Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Doctor’s Note: At the start of a new year, I like to look back and re-answer some older questions as I would if I had received them today. Whenever possible, I answer them without having read my previous response, to see and how my advice has changed in the intervening years. So this week, I’ll be going back and re-answering questions that I covered ten years ago.
Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove: Revisited for 2026…
This letters was originally published on March 18, 2016
I need some help on this subject, as it’s been tormenting me for years upon years and I can’t get out of it. Why does desperation turn away women from men? It doesn’t make sense, especially evolutionary speaking. We are biologically programmed to want sex, so if someone doesn’t get it for a long time, that means they want it more, right?
It frustrates me to no end hearing people I know complain they haven’t had sex for a week and say “OMG I’m so horny and desperate,” yada yada yet they go and get laid easily. I’ve been in a fucking rut for over 5 years and I don’t get what the hell is wrong. I have lots of friends, a good job, I have interesting hobbies, and people tell me I’m well socially calibrated, so there’s no reason I shouldn’t be having so much trouble getting laid. What I am desperate for now is relief in just having this issue understood, so I can get over it and get on with my life.
I don’t even need a relationship or to be dependent on someone. I don’t want to objectify women, I don’t want to go down the PUA route, I certainly don’t want to identify with the incel label because that will get me into deeper shit and, I really don’t want to end up bitter and hating for women. It doesn’t make sense. Please help, Doc. Thanks,
Dry Spell
Here’s the funny thing about evolution, DS: evolution doesn’t give a shit about society, relationships or anything other than the continuation of one’s DNA. It certainly doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s happiness, self-esteem or quality of life. Ascribing intent or meaning to evolution and how it affected our biology is precisely the sort of thing that makes evopsych the preferred tool of so many grifters and grievance-peddlers and ultimately no different than religious leaders saying “Because God said so”. It’s an appeal to authority, saying that “this force of nature has decreed this” on something that just happens to align with said bobble-throated grievance-peddler’s agenda.
Or have you not noticed the stunning coincidence in how often evolution seems to be in alignment with certain 20th and 21st century social mores, yet somehow life has gotten by without those for millennia beforehand?
The reason why desperation turns people off – not just women, everyone – is because of the way that people behave when they’re desperate. The word desperation conjures up images of people who are so deprived and in such dire need that the rules and laws that govern society become secondary to fulfilling that need. A person who’s starving may steal food. A heroin addict who’s desperate to get their fix may turn to violence to get the funds to buy drugs. A person who’s “desperate” for sex may – in theory – likewise ignore things like consent or appropriateness of the partner in order to get off.
(I say “in theory” because rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence and power, not lust.)
Just as importantly, someone who’s truly desperate is going to be more focused on finally getting that need met than on other, equally important considerations. It’s not that those considerations don’t matter, it’s that they get in the way of actually meeting that need. The starving person might eat garbage in order to have sheer calories to keep their body going, but in the process give themselves food poisoning or worse. The heroin addict may overdose, buy cut or tainted product or even get the wrong drug entirely and greater harm to themselves.
Someone who’s “desperate” for sex (and the scare quotes are deliberate here; we’ll come back to it) is likely to show equally poor or impaired judgement. They may seek out a potential partner who’s intoxicated and unable to give meaningful consent. They may forgo safe sex practices, risking pregnancy, and contracting or spreading an STI. They may pursue sex in a way that creates greater risk of physical, social or legal consequences for themselves or their erstwhile partner, leaving them in a worse situation than they were before.
But here’s a big, big difference between the examples I mention: someone who’s starving will die if they don’t eat. Their body is increasingly unable to function and will cannibalize itself in order to preserve its life. Heroin is incredibly physically addicting, and withdrawal symptoms are hellacious.
Not having sex, however, is neither life-threatening, nor does a lack of sex cause physical harm or even significant discomfort. People who haven’t had sex in days, weeks or years don’t experience intense cramps, tachycardia, nausea, hallucinations or other symptoms of withdrawal. Their bodies don’t start to turn against themselves until they get their rocks off. Sex may be a drive, yeah, but we survive just fine without it. Your balls might ache, your erections may be uncomfortable and you may have a hard time concentrating… but none of those are going to make it impossible to live your life like normal. People go for decades, even lifetimes without sex without issue.
The issue regarding the desperation for sex tends to be psychological, not physiological. Nobody has died because they haven’t had sex; their bodies didn’t waste away or collapse from the strain of having so much backed up semen.
(In fact, all that build up just gets reabsorbed into the body… but that’s beside the point)
The consequences of the lack of sex are emotional, not physical, and it almost always has more to do with the person’s self-image, ego and perceived social standing rather than a need for sex-for-sex’s-sake. If it were purely about the need to get off, well, that’s what masturbation is for. Sex toys, including insertion toys like Tenga sleeves, Fleshlights or even sex dolls exist after all, and many offer sensations that the human body can’t replicate.
