Estimated reading time: 15 minutes
Hey Doc,
I’m assuming you’ve heard this one before but we all know what they say about assumptions, so I figured I’d ask anyway.
Over the last couple years, I’ve been making an effort to advance my social life, making efforts to find that special someone, and so on. I started as someone who’s very much been a “get up, go to work, and go home or solo hobbies on weekends” kind of person and have made what I feel are great strides over the last couple years. Fast forward to today, and I can say I have a fairly active social life, a decently booked social calendar, and greatly improved people skills. These skills have improved to such an extent that more than a couple of friends have been surprised at how much I struggle with dating and finding connections (yes, I do make it known to established friends that I am available if it comes up and if they know someone who they think might be interested). I’ve also ditched dating apps but kept a few personal ads (reviewed by friends) posted on local sites and pages. I’m still working on making it a habit to be sociable, but I like to think I am making headway with getting friends out to dinner or otherwise finding events.
More to the point of continuing my efforts to expand my social life and skills, my city has a week-long music festival of local bands coming up soon and I’ve set a goal for myself go to at least one band a day and to strike up a conversation with one new person at each concert.
The pattern I have noticed, however, is that I seem to struggle to get people to engage in conversation with me. This has even gone to the extent that multiple friends have said they outright had no interest in interacting until they noticed something specific about me (a sticker on my water bottle, how I laugh, etc.) or people often taking upwards of 6 months to warm up to me. When trying to strike up conversation on the ski lift or at a concert (for example) with strangers, I find that they tend to be rather standoffish at best or sometimes even put some noticeable effort into ignoring me. It’s not all the time, but it seems to be a general trend. If I do find someone I already do know, on the other hand, conversations happen just fine.
My question is this: with that goal in mind, and as someone with good hygiene and some ability to dress himself, what can I do to make it more likely that conversations happen above and beyond just having a few relevant openers (weather, the band, what’s going on in their life, and so on) and hoping the person I’m trying to talk with will engage?
Sincerely,
Hoping He’s Got the Right Idea.
I’m glad you’ve been taking steps to level up your social life and improve your social skills, HHGRI, and I think you’re on the right track here.
The challenge you’ve been running into is a skill issue, in a good way: you’re starting to deal with new aspects of social skills that you haven’t had to wrestle with in a conscious fashion.
Learning a skill goes through four stages: unconscious incompetence > conscience incompetence > conscience competence > unconscious competence. That is, you start of entirely unware of what you’re doing and what you’re missing, simply because you’ve never done it before. The next stage, conscience competence, comes into play as you are starting to learn; you’re realizing just how much you don’t know yet and how to use the skill. When you reach conscience competence, you’re able to utilize the skill, but not effectively and not without having to put thought into it. This is where you’re currently sitting – you’re aware of what you’re doing and you’re able to pull it off some of the time, but not all the time, and not without paying specific attention to it.
If you’ll forgive an awkward comparison, it’s a little like learning to play a character in a video game. You have access to the move set, combos, powers and so on, and even instructions on how to activate them and what they do, but it takes time to learn how to use them effectively and without consciously having to think about it.
And to be clear: this is a good thing. It means you’re growing and improving, even if it’s frustrating. It’s a challenge, yeah, but it’s a challenge that you’re encountering because you’re getting better.
What’s interesting here is that you have been given a partial answer to what the deal, and you even mention it in your letter: it’s inviting people to want to talk to you. We talk a lot about looking for what we call “approach invitations” or signs that someone is interested in your talking to them. While most of the time, these come up in the context of a person (usually a man) looking for signs of interest from someone they want to talk to or approach, it’s important to understand that these go both ways. It’s easy to forget that other people are also looking for signs of interest from folks like you; after all, nobody enjoys trying to start a conversation only to get silence or a curt non-response.
This is actually a fairly common sticking point, especially for guys; a lot of dudes don’t realize how often they’re giving off “do not disturb” signals to the world around them. They may be dying to connect with someone, but everything about them – from their facial expression to their body language to basic positioning in the room – says “not interested.” If they don’t have the context that says “oh, that’s just how HHGRI stands/looks/etc.”, they are more likely to think that you simply don’t want to talk.
That lack of active or passive signs of openness and interest often pairs with how a lot of folks, even people who are actively interested in socializing, can have difficulty getting over the hurdle of actually, y’know, starting the conversation. Even people who might be willing to overlook the seeming lack of interest may still struggle with finding an entry into a conversation. This is part of why your friends mention that they had to find a reason to talk to you – that sticker on your water bottle, for example.
