Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Doc,
This is a very short question or a very long question depending on how you answer it so I’ll get to the point.
I’m dating this girl and we really like each other having been dating for the past year and a half. The thing is though that she’s graduating college and going into the work force whereas I have post graduate education in line (she’s 23, I’m 22). I’m worried that because I’m still going to be in school that she might reconsider the relationship and see me as less since she’ll have her own apartment, job money etc. while I’m still stuck in school. Bare minimum it’s going to be 2-3 years and most likely 3 with the program I’m taking so I don’t know if she would be willing to date me instead of say someone who’s already established in the real world or at least getting started there.
We’ve spoken briefly about our plans and while we’ve been clear about the future for ourselves in terms of my education and her work, we’ve both danced around the issue of what that means for each other never really bringing it up.
What I’m asking is; are my worries realistic and if so what can I do about it, if not what are my next steps?
Thank you
-Stuck Behind
Your worries are realistic in as much as these are worries that you have. Whether this is an actual problem is a different question entirely, and that’s the dilemma you’re facing here. You’re focused on the worry and not on whether there’s anything to be worried about.
This is a prime example of how avoidance ultimately only serves exacerbate anxiety. You have an issue that you’re worried about, but you’re more worried about actually addressing it with your girlfriend. The reason why you’re worried is pretty obvious: you’re sure that if and when you have the conversation, it’s going to lead to the two of you deciding to break up. This is creating anxiety, because obviously that’s not something you want and anxiety is ultimately the brain’s attempt to protect itself from negative outcomes.
The problem is that anxiety’s “protection” prioritizes safety above everything else, including happiness, emotional security and so on. Safety – in this case, defined as “make the bad outcome not happen” – comes first, and so everything revolves around that goal. This is logic that is central to how anxiety works. The problem is that anxiety logic… isn’t logic. It’s emotion, and it’s responding to emotions.
Case in point: you know this is something you and your girlfriend need to talk about, but you’re worried about what will happen after. It’s entirely understandable that this makes you upset and uncomfortable. “Well,” says the anxiety logic, “what I’m hearing is, if we never have this conversation, we never have to decide to break up.” The problem is that this isn’t a realistic solution; it just kicks the can down the road, which means that the anxiety doesn’t ever go away. Instead, the anxiety only increases, because you know that you can only delay this conversation for so long. But since the emotion around this discussion upsets you – you are expecting this to be a break up, after all – then that emotion also gets classified as something to protect you from. So now you get anxiety about not having the conversation, which is even more uncomfortable. But attempts to alleviate that feeling may include further avoidance – what can you do to avoid even thinking about this? – and so the world you live in becomes progressively smaller as each attempt at protection just creates new things to protect yourself from.
Now put a pin in this, we’ll be coming back to it later. Instead, let’s turn to practical matters: what will it mean for you to be getting your post-graduate degree while your girlfriend doesn’t.
I think part of the problem here is how you’re defining things: you’re seeing getting into a post-grad program as being a sign of adulthood being delayed while your girlfriend will be going out into the “real world”. The worry is that she’s going to want to date someone who’s “more established” – i.e. someone who’s a grown-ass adult who’s living an adult life and not someone who’s delaying his entry into adulthood. This is, quite frankly, the same sort of mindset as the idea that if you didn’t date in high-school or college, you’ve “fallen behind” somehow, and it says more about how you see things than how your girlfriend feels.
Part of the problem is that I’m not entirely sure how you think a post-grad program works. Now maybe it’s the way you phrased things in your letter, but it sounds like you’re expecting the program to be like College 2: Even College-er, and it is not. This isn’t an extra three years in the dorm and the comfort of a meal plan, nor is it like avoiding getting a job. If anything, it’s more akin to starting on-the-job training for a job that you never clock out of. You’re going to be doing a lot more than just going to lectures and writing papers; it’s closer to a preview of what a career in academia looks like.
Likewise, while some universities have on-campus housing for their graduate program, that’s not the same as living in a dorm for another three years. It’s much closer to having an apartment in a building the university happens to own and all the other tenants are also grad-students. This is going to be important because unless you have a significant nest egg or family money, the odds are that you’re going to be working at least part-time while you’re in the program. Even if you have scholarships or a full ride, you’re still going to have expenses that need to be covered – rent, utilities and groceries, for example. The on-campus housing isn’t covered by the tuition, after all.
