Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I’m writing because something happened recently that shook my confidence in a way I didn’t expect, and I’m trying to understand why it affected me so strongly.
A few weeks ago, I met a beautiful woman at a bar. I approached her, we started talking, and the conversation flowed naturally. Soon we began going out together. During our dates we talked about our goals and dreams in life. She shared hers with me, and I shared mine with her. Honestly, she made me feel like the most listened-to man on the planet. I felt understood in a way I rarely have.
The chemistry between us was great, including sexually. She told me she loved my physique, my personality, and my outlook on life and personal growth. Everything felt very natural.
After several dates, though, she told me she was going through a period of change in her life. She said that in the past she dated many guys who were really into bodybuilding, and that I was “different.” I asked her what she meant by that. She said that I’m not obsessed with my physique.
That confused me. I told her that I train every day, eat well, and take care of myself. I didn’t understand her point. Then she showed me a picture of her ex.
Her ex looked like the stereotypical “Chad” you see promoted all over TikTok — extremely muscular, the kind of guy whose entire identity seems built around his body. I didn’t really know what to say. I just said something like, “Yeah… not at that level.”
After that, I went quiet. She noticed it, and the rest of the conversation felt different. Since then, my communication with her has been minimal. Something shifted inside me.
Suddenly I felt like less of a man. I started feeling very different from the image of what a truly attractive guy is supposed to look like. I consider myself athletic, and I’ve worked hard for that. But seeing that photo made me question everything.
Now I keep wondering: why is she with me? Does she see me as some kind of “safer” option compared to those guys? She often praises my confidence, but now even that confidence feels shaken. I’ve started doubting whether she really enjoys being with me — whether she actually enjoys our conversations, our time together, even our sex life.
She clearly tries to talk to me and keep communication open, but I don’t feel like pretending everything is fine when inside I’m struggling with this.
So my question is: why did this affect me so deeply? Why did seeing that comparison hit me so hard when things between us had been going so well?
Sincerely,
A Suddenly Insecure Guy
Well, there’re some aspects to this that are setting off my Spidey-sense, but I will refer back to my stated policy about potentially fake letters. And since I regularly field questions like this – in the column, from my coaching clients and elsewhere – I will say that while the letter may not be 100% legit, but the feelings behind it are. And it demonstrates a couple rather significant blind spots that a lot of guys have in the dating scene.
I’m going to be blunt: this is someone setting up for an epic bag fumble for an incredibly stupid reason… because someone can’t take “yes” for an answer. This, guys, gals and non-binary pals, is why I talk about how taking all your tips about what women want from guys who insist that the things that men find impressive or important are what women want. It short-circuits your brain like a computer trying to process “this statement is false” when women inevitably don’t go along with it.
It’s made all the more ironic considering how much of the aesthetic that gets tossed around as being What Women Want are shaped for the male gaze and male approval. Women don’t actually enter the picture; why would they, when the real goal is to try to bully and outdo other men on weird looksmaxxing subreddits and trying to assign numerical value via incel phrenology that nobody takes seriously but them.
(It’s right up there with folks who sincerely are trying to make “sexual market value” happen. Guys, it’s bad enough that you’re using incel terminology, but it’s even sadder when the incels are taking it from the pick-up artist community from more than 20 years ago. And yet folks are still trying to make it A Thing, to the point that even the goddamn New York Times is writing about it.)
Why did this affect you so deeply? Well, probably because you don’t actually trust your partner or listen to what she – and women in general – are saying. You have put your imagined idea of what she wants over the reality, and decided that somehow, you’re right and she’s wrong.
I will be honest: I am perpetually bemused by the number of guys who seem to want to date women but don’t actually like them or pay attention to them. Instead, they seem to respond to the idea of the woman they’re seeing who lives in their head, rather than the person who’s right in front of them.
Your partner has been telling you why she likes you. Like, with her words. You say so, with citations in your letter. Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is “why aren’t you listening to what she’s telling you?” instead of asking “why me, when she had him?”
