Estimated reading time: 20 minutes
I’ve been with my girlfriend, “Samantha”, for four years now. For the first two years, it was great. I would have told you it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, definitely the first I ever had that I would consider serious or having long-term potential. Not that I had many, anyway.
If you’d asked me by the end of that second year, I would’ve told you that I was starting to think about when and how I would propose.
By the third year, I was starting to think maybe there was something wrong with me because I was not as happy being with Samantha and things were going wrong.
Now it’s the middle of the fourth year with her and there’s nothing I want more than to be out of this relationship.
I don’t know if I missed the signs in those first two years or what, but over time, Samantha changed and our relationship changed with it. She would swing between being very lovey-dovey and upset, often randomly or so it seemed to me. I had to travel for work a lot and she would insist, INSIST that I had to call her every night I was out of town and talk for hours before she would be happy. If I didn’t call when she expected, I got bombarded with texts and angry voice memos demanding to know where I was. If I was telling her that I had to get to sleep because it was 2 AM where I was and I had to get to a meeting at 8 the next morning, she would cry and ask why I don’t love her the way she loves me.
Soon, she was getting upset when I would spend time with my friends instead of with her. My time apart from her was strictly regulated, like I was on parole and she was my parole officer. And if I missed a check-in, oh the hell that I would deal with for the next two days. My friends even noticed how much my energy would change when Samantha came up.
It only got worse, with tantrums (yes, tantrums) and outbursts became public humiliation, where she would make a scene while we were out if she thought I wasn’t being suitably attentive or did something she found less than respectful, constant harangues when we were alone and vague threats of self-harm or just going off to find herself some guy who would “treat her like she deserves”.
You may be asking why I didn’t break up with her. Well, keep asking because I don’t know either and that’s the problem.
I thought there was a point where things might finally end. I was getting transferred across the country to help manage the setup and opening of my company’s west coast office, and I was going to have to move there for at least six months, if not permanently. Since Samantha couldn’t, or really, could but didn’t want to, move with me because of her work and commitments here, I thought this might be an opportunity for us to finally split without it being a dramatic explosion or huge fight.
Not a month after I had settled in, with the mandatory multi-hour FaceTime and phone calls every night, I get a tearful call out of nowhere from Samantha who had a confession she needed to make: she had been cheating on me with a mutual acquaintance of ours for some time, like, close to a year before I was transferred, and was tearfully asking for forgiveness. I don’t remember the details because everything just sounded like static, but I remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and the sense of unreality. What I DO remember thinking at the time is “this is my chance. This is my opportunity. I just need to take it.”
I didn’t take it. I couldn’t even bring myself to break up with her when she was confessing to cheating on me.
That was over a month ago. Why can’t I end this relationship that I don’t want to be in? I feel trapped, like I have to get Samantha’s permission to end things and she doesn’t want to give it. I guess I’m asking is what’s wrong with me and how do I stop being a whiny little bitch and just break up with her?
You’re Not A Man, You’re A Chicken, Boo.
Here’s some advice that’s not going to feel like it helps at first, YNAMYACB: you need to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. You are experiencing what a lot of people in toxic and abusive relationships experience – you know what you want to do, hell what you need to do… but you can’t bring yourself to do it.
What you’re describing is incredibly common, and it’s something that people often don’t really understand until they’ve been through it themselves. It’s often incredibly hard to leave a toxic relationship, and even harder to leave and make it stick, even when you know, down to your bones, that you need to. This doesn’t make you a whiny little bitch, it makes you human and your girlfriend is – intentionally or unintentionally – using some psychological tricks and traits that keep you stuck.
There’re a few things here that are working against you. The first is that you mentioned that this is your first “serious” relationship, and how those first couple years were great. You don’t mention your age, but based on a couple other things in your letter, I’m guessing you’re closer to your 30s than your 20s, so I’m willing to bet that you’ve spent more time single or with relationships that you wanted to be serious but weren’t. So, this being your first “real” relationship means that there’s a sort of self-imposed pressure to want to make this one work. Similarly, not having a lot of relationship experience means that you don’t have the sort of “well, this sucks but I know how to recover” resilience that would mean you would feel more confident that you could end this, move on and eventually meet someone else.
(If that sounds weirdly specific and detailed… well, hey, guess who’s got two thumbs and has been almost exactly where you are? Except now I have to dispose of these thumbs, no idea where the hell they even came from…)
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your lack of experience made you more vulnerable or that you’re at fault here. It’s more like going bungee jumping or skydiving for the first time. It’s a lot easier to make the jump when you’ve done it before and you know you can not only survive but be fine on the other end of it. It’s the first time you find yourself having to do it that makes it a doozy. Especially if you’re doing it by yourself.