And while yes, you’ll be entering the job market later than your girlfriend, you’re also going to be entering with advantages that she doesn’t have; women need advanced degrees in order to match the pay of a man with a bachelor degree in the same field.
You’re not delaying entry into the “real world”; if anything, you’re giving yourself an extra level of difficulty because holy shit getting a post-grad degree is a nightmare. You will be discovering new and fascinating levels of exhaustion as your time management skills are tested to the limits. You will, quite literally, find yourself with more assigned work and tasks than there are hours in the day and you will have to not just prioritize but triage and decide what simply doesn’t get done. This includes things like “sleep”, “meals” and “anything resembling a social life”.
This, not some imaginary prolonged adolescence, is going to be the true risk to your relationship. The risk you’re facing won’t be whether your girlfriend will decide she wants to date someone who’s “more established”, it will be you concluding that you can’t manage being a grad student and having a relationship without cloning yourself and swapping who has grad school duties that day.
While I hate to put it this bluntly, but this is going to put a strain on the relationship, and that’s a strain that most folks aren’t ready for. It’s not impossible for a relationship to survive someone getting their masters’ or doctorate, but hooo doctor it is not easy. It will rely on being able for you two to subsist on brief, stolen moments together and a willingness to endure a lot of time where you either don’t see each other or your quality time together will involve your getting a cat nap before having to head back to the library or the lab.
This brings me back to what I said at the top: you’ve been dancing around the conversations you need to have about this, but it’s one you need to have because if you want even a sliver of hope, you have to start talking about this stuff yesterday.
First off, your anxiety and worry about talking about your future is only making both of you tense and feeling awkward. You’re worried about what your girlfriend may think or feel, but you’re not actually going to the person who could tell you what she’s thinking or how she feels. You’re reacting to an imaginary version of her as though it were real, and I’m sure the tension coming off you like a plutonium rod with GAD isn’t helping her mood either. That alone ain’t good.
Second, the longer you delay, the harder the conversation is going to be, simply because you’re going to have a lot less runway to put structures in place to help mitigate the stress this will put on your relationship. And even then, it’s going to take a lot of flexibility because no plan survives contact with the enemy; what works for you in your first year will likely not work in the second. It may not even necessarily work after the first semester.
Third, regardless of the ultimate outcome of the conversation – whether you’re going to decide to end things after graduation, stay together or what – the longer you wait, the less time you have to actually enjoy your relationship. Right now, your relationship is increasingly defined by the unresolved tension created by the two of you dancing around this topic. Even if you decide that you’re going to break up immediately, the time spent worrying about it is time not spent being together and enjoying each other’s company and presence in your lives. All you’re doing is letting the anxiety seep in like toxic waste into the groundwater, and for no benefit whatsoever.
So what you need to do is sit down and have this conversation already. You two need to rip off the metaphorical bandage, figure out what your futures look like and whether that future involves the two of you together, or if you’ve reached the stage of your lives where your growth means that you grow separately. Even if the answer is what you fear – that graduation marks the end of your relationship – having that answer is going to be a lot less stressful than walking around with it hanging over your head like the Sword of Damocles. Living with the uncertainty means that you can’t prepare for anything. Even knowing that the worst-case scenario is going to happen means that, at the very least, you know what to expect and can make arrangements accordingly.
But here’s the thing I don’t think you’ve considered: break ups don’t necessarily mean forever. Even if you do both decide that you should split up while you pursue your post-grad, that doesn’t mean that this is the end for the two of you. If your connection is strong and you two have so much that brings you and keeps you together, those things will still exist three years from now. There’s nothing stopping you from saying that “ok, we’re going to break up for now, but once I’ve finished my degree program, we’ll come back together and see where we’re at.”
Yeah, it means there’s a risk that your girlfriend will have started seeing someone else… but that’s always going to be a risk. Agreeing to stay together after she graduates isn’t going to guarantee that you’re not going to break up before you finish your program. Nor does it ensure that you might not meet someone who is in a similar boat to you and has an easier time adapting to a grad school schedule than your girlfriend would. Or that you might not meet someone in the interim while she is still single and ready to explore getting back together.
But as I said: right now, all you’re doing is shrinking the world you are allowed to occupy by letting your anxiety run rampant. It’s time to stop reacting to the imaginary girlfriend’s feelings and to start learning what your actual girlfriend thinks. You need to confront your anxiety head on and have that awkward conversation. No matter how it goes, both of you will finally be able to move forward, instead of hoping that you’ll be able to hold off the future if you just keep dancing fast enough.
