Estimated reading time: 22 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’ve been feeling down lately because I haven’t had much luck even getting so much as a date, let alone a relationship. I’m a 27-year-old man, I dress well, have a few interests I genuinely enjoy (history, music, gym, tea making) and a job I like; I’m also socially adjusted, have a small friend circle, and don’t have a hard time talking to people. I’m also good at making people laugh, even if I just met them.
At this point, I have feel like I have tried everything – workshops, clubs/bars, hobby related activities, etc. I have tried taking breaks, cold approaching, looking through friends, and still turned up empty handed.
I don’t really know what to do anymore. I know that I’m worthy of love and am ready to give it, yet it feels as though nobody out there wishes to reciprocate.
From when I was in high school till now, I haven’t really had much luck attracting women. 9/10 times I get rejected because they’re either taken, not looking, or don’t see me that way. I’ve asked out all types of women from all walks of life, and the answer is pretty much always no. This has served to greatly discourage me from dating, and as a result, I spent quite a long time avoiding it, only making sporadic attempts here and there.
I also understand that these experiences (or the lack of positive reinforcement they entail) have made a mark on me & the way I approach women, and I’m trying to fix it by letting go of expectations & just having fun, enjoying their company. It’s gotten much better.
Nowadays, I still go out and meet people, but not as often because I’ve grown accustomed to doing things on my own.
I accept that rejection is a natural part of the process, but when rejection is pretty much all you receive, what do you do then?
Yours truly
Young Man
As readers have undoubtedly noticed, I get a lot of messages like yours, YM, most of which cover the same ground and thus get a lot of the same answers. And quite honestly, it’s a little difficult to say the same thing in new and different ways over and over again.
But I pulled your letter specifically in order to take a slightly different tack on this question. Instead of talking about what you’re probably doing wrong, I want to instead talk about how you – and other people in similar situations to yours – can troubleshoot your dating life and figure out where some of the sticking points are.
The first step is very simple: make sure you understand the problem. In this case, it would seem obvious: you keep getting rejected by people you’re interested in. But the outcome – rejection – is less important than the reason. And in your case, you already have an answer. You even mention it in your letter: of the people you meet, 90% are either not looking for a relationship or are already in one. Right off the bat, this implies that the issue is less with you and more with the pool of people you’ve been talking to.
Now obviously one can posit that some of these aren’t honest reasons for rejection; women will often use a soft “no” to turn someone down because of how many men have responded to rejection. Bringing up a boyfriend who may or may not exist is a common one; many men are more likely to accept “I have a boyfriend” over “I’m not interested” as a refusal. But while it’s possible that every single person is lying when they say they have a boyfriend, it’s vanishingly unlikely… but also irrelevant. Focusing on this ultimately isn’t helpful because the end result and suggested change is the same: they’ve turned you down and the odds are better that you need to examine where and how you’ve been meeting people.
There are many times when demographics just aren’t going to be on your side; you may well be dealing with a population sample that’s more likely to include people who are in relationships vs. single people. Other times it’s one where you’re less likely to have levels of compatibility – you’re more likely to find someone who has similar values, interests and ambitions in a hobby group or community that aligns with your hobbies and passions than you are meeting people in bars or clubs or doing random street approaches.
The next step is to examine who you’re trying to connect with and why. Sometimes the issue is less about the other person so much as it is with you and why you’re talking to one person instead of another. Many times, people who are struggling to meet people or to date tend to either be too indiscriminate with who they’re trying to meet, or are falling in to patterns of approaching the wrong people.
“Wrong” in this case can mean a lot of different things. Sometimes it’s a matter of unconscious self-sabotage; you’re caught in a pattern of approaching people you know to either be unavailable or incompatible. This is often a matter of low self-worth or even fear of success; you feel that you don’t “deserve” happiness or to have a chance at a relationship and so you choose “safe” options who aren’t going to reciprocate your interest. Other times, you’re not approaching people you’re actually interested in, whether because you’re intimidated or feel like you’ve been pre-rejected, and so you aim your sights lower. The problem, of course, is that doing this means that you’re now trying to meet people you don’t actually like. So not only are you not bringing your a-game, but the person you’re talking to can tell that you’re not really into them.