Now admittedly the answer to that “why not him” is both incredibly simple and incredibly obvious: because she already dated him and ended the relationship. He’s her ex for a reason. Multiple reasons, even. She’s with you instead of him because she would rather be with you. Or at least, she did until you went into a weird doomspiral about it.
So much of this comes from the whole idea that women aren’t being honest about why they’re dating someone. Another part comes from – again – the idea that men know what women “really” want more than women do, and tend to dismiss women’s stated preferences as being performative and virtue signaling. Signaling to who, it’s never quite explained, in no small part because quite frankly, nobody actually cares. The idea that women are lying about who they date for reputational clout or something is so detached from reality that it’s a tell about the guys who are making that claim.
It also exposes some rather significant blind spots about people’s feelings and beliefs about dating, relationships and attraction. One of the biggest is how many guys prioritize aesthetics over everything else. Leaving aside that the TikTok bodybuilder isn’t the “ideal” physique – speaking of aesthetics over substance and function – one of the issues with the “gymmaxxing” types is how building and maintaining that aesthetic takes over from almost everything else in people’s lives. It’s not just time spent in the gym, it’s the way that if you want that very specific look, it becomes your life. It gets in the way of quite literally everything else, to the point of deliberately developing an eating disorder known as orthorexia. You can’t enjoy a nice home-cooked meal with your girlfriend or go out on a date to a restaurant. You can’t have a beer with friends or a glass of wine with your dinner or popcorn at the movies.
Of course, this also ignores that the majority of those influencers ain’t natty, bro. Even Bradon Peters nee “Clavicular” is taking steroids to try to get that look – with the attendant backne, impotence, shrunken testicles and anger issues that come along with it.
You may like the visual results… but it quickly becomes a misery for the people in your life.
This is why she is telling you that she’s glad you’re not “obsessed” with trying to achieve and maintain that “perfect” physique; it quickly becomes a singularity that consumes not just the body builder’s life but the lives of the people around them.
Consider also that yes, you probably make her feel safer. But – and here’s an important detail – “safe” in this case doesn’t mean (or just mean) physically safe. It means emotionally safe. A guy who makes a woman feel safe isn’t someone who might protect her from a bunch of Bad Dudes and Dragon Ninjas, nor is he someone who’s “safe” in the sense that “he won’t cheat on me because he doesn’t have other options”.
Safe means someone who makes her feel safe being who she authentically is and wants to be. He makes her feel like she can relax, not have to live under a façade of perfection, to be able to express herself and be the imperfect, all-too-human that she is without judgement or disapproval. She is free from having to fill the role of “arm candy”, to be an accessory in his life instead of a partner. Hell, she even feels safe enough to have a slice of chocolate cake because she feels like it and cake is delicious.
“Safe” isn’t a bad thing. It’s not something to sneer at. Safe is precisely what women want. It’s just that guys refuse to consider that maybe “safe” doesn’t mean violence and aggression, but vulnerability, emotional availability and honesty instead.
So, when you’re asking why seeing her ex rocked you so hard, maybe what you should be asking yourself is “why don’t you trust her when she tells you she likes you and wants to be with you?” Why are you unwilling to take her word over your assumptions about what women want? Why are you ignoring the fact that she’s still reaching out to you, even as you’re shutting her out, and taking that as a sign that maybe, just fucking maybe she cares about you and not Muscles McGee?
You had – and I am emphasizing the past tense here – someone who seems to like you, who is invested in you and who made you feel special and awesome. Maybe you need to be asking why none of that’s enough and why you’re losing your shit over a competition that doesn’t exist and that you would’ve “won” by definition if it had.
Sometimes you gotta take the win, instead of inventing new reasons to lose. Especially if you’re going to lose to an error so unforced that you had to actively seek it out.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I hope it’s okay that I reach out briefly. I’ve been following your content on dating for a while and really appreciate how clearly and honestly you analyze situations. Because of that, I wanted to ask for your perspective on something.