The second thing that’s working against you is… well, your own experiences at the beginning of the relationship. The way things progressed, with things being amazing at first and then intermittently bad and then mostly bad with occasional sparks of good and then just bad… that’s a process that’s known as “intermittent reinforcement”, where after the initial rush of dopamine in the honeymoon phase, those moments of happiness or joy (the ‘good times’) come less frequently and more intermittently, to the point where you can’t reasonably predict whether you’re going to get them or not.
It’s very similar to how casinos get you hooked on slot machines or developers of games like Candy Crush lock you in an addictive loop – they give you lots of rewards up front then dial up the frustration so that you work harder to try to get those rewards again. So, even though the relationship may have gone to shit – and you know it’s gone to shit – you’re still hoping to get those good parts again.
The last thing is that you’ve basically been trained into a sort of helplessness where Samantha is concerned. All the ways you were coerced into giving in and doing what she wants have gotten you in the habit of feeling like you don’t really have a choice and ultimately have to give in to get by. It’s the sort of thing we don’t really recognize as conditioning but it really is, to some degree. And if you were the sort of person who was already conflict averse or not terribly assertive, it’s an easy routine to fall into, especially when you’re dealing with someone who seems to be holding your emotional well-being hostage, especially if there’re other implied threats in the mix.
And here’s an important thing: the fact that this worked on you doesn’t mean you’re weak, it doesn’t mean you’re pathetic or anything else. Nobody is immune to getting stuck in a bad relationship or being abused, any more than they’re immune from being scammed or conned. It means you’re human and Samantha, wittingly or not, knew exactly what buttons to push and what leverage would work on you.
Here’s another important thing: beating yourself up isn’t going to help, any more than other people are “helping” if they give you shit for it. How you could “let” yourself get into this position is irrelevant now and ultimately unhelpful. Analysis of how you got here is for after, when you’re in the clear and doing a post-mortem on things. The only part that matters in the here and now is what you’re going to do about it.
Now, I’ve talked a bit before about having been in a toxic relationship and having a hard time leaving, so here’s what I can tell you from my experience: sooner or later, something will trigger that “fuck this I’m out” neuron to fire. But if you want it to trigger sooner, you’re going to have to decide to make it happen. And I am here to tell you that it’s going to be a lot easier to do this if you don’t involve Samantha in the process.
The reason why you weren’t able to pull the trigger on dumping her when she confessed is that groove that she helped carve in your brain about giving in whenever she throws a tantrum or browbeats you into going along to get along. Her crying and begging forgiveness, whether it was sincere or not, is tapping into the same mix of anger and guilt she would throw at you if you tried to get off the phone too soon or didn’t to check in with your “parole officer.” It fit the same pattern and rhythm as every other fight you had and you sunk right into that rhythm with the ease of sliding into a warm bath, going on autopilot.
Well, now you know that she can hit those buttons when you’re talking to her… so don’t talk to her. Talking gives her the chance to push you until you give in. Take that away, and you take away the biggest advantage she has.
Here’s what you need to realize: you don’t need her permission or agreement to break up. You don’t need a causus belli to dump her, and you don’t even need to have an in-person confrontation. You just have to decide that this is done and you’re out; the rest are just details. All you have to do is send a voice mail or text saying “we’re done,” and all is finished. This is, in fact, what I think you should do: send a text or voice memo saying, very simply, that this isn’t working and you’re breaking up with her. You don’t need to explain or elaborate, because you don’t need to justify your deciding to end your relationship with her. The more you give – whether it’s an explanation or reason, or even opportunity to respond – the greater the attack surface you give her to work with. The less you give, the fewer buttons she has to push and the fewer levers she has to work. The fact that there was always a chance that you were going to stay on the west coast makes it easier for you to drop a “well, bye…” and bounce without further comment.
Now that having been said, I think you should be prepared before you send that text, because there’re a few things that may need to happen in rapid succession in order to have as quick and clean a break as possible. A lot is going to depend on what arrangements you made before you relocated to the west coast. If your stuff is mostly in storage, then you’re golden. If not, there could be an issue and you’re going to want to enlist some outside help.