But other times, you’re taking a “any body will do” approach, which also works against you.
A frequent mistake I see, whether on dating apps or trying to approach many people in person over the course of an afternoon or evening, is that people are taking a shotgun approach. Sure, throw enough lead into the air and you might hit something… but that doesn’t mean that’s something that you were looking for, or even that you want.
One of the drawbacks to approaching strangers, especially in a “cold” approach, where you’re talking to someone you have no personal or social connection to, is that you know next to nothing about that person. The likelihood that, through sheer chance, you will have met someone who’s compatible with you is low. You’re basing your interest entirely on their physical attractiveness; while that’s not a bad thing, it’s also very impersonal and more than a little objectifying and alienating.
Nobody likes feeling like they’re just a warm body or potential notch on the bedpost. Even someone who’s down to hook up with a stranger is going to want to feel like that person is interested in them, specifically, not just anyone who says “yes”.
You improve your odds significantly when you’re interacting with someone you know or have gotten to know over time, in no small part because you have more of a basis for that sense of interest and connection beyond “you’re purdy.”
But that also ties into the next possible sticking point that needs to be addressed. You want to examine how you’re meeting people, how you’re interacting with them and the rate at which you’re moving from “meet” to “ask them out”. One of the most common sticking points I see is that guys who are talking about how many times they’ve been rejected are moving very quickly, especially if they’re talking about in-person encounters vs. dating apps. This is especially true of the classic cold approach.
A cold approach is statistically the least efficient and highest-effort-to-outcome approach possible. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to convince a complete stranger to at least be open to the possibility of starting a romantic or sexual relationship with someone they’ve known for less than an hour. Not only is this not how people tend to meet their romantic partners, it’s also very shallow. You know literally nothing about this person except that you find them attractive to some degree, and they know even less about you. You have no real way of knowing whether they’re single, whether they’re interested in dating, whether they’re interested in people of your gender… and that’s before you even get to whether you have anything in common besides being carbon based, mammalian lifeforms.
In addition, with relatively few exceptions, most of the time you meet someone via a cold approach, it’s not going to be at a time or place where they’re most likely to be interested in talking to a stranger, never mind possibly flirting with one or agreeing to a date. And they’re especially less likely to be interested in having to make that decision in 20 minutes or less.
The odds are very good that part of the problem is that you’re trying to get a date (or a phone number or connect on social media or WhatsApp) faster than is reasonable and before you’ve made a significant connection with the person you’re talking to. You’re also likely asking for a connection that’s a higher level of intimacy than they’re necessarily comfortable with – especially if you weren’t having a strong connection right off the bat. This is an area where slowing your roll is going to be helpful.
One of the reasons why I suggest people participate in hobby groups or find communities or organizations based around their passions is that this gives you an opportunity to meet people and get to know them over time. Taking away the pressure to get a specific result makes it much easier to relax and actually be present and authentic in the interaction. If you’re determined that you need to get a specific outcome – such as getting a date – you’re going to be visibly preoccupied. You are far less likely to be in the moment with this person. Instead, you’re going to be more focused on yourself, planning what you’re going to say next and trying to move the encounter to the desired outcome rather than just enjoying the conversation. Worse, you’re often going to be coming into the conversation convinced that you have to “earn” their interest and approval, rather than trying to get to know them and see if you even vibe with them.
But just as importantly, taking your time and getting to know people by seeing them regularly as part of that group or community works to your advantage. One of the most valuable, but overlooked aspects of dating and attraction is what’s known as the ”propinquity effect” – the tendency to form attractions to and connections with the people we see and interact with often. Not only does exposure generate familiarity, which in turn generates comfort and interest, it also gives everyone the opportunity to get to know each other at a less breakneck pace.
That is incredibly helpful not only for determining whether or not they’re right for you in the first place, but for the two of you to get to know one another and for a connection to grow organically. It’s much easier to say “yes” to adding someone on WhatsApp when you’ve known them for a little while than someone you’ve just met, just as it’s easier to say “yes” to going on a date with someone you’ve gotten to know over a couple of weeks or months than to a relative stranger. It also has the benefit of letting them get to know what makes you uniquely you – something that changes how attractive you are to them.
