Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
Hello, Dr. NerdLove!
First off, your blog has been a great help to me, more than I can describe. I’m a definite late bloomer, nerdy, autistic, a healthy dose of low self-esteem, and to top it off, lesbian. All this made me avoid romance and love like the plague, since most depictions of relationships were nothing like what I wanted for myself (or could see myself being in). I’ve been putting a lot of work in on my confidence, mental health, fashion, and social skills, and your advice hits home.
So, onto my conundrum. I have a good deal of female friends, of whom I am fairly emotionally close with. I love my friends, and they mean a great deal to me. Normally, once I befriend someone, I can’t see them as an ‘option’ romantically, and can be playful/open without worry.
About a year and a half ago, I met and pretty quickly developed a crush on a woman, ‘Kay’. We go to grad school together, so I see her frequently. I find her very attractive, but also just enjoy talking to her. We can chat for hours one-on-one, have great discussions, and have explored emotional topics. We would frequently go to classy restaurants, museums, coffee shops, etc. alone together, which is not something I normally do with my other friends (I usually am more of a group hangout person). After 3-4 months of getting to know her, I confessed my feelings in a pretty clunky and awkward way. She rejected me kindly — saying, she wasn’t sure of her feelings, but she didn’t think she saw me like that — and of course it hurt like hell, but I really did want to remain friends. I took the next couple months with minimal contact so I could get over it and return without ulterior motives.
Over that summer, I put energy into upping my fashion game, hitting the gym a lot more, cut my hair radically different, and doing some self-work. I also put myself out there on dating apps, and even met a girl and started dating once I felt I was over Kay. When everyone came back from break, my friends noted how much more muscular I was, and how I dressed better (win!). I slowly started becoming friends with Kay again, and I really felt I just saw her as a friend again. We got back to hanging out in groups, but I minimized one-on-one hangouts and going to any sort of romantic-coded places.
Then, this winter, I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months. For a variety of reasons, I just felt the relationship wasn’t right for me. It was rough on me, and it’s only been 2 months since the split, so I still feel a bit raw about it. I leaned on my friends more afterwards, and naturally started hanging out with Kay more often.
So, here comes the conundrum. We started slipping back into old patterns. I hang out with her one-on-one, she wants to go places alone… etc. She acts differently towards me than others in the group, is more touchy, and likes to tease me specifically. She compliments my outfits frequently, and comments often about how much she likes my new hair. She even said that she feels closer to me than anyone else. I’m not trying to extrapolate how she feels from these things, but all of them have led to me to stir up those old crush feelings, and it’s driving me crazy.
I know the (probably?) right thing to do is to tell her that I need her to not do those things for us to be friends, but the hard part is, I like the attention. Part of me also thinks that, since I changed a lot, maybe I /do/ have a shot now, and try to read the tea leaves — every little thing she does, my brain goes nuts trying to pull a pattern and evidence out of it. No chance in hell I’m going to ask her out again, though; my pride was wounded enough last time, and I also really don’t want to make her uncomfortable if she doesn’t feel that way. I’m worried that by even sitting down with her and saying “hey, when you compliment me, it makes me think you’re sending romantic signals, and I might be open to that, but if not, please stop” acknowledges I have some degree of lingering feelings, which I’m frankly embarrassed about. I’d love to just press a button and erase my crush.
I know I probably just need to get over my pride and talk to her, especially since I think she’s a great person and could be an amazing lifelong friend, but I suck at communicating, especially when it comes to feelings. I also just don’t know if/when I could be normal friends with her, since I think my playful and close attitude towards my friends frequently lends itself to misinterpretation (I get confused for flirting at times). I’m just stuck in this limbo and it consumes more of my waking cognitive energy than I’d like it to.
Cheers,
Stuck in an Old Pattern
This seems to be one of the cases where you already know what you need to do, SIOP, you just need to actually do it.
You’re in a situation that’s very common; in fact, part of what I appreciate about your letter is that you’re demonstrating that this isn’t just something lonely, shy or socially inexperienced guys deal with. Having inconvenient crushes on friends, not knowing how to deal with them and being hung on the question of “which way do I try to go with this” is a universal heartache.
