Estimated reading time: 19 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
Well. I don’t think anyone would expect ME to have to get advice but I suppose even the best of us can have troubles.
I am writing in because of my partner, who we’ll call “Jason”. No, not a ROMANTIC partner, could you even IMAGINE? No, my heart belongs to another; Jason is more like a work colleague who’s become much more over time. We work in… well, I guess you could call it a high-stress industry, where there’s a lot of turnover and the prospects for advancement are cutthroat. Jason and I were both thrown together – call it fate, call it destiny, but we ended up starting this new job at the same time and well, we work well together. I’m the brains of this partnership, obviously, but I must give him credit where credit is due: Jason has proven himself to be quite capable, inspiring even. To be sure, he’s something of a blunt object compared to a scalpel like myself, but we all have our strengths, don’t we?
But – just between you, me and your audience (and how large IS your audience? A girl has her standards…), I’m worried. I don’t appreciate the sexist assumptions, but people DO see Jason as being the one in charge of things and he takes his role very seriously. He tries to pretend he doesn’t care, but he clearly feels responsible for the well-being of a startlingly and increasingly large number of our co-workers, even ones who are in competition for any advancement opportunities, and I’m afraid the strain is starting to get to him. He has a much bigger heart than he wants people to see; I’m fairly certain I’m the only one who truly understands how much he cares. It certainly doesn’t help that he has a, shall we say ANTAGONISTIC attitude towards authority in general and our corporate overlords in particular – hardly surprising considering that we have been treated abominably at times. Why, my direct report “Ringo” is appalled at what we’ve been through.
I apologize, I am getting sidetracked. While we’ve been faring rather well – cream rises to the top after all – I can see the strain that the responsibility Jason has taken on is getting to him and I’m afraid that… well, I’m afraid that Jason may be on the verge of doing something rash. And if I MUST be honest, I think he is planning on dissolving our partnership out of some misguided sense of nobility and self-sacrifice. Utterly absurd, I know, what would he even do without me? But it’s typical of Jason, thinking that he has to take on the world by himself, even as he’s burning out in the process.
While I’ve known Jason to have something of a temper, I think that the mistreatment that all of us employees has triggered something in him. I don’t blame him really, it’s an outrage. But I worry that he’s reached a point where he’s going to lash out. He’s already gotten in trouble for antagonizing one of our past supervisors – honestly, why did they even bring them onboard? The one before was lovely… – and I believe he’s ready to take his anger all the way to the top in a way that would end badly… possibly for the board, but mostly for him and our partnership. I know I would land on my feet if anything would happen but… well, I do care for him even if he is a bit of a well-meaning oaf. He and I understand each other better than anyone else, not only having worked in tandem for so long but also having both lost people we care about around the same time and of course, sharing our rising stardom within our industry. But he’s always had that independent martyr streak and I think he is convinced that our department is on the verge of being rendered surplus to requirements regardless of our, frankly STUNNING performance evaluations, really, we’re the talk of the industry, and he can prevent the rest of us from being let go if he takes it all on himself instead.
Normally I wouldn’t have any issue convincing people that their best interests are to stay with me but Jason has always had that stubborn side of him and while it has gotten us through many a challenge each quarter, it does seem to render him resistant to my persuasive charms.
So for the first time in my life I am forced to admit that I’m unsure what to do. How do I convince someone that they don’t need to face an uncertain but certainly deleterious future alone and certainly not out of some misguided sense of nobility?
A Princess In Need
Ok before I get to answering your letter, I feel like I should give some context. I put out a call to my readers for a month-long project that I’m calling “April Fool Me”, where my intrepid readers are asked to send in fake letters based on characters and situations their favorite geeky media – whether manga, animation, movies, books, TV and so-on – and see whether I (and the readers) can spot not only the fakes among the real letters but identify the source.
If you’d like to participate, the rules are simple:
1. The situations should be strictly fictional and based entirely on the canon of the property
2. It must be plausible as possible. No overt obvious fantasy or sci-fi aspects please; that takes the fun out of trying to trick me.
3. Get creative with it, but not in a “describe a movie badly” sense.
I, for my part, do my best to take the letters seriously and provide legitimate advice, even if I’m sure I’ve figured out the reference. Half the fun for the readers will be seeing what I catch and what I miss, and how well (or badly) my advice lines up with the context of the original media.