Sit down, talk it out and decide how things will proceed. Everything else will sort itself out.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I know you’ve talked about not needing money to date or be considered a partner, but what about when you don’t have much money and you’re dating someone who does? I’m in a relationship and while I have a decent job and I’m pretty good with managing my finances and living within my means, my partner has a much better one and they far outstrip my take-home pay and any savings I might have. Practically speaking, this has meant that they tend to be the one who pays for a lot of our dates, and I’m unable to go with them on trips or vacations that aren’t within driving distance because I either can’t get the time off or afford to pay for my ticket and half of the hotel room.
Right now, it’s not a problem, but is there a way of ensuring that it doesn’t become one in the future? I’m worried that my inability to contribute is going to lead to their resentment, especially if and when we live together. I’ve mentioned it to my partner and they’ve told me not to worry about it, they knew this was the deal when we started dating but that’s easy to say, now. It might not be in a few years.
What can I do?
Uncle Penny Pincher Meets Uncle Money Bags
This is the definition of borrowing trouble from the future. And that kind of loan comes with a hellacious API and there’s no refinancing for better terms.
Here’s the thing: yeah, money is one of the single biggest sources of strife in relationships, especially when there’s a significant difference in income or personal wealth. But much of the strife comes from the stress created by the difference and how people manage it. Things get a hell of a lot easier if you start talking about how to handle the difference now instead of looking forward to a future that may never come to pass and treating it like it’s inevitable.
The issue you bring up is one of lifestyle, but also of equity. Your partner likes particular kinds of dates and vacations – ones that you simply can’t afford. Since they would like those dates and those trips, and they would like to take them with you, they’re willing to pay the lion’s share of the costs. That’s, quite literally, part of the price of entry in this relationship and they’re choosing to pay it happily.
Resentment tends to build when the person who is paying more feels like they’re being used or taken advantage of, and when the person who can’t pay as much feels emasculated or the lesser partner in the relationship. In both cases, one person feels like they’re getting screwed by the other… and not in the happy, sticky fun way. The way to avoid resentment – now or in the future – is to find a way to make things equitable. Not equal; equitable. Making things equal is lovely in theory but often can make things worse in practice. Deciding to split the rent and utilities 50/50 sounds great and it ensures that everyone is contributing the same amount, but it’s not equitable when 50% of the rent is 75% of one person’s take-home pay and only 15% of the other person’s.
Equitability, on the other hand may mean that you’re not paying equally, but you’re both contributing in ways that you feel like things are even. The goal isn’t for everything to be split perfectly down the middle, but for the overall load to be divided in such a way that it’s balanced and everybody feels satisfied with the arrangement. So while you may not be able to take them on the kinds of dates they like or pay your way on trips, there are other ways you can contribute to your relationship. This may mean taking on other responsibilities that your partner doesn’t like handling. It may mean doing some of the scutwork to make those trips and dates go smoothly. The details matter less than the way that it feels as though you’re equal partners overall, rather than one of you carrying the other.
It’s also worth talking about potential compromises – not on who pays for what, but also what kinds of things you’re paying for. You may not be able to afford or have the free time to go on the trips your partner likes, but they do want to take those trips with you. So one potential compromise – and one that will allow you to contribute equally – would be that some trips are within your means and availability. Yeah, they may not be as fancy or luxurious as the ones your partner likes, but the quality time together tends to mean more than luxury. Similarly, planning dates that are more focused on time together rather than level of expense – museums, art walks, picnics in the park, etc. – can allow you to have dates that are within your reach that don’t require taking out a loan or paying for dinner via Klarna.
So what I would recommend, if this is a relationship with long-term potential, is that you two sit down and map out precisely what is and isn’t within your respective budgets. Talk about what your priorities are, what you can afford and can’t afford, and how you can make up the difference so that things are balanced overall. Don’t just rely on “oh, I have no problem paying for you”; this is as much for your benefit and feeling like an equal partner as it is for them. Finding harmony and equity now prevents strife in the future.
However, a thing to keep in mind is that this conversation isn’t a one-and-done. It isn’t going to do either of you any good if you see this as being carved in stone, permanent and immutable. Whatever you two agree to in the present is ultimately shaped by the present; it may not fit your future circumstances. As circumstances change – you may get a better job or a pay bump; they may change careers and take a pay cut or even get fired or downsized – so will your agreement. Keeping those lines of communication open and being adaptable as circumstances change will help you avoid creating problems for yourselves in the future.
Good luck.