The third step is to examine your interactions with people in general, especially people you’re interested in. One of the mistakes that people make in terms of personal charisma is not quite understanding that there’s a difference between having positive or attractive characteristics and actually having charisma. The difference is that just having certain characteristics doesn’t make a difference in and of itself; it’s in how those characteristics are used or displayed. It’s the difference between showing and telling – you can tell someone you’re funny, or you can just be funny. You can tell someone you’re adventurous, or you can show all the ways that being adventurous has affected your life.
Humor is a prime example of this. A sense of humor and being able to make people laugh is important, yes; humor is one of the most attractive aspects a person can have. But the difference is in how it’s used. Being able to make people laugh isn’t the same as being charismatic. The Venn diagram has a considerable amount of overlap between the two, but they aren’t one and the same.
There’s a difference between someone who’s funny and someone who’s putting on a performance, for example. Someone can be funny because they’re quick witted or doesn’t take themselves seriously and is willing to fool around and have a good time. That doesn’t feel the same as someone who’s trying to get a laugh; it’s the difference between goofing around with your friends and someone practicing their tight five before their spot at the open mic. Similarly, someone can be funny, but their humor is sardonic or possibly even cruel. Mockery and insults can be funny… but someone whose entire sense of humor is based around punching down or insulting people isn’t going to be in demand as a partner. People may laugh at his jokes, but they’re also going to be wary that they could be the next one to be the focus of his attention.
This is why it’s important to remember that the value of traits like a sense of humor and making people laugh is to make them feel good. We instinctively prioritize our relationships with the people who make us feel good and want to spend more time with them, so you want to focus on how you make people feel. Do people feel warmth and friendliness from you, or do they feel you trying to perform for them? Do they feel good when you’re around because you bring the energy level up? Do they feel energized and have a good time because you help facilitate that good time for them? Or do they feel like you’re someone who doesn’t take anything seriously or possibly even uses humor as a defense mechanism that keeps people at arm’s length? The more you can help someone feel good when you’re around, the more they are going to like you.
The fourth thing to check up on is how you feel about yourself. I can’t emphasize enough that confidence is attractive, but that confidence needs to be meshed with an overall sense of your own worth and attractiveness. I understand that this can be difficult when you’re dealing with frequent rejection, and that can do a number on your ego. However, you need to be willing to believe in your own value and attractiveness regardless of other people’s buy-in, otherwise you will have much harder time actually convincing other folks to see it too.
This isn’t a chicken/egg problem, it’s a “nobody is interested in someone that clearly thinks they’re worthless” problem. You don’t market a product by apologizing for its existence, and you don’t want to treat your interest or attraction to other people as an imposition on them. We’re an empathic species, and the mirror-neuron effect is a thing. People will pick up on the attitude you put out there, almost without realizing it, as a form of emotional contagion. If you’re coming across as someone whose existence is a burden on the world, people are going to accept it as fact. If you’re carrying yourself with the poise and attitude of someone who’s confident and desirable, people are likewise going to see it and feel it.
This means, among other things, dressing in ways that make you feel good and sexy, even if you don’t necessarily fit what you would consider a “conventionally attractive” body type. In fact, it’s especially if you don’t fit that type. It also means carrying yourself with confidence and grace, not apologizing for the crime that you’re inflicting on people’s eyes. It’s not about being delusional, it’s about understanding your worth and being secure in it and not allowing others to define it for you.
This is important because it ties firmly back to how people feel when you’re around. Someone who behaves like they’re a mistake God made or who sees themselves as being in the negative in people’s esteem isn’t going to inspire good times or feelings of fun. Someone who’s confident and sure, who moves with certainty and passion is a lot more pleasant to spend time with than someone who is insecure, uncertain and afraid to take up even the slightest amount of space. And someone who is going to beg your pardon for even thinking that you might be interested in them… well, they’re not going to inspire a lot of passion or spicy thoughts, especially when they ask you out.
