Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
Hello,
I am writing because I find myself in a pickle.
Two years ago, I began dating a guy who treated me like a princess and was completely wonderful. Fast forward to last February, I find out he maintains regular contact with his ex, text daily, go grocery shopping together, eat out, meet up at certain places and she maintains contact with his family too. He even slept at her apartment while she was away on vacation to watch the dog. They also check in throughout the day while traveling, etc. The list goes on.
I confront him and initially we broke up because I was blindsided. Then we talked and he explained she has no family and he wants to provide support but there is no romantic interest. I explain that I understand maintaining a friendship with an ex, but they still in practice behave like a couple and must have boundaries in place. Fast forward to now- I have met her, talked to her and tried to be accommodating. I feel like they are enmeshed and like my role as partner is outsourced to his ex. I have found out that he asks her to text his mom directly to cheer her up with pictures of their dog. She went as far as texting us both while we were out spending time together even after they talk throughout the week.
I finally lost my cool this week and broke it off because I can understand being friends with an ex, but at this point even if their frequency decreased, I feel I am the side chick and she has the official title. I have explained this to no end and he continues to defend her and act like it is a simple friendship.
I feel I was pushed out of my own relationship and my own boyfriend allowed it. I have explained in every way possible that I am hurt and feel his ex is prioritized and he continues to say she simply needs support because she has no family. At what point should the support end and the respect for our relationship begin? I believe it us too late as I have again broken it off. I feel there is no space left for me.
What should I do?
Thank you
Side Chick In My Own Relationship
I am going to preface this by saying that you have every right to feel how you feel. The way that you feel is valid; that is, the feelings you’re experiencing are real and nobody has the right to tell you that the way you’re feeling is “wrong” or incorrect.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that the way you’re feeling or the actions you’ve taken because of those feelings are justified by the facts on the ground. But those are ultimately your choice.
This is something of a moot point, seeing as you’ve broken things off, but let me ask you something: would you be having the same reaction to your ex’s relationship with this person if she were a man? If everything else about his behavior was exactly the same and he didn’t have a romantic relationship with this person in the past, would you still be this upset or feel this sidelined?
I ask because, frankly, if you remove the context of their being former lovers, everything you describe sounds like close family friends. This may not be the dynamic you’re used to with your close friends, but nothing you’re describing, including “My mom could use some cheering up, would you send her pics of Fido?” sounds unlike a long-standing close friendship. God knows it’s not that different from the relationship I have with a number of my childhood friends.
Even things like going shopping isn’t that unusual. Recently, there’s been a growing trend of “errand hangs” or “errand dates” as a way of spending time with friends – where you go out and run errands together as quality time, rather than trying to squeeze all your catching up and socializing into a meal or drinks at a bar. While this may feel a little odd – you’re doing chores instead of hanging out and talking? – people report that errand hangs make the act of doing mundane tasks more enjoyable while also being far easier to fit into a crammed schedule.
I understand that the fact that he used to be romantically involved with this person feels odd, but the fact that they used to be romantically involved doesn’t mean that those feelings linger or that their relationship will always have a romantic component. The fact that they’re still involved in each other’s lives, including giving her support when her family isn’t available, doesn’t mean that one or the other are interested in the other or hope that they’re going to get back together some day. The fact that the romantic relationship ended doesn’t automatically mean that they will never want to see one another again, nor does it mean that there’re bad feelings. Many times, the relationship ended because they realized they didn’t work as lovers, but the core of the respect, friendship and affection is still there. The fact that he’s still friends with his ex is a mark towards his emotional maturity and an indicator of how he might be with you if your relationship had ended under different circumstances.
