Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
I’m stuck in a mental doom loop and I don’t know how to break out of it. I’m your stereotypical twenty something three-time loser – dead end job, no girlfriend, living at home. That’s bad enough, but I can’t stop looking at other people my age who’ve got it better than me. I see people who have everything I want and I know I’ll never be as good as them.
Worse, I can’t even pretend that they had a head start or advantages that I didn’t have. I come from a solid, stable middle class family, my parents love me and raised me in a supportive environment, I went to college and graduated with good grades and all of that. But even my younger brother has lapped me; he was a varsity athlete in high school and star soccer player in college, he’s got a job waiting for him before he even graduates and he’s always been popular with girls, so he’s always had a girlfriend.
I simply don’t know how I can look at these people who are doing so much better than me, even people who just have their shit together in ways that I don’t and not feel anything but despair. People who had it worse than me have surpassed me and the people who had it better are so far ahead of me that they may as well be in orbit in comparison.
How do I stop feeling like I’m doomed and there’s just no way for me to catch up?
Not Even First Place Loser
There’s a phrase that I bring up often, NEFPL: “Comparison is the thief of joy”. The idea behind it, and the reason I refer to it so often, is how comparing yourself to others mostly serves to make you feel bad about yourself. It makes you downplay your own successes and accomplishments because they’re not the same or better than the people you compare yourself to, and focusing on that difference only robs you of any pride and satisfaction in what you have done.
So, it’s safe to say that I’ve been pretty down on comparing yourself to others and positioned it as being a bad thing that you should avoid.
Well, here’s where I eat my words and modify my stance: comparison isn’t inherently bad. Like many things in life, it’s what that comparison is in service to. Comparison can be the thief of joy because it’s in the name of bringing yourself down. You’re using it as the scourge to flagellate yourself like a penitent monk for not being as “successful” (for suitably arbitrary definitions of “success”) as other people.
It can also be used as inspiration.
Long-time readers of my column have heard me talk about my friend Miles, someone who I will freely admit to having been intensely envious of. He was talented, athletic, effortlessly charming and delightful and handsome to boot. When he was around, all the rest of us may as well have been invisible to women. To make matters worse, he’s genuinely one of the nicest, friendliest and sweetest people I know.
I love him like a brother and I resented him terribly because it seemed like everything I struggled with came effortlessly to him, and I felt like I could never be on his level.
That lasted until the day I realized that “being good with girls” wasn’t a binary – you were or you weren’t – that you were born into. It was a skillset that you could learn. And if these were just skills, that meant I could learn them. And if I could learn them, then resenting Miles was not just pointless but counterproductive.
While there were some areas where he had advantages I never would – mostly revolving around his interests and hobbies being more mainstream than mine and my theretofore undiagnosed ADHD – Miles had just learned those lessons earlier than I did. That was it. That changed how I looked at the world; I still envied Miles and others, but I could see them and say “I’d like to be like him” with hope instead of despair.
He became inspiration. I wouldn’t ever be exactly like him – because I’m not him – but I could see him as someone to look up to and use as a basis of positive comparison. I could say “OK, what can I learn here” or “I’m not quite getting something, how would Miles handle this?” or “what qualities does he have that I can learn and incorporate into myself?”
It’s not that different from any number of shonen manga and anime, where the protagonist’s best friend is also their rival – the two of them competing but also supporting one another and encouraging each other to improve and get better; their goal may be “I’m going to win out over you”, but it’s also “I want you to be at your best because you motivate me to be my best”.
Miles certainly wasn’t the only person I took inspiration from, but he was the first time I really understood how much resentment and envy were getting in my way and blinding me to potential. Plus, let’s be real here: that knot of resentment wasn’t great for our friendship. Letting go of that bitterness became a big part of how I was able to improve and learn. Recognizing that his accomplishments didn’t take anything away from me helped me figure out my own path and how to be happier with who I was, rather than being upset about who I wasn’t.
All of this is to say: the issue here isn’t that comparing yourself to others is inherently bad. It’s that you’re using it to beat yourself up and to reaffirm your helplessness. What it should be is a source of inspiration and encouragement. You need to change the story you’re telling yourself about your relationship with them. You’re not “behind” them because you’re not in competition with them; you’re doing your own thing, completely separate from them. But while you may be doing your own thing, taking the things about them that you admire – and yes, reframing it as admiration is important – can help spur you on so that you can find your version of those qualities. You want to look at them and say “I want to be more like them, so how do I get there?”
