If you’re single and putting yourself out there, there are several green flags to look for in the people you date.
Consistency is key, says Sabrina Romanoff, a New York-based psychologist and relationship expert for the Hily dating app.
“Almost anyone can put up that facade of being the perfect partner for the first month of dating,” she says. But someone who’s really worth your time will continue to show their interest long after you’ve met. Taking accountability for their shortcomings and mistakes is another green flag.
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Similarly, there are red flags to pay attention. Here’s what Romanoff recommends looking out for.
1. They’re highly inconsistent
When you’re just starting to date someone, you want to feel a slow and steady stream of attention from them that keeps going, says Romanoff.
If, instead, they’re giving you lots of attention on and between dates, then drop off and you don’t hear from them as much, that’s a red flag. “It’s showing you that you’re not a priority to this person,” says Romanoff.
Watch for someone using “busy” as an excuse, says Romanoff, because even “the busiest people ultimately make time for what’s important to them.”
2. They put all the blame on their past partners
There are certain phrases to watch for when a potential partner is discussing past relationships.
“If they describe their ex as crazy, toxic, or completely insecure,” says Romanoff, “it shows a lack of reflection, accountability, and ownership of their role in the dynamic.” Especially if they describe all of their exes in a similar way, it’s very likely they had something to do with that behavior.
Instead, you want someone who can admit there were problems in their past relationships and take responsibility for their role in them.
3. They ‘future fake’ by making big promises early on
On your first few dates with someone, a potential partner should not be asking about what they can do for you on your birthday, planning a big vacation with you or talking about how much their mum would love you. Romanoff calls this “future faking.”
By building a fantasy about your future, “they’re creating this very false sense of connection and intimacy,” she says, often to speed the physical intimacy.
“A more secure person doesn’t have to overcompensate in any way,” she says, or make you feel like they’re so invested in you that you owe them something by the end of the date.
4. They’re rude or disrespectful, and rationalise it as ‘just being honest’
It should go without saying that if someone is being cruel, like making jokes at your expense, putting you down or disregarding your boundaries, that’s a red flag.
If, when you bring it up, they say something like “you’re being too sensitive” or “I’m just being honest” and don’t take accountability for hurting you, that’s yet another major red flag, says Romanoff. It means they’re not going to take your wants and needs seriously and will only expect you to conform to theirs.
“I think kindness is one of the most important traits that we can have in our partners,” says Romanoff, “because the world is cruel and you need someone by your side who you can really trust.”
5. You feel like you’re auditioning to be picked by them
The person you’re dating should make you feel safe and comfortable. If, instead, they make you feel like you have to constantly perform to hold their attention, that’s a red flag.
This could play out in many ways. They could be on their phone when you’re talking, making it clear you’re not their first priority. They could take days to text you back, making you wait and wonder if you’ll hear from them again.
These kinds of behaviours cause uncertainty and, for some, a feeling like they have to work harder to maintain their date’s attention. Long-term, “it often leads to feeling completely empty,” says Romanoff, “like you are evacuating everything in your world that makes you happy.”