Now, the fact that they’re friends and she wasn’t necessarily a threat to your romantic relationship doesn’t mean that he wasn’t being inconsiderate of your feelings or that he couldn’t be rude to you without realizing it. If he was texting her while you were out on a date… yeah, that’d be rude. But it would be the same sort of rudeness if he were texting a male friend during date night as well. Rudeness isn’t contingent on the sex of either party. Gender doesn’t matter when someone’s too busy gabbing about last night’s basketball scores when they’re supposed to be having a nice night out with their sweetie. It’s rude and inconsiderate to be ignoring the person you’re with in favor of someone who isn’t there. If he’s incapable of saying “hey, I’m out with SCIMOR, I’ll text you later”, that’s not cool, and worth telling him that.
But that’s still not the same as “I think he’s emotionally involved with his ex”. And as I said: I think the biggest issue you’re dealing with is her gender and their former relationship; change those factors and you’re not talking about treating them like a partner.
I think you could have had a much more productive conversation or series of conversations if you weren’t framing it as his transgressing against your relationship or treating her like a partner. I think this needlessly changed the tone of what you were saying and what he was hearing, and as a result, didn’t address the behavior. By bringing up suspicions about his motivation, rather than saying “hey, could you not text your bud when we’re having a night out?”, is going to put someone on the defensive, especially if you’re accusing them of something they aren’t doing. It’s also much easier to say “hey, this bothers me because it makes me feel as though I’m less important”, rather than accusing him of having poor or weak boundaries, or implying that his relationship is inappropriate in some way.
But as I said: it’s a moot point, seeing as you ended the relationship over this. That’s entirely your call, and as I’m always saying: you can end a relationship at any time, for any reason. But in the future, you’ll avoid a lot of heartache and turmoil if you don’t come in with accusations of enmeshment and instead focus on “this behavior makes me feel excluded or like I’m a lower priority than your friend.”
Or you could just try to date people who aren’t friends with their exes. Your call.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
First of all, greetings from Argentina.
I’m an amateur singer, and not long ago I had the chance to perform in a small bar in Buenos Aires. That night I sang tango, specifically songs by Julio Sosa. His lyrics are powerful—almost always about a man who refuses to apologize for being himself, who knows his own history, accepts his flaws, and walks forward with quiet pride.
For a few minutes, I became that man.
In the middle of my performance, I noticed an incredibly beautiful woman in the audience. After I finished singing, I sat down, and somehow we ended up talking for what felt like hours. We shared a bottle of wine, laughed, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. It was one of those evenings that feels almost cinematic.
The problem began after I got home.
I realized that the version of myself she met wasn’t entirely my everyday self. On stage, I’m performing. The music, the atmosphere, the confidence — they amplify my personality. But once I step off the stage, I’m much quieter.
I’m not a stereotypical passionate Argentine playboy.
I’m an ordinary man. I enjoy peaceful evenings at home, reading books, and I work in the fascinating world of accounting. My life is calm, structured, and honestly… I like it that way.
Now I’m terrified.
I’m afraid that if we go on a date, she’ll expect the charismatic tango singer she saw that night. Instead, she’ll find someone who is thoughtful, a little introverted, and happiest discussing books over coffee.
Part of me wonders whether she was attracted to me… or to the performance.
Is this a common fear? Should I try to recreate that stage version of myself on a date, or should I simply let her meet the quieter man behind the microphone and trust that it’s enough?
Thank you for everything you do.
Sincerely,
Don’t Fall In Love With The Man On The Stage
OK, I know this only relevant for a small segment, but I would like someone to acknowledge the strength it’s taken not to make some Jem and the Holograms comparisons. Especially why Rio and Jerrica were the OTP of the show, as opposed to Riot, who only liked Jem.
(This was specifically for Dr. Mrs. The NerdLove and the other Gen-X readers in my audience. You’re welcome.)
This really isn’t something to be afraid of, DFILWTMOTS. Don’t get me wrong, I understand being excited that you had this great experience with someone and hoping that this might be the start of something beautiful. However, she’s still a complete stranger, someone you have just met and had exactly one conversation with. Investing her with such power that you’re afraid of disappointing her is putting the horse before the cart.