So if you want a ruling on whether it counts as cheating if you’ve been Isekai’d or what the rules are for dating the clone of your brother’s dead high-school girlfriend and want to indulge in a little fan-fic, you can submit your letters via the form at doctornerdlove.com/contact.
Now, as the first entry in the series, I suppose I should be grateful that it wasn’t written in all-caps…
APIN, I’m somewhat curious about Jason’s backstory, because what you describe sounds a lot like survivor’s guilt paired with growing up in an unstable, possibly even abusive household. If Jason grew up feeling like it was his responsibility to manage his parent’s (or parents’) mood or that he put himself in the position of needing to protect siblings or other members of his family from a parent’s anger or abuse… well, I wouldn’t be surprised. A child forced into the role of sin-eater or who has to be the one to handle a parent’s volcanic anger often carries that sense of “I have to be the one to fix this” into adulthood. And if he never really had some place to put and manage that anger, I can see how an abuse of authority might trigger an emotional landmine.
I also have to wonder whether the issue is that he’s frustrated to the point of giving up and he’s going to make it everyone else’s problem. God knows there’re few things more stereotypical than for a dude to declare that he’s done beating his head against a wall in a bizarre contest to see whether he breaks or the wall does and decide that the answer is to burn it all down instead. Destruction is easy, after all, and if you’re a martyr to the cause, then you also have the benefit of not having to deal with the aftermath. Going out in a blaze of glory just means that everyone else has to do the clean-up work after you. Everyone wants to save the world; nobody wants to help Mom clean the dishes.
Now to be fair: if the corporate culture is as dire as you say then an accounting is overdue. But the thing I think Jason is forgetting is a very simple but very important lesson – as the wise man once said “Apes together, strong.” That is: one person by himself isn’t nearly as resilient or capable as many people working together. If his goal really is to make some sort of meaningful and lasting change and not just throwing a dramatic tantrum, then things will work a hell of a lot better if he’s not the only person going over the top and charging enemy lines – metaphorically speaking.
If he’s got the brawn and you’ve got the brains, then I think it behooves you to be the one to point out that organizing and getting, not just your team, but your whole department on board is going to be a lot more effective than him going out in a blaze of glory. The question is the best way to persuade him that this isn’t something he needs to – or even can – do alone.
There’s also a practical aspect, too; if the two of you are as influential and rising in notoriety as you say, then leveraging that influence to get the rest of the department on board can make a much bigger difference than one dude throwing a wobbly. They need you all even more than you need them. The executive class needs the workers to actually make a profit after all; middle-management’s sure as shit ain’t gonna do it. Their entire job is just to find ways to justify their ongoing employment.
Similarly, if the two of you are a team – and he truly feels responsible for your co-workers – then I think you should leverage that. His flame out means that he’s ultimately abdicating his responsibility of care and leaving you all in the lurch. If he wants to make things better – instead of just burning it all down out of some sort of oppositional defiance disorder – then he should think further than just blowing things up and hoping there’s a better option to be found in the rubble.
But if I’m being honest? I suspect the thing that really would make him stop and reconsider is if you’re honest with him about how you feel and how it’s affecting you. It doesn’t exactly take a mind reader to see that behind the performative and florid style that there’s a real fear of losing another person you care about and a worry that his “protecting” you is just a pretty way of describing your being abandoned. If you want to change his mind and get him off the sacrifice play, then I think you should open up and tell him you don’t want him to go. Sometimes, a well-timed lowering of your guard and a display of true vulnerability can pierce even the most obstinate heart (and granite-filled skull) in ways that logic, bluster or bravado can’t.
So, if you’re really worried that he’s gonna do something stupid, be real with him. If you can get him to pause and consider how his actions are going to hurt you, you have your opportunity to point him in a less self-destructive – but more effective – path. One that leverages the strength of you and your department as a whole, instead of the guttering anger of just one man.
Oh, and say hi to Zev for me.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I recently had a bit of a disagreement with a friend about how I view my relationships with women, and I’d appreciate a neutral perspective.
This friend and I have known each other for several months, and in that time, we’ve become very close, arguably closer than I’ve been with anyone else. She’s in a relationship, so there’s no romantic angle between us. We met through a shared social hobby, which is where most of our interaction takes place.
From early on, she’s had a very positive view of me. She sees me as sociable, well-liked, and confident, and she’s convinced that women must find me attractive and desirable. She’s even pointed out specific people she believes are interested in me, and she will always point out when someone has said a nice comment, or she’s witnessed a positive interaction.