The last thing I suggest is to keep a journal and write down your experiences when meeting people and asking them out. Do your best to write it with as much detail as possible, but with as little judgement as you can manage. Avoid speculation or guessing about what you can’t know and stick to just the facts to the best of your ability. Every two weeks and every month, take time to look over your entries and see what leaps out at you. Sometimes we fall into patterns that we can’t see, simply because we’re too close to them. By writing them out and coming back to re-read things later, we can often spot recurring issues that we simply can’t observe in the moment.
I know this is a lot to think about, so I recommend taking a measured and methodical approach, rather than trying to address it all at once. Examining, addressing and eliminating potential issues and sticking points one by one is going to be much easier and more efficient than spreading your attention too broadly and too thinly. It’s much easier to spot a compound issue – where more than one sticking point is coming together to cause a handicap – if you maintain a tighter focus than throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
It’ll take time to check everything and to experiment with possible changes. But I promise you: it’ll be time well spent… especially when it helps turn your love life around.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I’m writing in with a question to a problem I never expected to have: Am I wrong to be worried that going sober will hurt/is hurting my marriage? It’s not causing us distress yet but it’s certainly creating obstacles and I can see things getting worse as time goes by.
My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 4. One of the things that has always brought us together is that we’ve always enjoyed an active and robust night life and entertaining. We liked going out to fancy cocktail lounges or interesting bars, hosting parties at our place or inviting friends over and we’d make them a nice dinner. We used to joke that we were very Nick and Nora Charles coded, except we have two cats and a conure, not a dog.
Earlier this year, after a close call that I don’t want to get into, I finally had to admit that I have a problematic relationship with alcohol and intoxicants in general. And after I accepted that I can’t be a functional alcoholic or limit my intake, I’ve had to go completely sober. I’ve got a support network, I’m going to meetings, doing the steps, all of that.
But my wife doesn’t need to go into recovery with me. She’s always been much better at knowing her limits and keeping things under control. And this is where things are starting to be stressful. It wasn’t until I had to go completely sober – no California sober for me – that I realized how much our lives revolved around alcohol and drinks. Most of our social life, our date nights, everything involves drinking to one degree or another. And while my wife and my friends are all supportive of my wanting to stay sober, I’m worried that this is going to cause a serious strain.
Right now our social lives have come to a halt because as I said, it all involves drinking and we’re trying to figure out how to work around that. I don’t want my wife to be forced into a shut-in’s existence just because of me, but it feels like we’re currently severely limited in what options are available to us. She’s said she wants to support me in however she can, but I can tell she’s feeling tense about how little we do now. Is there any hope that we’re going to get through this and find a new lifestyle that isn’t going to threaten my recovery but also not cause us to split up? Is there some way to keep our social life active but without risking my falling off the wagon? I don’t feel like I’m at risk of being tempted to drink again if we go to a bar, but I’m also trying to follow the rules for my sobriety and I don’t want to put myself in a position where I might slip up.
How Dry I Am
The first rule of solving problems is to not make more problems where there aren’t any already. You say at the top of your letter that this hasn’t been a problem yet… so stop trying to manifest one out of sheer potential.
The issue you’re dealing with right now is that you’re at or near the beginning of a major lifestyle change. You don’t say how long you’ve been in recovery, but seeing as it’s been less than a year, I think it’s safe to say that you’re still in the adjustment phase. It’s not that different than if you had to change your diet because you were diagnosed with Celiac disease or had to keep strict control over your cholesterol; you’re fighting against years, if not nearly a lifetime of habits and behaviors. That’s going to take some time to get through, and the best thing you can do is grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through to the other side.
Paradoxically, this is often the “easy” part. That is, it’s not easy to actually make the changes or endure them, but it’s much easier for you and your wife to want to endure it and put up with the struggle. It’s the part where the virtue seems the most obvious, when it’s easiest to say “no, I’m going to resist the temptation to backslide because this needs to be done.”
Think of it this way: this is like starting a workout routine. You’re getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to go jogging or to hit the gym. It’s awful, but you can justify the awfulness in a sort of Spartan way – it’s the price you’re choosing to pay for getting fit and healthy, the frustration is part of the process, it’s making you stronger mentally as well as physically and so on.