And one of the things that I think makes it so universal is why so many of us get caught in this particular pattern. To wit: we’re all feeling isolated and lonely and the serotonin and dopamine boost we get from the sort of casual intimacy we have with (some) friends is intoxicating. It’s a little like how when you’re really thirsty, ice-cold water is one of the most delicious things you could possibly put in your mouth; your body is basically saying “MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!” as well as a reminder that a lot of the way we try to meet our social and intimacy needs – such as online communities – aren’t as effective. They’re not empty calories, per se, but they’re not as nutritious as in-person interaction.
… ok, this metaphor is already in danger of spinning out of control. Moving on.
Now, this is an area where women generally have it a little easier. Friendships between women tend to be “face to face” – that is, they’re most often about shared intimacy and connection, bonding, support and validation. This allows for a greater level of emotional and physical intimacy with one another, which allows for stronger friendships and connections. The fact that physical touch, laughter and good conversation all spur dopamine and oxytocin production in the body means that there’s a reward that comes with those friendships and encourages that people continue and maintain them.
The problem is that this can also lead to crushes and catching feelings – as many guys discover when they start getting tight with their female friends. And that’s more or less what happened here. You really like Kay, and you had strong romantic feelings for her when you were first becoming friends. When you were dealing with the pain of your break up, you turned to your friends – including Kay – for support. Not surprisingly, especially considering how raw things were, the support from Kay and your friendship deepening again hit you like a truck. Combine that with your past attraction to her and the fact that those old feelings for her came roaring back is possibly the least surprising thing ever.
But here’s the thing: catching feelings or developing the crush isn’t really the problem. The problem is when we start equating developing those feelings as a negative – the sense that doing so is a betrayal of the friendship or a sign that the friendship was only ever conducted under false pretenses. Because this social narrative is so widely held and spread, trying to feel comfortable being emotionally open and physically comfortable with friends feels fraught with risk. You even say it yourself: you feel most able to express yourself with your friends when you don’t see them as a potential romantic partner.
At the risk of being too real: that fear of having or developing feelings for someone, especially feelings that aren’t likely to go anywhere is an ongoing source of frustration for me. It’s a common situation and one that leads to a lot of unnecessary stress and heartache that could otherwise be easily avoided.
It’s also a big part of why you’re feeling stuck and unsure right now – it’s the sense that having feelings is not only a problem, but they’re something that needs to be hidden or repressed and never to be spoken aloud lest things go wrong. Not wanting to experience the pain of rejection is entirely understandable, but as with all forms of fear, it’s the avoidance that makes things worse. Because we’re all taught – implicitly and implicitly, regardless of gender or sexuality – that open expression of certain feelings is risky at best or bad at worst, we try to avoid it. That avoidance not only causes the fear to grow but also stigmatizes those feelings; we get fewer and fewer opportunities to learn how to manage them, how to express them or how to respond when someone expresses them to us.
As a result: when someone does finally say something, they’ve become incredibly heavily invested in the outcome, the person they’re expressing them to may have an awkward or messy response that has a high chance of being misunderstood (and may not even be how they truly feel) and it ends up creating tension and discomfort for everyone involved.
This is all a very long-winded way of saying: stop being afraid of your feelings. Your feelings aren’t the problem. It’s being afraid of them and treating them as the problem to be solved that’s fucking with you. You don’t even necessarily need to do anything about them. You appreciate the attention she gives you and it feels great and validating. These are all good things! It only becomes a problem if things are getting uncomfortable for you or that they’re actually interfering with your friendship.
But if that’s the case… the best thing you could do is tell your friend. Saying “hey, I don’t know if you’re intending to send this message but when you do X and Y, my brain sees it as being flirty and I feel conflicting things about what we mean to each other…” isn’t a shameful confession or an accusation. It’s a request both for clarity but also an expression of how much this friendship means to you. Yes, you’re saying that you’re attracted to Kay, but you’re also saying that value your friendship with Kay and you want it to continue. If it’s a purely platonic friendship on her side of things, then her not doing certain behaviors would make it a lot easier on you. The clarity and understanding will help you manage your feelings appropriately.
By treating your attraction as something normal and natural rather than a sin you have to confess, you also defuse that unspoken fear that having feelings for a friend is some sort of betrayal of that friendship. You’re making it clear that your attraction is separate from your friendship, rather than being the reason why you’ve been getting closer with her. You’re saying “I want to be your friend because you’re an awesome person, not because I’m trying to leverage it in order to get in your pants.”