It’s worth noting that she formed this opinion before really getting to know me. As we became closer, I opened up about parts of my past that I’ve only ever shared with a professional. Despite what I’ve been through and how others have treated or judged me, her opinion of me has only become more positive. In short, she genuinely sees me as a “great man”.
The issue is that while I agree I’m a good person, I don’t see any real evidence in my romantic or social life to support her perspective.
In my experience, things feel very different. Outside of this social setting, I spend most of my time alone. I don’t feel like a “social butterfly”, as I don’t have a wide circle of friends, and people rarely initiate contact with me outside of that environment. When it comes to women, I don’t experience romantic interest. I get along well with them – we laugh, and there’s some light, playful banter – but it never moves beyond friendship. I’ve also made repeated efforts to initiate things with people myself, and every time it’s led nowhere. The only reason why this recent friendship formed was because she made an effort. Years ago, I went from actively trying to date to not bothering at all since then. I’ve never been on a date, and I’m now approaching middle age.
Lately, I’ve been feeling increasingly frustrated, especially because a few recent experiences seem to directly contradict my friend’s view of me, yet she still maintains her position.
One example relates to social media. I have a very small following, so when a post about me was shared and linked to my profile, I was surprised to see some engagement. However, despite people I know interacting with the post, not a single person tried to connect with me. Looking more closely, I noticed that people I regularly speak to all seem to be connected with each other, except me. When I mentioned this to my friend, she found it a bit odd but didn’t think it was a big deal. From my perspective, it feels like evidence that people don’t actually want to connect with me, which clashes with the idea that I’m well-liked.
Another example involves someone my friend believed was interested in me. We get along very well in person and often coordinate attending the same events, but whenever I try to talk to her outside of that setting, the conversation quickly dies. I suggested meeting up separately, but it didn’t go anywhere. I had a similar experience with another woman I shared a mutual interest with, but when I suggested meeting for a casual chat, they stopped responding.
Because of all this, my friend and I keep circling back to the same discussion. Every few days, something brings it up again. She maintains her positive view of me, while I remain skeptical. I do appreciate that she’s trying to support and encourage me, even if I find it hard to see things from her perspective.
I really don’t know what the problem is, but it has been consistent throughout my life.
Third Person Limited Perspective
I think a more important question to ask is: why is it so important that you prove her wrong? You seem determined to believe that she can’t possibly be right, and you’re bending yourself into pretzels to argue with her over this.
If I’m being honest, it feels like it’s because you’d rather your friend be wrong about you than accept the possibility that she’s right but you’re messing up somewhere. And if that’s the case… well, I think you need to address that before you try to prove your point.
I do wish you’d actually said more about your counter-examples, because quite frankly, they’re so vague as to make it incredibly unclear what happened. I don’t know if you’re trying to spare someone’s feelings or avoid the possibility of people being identified, but it creates this impression that there’s important information that’s being left out to a degree that feels deliberate. That doesn’t exactly help your case.
One of the first things I notice in your letter is that there’s a lot of passivity coming from you. You mention, for example, that your friend is the one who made all the moves to get to know you – implying that you wouldn’t be friends if she hadn’t. Similarly, you don’t seem to be terribly proactive about reaching out to other people, or even that you like people much. You mention that when you try to initiate things, but you don’t say more than that, which really doesn’t help pinpoint where things are going wrong.
This is why I talk so much about details; without them, all we have to go on are vague assumptions and past experience with other folks in similar circumstances. This means I can make some educated guesses, but they’re still based on the fact that I’ve seen this story many, many times before. But while it may be a familiar story to me, the devil really is in the details.
It could well be, for example, that while you know them to nod at or say hi to, you don’t really know your fellow hobbyists – certainly not to the point of having the sort of connection that would lend itself to a stronger relationship separate from your shared interest.
A lot of times, the reason why we don’t get as close to people as we might like is simply because we never really showed the level of interest of getting to know them better. How much do you talk with your fellow hobbyists about things besides your hobby? Do you know anything about them outside of the context of this shared interest? Do any of them have siblings? Where did they go to college? What do they do when they’re not pursuing that hobby? If you don’t know… you may want to consider why you don’t know and why you never asked.
If that’s the case, then it’s not really that much of a surprise that you aren’t closer to them. If you haven’t shown any curiosity or interest in them that goes deeper than just “we like the same stuff”, you’re decreasing the odds that they’re going to show the same level of interest in you. Someone’s gotta make the first move to deepen the connection; since you have seen that you can’t rely on other folks to be that motivated, then it may as well be you.