But for many who insist that they’re desperate, that isn’t enough, because someone else isn’t physically involved. And hey, fair enough… but that’s precisely how you can tell that it’s a psychological need, not a physical one. Your penis, testicles and sperm don’t have flesh-detectors; they aren’t going to refuse to orgasm if you use a sex toy any more than they’ll refuse if you just use your hand. Your brain might get in the way, but not your body.
However, even if we grant that another person must be involved for the sake of argument, then this is still solvable. You may well find someone who’s willing (if not necessarily interested or eager) to have sex if you are willing to forgo attraction or don’t mind finding someone who’s looking for the least objectionable warm body. It’s also a money-soluble problem; sex workers exist, after all, with a spectrum of prices and services. But, again, the people complaining that they’re truly desperate for sex aren’t saving up their money for a wild weekend in Reno, because what they’re looking for isn’t sex but validation. It’s less about the need to orgasm with the help of another person and more about what having sex – and the person they’re having sex with – says about them.
The thing is though, is that this goes both ways, and this is precisely why “desperation” is a turn-off to the people you want to have sex with. When you’re acting desperate, what you’re often doing is telling people that you aren’t interested in them, you’re interested in masturbating using another person, one who has reached the heady heights of “you’ll do”. At the bare minimum, this is incredibly insulting to the person being told “enh, you’re good enough”, and it says a lot about what the other person thinks about them. Even someone who’s horny and actively looking to have sex, someone who’s willing and ready to bang a stranger they just met, doesn’t appreciate feeling like a sex toy with a pulse. It’s incredibly dehumanizing and tends to leave people feeling cheap and used.
At the same time, the sex you’re most likely to have is going to be the most perfunctory and selfish sex possible. Someone who’s in a state of “I’ll take anyone” isn’t going to be a careful and considerate lover, someone who’s going to worship their partner’s body and concern themselves with their partner’s pleasure. They’re going to be focused on fulfilling their own need, with anyone else’s coming a distant second if that.
And not to put too fine a point on it: once that frantic drive to get off is sated, there’s the high likelihood that regret and shame will set in, especially if the desperation has led to them choosing a partner they’re not actually attracted to. That regret and shame often leads to dire consequences for the partner, because those negative feelings often end up being turned outward as much as inward. As many a woman and queer person across the gender spectrum have discovered: there’re few places that’re more dangerous to be than alone with a straight man who just got off.
So when you’re giving off the desperate vibe, not only are you signaling that you’re being less discriminating in your choice of partners than you might be otherwise (and implying that they’re less willing or able to be choosier about who they sleep with) and that the level of risk will be much higher… but even if they’re not at physical or social risk, the sex just won’t even be worth it.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I empathize with you, DS. I understand how frustrating a dry spell can be, especially one that’s gone on for years. I absolutely understand the desire to break that streak by whatever means possible – both for relief and for regaining a sense of control and agency in your own life. But this is precisely why it’s important to think of this in terms of frustration, rather than desperation. This is something you want and want badly, not something that you will experience severe consequences if you continue to go without. Labeling it as frustration is a reminder that this is something you can manage, not a need that will cause unavoidable suffering if you ignore it. It puts control back in your hands and reminds you that this is something you can handle.
It also reminds you of the order of operations to follow. To break that negative streak, you first have to overcome the frustration, so that the frustration doesn’t end up working against you. I know what you’re thinking, so let me stop you right now: this isn’t a catch-22 situation, where you have to get laid in order to get laid. This is about learning how to manage and overcome frustration so that you can achieve your goal.
There are a lot of ways to accomplish this – ways that don’t involve getting your end in at any cost. You can recognize and acknowledge your frustration and push it aside – turning your attention elsewhere, so that you don’t expend the bandwidth on it. This is akin to getting frustrated in a game or puzzle and taking a break to do other things; you are allowing your brain to focus on other things, so that you recoup your energy and emotional capacity that will allow you to succeed later. You can crank one out before going out to be social, so you don’t have that rampant desire clouding your judgement and affecting your behavior. You can even channel that frustration into creative outlets; energy is energy after all, and that energy is fungible. Expending that energy elsewhere frees up your bandwidth and leaves you thinking more clearly and coherently.
The key to any of these methods, however, is that they’re about you. They’re things that are within your locus of control; they don’t require the participation of others. You are treating that frustration, reminding yourself of what you’re capable of, and clearing your head so that you can focus your attention where it should be – on connecting with people on a genuine and authentic level, forming a relationship (whether for a lifetime or just that night) that is mutually beneficial for you both.
