avoiding ownership of how you’ve ended up in this situation. This is precisely where that whole passive-voice problem comes in.
Yeah, you’ve got a problematic relationship with porn, and it may well have helped you confuse porn with reality. But the porn isn’t reaching out and forcing your hand.
Your struggles are in no small part because of your choices and you’re doing a lot of dancing around the fact that they are choices. There’s a lot of talk about how porn leads to this and sexualized culture leads to that – talking points from any number of right-wing causes that see the agency and independence of women as inherently debased and damaging to society – but not a lot of acknowledgement that you could have chosen not to do these things.
You aren’t stuck as a helpless passenger in your own body, screaming silently as you’re unable to stop your hands from moving on their own accord to film creepshots of women who’re minding their own business out in public. Those are actions you chose to take, taking agency and choice away from women and a thrill of knowing that you’ve done something that they couldn’t stop and had no say in. That wasn’t from porn and that wasn’t because you had your free will stripped away. Those were a series of choices that you’ve made, no different from the other choices that you’ve made. And it’s those choices that have led you to this. If you want to detoxify yourself, then that’s the first thing you have to accept: that you are where you are because of your actions and decisions.
You chose where you’ve been spending your time – in those misogynist communities that reinforced the toxic and racist narratives you’ve internalized and confirmed your worst self-limiting beliefs. You’ve chosen to only interact with women in the context of a consumable product, rather than as people. Your engaging sex workers is about just getting what you want with minimal investment of yourself and minimal responsibility and accountability to others. You’re not out there trying to meet women and date, or even just engage with women socially, you’re looking for things for your sexual gratification and to boost your social status.
And not to put too fine a point on it: that status you’re looking for is status among other men who hold the same beliefs as you. The people who look down on you for not being white, for struggling to find love or a relationship, who think that dating a woman of color is a step down for you, while also looking for non-white fuck-maids to service them.
But again, this is inherent on not seeing women as people. That’s the part that you don’t seem to be ready to acknowledge yet, the way you’re seeing women as consumable objects, rather than people. This ties in with frankly creepy comments about George Sodini – who shot up a gym in Collier, PA – and how you can empathize with him. Talking about how you “sympathize” with him and see how he could turn to mass-murder is a pretty strong indicator that you are at best missing the point.
This wasn’t a case of someone who was helpless before mental illness or driven to despair by some tragedy that befell him through no fault of his own. Sodini was someone who was angry at women for denying him what he thought he deserved for simply existing. He was getting revenge because he saw women as objects who refused to give him what he was owed and to force innocent strangers to “feel his pain”. Putting your focus on Sodini as a victim in all of this – even as a warning to not follow his path – really hits how you’re not getting it.
You make a lot of talk chakras and about negative personality traits and the ones you supposedly have and how “difficult” it is to “transcend your ego” because of them. But that’s not acknowledging difficulty, that’s pre-forgiving yourself for not doing so. You’re passing the buck again, blaming it on supposed personality traits that you have decided you have, since quite frankly, I’m doubting that you have actually talked to a therapist and got any sort of assessment that went deeper than an online quiz. This is another way of avoiding responsibility, putting the blame on some inherent trait that forced your hand and stacked the odds against you. And it’s one that’s inherently self-aggrandizing and self-mythologizing, turning this into a struggle between the part of you that wants to be better but is so outmatched by the forces arrayed against it. Forces that, not coincidentally, are the ones that get held up as ones that grant you status in those same communities you participate in and lionized in the people you supposedly decry as not knowing love.
But, funny thing: narcissists have free will. So do sociopaths and manipulators. They can – and do – make choices on how to behave, including in pro-social ways. Those traits aren’t what’re keeping you from changing. The issue here isn’t that you have some inherent hindrance in changing. The issue is that you’re trying very hard to not look at the things that need to change, because those things are going to be ugly. They’re going to say dark and unpleasant things about the person you’ve chosen to be. They’re going to force you to really think about what you’ve turned yourself into and why.
The part that’s going to make things hard to clear those blockages and detoxify yourself is that you’re going to have to have your nose rubbed in things that you’ve done that will force you to question whether you’re a good person or not, and in a way that isn’t actually cool. You’re not going to be Kylo Ren or some comic book antihero who struggles with his dark side in ways that make him badass. It’s going to force you to let go of the myths and stories you’ve told yourself and look at a sad, scared and pathetic person in the center. And you’re going to have to do so without going in the opposite direction of wallowing in “woe is me” and brooding about what an awful person you are. You’re going to have to grit your teeth, endure it, internalize it as a fact – not as a measure of worth – and then change.
And here’s the other part you’re not going to like: that change is going to have to be systematic. You’re going to have to give up a whole lot of comforting beliefs, a whole lot of habits and pastimes that you’ve come to rely on. This isn’t going to be a quick and easy montage, this is going to be a long process, first of un-learning and then of re-learning and correcting. You’re going to have to give up just about all the things you’ve relied on for validation and comfort – the ones that have been encouraging and promoting these beliefs, the ones who’ve been commiserating with you and supporting you in ways that you’re finally starting to recognize as being harmful. It means shutting down and excising all the content you’ve been saving and consuming – the books, the websites, the videos, all of it. It is going to have to be a complete and clean break.
And you’re going to need to be willing to do this with other people – people who you’re going to be accountable to and who will tell you that you’re lying, avoiding or backsliding. At the absolute bare minimum, you’re going to want to work with a therapist and unpack a lot of the deeper issues at play here – whether the internalized racism to the issues with self-worth and fears of intimacy and being truly open to another person.
The second worst part is that you’re going to have to let go of the people who have been telling you that this is ok, that you’re not at fault here and that it’s the world that’s fucked. The people who have been giving you comfort, even as you’ve been taking in the poison you all have been marinating in together. It’s going to be very tempting to go back to the folks telling you that it’s all ok, that it’s not that bad, that you don’t need to be so drastic or extreme. That yeah, some things need to change, but not all of it. Surely there’re some places where you can be flexible…
But the worst part? The worst part is that when you get to the other side… you’re not going to have a girlfriend or other reward waiting for you. The only reward you’re guaranteed is that you’ll have made it possible to have a true connection with someone. You’re still going to have to do the work of meeting people, putting yourself out there, finding the folks who are right for you and who you are right for. You’re going to need to build a social circle and community that supports your highest good and encourages you to live with integrity.
If you want this process to be faster and more effective? You’re going to have to start actually socializing with women – not women you’re trying to or hoping to bang, but as friends. People who you talk to and listen to, people whose interiority you acknowledge and respect. People who you treat as people, so you can let go of the sorts of bullshit like “women don’t struggle with finding relationships”. Without that empathy, compassion and understanding? You’re going to be stuck responding to the image of women that only exist in your own mind, not the ones who are right in front of you.
Like I said, I know all of this is harsh and it sounds like I’m just here to dunk on you. I’m not. I believe you want to be better, and I want you to succeed in that goal. But if you want to detox, then you have to do the unpleasant part of actually draining the poison and debriding and disinfecting the wound and cut away the infected tissue so the rest can heal.
It’s an unpleasant and painful process. But the person you can be at the end of it is going to be someone you can finally be proud of.
But you have to be the one to start it. It’s all up to you to decide what kind of man you want to be.
All will be well.