And you can get there. One of the biggest roadblocks to improvement is believing that it’s not possible. Having someone to look up to, someone you aspire to be like can be powerful, positive motivation. And not to be all woo-woo-send-out-the-right-vibes, but positive motivation is far, far more effective than bitterness and resentment. Spite is only useful when used against the people who’ve earned it, the people who’ve tried to hold you back or force you down. The people who are out there, simply existing? They haven’t earned it, and that resentment is often just how you feel about yourself, reflected outwards.
Look at those people, including your younger brother. Acknowledge the envy, but change it into admiration. Look at them and say “well, if I want to be like them, let’s find ways to make that happen” instead of “I wish you did worse so I don’t feel as bad about myself.” Be proud of what they’ve accomplished and let that motivate you to reach higher and work harder and to keep striving, even when you struggle, stumble and fall.
Comparison may be the thief of joy, but it doesn’t have to be. It can also be the inspiration that reminds you that you can do more and be more than you’ve allowed yourself to believe. Like the man says: you can win if you dare.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I’ve got a bit of a weird one here and I’m really hoping for some third-party insight on this. Earlier in the year, I had this very vivid dream involving an ex-girlfriend, who I’ll refer to as J. In the dream, J and I had run into one another while out shopping; we talked briefly about how we should meet and catch up sometime, went our separate ways, and then I woke up. I know it’s not super uncommon to dream about an ex, but I haven’t seen/spoken to J since 2011; I’ve barely even thought of her in all this time. My now wife and I started dating a year later and have been married since 2016. Life moved on for both of us. So, while I was initially frazzled by this dream, I wrote it off as nothing more than stress.
The thing is though, now I *keep* dreaming about her. There’s an entire dream realm subplot happening in my head whenever I fall asleep. We’ve met up regularly in the dreams; there’s been a lot of talks about how we’ve grown as people, we’ve hashed out past differences and apologized for shortcomings. It’s important to note that none of these instances feel like dreams either; they feel incredibly real while they’re happening and whenever I wake up and snap back to reality, my entire day feels off.
Then this week, my mind got a little creative and decided to take the subplot on a more romantic/passionate route. In the dream, we’d planned a weekend trip as friends and well, one thing led to another and you can fill in the missing pieces. Like other dreams, this too felt very real. I remember that distinct butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach when we kissed for the first time; all the sparks came rushing back in. And admittedly, I had rather mixed emotions when I woke up.
I’m upset and annoyed that my brain keeps doing this because seriously, what the hell man. But then I also feel this weird sense of mourning for a situation that was never real to begin with. All week I’ve been in a heavy depression spiral over this and I’m having a really difficult time logically thinking my way out of this. I’m fully aware that this is not and will not ever be a reality… but that’s not making any of the emotions subside. And now I’m worried what the next dreams are going to bring.
Don’t worry – I haven’t reached out to her. I don’t know if this is my brain being dumb and extremely delayed about the lack of closure we had, some weird response to my wife and I having a rocky marriage, or some bizarre space time alternate reality scenario where we’re meeting up in our dreams. Whatever the case, I don’t want to wake up feeling like this when it happens again.
What the hell do I do about this, Doc?
-Dream-Crossed Ex-Lover
As someone who has incredibly vivid and strange dreams, including literal serial dreams (that frustratingly never reached a conclusion because they experienced technical difficulties), let me reassure you: dreams are just freaking weird, my guy. We don’t fully understand why we dream, but it’s generally agreed that dreams are a little like de-fragging a hard drive – it’s how our brains process and sort all the information, experiences, emotions, consolidate information and just deal with shit.
There’re a lot of theories about the whys and wherefores of it all, and how that causes dreams to be the way they are. One prevailing theory, for example, is that some dreams are about dealing with negative or traumatic experiences in ‘safe’ ways. They may still be scary, but in the way horror movies are scary – a form of catharsis born out of powerful emotions, but without actual danger, no matter how it may feel at the time.
Another theory is that some dreams are a way of preparing ourselves for challenges and situations that we encounter (or anticipate encountering) in our waking lives, especially ones that will be difficult or emotionally fraught – a sort of “stress rehearsal” if you will.
Still other theories are that some dreams are ways of us confronting issues that we haven’t fully resolved or are nagging at us, while others are like compiling and analyzing memories. And sometimes dreams can just be stories that we are telling ourselves.
