Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
Dear Doc, I guess you could say I’m a success story, but in a way that I don’t think I ever actually wanted. I’m 24, male, recent-ish college grad making his way in a big city in the Midwest. When I was in college, I had the world’s biggest crush on a classmate of mine, “Angel”. She was funny, smart, incredibly compassionate and yes, cute as cute could be. I knew I was falling for her in part because she reached out to me when I was a lonely new student – having transferred to my new school after a year of community college, coming in at a time when it seemed like everyone had found their niche and their group.
While Angel was instrumental for helping me find my place in school and making it possible for me to find my circle of friends (which, I should make clear for reasons that will be relevant later, had overlap with but was mostly separate from hers), we were almost inseparable. I thought, with reason (and encouragement from my friends) that my attraction to Angel was mutual. One night when we were watching a concert on the quad, I swallowed my nerves, told her how I felt and moved in for a kiss. To this day I would swear in court that she was giving signs of wanting to be kissed, but when we did she pulled back nad said that she thought we were friends and that was it.
I was obviously hurt and heartbroken, but I accepted it. I apologized for my presumption, told her I was fine with being friends and then did my best to mean it. It took a year of distance before I could honestly say that I was over her and we started to hang out together again. It wasn’t quite the together-all-the-time that it had been previously since I was spending more time with my friends, but she was still a special friend in my life. Emphasis on the world “friend”.
After graduation, we stayed in contact over the Internet, even if we didn’t talk as often – mostly chatting in Instagram DMs and sending goofie pics of what we were up to, my dog, her cat, that sort of thing. It came as a complete surprise to me when Angel told me that she got a job in my city and asked if we could grab a drink since it’d been a while since we saw each other in person.
That drink turned into dinner the next night, a movie the week after and regular bi-weekly hang outs. Then she dropped the bomb on me: while she was surprised by my making a move that night, she wasn’t entirely opposed to dating but wasn’t in a place where she was ready to date anyone. Now she was interested in possibly giving it a try and how did I feel about that?
Doctor, as God is my witness, I don’t know how I feel about this. I wasn’t kidding when I said I got over her and let my crush fade. In the time since I made a fool out of myself over her, I had a series of short, casual relationships and a relationship that lasted a couple of years before we split. I’ve been casually seeing a couple of women since I moved here but I’m still single and to be honest, I haven’t been looking for more than that.
I am being real with you when I say that I’m confused. Not about why now or anything but how I actually feel and what I should do about this. On the one hand, I feel like taking her up on this would be a mistake; I spent a lot of time and effort getting over her and I legitimately wanted a friendship with her and while I still think Angel is both hot and great, my crush did go away. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that feels like I almost owe it to myself to take this chance that I would’ve sacrificed a pinkie for back in college.
Am I an asshole if I date her because I used to have a crush on her but don’t really know how I feel now? Is it better if I say that we should stay friends? Should I keep the option if my feelings change, or would that be cruel to her in some way that I’m not aware of? I feel like this is a relationship I shouldn’t go into if I’m not 100% sure because of how things went back then and also because she’s an important person in my life. The time I spent trying to get over her was hell and I missed her horribly and I’d hate to have that be permanent because we actually tried to date and things didn’t work.
A dream I had in college came true and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not and it’s confusing the everloving life out of me. What do I do?
Second Chances Do Happen
Credit where credit is due, SCDH: it’s not very often I hear from someone who is upset he got out of the Friend Zone. So I hope you’re prepared to hear from people who are going to be pissed off that you’re living their dreams while they’re still trying to get over their Oneitis and don’t get why this opportunity is being wasted on you…
(Standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone; there are just people who don’t want to date or fuck you.)
OK, joking aside: your weird and confusing feelings are understandable. If you’ll forgive an awkward comparison, it’s a little like when you’ve made your peace with a significant impending loss, you’ve said your goodbyes, you’re getting ready to move forward with your life and then surprise! You’ve got more time than you thought. Now you’re in a weird place of being both relieved and immensely grateful while also worrying that saying goodbye a second time is going to be even worse because you’ll be ripping open a wound that was starting to heal.
It’s also a bit of an insight into what it feels like when you are the one dealing with that unexpected love confession; it’s a disruption to what you thought was your status quo and you’re honestly worried about making a mistake and losing everything you currently have. And in your case, specifically, it’s almost like a regression; you feel like it might be undoing the growth you made in the time between then and now.