This is why we say that being approachable is as much of a skill as being approached; if you want people to talk to you, it helps to clear a path for them to do so. Otherwise, you run the risk of putting obstacles in the way of people who you might actually want to talk to.
Since the challenge you’ve given yourself entails trying to strike up conversations with strangers in a relatively short amount of time, your goal should be not only to do the approaching, but to make it easier for other folks to engage with you. What you want is to find the right balance between active friendliness – initiating the conversation – with making yourself more open and easier to talk to. Since you will be dealing with complete strangers who won’t have the context of your (current) resting mien, you want to be conscious of the message you’re sending to others.
Your overall vibe should be one of friendly warmth and engagement. You want to look like you’re having a good time – a nice smile, maybe bouncing or rocking to the music, with your head up, your posture straight but relaxed, arms and shoulders loose, instead of looking down with your shoulders hunched up and curling in on yourself. Think of having a string attached to the crown of your skull that’s gently pulling you upward, while your shoulders are relaxed and your arms are either by your sides and loose or pointed out away from your torso, rather than crossed in front of you. You don’t need to seem like you’re having the best time ever, but you definitely want to look like you’re enjoying yourself. It’s going to be important to avoid defensive or closed-off body language, like crossing your arms or holding something – a drink, a tote bag or sling, what-have-you – in front of your torso like a shield. This creates a sort of walled-off feeling, as though you’re putting a barrier between you and the person in front of you.
When you talk to people, you want to convey that warm friendliness and generalized interest in them through your facial expression – that genuine smile and light eyes – and tone of voice. Your overall vibe should be as though you’re greeting someone you’re friends with already. Think of how you would greet an old friend you hadn’t seen in a while – the pitch and intonation of your voice going up at the “hey!” or the warm familiarity of running into someone you expected to see with a “THERE he is!” or “You made it!”
This is a bit of a Jedi mind trick, but it works. By assuming and behaving as though you are already friends and that you’re thrilled to see them, you not only subconsciously adjust your body language, but you convey a vibe that encourages them to behave accordingly. We’re a social species after all, and we respond to social situations in part by reading cues from others. When someone comes in with friendly and relaxed behavior, we’re encouraged to respond with the same sort of energy ourselves. Most of the time, that “meeting like with like” includes unconsciously altering our own body language to match theirs – a trait called “mirroring”, where we encourage people to see us as being similar to them and thus encouraging a positive reception. And since our behavior and attitudes are as much a response to our body as our emotions, that adjustment of body language affects our mood – subtly nudging us to be in a friendly and receptive mood.
If you want to make it easier for other to come over and talk to you – when you’re not making the first move yourself – then be conscious of giving those signs of interest and openness. Looking around like you’re just taking in the view (rather than looking for someone specific), making eye contact and smiling, maybe even an eyebrow flash or upward nod if you notice someone looking at you all help convey the message that you noticed them noticing you and you’re not mad about it. Standing some place where it’s easy for people to come stand near you – as opposed to huddling up near a wall or the merch tent – likewise makes it easier for people to come over and say “hey”.
It also helps to have something that gives people a reason to talk to you. That aforementioned sticker is a great example of how that works. When you get dressed to go to the festival, having a statement piece – whether a cool hat, nice sunglasses, an interesting t-shirt, something that invites notice and comment – makes it easier for people to remark on. It provides an obvious thing to ask about or compliment, which then allows the conversation to happen.
The last thing to keep in mind is that you want to pivot off the opener – that is, you keep the conversation going by moving the subject of the conversation from whatever you used to start it to another topic, otherwise you run the risk of the conversation ending then and there. In practice, it looks a little like this:
“Hey, I really like your hat!”
“Thanks, it’s a favorite that I don’t get to wear as often as I’d like!”
“Well, it’s really neat!”
“Thanks! Hey, my name’s HHGRI, what’s yours? Enjoying the show? What bands are you here to see?”
From there, you can talk about the festival, music, cool hats, pretty much any topic under the sun.
I realize this is a lot to keep in your head and to execute all at once, like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach while also doing a tap dance. That’s in part because you haven’t had to think about it before, and so you’re having to be conscious about all the disparate parts. The good news is that you don’t need to do it all perfectly, and it all becomes much easier with practice. Before too long, these considerations all go from being something you have to actively think about to something you just do – the unconscious competence stage, where it’s become muscle memory.
Think of this all as practice and let each interaction be part of how you get used to putting it all together, instead of hoping that it goes beyond just having a nice conversation with a new person. The more you let yourself relax and just vibe, the easier it will all become, and it will feel increasingly normal and natural to you.
Good luck.
Dear Doc,
So, I really like this guy I know, but while we live in the same country, we live really far from each other, and we never get to hang out because of our busy schedules. How do I get close to him romantically if I never get to see him?