About three weeks ago I met a woman (she’s 31, I’m 35). We had four dates in Berlin and there was noticeable attraction between us.
On the fourth date we kissed, and the next day she even told me she regretted going back to Potsdam that night and not staying longer.
A few days later we had a very intense phone call that lasted almost five hours, where we spoke very openly about personal topics, family history, and also sexuality.
The next day she sent me this message:
“It felt weird speaking about intimacy without intimacy. If we were next to each other, it would feel real. I don’t want to experience intimacy without feelings, it’s not going to last.”
I replied calmly that I didn’t want to force anything and that things should develop naturally.
After that, I didn’t hear from her again. Before that we had been in contact almost daily for about three weeks.
I didn’t text for two days and only posted two Instagram stories while I was out. She viewed them.
After those two days she first deleted my number on WhatsApp, and the following day she also removed me from Instagram.
I then wrote: “I was about to call you but noticed you removed me. If something bothered you, just tell me directly.”
She replied politely that nothing bad had happened, but that she had realized we were probably not the right match for a relationship and therefore wanted to take a step back.
After that I tried inviting her to visit me in a city closer to where I live, and she kindly responded that she appreciated the invitation but didn’t think we were aligned in what we’re looking for.
I haven’t contacted her since.
For context: she lives in Potsdam with her mother and younger sister and mentioned that her past relationships had been quite difficult.
My question is: How would you interpret this dynamic, and would you recommend reaching out again after some time — especially since I’m in Berlin regularly for work anyway?
If so, would you suggest waiting two weeks, four weeks, or longer?
If any additional details would help you give a clearer assessment, I’m happy to provide them.
Thanks for taking the time to read this — I really appreciate it.
What Did I Miss?
This is pretty cut and dry, WDIM. She told you precisely what the issue was: “It felt weird speaking about intimacy without intimacy; […]I don’t want to experience intimacy without feelings.”
This is pretty straightforward, really. What she’s telling you is that while she clearly enjoyed the time she spent with you and she clearly likes you… she doesn’t want to do a long-distance relationship, and that distance is going to be a deal breaker.
That’s what she meant by “intimacy without feelings”. You had this intense, very long conversation all about each other’s lives, getting into very personal and intimate details about your histories and hopes for the future. It would be one thing if the two of you were having this conversation face to face, in the same physical space, instead of over the phone. But, with hundreds of miles and a couple of borders between you, it just hits different and in a way that she didn’t care for. She wants someone who is a lot closer – literally – to be that close.
Apparently, you misunderstood her meaning, because your reply about not forcing anything and letting things develop naturally comes off almost as a non-sequitur. Now, maybe there was a language issue here and wires got crossed or implications were misunderstood… but I could see how she might take that as a “… he doesn’t get it,” and calling it there.
What I am admittedly scratching my head over is how to interpret this as anything other than a “she made it pretty clear that she’s done here.” Her actions – deleting you from her contacts on WhatsApp, unfollowing you on Instagram – are pretty clear. So too was her telling you that you wanted different things and she didn’t think you were a good match for one another. That’s pretty cut and dry, my dude; there’s not really any room for any other interpretation that doesn’t involve actively ignoring or misreading her words orher actions. She’s not interested, and there’s no point nor profit to trying to reach out further. At best, you’re going to get a polite “no thank you”.
Look, I understand getting excited and wishing there was a way to make this happen. Been there, done that, even tripped over my own dick making similar mistakes. But there simply isn’t anything to be done here. You two had a very nice few days in Berlin, but that’s all there was to it. If circumstances were different and you lived closer, then maybe there would be a possibility. But they aren’t, there isn’t, and she was very clear about the fact that she’s not interested.
There will be other women and other adventures in the future. It’s better to look forward to those, than to risk missing out because you keep looking to the past instead. Chalk this one up to having a nice little whirlwind of a flirtation, savor it as a nice memory, then let it go and move forward.
Good luck.