When you can come to meeting people and socializing with the mindset of meeting them as people, rather than reducing yourself to just getting your need met, you’re going to have far more success. Otherwise, you’re just going to be getting in your own way and, ironically, increasing your frustration in the attempt to alleviate it.
Good luck.
This letter was originally published on January 8, 2016
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I am a 35-year-old single guy who keeps attracting the wrong kind of girls. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad, just not my kind. They’re usually not into the same things I am or able to keep up a conversation.
I’m 6’2″ and bald and I used to be chubby but since I started working out, I have become quite broad. Since then, I seem to interest girls that love dominant manly men while I’m just a nerd; I went to university, play chess and love video games. Some girls even compared me with Vin Diesel. For now, I’m trying numerous things: starting conversations about university or video games, wearing nerd-shirts, wearing caps, growing a beard… but I can’t seem to find a good strategy yet to keep the wrong women at bay and get liked by the women I like, an intelligent witty girl.
Help?
Nerd In Jock’s Clothing
Hey NIJC, haaaaaaave you met Henry Cavill? Cavill is, unquestionably a nerd. He’s the kind of person who hotrods his PC to play games at the highest possible specs, who paints Warhammer miniatures for fun and who ultimately left his role as Geralt of Rivia because he thought that the showrunners didn’t keep true to how Geralt was depicted in the Witcher novels.
He’s also a six-foot something slab of beef with abs like phwoar and piercing blue eyes.
(This is possibly the first time in a long time that Cavill has been a point of positive comparison, instead of the yardstick guys are measuring themselves against. The irony, she is palpable.)
Caville may be among the pantheon of actors who play superheroes and absurdly jacked figures from myth, but he’s a diehard geek.
The same goes for Vin Diesel, for that matter. Among his many accomplishments in life, he not only has gotten Dame Judi Dench to play Dungeons and Dragons, but produced a vanity project based on his own D&D character.
The point is that geeks and nerds come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and body composition, because being a geek is in how you act, more than in how you look. Not every nerdboy or girl are going to look like Finn Wolfhard or Shannon Purser, after all, as attractive as they are. Some are gonna look like Joe Mangainello, Chris Jericho, Ta-Nahesi Coates, Aabria Iyengar, Erika Ishii and Deborah Anne Wohl.
But how we present ourselves does affect how people perceive us, and those assumptions are often going to be based on stereotypes. A tall, jacked bald guy with a beard isn’t necessarily going to scream “big ol’ nerd” at first glance. If anything, it’s going to say “this person watches a lot of MMA had has very strong thoughts about the NFL draft and knives in his every-day carry.”
If you look like a Joe Rogan fanboy, people are going to be quick to make assumptions about who you are, especially if you’re in places that aren’t as popular with your fellow geeks. You can certainly soften your appearance with, say, thick-rimmed glasses, or dress up your look in geek shibboleths (…says the man who wears a Green Lantern ring and rocks the mark of the Arashikage clan) to help set first impressions, but your demeanor and overall behavior will be even more effective in changing the way that they see you.
Consider Critical Role’s Travis Willingham as an example. He is a huge dude, and he looks like your typical jockbro… and he’s also exuberant, expressive, playful and even goofy. His physical presence suggests one thing, but his behavior suggests another entirely. Anyone who hangs out around him will figure out in nanoseconds that he’s as much of a dork as you might ever expect to find. So the way you carry yourself will help too – not just personal warmth, but a willingness to be a little sillier and playful will help give folks a better idea of who you are, especially if paired with a geeky tee or visible nerd signifiers.
Just as importantly though: if you want to find nerdy and geeky women, you’re going to have a lot more success if you go where they hang out. It’s one thing to try to find someone who knows the difference between a tiefling and a genasi, or an Asari from an assimar, at a sports bar; it’s another entirely at GenCon or Emerald City Comic Con. If you’re looking to meet your people, you want to go where your people are. You may well find geek curious folks at bars or clubs, but the odds will be a hell of a lot higher at the coffeehouse in a college town that’s near the local comic store.
In fact, the best advice I have for meeting amazing women who are right for you is simply to engage in your hobbies and passions in ways that bring you in contact with other people who share those interests and passions. This can mean going to boardgame nights at your local gaming store, participating in public D&D events, going to makerspaces, renfaires, or other places where your fellow geeks and nerds also hang out. Become a regular in those spaces and at those events, network and make friends and become part of the community. This will help you meet the geeks of your dreams… many of whom will also be interested in a dude who looks like a jock but also understand why the Crisis on Infinite Earths was a more significant event than Secret Wars.
Good luck.