Now, as someone who’s gotten out of the Friend Zone multiple times, I have some perspective on this. One thing that’s worth acknowledging that the reason why things didn’t happen in the past was because you weren’t the people you needed to be for it to happen. If you were right for each other at the time and the time were right, then nothing would’ve stopped the two of you from being the epic romance you imagined. You weren’t, which is why it didn’t happen… but that person (or people, really) always existed in potentia; it just took time and growth to bring them into existence.
The next thing to understand is that what you’re looking at isn’t a chance to have the relationship you dreamed about when you were in college; you’re not the person you were back then and neither is Angel. You’re very different from back then, with more years of experience and perspective under your belts… and hopefully a commensurate amount of wisdom in the process. So what you could have with her isn’t what you would’ve had back then; it’s entirely different because you’re both different. That’s why the best way to think of this is as an entirely new relationship, where you’re going to be getting to know the new person that you’ve both grown into.
The third thing to understand is that while your fear of ruining things and losing your friendship is understandable… it’s just fear. You got a taste of it back in the day, when you had to distance yourself from her, and it clearly burned like acid. It’s no surprise that you don’t want to go through that again, except multiplied because maybe this time there’ll be no coming back from it. But that’s just anxiety talking, and anxiety’s entire job is to protect you from potential threats. It’s not meant to be logical or sensible, it’s to keep you “safe”… and safe doesn’t necessarily mean or even include “being happy”.
But if you look at things a little more dispassionately, then you should see that you don’t have as much to fear as you think. Consider: when you were in college, you had the maturity and self-awareness to step back from her in order to manage your feelings and were able to reconnect in a genuine and honest way when you were finally ready. You conducted yourself with integrity back then, when so many people would lie to their crush (or to themselves) in order to hold onto false hope. That’s no small thing. And the fact that you were able to reconnect and rekindle your friendship twice now, after time apart, says just how strong your connection is with one another.
I’m not here to tell you how you feel, just that your fears aren’t prophecy. The confusion is understandable, but it’s framed in thinking of who you were back then, not who you are now and what you have now.
I think you should give yourself time to really think things through before you make a decision – how you feel now, not how felt back then or how you might feel in the future. You clearly have chemistry, you’re clearly both still attracted to one another and the same qualities that make you such good friends serve well in a romantic connection. But that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do anything about that attraction if you don’t want to.
Now if you want my advice? I think it’s worth giving it a shot. I would just suggest taking it slow; you’re not the college student with an all-consuming crush any more, and you have more experience under your belt. There’s no need to leap into anything here, whether it’s commitment or even just into bed. If you both treat this as dating someone new and seeing if there’s enough there to pursue things… I think you’ll both feel a lot more comfortable and secure in what comes next for your relationship. Whatever form that relationship may take.
Good luck.
I need help dealing with my ex. Who’s also my girlfriend. And also my ex. And also my girlfriend.
“Mirabelle” and I have been in what could be called an on-again, off-again relationship for several years now. Our “relationship” follows the same pattern ever since we first started dating: our chemistry is massive and we can’t stay away from each other or keep our hands off each other. I’m talking real “teenagers sneaking off to make out in the closet” stuff and it feels amazing. But before long we start fighting like a pair of feral cats, just tearing strips off each other. It’s never violent but it’s loud, it’s often vicious and we go away hurt and swearing that we’ll never talk to each other ever again.
Then, because we have too many mutual friends, interests and professional connections, we end up seeing each other again at some event or another. We’re coldly polite when we have to see each other the first time, then the second time we’ve snuck off to fuck in the backseat of my car or make out behind the building. This continues until we reach the part where we start yelling at each other after a few months and we break up, swearing never to talk to each other again. Then the cycle repeats.
I know that you’re already about to say what I already know, that this is unhealthy and I should avoid her. I would but we live in a town that could be the definition of “small town”, and all those mutual connections mean that running into one another is inevitable, so even going no-contact doesn’t help. And while we both know that every time we see each other it’s going to end badly, when we are in the same place all those problems seem to disappear and we’re just having the most mindblowing sex, which I’ve never had with any of the other people I’ve dated in between things.
When I’m not in the “on again” part of the cycle, I know that it’s a bad idea and we can never work. The problem is that we can’t seem to remember that when we see each other and it’s not like other people have ever been able to match the passion we have when it’s on. How do I break this cycle so that maybe we can move on and also stop annoying our friends with the drama?
Trapped In A Telenovela
It’s clear that you two have incredibly powerful chemistry, TIAT. That part’s undeniable. But here’s the thing: chemistry may be what keeps you banging like weasels in heat, but a chemical reaction (as it were) isn’t the same as compatibility. Chemistry, after all, is also what makes things explode. Messily and all over the place.