And this is a workout routine of sorts; the muscle you’re training and strengthening is your willpower.
It’s when the bloom is off the metaphorical rose and the virtue doesn’t seem so shiny and special that it becomes more of a headache. And that’s coming down the pike pretty damn fast.
See, you’re giving up a source of dopamine and a routine that your brain and body have been used to for years and years. And that means that before long, your brain is going to fight back. Because our brains are lazy and want that expected, routine dopamine delivery, it’s going to fight your attempts to deprive it. So at some point in the near future, you’re going to be hit with what’s known as an “extinction burst” – the point where your brain is so afraid that you’re going to break this routine forever that it floods you with cravings for what you’ve given up.
That’s the part where you’re more likely to say “well… what could it hurt?”. And to make matters worse, you’re not the only one who’s going to experience this. If your wife has been going cold turkey in support, she’s going to get similar, frustrating and nagging urges to at least get back to the routine that she was used to. And that’s where you’re most likely to encounter strain in your relationship.
Now that doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. It just means that you’re going to have to figure out ways to accommodate what can feel like conflicting, even mutually exclusive desires. They don’t have to be conflicting, mind you; it will just require some creativity and mutual accommodation to make it all work without threatening your sobriety.
One thing that can help is if you can figure out what, precisely, you miss about drinking, besides the literal alcohol. Many times, part of what people miss when giving up any vice is the routine – lighting up a cigarette at certain times of the day, mixing drinks for yourself and your wife before settling in to watch a movie, going out to dinner and drinks on a Saturday night. It can be helpful to find ways to keep the ritual in your life, but without the booze component.
Other times, it could be the tangible aspects that you miss, such as how people who give up soda often miss the sensation of carbonation and the mouth feel of the bubbles or the tang of the caffeine on the tongue. Having something that can replace those sensations or those tactile aspects can make it easier to resist when you’re flooded with urges to relapse.
There’re a few options, if you’re of a mind. One is to see if there are sober bars in your city. These aren’t terribly common, but they’re starting to crop up in major cities – bars that don’t serve alcohol, for people who want the social aspects of drinking but don’t want to deal with the temptation that might cause them to relapse.
Another is to look into making non-alcoholic ‘mocktails’ when you’re at home – these can provide the ritual of measuring, pouring, shaking and stirring, the heft of a rocks glass or the particular sensation of a chilled Collins glass with a mix of sparkling water, tart cherry and lime juice. This would allow you to continue hosting friends and parties at your place. The familiar routine combined with the tactile sensations and flavors can help fill the void, while not risking your sobriety in the process.
There’re even a number of distilleries that specialize in non-alcoholic spirits – drinks that taste the same (or, to be honest, similar-ish) to whiskey, gin or mixed drinks like old fashioneds and gin and tonics. It’s a little akin to eating vegetarian bacon or Impossible burgers instead of meat; they’re not quite the same but getting closer every day. And often “close enough” can be what helps you knuckle through the times when the temptation is getting hard to resist.
When you’re further along in your recovery and you’re confident that you’re not likely to be tempted, you can even continue going out to dinner or having nights out on the town. Many bars and restaurants are starting to incorporate a variety of non-alcoholic mixed drinks into their menus to accommodate people who don’t want alcohol but don’t just want water, soda or juice instead.
I would also strongly suggest talking to your wife about the ways that she can help support your sobriety, while also having carve-outs for her so that she isn’t forced into giving up so much of her social life, too. Having permission to go out with friends on occasion – especially if you don’t want to put yourself in temptation’s path – can help her keep from feeling unfair resentment over a change that you clearly needed to make.
It’s a rough path to walk, I realize, and it can put a strain on things, especially as you realize all the ways that alcohol has been central to your life. But it won’t do you any good to create problems where there aren’t any yet. Start finding ways to adjust and fill some of those voids now, while it’s still relatively easy and make plans for what you’ll both do when it starts to get hard. Remember: you’re both part of the same team here, and supporting each other is a big part of making that team work. Sometimes that’s going to mean giving things up for one another’s benefit. Other times, it’s going to mean being willing to let your partner do things that you can’t, so that they can continue to help you with the things that you can.
Good luck.
