DISCLAIMER: While this story is true, all comparisons to any actual persons are merely coincidental. However, none of the story is dramatized or exaggerated for entertainment purposes. The column is written under a pseudonym to protect the identities of all involved.
Guys issue this warning like an amber alert: don’t sleep with ‘crazy.’ What about when the roles are reversed? Should you let ‘crazy’ sleep with you?
I am a proponent of never judging a book by its cover. Sometimes, the people you assume the most about end up surprising you. But, if you can tell a guy is crazy when you first meet — run.
Don’t worry, I’ll help you navigate your decision of fight or flight when it comes to guys who might be a little off their rocker. Today, we’re going to talk about Bateman.
Gorgeous, fit and undeniably insane, Bateman was a Tinder match and an obvious player. No judgement there, but if we’re competing by numbers, this might be the one time that I take a loss.
I knew how I was going to play it with Mr. Bateman, and losing wasn’t in the cards. He couldn’t judge if I was only there for a good time and nothing else, right? Wrong, babes.
19th tip: NEVER think that a crazy guy will use logical reasoning. Ever.
As it usually is with someone who has a few screws loose, the sex was great. I don’t know what’s crazier: Bateman, or the level of pleasant shock I felt when I undressed him. My third tip to you, about height corresponding to length in other places, had met its devil’s advocate. God, I love surprises sometimes.
He matched my energy well, and I didn’t even mind when he wanted to sleep over. I anticipated that he wasn’t going to be any less crazy in the sheets in the morning, and I adore being proven right. Regardless, there were some diabolical red flags that I overlooked just to put that nutjob to work.
In the playbook of crazy, there’s some basic signs. Obviously, a crazed, feral look in the eyes or a mildly predatory smile reminiscent of the Scar from “The Lion King” are some key details. But I think that there’s a “big three” of insanity when it comes to men: possessive, obsessive and charming.
20th tip: It is not that hard to tell if a guy is out of their mind. If any of what he does reminds you of Nate Jacobs, Clavicular or The Joker, you have your answer.
The litany of hickeys that Bateman left on me, and the professing of the idea that I should never be with another man again, were the obvious signs of possessiveness. His tendency to constantly message and harass were undoubtedly obsessive. But worst of all — he was charming.
Even though it was easy to tell he was crazy, he, like many other guys who might need some electroshock therapy, had a way with words and actions (and with his body). As a seasoned veteran, I told myself that I would be immune to his charisma, but dear god, it was a hard fight to win.
I was in a trance whenever he’d speak. He’d give promises that never seemed empty, but I knew that the last thing I should do would be to take him up on them. The promises would be fulfilled, but not without being pushed to the brink of insanity myself.
As tempting as it is, I still have to restrain myself from hitting up Bateman when the nights feel a bit lonely. He and his five other personalities would keep me such good company. Unfortunately, I must heed my own advice.
21st tip: No matter how hot crazy guys are, it is not worth the emotional turmoil they will put you through. We all saw how “American Psycho” ended, right?
Layla Starling can be reached at [email protected] and [email protected]. Also, my number is 678-999-8212, text me 😉
