Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
Doctor’s Note: Before we get to today’s column, I want to announce that my new podcast “Do As We Say, Not As They Did” is live. Join me and my friend and co-host Dr. Liz as we give unfiltered analysis of dating discourse, resolve romantic ructions and give honest advice taken from other people’s poor decisions. Episodes drop every other Wednesday, and you can find them on the Do As We Say YouTube channel, Spotify and everywhere you get your podcasts.
And now, your letters.
Dr. NerdLove,
I really need advice as I cannot figure out how to move forward in my relationship, or if maybe I’m just overreacting. This is my first relationship and I’m really confused on what to do.
After more than a year together, my boyfriend and I are planning to move in together with his brother in a couple of months. Originally, I was planning to move away since I’m graduating college and received some very cool opportunities, but after meeting him I was willing to put my career aspirations on hold in order to see where our relationship would go. Since he already has a career in this little town, we agreed I’d stay here for a year or so and see how compatible we are living together, then we would go long distance or have him follow me while I pursue my career. My boyfriend lived with his family, but he planned on moving out with me.
Coincidentally, his brother was planning on moving out and invited my boyfriend to live with him. Boyfriend saw this as a great chance for us all to be roommates and save money on rent, while living with two people he loves.
Meanwhile, I am constantly getting into conflicts with his brother before we’ve even moved in together. Brother keeps trying to push for more expensive places that are beyond our budget (we’re talking hundreds of dollars over budget), divide bills in really bizarre unequal ways that are obviously flawed, and seems resistant to coming up with collective rules around cleaning or chores. I have a customer service and social services background so I’m used to handling difficult people, and after laying out some of my basic concerns and communicating directly (but kindly) I thought we had reached an agreement. I’ve also lived with roommates for years, and I’ve never struggled this much to communicate with even the worst ones.
Then I overheard Brother badmouthing me to their mom. My boyfriend heard it too, but shrugged it off. Now it’s like the conversation we had didn’t even happen. We are still having the same issues. I showed some studio apartments we could afford to my boyfriend but he really wants to live with his brother. It’s not just about saving money, he loves his brother. He idolizes how “fair” and reasonable his older brother is. This is honestly making me question my reality, because why are we seeing his behavior in such different ways?
I can’t exactly reverse course now. I have already passed up some very valuable opportunities in order to pursue living with Boyfriend, and we have no other issues in our relationship. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered letting them move in together and just moving in nearby… but then what’s even the point of giving up those opportunities just to live nearby?
This is my first relationship so I’m not sure if this is one of those things you just suck up to maintain the relationship. I know many people that just do whatever they can to maintain peace with their partner’s family, and I don’t want to make my partner choose between me and his family. I think that would be very unfair to him. I also don’t want him to think I’m some kind of villain constantly picking fights with his “awesome” big brother.
Thanks,
Three’s A Crowd.
Hoo boy. I will be honest, TAC, I’m tempted to say “move out” and call it a day, but I think this deserves more of a breakdown to explain why this is a problem.
The first thing I will say is that I think that you really should’ve done things in reverse order; you should have decided to be long-distance so you could pursue these opportunities and then see where you and your boyfriend were in your relationship. It would be just as easy for you to go pursue those options for a year and see where you both were and see if it makes sense for him to come join you or for you to move back if need be. Yeah, that can put a strain on the relationship… but it would be a far easier exchange to make, and one that’s easier to undo than giving up those opportunities for good.
I don’t think you needed to do a test run of whether you work as a long-term, cohabitating couple, and certainly not like this. You’ve been together for a year now; you should already have had opportunities to see how compatible you were when it came to living together. As it is… I’m seeing signs that maybe you’re not. And one of the biggest signs is how he’s handling conflicts cropping up between roommates who haven’t even moved in together yet.
Except the problem doesn’t seem to be about handling conflict, so much as the consideration he’s giving you and what you’ve been willing to do, versus the consideration he’s willing to give to his brother.
This is a rare occasion when your boyfriend brushing off the way his brother was shit-talking you to their mother isn’t the reddest flag here. That’s honestly more of an indication of other, more significant problems. The way that he’s not giving any pushback to his brother is what’s setting off my Spidey-sense, frankly, and this strikes me as an indication of a fundamental disconnect that’s going to create more and more problems down the line. It’s not just a question of picking a side or who he should be more loyal to (which is not a topic worth getting into here); it’s a matter of how much your boyfriend is going to allow his bro to steamroll everything, and the effects these will have on you.