I mean, you seem to be afraid of how she’s going to react to you when you don’t seem to even have a date yet. So this is a theoretical problem, not one that may be imminent. That’s the definition of borrowing trouble from the future, a future that at this point isn’t likely to come to pass in the first place.
There’s no benefit to being worried how she’s going to feel on a date with you when there’s not even a date in the planning; you’re just making yourself upset for no good reason other than to upset yourself.
Here’s the thing: you know nothing about this person other than she’s attractive and you had a lovely evening hanging out. That’s great, don’t get me wrong, but she’s still a stranger. You don’t know if you’re compatible in the romantic sense, if you share values in common or if she’s even a good person. It’s good to be excited, but it’s important to keep things in perspective.
For one thing: if she thinks you’re the spiritual twin of Sosa and not, y’know, you… well, that’s on her. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone fell for a stage persona instead of the person – ask any actor, singer or even some cosplayers – but it’s still ultimately a her issue, not a you issue. It would be one thing if you were acting out of character when you were sitting down with her, and behaving in a way that was unrelated to who you are. But if all that was happening was that you were riding a performance high and feeling confident because you nailed that song? That’s you, not Sosa.
You didn’t channel him like you’re Madame Blavatsky, you just gave yourself permission to unlock aspects of yourself that had been inside you this whole time. She was having a drink and a conversation with you. A polished and amplified version of you, maybe, but still authentically you.
But for another: if she’s only attracted to that specific version of you and can’t hang with the quieter, calmer, more introverted version of you? Then she’s not compatible with you. She’s not your type and you’re not hers. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re not desirable.
(See also: the aforementioned Jem/Riot comparison.)
It means that she’s not right for you and you’re not right for her. It’s a shame and a disappointment, sure… but that doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that there’s some flaw in you. And honestly, it’s better to figure that before you’ve invested time and energy in a relationship that ultimately couldn’t work.
But for a secret third thing: you’re really making a lot of assumptions about how she feels and what she’s thinking. While I can understand the worry, it’s important to realize that this worry is born out of the feeling that this version of you isn’t as valuable or desirable as the version of you that was on stage. You’re seeing this stage persona as being so different from you and so much better than you that you are dismissing that people can like you for you, not for who you’re projecting on stage. The fact that you can project that persona and inhabit it for a while is great… but it doesn’t diminish your authentic self.
If anything, it adds dimensions and layers to you, making you a more complex and interesting person. Someone who is right for you will not only see that complexity but appreciate it. They’re going to like you for your whole self, not for a small sliver that only shows up in specific circumstances. They’re going to appreciate the depth of your character and the way you have layers and nuance and how that makes you fascinating to them… and how they can see both that stage persona and the real you and how there may be more overlap than you think.
So if you want my advice? First, don’t invest so much emotional importance in a person before it’s time to invest in them – which would be once you’re moving towards having an actual relationship, not the possibility of a date. She’s a stranger, not the arbiter of your romantic future. She’s hot, she’s exciting, but she’s not the only woman in the world and certainly not the only person you’ll ever meet, charm and have a lovely time with.
Second, give yourself more credit for being who you are. You may be performing when you’re on stage, but that performance isn’t antithetical to who you are. It’s still you. It’s you bringing other sides of yourself to the forefront, but it’s still you. The person they’re seeing is you, the person they’re responding to is you. Sosa may have written the words and the music, but you were the one singing them. Trust in yourself, instead of assuming that people could only like you if you were someone else.
And in trusting yourself, trust other people to either see you for who you are and want that, or to recognize that they’re not who you’re looking for. Don’t presume to know their mind better than they do and don’t invent reasons why they might not like you… especially when those only come from your anxiety and not something that she said or did.
If it really is the case that she thinks you’re someone else and can’t hang with the “real” or off-stage version of you, then that’s a shame. But at the end of the day, it costs you nothing, and is just a reminder that someone can be hot but not right for you. All that will happen is that you will be freed to go meet someone who is right for you… and one step closer to finding someone who is into you because of you.
Good luck.