I suspect that’s a recurring theme for your situation – you know people to a relatively shallow degree, but never take the step to get to know them better. Maybe you think that you’re waiting for them to show that they would be interested in knowing about you, so you hold back lest you feel presumptive. Or maybe you’re just waiting for other people to take you on as a project, the way your friend has. But, quite frankly, most people aren’t going to be so motivated as to do most if not all the work of getting to know you. If you want people to reach out or connect with you in some way, shape or form, you gotta be willing to meet them halfway. And that often starts with showing basic curiosity about them as people.
Now as I said, this is speculation on my part, but it does seem to fit in with the counter-examples from later in your letter. In both cases, you talk about folks you know in the hobby community that you get along well with, but who don’t seem interested in connecting outside of it. I have to wonder how much of this is because your connection with them is mostly on the surface and based around the hobby, but without getting any deeper. That would make hanging out outside of the context of that shared interest a heavier lift; after all, there’s not much of a foundation to build a connection on.
The example you give about a post about you getting traction, however, doesn’t really track as a meaningful counter to your friend’s assertion that people like you. If anything, it feels like a non-sequitur and a problem based more on expectations and the nature of social media rather than some sort of inherent flaw or proof that your friend is wrong about you
I can speak from experience when I say that having a post go viral – especially if it was something that another person wrote about you and not something you wrote yourself – doesn’t automatically translate into people coming to you about it. A lot will depend on how people come to that post – a quote tweet or a screenshot being shared isn’t going to be the same as a retweet. Other people are much more likely to be engaging with the person who reshared it, even if they’re talking about you. If you weren’t in the direct chain of replies beforehand, then they’re not as likely to tag you in, and the ones who do are more likely to be calling it to your attention, rather than asking your thoughts about it.
I can’t help but note that, while you say that the people who were commenting on it all connected to each other – by which I assume you mean they’re all mutuals – but not with you. At the same time, you don’t say whether you’ve reached out to try to connect with them. Based on what you’ve said in a few places in your letter, it sounds to me like this is another case of waiting for other folks to do the work of reaching out and connecting with you, without you actually giving any real indication to them that you want that. If you aren’t giving the social media equivalent of approach invitations, you’re left hoping that other people are going to be sufficiently and spontaneously motivated to do the work with no real encouragement on your end.
Of course, a lot is going to depend on the connections you have with them. Again, this is the problem with being vague in your descriptions; it gives very little to work with. That being said: it sounds to me like these are folks you may engage with on social media, rather than people who are necessarily part of your life in some meaningful way. If they’re a network node of folks who already know or follow each other – whether because they’re mutuals of long standing, because they have friends in common or because they known each other outside of social media – you simply may not be in their orbit except as a profile they recognize from the comments.
But here’s the thing: that’s not the same as being disliked. It just means that you’re not part of their online network. They don’t know you well or in the way that other people do, and they may simply not have enough connection to you to follow you. Especially if they have other connections – personal or professional – beyond just who’s commenting on whose posts.
To be perfectly honest, I think the issue here isn’t that your friend is wrong. I think the problem is that you haven’t had a lot of success in meeting people without understanding why and chose to give up. And honestly, giving up is a valid choice. I don’t think it’s a good one, especially if you’re lonely and want a connection, but it’s a choice. But it’s also the easier option. It asks less of you than trying to figure out what you may be doing wrong, and it’s much easier to find “proof”… especially if you’re coming to every interaction under the assumption that you’re just gonna get ignored, rejected or otherwise turned down anyway.
If you’ve decided you’re done with trying, that’s fine. You can tell your friend that this is a topic you don’t want to discuss any further; you are allowed to have boundaries around this after all. But I think you should really examine just why her belief gets your nose out of joint before you decide what to do about it.
If you do decide that you want to give making friends and connecting with people another shot, then I suggest you start simply by getting curious. Having the same hobby is a starting point for connection, not the basis for the entire relationship. Show interest in the folks in your community and hobby spaces beyond just the surface; get to know them as people – what they’re like, what they’re into, what they have going on in their lives. That’ll encourage them to reciprocate and get to know you, too. Once you both see that there’re more sides to you than what you’re bringing to the meetups, you’ll have more opportunities for connection… and those will make it more likely that you’ll spend time together outside of your hobbies.
Good luck.