The fact that his bro keeps suggesting places that break your budget is just one example. This isn’t some minor inconvenience; more money going to rent is money you don’t have for other parts of your budget, and that has a tendency to snowball. It’s especially going to be a problem when it gets mixed in with the ways he’s suggesting that you split bills and utilities; you’re already out of pocket for the difference in rent, how much more are his “suggestions” going to end up costing you?
At the same time, there doesn’t seem to be an acknowledgement on your boyfriend’s part of the sacrifices you’ve made to stay and move in with him. While I don’t think that’s something that should be hanging over every decision and compromise the three of you make, I do think that should be giving weight to some of the decisions that need to be made here. Especially if you’re going to be taking a de facto pay cut and the potential hit to your future career by passing on those opportunities. That, to my mind, should make staying within budget and keeping costs divided fairly more of a priority and consideration.
It should also mean having a serious discussion about why his brother’s suggestions are clearly unworkable and what a better and fairer alternative would be. But based on what you’ve said so far, it sounds like this is a topic that your boyfriend isn’t willing to bring up or be part of.
The way his brother’s getting a pass on the chores is another symptom that points to a deeper issue. Living with other people is being part of a community in the micro, and part of what makes a community work is the equitable division of responsibilities and labor. It doesn’t necessarily need to be perfectly equal, but those responsibilities do need to be divided up in ways that make sense and don’t leave anyone feeling like they’re getting shafted. Everyone’s gotta pitch in to one degree or another for the good of the whole. But it also means that you have to be willing to talk about how to divvy things up in ways that make sense.
Now, maybe his brother is the sort of person who wants to wait and see how all of you do things when you’re actually in the living space together. That’s not unreasonable, but having a discussion about the division of responsibilities for now would at least set some baselines around expectations of cleanliness or upkeep, not to mention establishing particular practices.
If I’m being charitable, then I would be willing to say that sometimes this is a matter of having different expectations. Some folks, for example, resent being told they have to do load the dishwasher a particular way, or do the laundry on a specific day rather than on an as-needed basis. But this is where conflict resolution becomes a necessary skill as the three of you discuss how to handle things. If your boyfriend’s brother is the sort of person who has wildly different ideas of what “clean” means or has a particular way he likes to handle the dishes, that’s fine; that’s a thing you all can hash out together. But if he’s just flat out refusing to participate in the discussion or agree to his role in the apartment, that’s another problem that will only continue to grow like a snowball rolling downhill.
The fact that your boyfriend isn’t saying “dude, let’s just nail this down, come on” isn’t helping; if anything, it’s making it worse.
There’s a part of me that wonders what the reason for your boyfriend’s reluctance to push back or advocate for the two of you might be. He clearly loves his brother, so perhaps there’s some level of hero-worship that’s getting in the way. Or maybe the dynamic in their family is that the brother is either so domineering or stubborn that there’s a sense of “it’s easier just to roll with it than make a fuss”. But regardless, it suggests that, when push comes to shove – and it will, because people are always gonna bump up against one another – your boyfriend’s going to fold like wet cardboard. That’s not good in general, but it’s especially not good when this affects you too.
And that’s what ultimately needs to be dealt with, because this is going to be an issue now and in the future.
Here’s the thing: you’ve said that this is your first relationship, and that’s important because this is the first time you’re really going to have to decide what you’re willing to put up with and how you’re willing to let yourself be treated. A relationship is built on mutual respect and compromise and right now, the only person who seems to be compromising is you, and respect doesn’t feel like it’s even in the picture in the first place.
In every relationship, there will be times when someone will be in the position of having to give up something they want in the name of making the relationship work. There will even be times when you need to swallow your pride and go along to get along in the name of keeping the peace – whether with family or others.
But those compromises need to be mutual, not just one person always having to give way to the other. As I said about the division of responsibilities, it doesn’t need to be perfectly equal but it does need to be equitable. And this isn’t.
Thus far, the only person who has been compromising is you, to the point that you’re about to give up moving in with your boyfriend altogether. If you’re seriously considering moving into something affordable and letting your boyfriend live with his brother, we’re now well past the point of compromise and into setting yourself on fire just to keep other people warm.
People, I should stress, who don’t seem to feel that they should do the same for you.
You have made a very significant sacrifice to be in this relationship, and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to acknowledge that or understand what it means. Thus far, it really feels like living with his brother is a higher priority than his living with you. I don’t want to ascribe intent, because there’s not enough here to really say. Maybe that’s a lack of consideration, maybe it’s self-centeredness, maybe that’s a sign that he doesn’t value you as much as he values his relationship with his brother. But the important part isn’t the intent, it’s the action. Intent isn’t magical; he may not mean to be inconsiderate or disrespectful but that doesn’t change the effect the actions have on you.