You’re across the country and you don’t mention in your letter whether or not you two are/were living together. Being together for four years suggests you might be, moving across the country by yourself suggests maybe not. If you were, or you had access to each other’s place, then a break up gets a little trickier because of the potential for her to hold your stuff hostage. You don’t mention having pets together, which is a mercy, but she could well be the sort of person who would decide to get back at you by wrecking your stuff or fucking up your apartment (if you still have one) and leaving you on the hook for the deposit and damages. So I would suggest that you give your friends a heads up and make a plan before you pull the trigger on the break up to minimize any chances of retribution or simply trying to push you to meet in person to “discuss” things.
If you aren’t living together but she has a key to your place, then I would suggest making arrangements via a friend to change the locks. If she does have anything of yours at her place, you can tell her to box it up and either a friend will come get it or she can drop it off at a designated place. Or you may want to consider it a break-up tax and write them off, if it’s anything you’d be able to replace with relative ease.
If you are/were living together, then it gets more complicated. In that case, I would suggest getting some friends to come to your place to pack up as much of your stuff into storage as possible – possibly while she’s at work – and then dropping the “we’re done” text on her. You can then figure out how you’ll get the rest out to you – whether you pick a weekend to rent a U-Haul or a “rent a container/we bring it to you” service or what.
Again, the important thing is ending this and doing so in the way that makes it possible for you to do so as quickly and cleanly as you can. That means keeping things short and to the point – “We’re breaking up, I don’t want to see you again, I am not changing my mind about this, don’t contact me,” – followed by immediately blocking her in all the ways she has to reach you.
I know all this sucks. I know that exact mix of shame and embarrassment you’re feeling. I also know that sense that this is the coward’s way out. It is not; it’s the effective way out. You’re not a coward for playing on the tilted field where the other person has all the advantages and your break up isn’t less of a break up just because you didn’t have an in-person blow up or let her scream at you. You’ve spent far too much time with her as part of your life; you don’t get bonus points for giving her any more of it. So make the arrangements that you need, text her, block her and then make sure that you’ve got friends around to help you with the immediate aftermath.
I promise you: it’s intimidating now, but when you’ve done it, the rush of adrenaline and relief will be the most astounding thing you have ever felt, like you just dropped a massive weight you didn’t know you were carrying.
You’ll be ok. I promise.
All will be well.
Dear Dr.,
What do you do when the girl you like has a boyfriend, but her boyfriend is awful? And I don’t mean “he’s with the girl I like”, I mean “I should probably call the cops”.
Backstory: I’m a freshman in college. Since this was my first time livgin on my own, I went attended the freshman orientation session, which was a two week period for freshmen to get familiar with the dorms and the town, settle in, meet people and get over any homesickness before classes start. Most of the orientation was boring, a series of mixers and awkward “get to know you” games, but it had a highlight. That highlight was Riva, a gorgeous girl who was put into my “circle” (they assigned everyone groups at random as “circles”, like a friendship starter pack I guess) and I crushed hard on her as soon as I saw her. She’s smart, funny, hot and she can sing. I’m a sucker for girls with a great singing voice, I don’t know why.
Me: just some guy from the suburbs with a mom who never met an MLM she didn’t fall for and a dad who went out for cigarettes and came back with divorce papers. I’m half-decent at working hustles and I have the sort of humor that only pain and defense mechanisms give you. But somehow Riva finds that charming and she thinks I’m great. I am, as she puts it, someone she sometimes wishes she could’ve met instead of or before she met her boyfriend.
Right, her boyfriend. Riva is a theater kid who has dreams of getting the EGOT. Well, her “boyfriend” was someone she met when she was doing community theater during high-school. And when I say “someone she met,” I mean he was the director of the play that the local theater was putting on and when I say “was the director” I mean he’s 35. He convinced her that he thinks she’s an undiscovered prodigy and declared her his “muse”.
Did I mention that Riva was 15 when they met and 16 when they started “dating”? Because she was. They’ve been “together” for 2 years now and while they keep it on the down low they’re “technically” ok because apparently the age of consent is 16 in her home state.
I don’t know what to do here. Riva introduced me to this guy and he did the whole “acting like a bro bro but also puts you down” routine and half the time he’s negging her, too. She gets excited when he’s coming up to visit but then talks about how they spent the whole time fighting afterwards and generally I don’t think he’s a good guy.
I don’t know what to do here. I want to tell her that this dude is trash, but I know he’s already telling her that she can’t trust me because I clearly have a crush on her (she told me this like it was the silliest thing ever, can you even imagine?) and I’d say anything to break them up.
