They’re nothing new, but relationships in which partners are visibly far apart in age still tend to draw stares and sneers, despite the existence of these relationships throughout history.
Age-gap relationships are often depicted in pop culture as comedic, hypersexualized or exploitative. Susan Winter, relationship expert and author of “Older Women/Younger Men,” compares the judgment that age-gap couples face to other relationships that were deemed unacceptable in latter days, such as interracial and same-sex couples.
“Whenever we see something that appears inappropriate or different, we want to make it bad or wrong, so we’ll slap on labels,” Winter said. “Oftentimes, it’s, ‘Oh, she’s got control issues. She has a mommy thing going on. He’s an opportunist.’ That may be in some cases of age-gap relationships. Admittedly, there is a power imbalance. But what we’re finding is that there are a growing number of people who don’t look for this; they just find somebody, and they continue to talk to them, and they connect. They weren’t noticing age — they were noticing the similarities. This is what we tend to ignore when we see couples that are visually outside of the love models that we’re accustomed to.”
Older men dating younger women has been the norm throughout history and is in the zeitgeist today with couples like Bill Belichick and Jordon Hudson or Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor. But the older women and younger men relationship is having its moment in the spotlight, with movies like Nicole Kidman’s “Babygirl” and “The Idea of You” with Anne Hathaway highlighting the dynamic, alongside streaming shows like Netflix’s “Age of Attraction.”
Although this particular relationship structure has always been around and available, Dr. Lee Kinsey said it’s become even more prevalent as women have gained economic independence.
“This really changes a lot of power dynamics between lovers,” said Dr. Kinsey, who is a clinician, educator, and certified sex therapist. “We’re seeing women feeling much more empowered to make choices for themselves in their relationships where maybe historically they prioritized economic security, but now they can prioritize other things like sexuality, fun, romance — things that maybe traditionally men had more access to because of how economically stable they were.”
Winter, who was formerly in a 20-year age-gap relationship, echoed the sentiment, saying that as a woman matures and becomes more stable, she’s able to look for more than just financial stability in a partner.
“She’s able to look for resonance,” Winter said. “‘Where do I feel alive? Who has my interests? Who has the kind of emotional maturity that I can enjoy and maybe greater conversation?’ She gets to grow. She gets to explore who she is.”
Both Winter and Dr. Kinsey said age-gap relationships between consenting adults can also offer lessons in self-development and resilience for all partners involved.
“If they’re not resilient, they don’t survive,” Dr. Kinsey said. “[Age-gap couples] are often getting bombarded by questions from people. I do think it gets easier as they age, as time goes on and these age differentials look different. But I do think that in order to survive, that resilience is necessary most of the time.”
Instead of judgment, Dr. Kinsey and Winter suggest keeping an open mind and listening to the stories of those in age-gap relationships.
“People really fear that these relationships are exploitative in some way. And I think that that is a myth,” Dr. Kinsey said. “I understand where that fear comes from, but I also understand that these age-gap relationships are often very interesting and special in the sense that they do provide people a sense of power and agency that other relationships often are building together.”
And Winter said it’s important to consider why the relationship continues to be so taboo, as it’s pointing to a bigger issue of how older women are viewed in society today.
“I think for me, as the older woman, it’s really a question of a woman’s worth,” Winter said. “When we question, ‘Why does he want her?’ we’ve just erased the totality of who she is as a person. And what we’re still saying in this time period is, ‘Yeah, you’re OK, but who wants you when you’re older and you’ve got some wrinkles?’ So the whole backlash of why we’re even talking about this is that we question that a woman can be worthy as she ages.”
Guests
- Susan Winter, relationship expert and bestselling author of “Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance.”
- Dr. Lee Kinsey, PhD, LMHC, CST, founder and clinical director of Kinsey & Associates, adjunct faculty member at Boston University, clinician, educator, and AASECT certified sex therapist