I’m not going to say that you should dump your boyfriend over this immediately, but I will say that this doesn’t bode well for the longevity of your relationship. What I think is more significant is that this is going to be an inflection point for you, that’s going to shape how your relationships go, both now and in the future: how much are you willing to give up in order to make a relationship work before you’re willing to say “enough”? How much are you willing to advocate for yourself when nobody else is willing to, especially someone you’re dating? Is this relationship so good that you’re willing to tolerate this seeming disregard?
My advice, if you want to give this a chance, is to stand up for yourself nowand make it clear to your boyfriend that you’ve already given up a lot in order to be with him. If he’s not willing to honor your sacrifices and find ways to make those sacrifices mean something, then – as you said – what even was the point?
How he responds is going to tell you a lot about what you should do next.
If I’m going to be perfectly honest, I think you should see if there’s anychance of pursuing those opportunities you’ve passed up, or if there are others that are equally as good – even if they mean moving away… and possibly leaving this relationship behind.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’m in love. I have met an incredible woman and I am head over heels for her. I mean cherubs flying around, cartoon-heart-pounding-out-of-my-chest, floating-around-behind-with-a-goofy-smile in love.
So what’s the problem, you may be asking yourself? This sounds like what you would call “a good problem to have”. Well Doc, it’s simple: we’ve been dating for three weeks. I know this is absurd and I’m self aware enough to know that this is a pattern for me. I’m a classic incurable romantic and I ALWAYS fall hard and fast and it is ALWAYS a problem because it is way too early and too much for someone I don’t even know that well. I have yet to have a relationship that doesn’t come to a sudden halt because I fall hard every time and either things get too intense or they worry that there’s something wrong with me or worse, that I’m trying to love bomb them.
Doc, the only person who’s getting love-bombed is me. My intentions are purer than the driven snow and I used to be stationed in Alaska so I know of which I am talking about.
I’ve never been able to tone these feelings down and I’m not sure I want to. So how can I be madly in love with someone but not let it be a problem or scare my beloved away?
In Love With Love
There’s a special sort of curse for someone who is self-aware enough to know there’s a problem, but not to be able to do something about it, like watching a car crash about to happen in slow motion but you still aren’t turning the wheel for some reason.
Now it sounds like you don’t need me to say this but I’m going to say it anyway: what you’re experiencing isn’t love, it’s New Relationship Energy. When we start a relationship with someone new, especially once sex is in the picture, our brains get flooded with oxytocin and dopamine. It’s incredible, it’s exciting and it feels like nothing else in the world.
It also means that, if you aren’t careful, you can make a whole lot of poor decisions. NRE is, for all intents and purposes, like being intoxicated – just on hormones and brain chemicals instead of booze or drugs – and much like being high or drunk, it can impair our judgement. It’s easy to get out over your skis, freak someone out by declaring your eternal love for them or get far, far too intense about things. And, it’s important to note, that NRE – again, like booze and drugs – can hide or paper over a whole lot of flaws and dealbreakers because it’s amazing how when the clothes come off, all those problems just seem to disappear.
And you, it seems, get a double or triple dose of the stuff. Maybe you’ve got unique brain chemistry, maybe you’re just lucky, who knows. But the good thing is that at least you’re aware of it. And, much like inveterate stoners trying to function after invoking the Old Magic (level 2, Enchantment, V,M (1 edible), spell takes effect when the “This edible ain’t shit” is spoken out loud), the key is to remember that you’re high as balls and behave accordingly.
In the case of NRE, what this means is that you want to remember that what you’re feeling is incredibly heightened and exaggerated by the excitement of being with someone new. They may be as wonderful as it feels in the moment, but right now you are still metaphorically high as balls.
Basically, whatever your emotions are pushing you towards, you should take about 20% off there, bud. The more you recognize you’re in a state of heightened arousal, the less likely you are to say or do something that’s too much for the moment. This means that you want to hold off on declarations of undying love and affection, hold off on gifts, proposals, invitations to move in together or take a trip together for at least 6 months.
But here’s the other thing to keep in mind: the half-life of NRE tends to be around 8 months to a year; by that point acclimation sets in and your brain isn’t cranking out the love drugs like NVDIA trying meet production demands for GPUs. If you haven’t had a relationship last long enough to reach that stage, it may come as a shock. It’s natural, it’s normal and it happens in everyrelationship. And if you can make things last until that stage… you’ll be in good shape for what the future will hold for you and your sweetie.
Good luck.