What do I do? Is there some way I can convince her that he’s slime? Is there some sort of secret routine I could use to make her start not trusting him or thinking he’s a loser? And if I do, how do I not fall into his trap of her not trusting me because I have an ulterior movtive?
Waiting In The Wings
OOoof.
I hate to tell you this, but there is no “good” way to get her to break up with him – not, at least, where “good” means that she’s going to ditch the zero and get with the hero. The relationship is going to end when it’s going to end, and when it does, the odds are much higher that she’s going to want to be single for a while.
The problem here – from your perspective, specifically, isn’t the boyfriend. Her boyfriend isn’t the obstacle standing between you and connubial bliss with your crush, and if he were to vanish in a puff of “Why don’t you have a seat over there”, it wouldn’t clear the way for you and Riva. If she decides that she’s going to leave him to be with you… well, first she has to want to be with you and so far it doesn’t sound like that. “Wish I could’ve met you first,” is the sort of phrase that has led to scores of dudes getting out over their skis instead of recognizing that this means “someone like you (that I was also attracted to, romantically)”, not “I have feelings for you but alas, my boyfriend…”
Yes, there are times where people will leave a partner they’re not happy with because there was someone else that they could transition to with very little time in between. But that’s something that tends to happen organically and it’s very hard to pull that deliberately. And if you’re mixing in denigrating her partner at the time… well, you’re increasing the odds that she’s going to get pissed at you, not find you charming and swoon into your arms.
Been there, done that, nearly blew the whole thing because I was playing fucky-fuck games.
None of this is to say that I think you’re wrong about this dude being bad news. He’s a grown-ass man dating a teen-ager and “hey, technically it’s legal!” doesn’t change just how sketchy that is. But your ability to unilaterally change this, especially in such a way that would lead to her getting with you, is basically zero.
Now that doesn’t mean that you have to just accept things and give this fucked up relationship your blessing. The important thing is that while the two of you may be friends (…I presume; you are a little cagey on just how close you two actually are), that doesn’t mean you have to pretend that you think it’s cool and fine that she’s dating a guy who is nearly twice her age and started dating when she was in high-school. In fact, I think open disapproval – in the sense of “why would a normal, “good” 30-something guy want to date a teenager?” – would be the best response. Not mocking him, not shaming her, not bringing it up constantly, not always making an issue of it, just “this is weird and sucks and I’m not going to pretend that it’s normal or that I’m cool with it”. It’s important that this disapproval is about how he is the weird one, not about how she needs to dump him; otherwise you’re going to not just tip your hand but also hand him a defense in “well of COURSE he would say that, he’s jealous and he doesn’t understand us.”
Here’s the thing: approval of one’s peers is really powerful, and a lot of people saying “yo, this is really not cool” can break through a lot of defensiveness. And there is going to be a lot of defensiveness, especially if he’s been playing on her musical theater dreams. There’s going to be a lot of motivated reasoning as to why this relationship is different and not an older man preying on a teenager and how it would be different if she were 25 and he were 45 or whatever. But that overall disapproval from her friends can work to break down a lot of the manipulation he’s pulling.
But – and this is key – you have to be ready for the high likelihood that this is going to piss Riva off and make her less likely to want to hang out with you. Even if the rest of the time the two of you are tight, that open disapproval is going to be like a stone in her shoe. It may seem like it’s going to push her closer at first. It will almost certainly put the kibosh on her seeing you as a potential partner afterwards. If you’re more worried about what a shitty situation this is for her than you are about getting her single so you can move in instead, then that’s a price you need to be willing to pay. If you’re onlyconcerned about this guy because you’re hoping to take his place… well, I can relate and I can understand it but that’s not cool of you.
My suggestion is that you can disapprove, and if she asks what’s going on, you can make it clear that you think a 30-something dating a teenager is fucked up on his end. But You should also make it clear that you’re not going to make A Thing about it and you won’t bring it up or refer to it if she doesn’t. You can even say “hey, listen, I don’t like the guy and I would rather not discuss him, and I think you’d be happier if I didn’t, too.” But leave it at that, and don’t try to engineer things – either her leaving him or getting her to come to you instead.
If anything, I would say that the best thing you can do is go live your life and date other people – people who don’t have problematic relationships already – while still being friends with Riva. While this won’t necessarily lead to a Happily Ever After with you and her driving off into the sunset as the credits roll, it also won’t mean spending months or even years of putting your life on hold so that you can pine after someone who’s not showing signs of being into you the way you’d hoped.
Good luck.