Hanging By The Telephone
The short and flippant answer is: you don’t. The slightly longer and more involved answer is: you work with what you got, with the understanding that you’re taking on a significant challenge that has a high chance of not going in the way you hope.
Now, lots of people start relationships with folks who live long distances from one another all the time. MMOs, subreddits and social media, for example, are responsible for more relationships and marriages than Tinder. But those connections tend to be the product of time x organic interaction; hanging out doing your dailies or going on raids together, regular conversations in the DMs after getting to know each other in the comments on posts and the like. These are connections that start relatively shallow – you’re both in the same guild, you’re both active on the DAP and audiophile subreddits – that grow as you talk, find commonalities and share experiences together. They tend to follow a pattern of increasing closeness and emotional intimacy over a fairly lengthy amount of time – months, if not years, most often.
It’s a lot harder to make that happen deliberately, and especially if you’re not already in the habit of hanging out together virtually. A lot will depend if you and he are already talking on the regular, or if this is mostly a one-sided affair; it’s easier for things to grow if you aren’t having to work at getting their time and attention.
If there’s already enough mutual chemistry that the two of you enjoy talking to each other, then much of this is going to depend on your ability to spend time together without being in the same physical space. There are a number of options available to you, if you have that sort of friendship. Playing games together – especially ones where you’re working as a team, instead of as opponents – is one option. Doing parallel play or body doubling (that is: doing separate things at the same time, like drawing, crafting, cleaning, etc.) over Facetime or Discord is another. While not the same as hanging out together in the physical world, these are ways of bridging the distance, spending quality time together and having shared experiences and adventures. As things progress, it’s possible to add a little flirtatiousness to your conversations and see how he responds – does he flirt back, does he shut it down, does he seem to miss it entirely? This can give you an idea of how – or if – things are progressing, and in what direction.
However, this is going to take time, and you mentioned that you both already have hectic schedules. While it’s not strictly necessary, regularity and frequency are incredibly important for building and maintaining a connection. If there’re fewer and more sporadic hangouts, but ones that are full of intensity, that can carry you along… but it still adds a layer of difficulty that you won’t find if you’re hanging out for a couple hours every week and chatting most of the rest of the time.
Similarly, you’re going to be contending with the distinct possibility that he’s not seeing this as a potential relationship or taking it in serious consideration. You could be investing this time with someone who ultimately sees you as a friend or who isn’t necessarily seeing this as “serious” and who starts dating someone closer and whose schedule is more in alignment with his.
You’re also going to have to contend with the issue of building attraction despite distance and separation. It’s one thing if you were into each other and had that physical attraction already. It’s quite another if you’re trying to build this from scratch, especially at a remove. That distance and lack of physical presence makes any sort of escalation difficult, especially in a romantic direction. One of the core components of those started-online relationships that I mentioned is that eventually there were opportunities to meet in person, where physical chemistry also developed. This is by no means guaranteed, even when the flirting was hot and heavy and the overt point of meeting up was romantic or sexual. Plenty of folks thought they were going to meet up and set the hotel room on fire, only to realize that it just wasn’t gonna happen for them.
Just as with online dating, there are signals of physical and sexual compatibility and attraction that you simply can’t pick up on without being in close proximity. As a result, you may be hot and heavy in the private chat while you’re grinding crafting materials together, but you meet up in person and have all the spark of a damp sponge. All the emotional chemistry in the world isn’t going to turn friendship into love if the physical attraction isn’t there. So, it’s entirely possible that you could get to the point where one of you is making the trek to see the other and then… nothing.
It should also be noted that the long-distance relationships that go the distance – er, as it were – are ones where the separation has an end point. It’s much easier to make a relationship work, with all the frustration of trying to keep a connection alive and vibrant with regular or semi-regular visits and lots of talk and virtual time in between, when you know that at there’s a definite time when you’ll be together. If it’s an open-ended situation, with no path to ending the long-distance aspect, it’s much harder to maintain over the long-term.
So does this mean that you can’t make this happen? Well, as the sage famously said: you can certainly try. Just understand that the odds are stacked against you and that you’re going to be doing a lot of problem solving just to get things started, never mind maintaining them or moving things forward.
If you’re not starting from a place of mutual interest, I think you’re setting yourself up for a lot of time spent for not much return. While I’m sure this guy is hotter than a scotch bonnet with a Sriracha chaser, I think it may be a better use of your time to look a little closer to home. The guy may be one in a million, but out of the 999,999 other potential loves, statistically many of them are going to be just as awesome… and also live in the same area code as you.
Good luck.