The two of you have a violent chemical reaction, sure, and you can keep things reacting for a while, but that reaction means that things are going to build up into the volatile climax… er, as it were. And you both know it, because it keeps happening; time and age hasn’t exactly mellowed either of you out.
After all, most people only need to touch the stove once before they learn that they’re going to get burned. At this point, you’ve touched it so many times that you don’t have finger prints left and you’re moving onto your feet. So I think an important question would be: if you both know this is how things are going to end, why do you keep going back?
I realize the easy answer is “because the sex is wild”. God knows I – and many, many other people – have made the mistake of going back to someone who’s very wrong for you. You may know, intellectually, that it’s a mistake but when the clothes start coming off, suddenly all those very good reasons not to just seem to vanish. But I think it’s more than that. After all, if that were the case, the answer would be simple: crank one out before you go some place where you might see her or before you decide to unblock her number again. Some pre-emptive post-nut clarity does a lot for preventing bad decisions based on dickful thinking.
But I think the real issue is that there’s something you get from this relationship that you’re not getting elsewhere. And I suspect that what you’re getting is drama. While you’re with Mirablelle, you’re both walking a razor’s edge. You both know that this is going to end and end badly, but the path to getting there is exciting; it’s the risk, playing the game of “how close can I get to the fire before I get burned”. And even when you do reach the point of no return and you’re ripping into each other, it’s still exciting. Your adrenaline is up, your pulses are pounding and everything is heightened. I bet you feel alive in ways that you don’t feel at any other time.
This is why my bet is that the thing you’re missing is excitement in your life. Yeah the sex is incredible and the orgasms make you feel like you’re seeing the face of God, but the real draw is that you feel alive in ways that you don’t when you’re not with her. It’s the same reason why a lot of people with poor boundaries end up in relationships with drama bombs. The drama means that they’re constantly being shaken up out of the normal and forcing them out of boredom. The bomb may be blowing up everything in their lives, but damn if you don’t feel alive during the explosion.
So, sex aside, I think what you need to do is take a long hard look at your life and your lifestyle in particular. How satisfied are you with it, really? Do you feel like every day is exactly the same and the only time you look forward to things is when you’re with Mirabelle? Do you feel trapped or stuck in a rut? Do you have other things in your life that provide even a sliver of the excitement or vitality you feel when you’re gearing up for the next run of this particular rogue-like relationship?
If the answer is “no”… well, I think that’s your clue. While I don’t think you need to go full adrenaline-junkie or decide to blow up everything in your life for the sake of the explosion, I think finding other ways to get that excitement is going to be a lot healthier than hot sex and hotter tempers. You need to look for ways of getting that thrill that are considerably healthier and don’t leave you picking up the pieces of your tattered heart and ego and putting you into recovery until you do it all over again.
To be clear, this doesn’t need to be a 1-to-1 match in terms of drama, excitement and adrenaline. You don’t need to suddenly decide it’s time to get into skydiving or underwater cave exploration to avoid falling dick-first into Mirablelle. But I think finding things that you’re passionate about and bring excitement into your life will fill the lack in healthier ways. Things that get your heart rate and adrenaline up – competition, exercise, sports, performance – all will give similar thrills and heightened feelings. Maybe it’s time to look into an amateur sports league or take up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Or maybe you could look into getting into something like bike racing or running triathlons, where you’ll be in competition not just with your fellow athletes but also your personal capabilities. Travel and adventure – going on photo safaris, visiting Ankor Wat, camping in the Wadi Rum, even just white water rafting or hiking down the trails in the Grand Canyon – can also give you that sense of excitement and drama you feel are missing.
Or you could just accept the relationship with Mirabelle for what it is. If you recognize and acknowledge it as being just short term and physical and recognize that it’s going to end the way it always ends, while not investing more of yourself than you would with a casual hook-up, you may be able to enjoy it more. Even if it drives your friends to madness.
My advice, though? Find your way to move forward without her. Mirabelle is, in her way, a little like a drug; exciting in the moment but the comedown is always a nightmare and the risk of becoming over reliant on it is high. Some folks can manage their usage and never let it become a problem; others can’t. Considering how “powerless” you both seem to be (don’t think I didn’t notice all the passive-voice in your letter), I think you’re the latter, not the former.
Find the ways to meet those needs that don’t involve blowing up your life and self-worth every six months. It’ll be a hell of a lot healthier for you… and even it’ll mean that your friends don’t have to watch yet more reruns of the TIAT/Mirabelle show.
Good luck.
