The dating dance, from the POV of men
Sometimes, I envy birds. Peahens have to do absolutely nothing but exist to be courted by peacocks. The male birds dance, groom and flaunt their shiny feathers, and also throw pecks at other peacocks, just to get the female’s attention. Penguins are known to bring their crushes their favourite polished pebble for their big proposal. Meanwhile, we’re begging men not to embarrass us and wondering if having boyfriends is even cool anymore.
We spent our teen years passing chits and waiting for our crushes to come online on Facebook so we could ask them a simple question: Do you like me? Yes or no. That rush of anxiety and anticipation is now replicated by posting stories or memes in the hope that they will DM us. And even if we successfully manage to take things to the next level, there isn’t respite to be had. Now we’re left figuring, are we boyfriend-girlfriend? Or are we being ‘cookie-jarred‘ while assuming we’re exclusive? Will he eventually leave with a misty-eyed, “I really like you, but I can’t be with you because you deserve better”?
And it made me wonder…when did we decide to add so much ambiguity to dating? And are men even concerned about this jhol-jhapaata that we’ve created collectively as a species?
This Valentine’s Day, as repayment for all the joy female friendship brings me, I decided to take one for the team and attend a singles speed-dating event. For research. The men in attendance would be my focus group, so I could find out what dating looks like from the other side of the table.
The event, Let’s Get Rowmantic, hosted by Puma India, Bumble and Hyrox in Bengaluru, was an interesting intersection of fitness and romance. Participants started off by attempting a beginner-friendly version of a Hyrox challenge, which was followed by a social-mixer for single people. Puma and Bumble have been collaborating on experiences like this since 2024 (like their mini-marathon from last Valentine’s Day), and this year roped in the Hyrox community to broaden this fitness-first dating pool.
I reached the venue bright and early on Valentine’s Day morning, all ready to get into some dating anthropology.
What men are really thinking on a date
Image credits: Puma India
Yes, they worry about the perfect outfit too
One of the biggest concerns for women, before we even get to our date, is what to wear (or what if he’s a serial killer). From a closet full of possibilities, we deliberate on which outfit and exactly what shoe will convey our mood, our personality, and what outcomes we’re looking for from the encounter. Can men relate? Turns out, yes.
Pratham Sharma, 22, an associate product manager, told me how he usually gets ready for a date, “I wear baggy jeans and a t-shirt with really good shoes. Or anything to show off what I’ve worked so hard to make [aka his gym bod]. I love quirky socks, so I’d also wear those.”
Shashank Sinha, 28, a lawyer who had shown up to support his girlfriend, who works with Hyrox, brought a seasoned perspective to my research. “I got a haircut and regretted everything that I had ever done in my life, then called my mom panicking,” he said about his first date with his now-girlfriend.
Almost all of the 10 men I spoke to mentioned getting haircuts and shaving or trimming their facial hair before dates.
Men are perhaps becoming aware that women might like to be with someone who’s made an effort to be easy on the eye. Even if we don’t expect them to match our energies like A$AP Rocky matches Rihanna’s. Men’s magazines and male influencers have been highlighting the importance of grooming if men don’t want to end up getting ghosted and luckily, it looks like the advice is being taken to heart.
Image credits: Puma India
They’re aware they’re walking red flags (most of the time)
When I asked Sharma about his red flags, his first reaction was to laugh. He then scratched his head and said, “I’ve not thought about it, and none of my exes have pointed any out.” Give it time, I think.
Naman Gupta, 23, an investment banker, said his red flag was being too quick to look for red flags. “I judged people too quickly. Like if I was out on a date and I didn’t feel the spark immediately, I would end it. But since I realised this about myself, I’ve learnt to appreciate the slow-burn and not just the big spark. Everyone feels emotions differently, it takes time to open up and build that connection.”
Vaibhav Kothari, 21, a content creator and student, candidly shared that despite not having a lot of experience with dating, his one red flag is that he can’t easily own up to his mistakes. “It’s hard for me to sometimes understand where I went wrong. I’ll try to patch things up and eventually accept my mistake, but I’ll first come in with my point-of-view and why I think I’m right even when I know she’s pissed with me. So I take time to get there.”
Who will tell these gents that, actually, self-awareness is the biggest green flag.
Image credits: Puma India
Many are actively trying to do better
Speaking of green flags, ladies you’ll be encouraged to know that almost all the men in this focus group mentioned in some manner how they always want to avoid coming across as creeps.
Kabir*, 29, a private athlete, walked me through how he approaches physicality on his dates: “I don’t want a woman to worry about her safety with me, but I also understand that when it’s just the first date she can’t fully trust me yet. So if I feel like we’ve reached that level, I look for cues but also make sure to ask her clearly if it’s alright if I hold her hand.”
Many of the men also pointed out that they, too, worry about their dates turning out to be suspicious. I’ll be honest, it felt comforting to relate with them over this anxiety about safety. Bumble’s pre-date safety checklist is good to keep handy when you need to cover your bases.
Once all preliminary vibe-checks have been passed and the date is going well, we reach the sparkling part. There are quite a few things that men do that we love—opening doors, wearing our scrunchie as a bracelet, making sure we’re walking on the inner side of the street, and so on. But, what do men like?
Kothari hopes that his date can appreciate his ambitious nature. “[I feel appreciated] if she compliments the effort I’m putting into my work and says that she’s proud of me.”
Daniel J. Samuel, 24, a content creator, has a simple expectation: “Energy matching takes time, but if she seems attentive and understands my humour, that’s all I ask.”
I’m gathering that men don’t worry, yearn or want to impress as much. They hope to be good and understanding people, and eventually partners. So why won’t they just vocalise these sentiments?
Image credits: Puma India
Gender norms are taking the heart out of dating
We already know that male friendships work very differently from female ones. And that one of the main distinctions is that women tell our friends everything—pre and post-dates, and sometimes even during.
And men? Well, they’re big on, “Not discussing my personal life with the guys when we’re hanging out. We’re focused on chilling so these things don’t come up.” This was from Vinith*, 23, an architecture student.
Zaid Hussain, 29, creative producer, agrees, “I’ll come back from the date, tell them how it went, and summarise without the details.” Then he adds, “I just don’t want to come off as vulnerable.”
Dating is a jhol-jhapaata for men as well, but it seems to be from the pressure of wanting to privately be romantic while retaining a public projection of masculinity. We do know how toxic-masculinity targets men, leaving them with the assumption that there’s no opt-out.
For example, while I only spoke to 10 men (nine of whom were single), they all staunchly maintained that they weren’t there for the purpose of dating specifically, even though it was a dating event. They all hailed Hyrox as their primary reason for waking up super early on a Saturday, which just happened to be Valentine’s Day.
Okay, guys, if you say so. Let the games continue.
*Names changed upon request
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