As many people have said many times before, the reason why Nice Guy™ shit hurts so much is the feeling of being lied to and manipulated, not because someone dared to catch feels. Honesty, clarity and openness go a long way to defusing that. Plus, by modeling that behavior yourself, you create opportunities for other people to ask for clarity and understanding if they aren’t sure if you’re flirting with them or not.
And quite frankly, I think that if Kay is your friend, then the last thing she would want to do is make you feel uncomfortable or feel as though you’re unable to be as open and authentic with her as you want to be. And if she is flirting with you… well, now she has the opportunity to say so.
So really, it’s win-win all around.
TL;DR: your feelings aren’t anything to be ashamed of, nor are they a problem. The attraction coming back is the most understandable thing in the world. The only problem is treating your feelings like a dirty secret that you have to apologize for. So tell Kay about the behaviors that are leading to this confusion, suggest options that would make life easier for you both and enjoy this opportunity to remove a road block that’s only serving to make it harder for you to appreciate and enjoy your friendship with someone who’s very clearly important to you.
You’ve got this, SIOP.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I know you’re not a real doctor, but I feel like you’re the person who can best answer this problem for me.
Short and sweet: how do I tell someone I’m sleeping with that I tested positive for chlamydia without making it sound like I’m accusing them of giving it to me.
I’m single and I’ve had a few casual partners over the course of the last couple of years. I get tested for STDs every six months and this time I popped positive for chlamydia. I had no symptoms, so the positive result came as a surprise. I haven’t heard from past partners that I’d had between my last negative test and this one, so I have no way of knowing how I might have contracted it or who gave it to me. I will be honest with you that I feel a little weird about having it, but I am far less concerned with who may have given it to me and more about making sure my past and current partners get tested and treated. I’m only seeing one person now, but I’m worried that if I tell them, they’re going to hear it as an accusation or that it’s going to cause drama between us. We use protection, but obviously that doesn’t mean that it still couldn’t spread.
So what’s the best way to tell someone to get an STD test?
Feeling Like A Plague Rat
Before I get to my answer, I really want to push back against the name you gave yourself, FLPR. The whole “plague rat” designation is part of what spreads the stigma around having an STI; the implication of being dirty and diseased is one of many reasons why a lot of people don’t get tested regularly and feel a lot of shame around having an infection. This leads to a lot of cases of people transmitting infections or getting infected that could’ve been avoided.
Sex is a full-contact sport, and participating in it means the acceptance of certain risks. Those risks include the possibility of being exposed to STIs. As with full-contact sports, you do what you can to mitigate risk and minimize chances of injury, but the risks still exist. Communicating openly and honestly – including telling your partners if you or they have a positive test or that you’ve had positive contact is a part of how you control both the risk and the outcome when things happen.
Chlamydia is an STI that is very easy to spread unawares; not only is it common, it’s also frequently asymptomatic in people and it can be spread through oral contact. Most people don’t use condoms or barriers for oral sex, so it’s entirely feasible for it to spread undetected from partner to partner until someone gets a positive result.
The thing you should keep in mind is that you’re both taking things seriously and being a responsible adult. Getting tested regularly isn’t preventative (as some people subconsciously feel), but it does mean that it’s much easier to prevent the spread and get treatment before the infection can cause serious complications.
When it comes to telling your partners… well, as I said, there’s a lot of stigma and strong feelings around STIs. There’s no way to really ensure how they’ll respond, so the best thing you can do is keep the information as neutral as possible and stick to the facts. Tell the people you’ve slept with since your last negative test “hey, I wanted to let you know that I had a positive test for chlamydia; you should get tested just in case.” No accusations, no suggestions of who gave it to whom, just “hey, this happened, I wanted you to know.”
For your current partner, I’d suggest that it may be quicker for them to go to their doctor, their local clinic or Planned Parenthood and say that they’ve had positive contact for chlamydia. Whether they got it from you or vice versa, telling the doctor or nurse that they had positive contact will mean jumping straight to getting treated, rather than spending the day or two waiting for the results.
I know it feels weird to have to talk about it with them, but you’re doing the right thing. It’s a little awkward, but this is a time when keeping it short, direct and to the point will spare a lot of drama and agita.
And as a side note: if you’re having a lot of new partners or you and your current partner aren’t exclusive, you may want to adjust the frequency of how often you get tested. Moving to every three or four months isn’t the worst idea under the circumstances.
Good luck.