(I mean, if dreams are about dealing with anxieties or coping with trauma, I’d love to know what trauma involved my trying to get Commander Riker to help with a plague of zombies that came about because I stole a cursed object…)
It may help to think of dreams as being similar to AI hallucinations, with the parts of our brain that control imagination and memory cobbling together bits and pieces in ways that may not make logical sense – especially when combined with elevated dopamine production during sleep, which have been linked to hallucinations in some studies. So you may dream about things that you would never do in real life, but feel real and natural because of how they’re strung together.
Now why are you having these dreams? I honestly can’t say. Like I’m always reminding folks, Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor, so the best you’re going to get is my playing armchair psychologist and pulling guesses out of the ether.
If you want my uneducated guess, I would say that there are three likely causes that are all intertwining. You actually hit on the first likely cause: your subconscious is addressing not just lingering issues with J that had never been resolved, and you end up giving yourself closure by finally having those conversations you never actually had. It serves as a way for you to finally draw the curtain on things that may have been lingering like a bad smell, and thus let it all go.
But that leads into the second likelihood: that these dreams are also wrapped up in stresses in your current relationship. Dreams are very rarely literal or logical, and whatever consistent symbolism we see may be more influenced by culture than some universal archetype that we tap into. So, while you may be seeing J in the dream, what you may be addressing are feelings or issues you’re experiencing with your wife. The fact that it seems to involve your ex may mean that there are echoes of what you experienced with her… or it could just be because brains are weird and do weird shit. Sometimes you dream about your teeth falling out because you’ve got anxiety and sometimes you do it because teeth falling out is just really disturbing.
But it’s also good to remember that dreams can also be influenced by what we think and see and feel during the day. If you’ve ever had dreams that were similar to something you had watched on TV or a movie you’d seen that day, then you’ve experienced this before. The fact that you’re really dwelling on those previous dreams of J may well up the ante that you’re going to have more dreams about her, especially if you’re really ruminating on the feelings they bring up.
Now, how do you stop having these dreams? That part’s trickier, because we may be able to influence them, but it’s very hard to control our dreams. Reams and reams of studies and books have been written about lucid dreaming, for example, but achieving any sort of lucidity tends to involve a great deal of practice and preparation – not necessarily helpful if you’re trying to make sure you don’t dream about her tonight.
There are a couple ways of suppressing your memory of your dreams, usually via chemical enhancement. THC is notorious for fogging up short-term memory, so smoking a joint or popping an edible before bed makes it more likely that you’re not going to remember those dreams in the morning. Similarly, alcohol is often disruptive to REM sleep, which will likewise affect the odds that you’ll remember your dreams the next day… just at the cost of the quality of your sleep. But to be perfectly frank, neither of these would be great for long-term use like this. At best, you’d be kicking the can down the road and hoping that your subconscious latches onto something else.
I suspect that part of the problem is that you keep thinking about these dreams, which is why you keep having them. Like I said, our dreams can be influenced by what we think, feel or experience during the day, but trying to not think of J is going to have the opposite effect. It’s a lot like being told not to think of an elephant; suddenly it’s the only thing you have everthought.
So my suggestion would be to take a page from mindfulness meditation. During the day, instead of trying to force yourself to not think about those dreams and the feelings they bring up, you should note them, name them and just redirect your attention to something else. When you find yourself thinking about the dreams or how you feel, just say “oh, right, those dreams. Those are freaking weird,” and gently turn your attention to something more pressing and immediate.
Meanwhile, when you’re laying in bed, after you’ve turned the lights out… tell yourself a story. Close your eyes, relax and just gently nudge your imagination in a direction of your choice. Maybe you want to replay scenes from your favorite movie. Maybe you’ll want to imagine how Dungeon Crawler Carl would play out if you were in the dungeon too. Maybe you’ll decide to “fix” an unsatisfying episode of a TV series you like. Don’t try to force it and don’t accidentally jar yourself awake if you realize that your imagination has gone off into an entirely different direction; you’re just giving your dreaming brain something different to chew on while you sink into sleep.
Between letting the tension and anxiety surrounding them dissipate and giving yourself something else to focus on, hopefully you’ll have a less stressful night’s sleep. And hey who knows? By giving yourself the dream equivalent of the Alamo Drafthouse pre-show, you’ll be primed to notice that you aredreaming and be able to change things around if J does show up again.
Good luck.
