DISCLAIMER: While this story is true, all comparisons to any actual persons are merely coincidental. However, none of the story is dramatized or exaggerated for entertainment purposes. The column is written under a pseudonym to protect the identities of all involved.
There’s something so alluring about a man in a backwards hat. The feeling is inexplicable and these men are definitely not hard to find around here. There’s just one issue: many of my beloved, backwards-hat-wearing eye candies belong to fraternities.
I’m not here to tell you that fraternities suck. Sure, they might have weird circle-jerk rings, beat the living hell out of each other and have a tendency for the nonconsensual, but being in a frat can actually provide a lot of benefits.
However, you should never think that the men in fraternities won’t suck. At least in bed, that is. Today, we have two examples of unfortunately handsome evidence as to why I firmly believe this. Time to meet Captain and Exec.
Captain was a Tinder match. Though he looked a lot like a former fling of mine, I couldn’t resist how good he looked in that stupid freaking backwards hat. After a night of far too many Monkey Bar green tea shots, Captain texted me to come over as I was scrolling through TikTok in my bed.
I, not so politely, refused. I mean, my skincare was done, I was in my jammies and my fade had just hit in time for me to watch TikTok mukbangs in peace. You know me though, I was absolutely still up for the occasion, if he felt inclined to find his way up to my bed.
Fourth tip: Don’t go to him; make him come to you. I promise, your bed feels a lot better than his.
After approximately 20 minutes of deliberation, Captain was seated in my bed in his outdoor clothes. Hell no. Thank God those clothes did not stay on for very long, because my skin was starting to crawl. On the flip side, I wish those clothes never came off in the first place.
Disappointed is a very generous term to use in describing my experience with Captain. When he asked me if I had finished, I told him verbatim, “What about anything that just happened between us made you think that I finished?” He took it in stride and promised to try harder next time.
Sure, buddy. There’s so going to be a next time. Poor guy.
Now, Exec was almost a success story. Drop-dead handsome, we met at a bar and hit it off. And, of course, he was wearing a backwards hat.
The first time we hooked up was decent. It was the second time that hammered the nail into the dimpled coffin. After showing up at my house at 3 a.m. drunk out of his mind, Exec discovered what alcohol can do to your friend downstairs.
He apologized and begged to come over sober later that week and in my pissed-off, dissatisfied state, I shrugged it off and nodded. Then, I saw his phone light up with a Snapchat notification: the Bitmoji was a blonde with brown eyes. I mean, sure, I was texting other guys, too, but not while he was right there. This detail brings me to another point of advice.
Fifth tip: That girl in his phone is not just a friend. Don’t be naive or hypocritical; I’m sure your best friend’s list is full of “friends,” too.
When he left, I breathed a sigh of relief. I could finally watch my TikToks in peace.
I am not telling you that all frat guys suck and I don’t want to condemn the art of the backwards baseball cap, but I want you to consider these two stories when you think of indulging in the brothers of UMass. I hate getting my own hopes up, so I would never want to do that to you.
If you find yourself entangled in the web of a charming, zyn-packing, frat flick-throwing arachnid in a fitted cap, beware. Rumor mill this and YikYak that; don’t fall for it. The stories will always be funny afterwards but heed my advice.
Sixth tip: Some stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. If a frat has a reputation for their brothers being the worst, don’t kid yourself into thinking you found the hidden gem in a sea of scumbags.
Layla Starling can be reached at arts@dailycollegian.com and editorial@dailycollegian.com. Also, my number is 678-999-8212 text me
