I used to love those silly online quizzes that would take basic information about me and give me a result that, at least for a few minutes, totally defined my life. In middle school, I cheated my way through “Am I Gay?” quizzes, and in high school, I desperately needed to know which Real Housewife of Beverly Hills I was. Kyle Richards, for those interested. As we move into October, I wanted to take that interest and share it with all of you. No doubt, you’ve already got your Halloween watchlists primed and ready, but were you curious which Halloween-themed movie was yours? Well, here I’ll be presenting you with the Halloween movie that best represents you, based on your birth month. These aren’t legally-binding picks, but honestly… they should be? Check out your Halloween movie, and where to catch it streaming, below:

January – Hocus Pocus (Disney+)

Hocus Pocus is comfort food. It’s warm soup on a chilly winter morning. Thus, it’s the perfect Halloween pick for the dry run of the year, that’s January. No one likes January. The holidays are over, and there’s nothing to look forward to until at least March, and even that’s not a guarantee. Sometimes it’s a gauntlet until June. We need crackling fires and warm autumnal hues, and that’s exactly what Hocus Pocus gives.

Now streaming on Disney+, you can revisit Kenny Ortega’s classic, witchy saga when the weight of January breaks you down. Hocus Pocus is a horror movie hug, and we could all use a little extra comfort as those long January nights stretch on, seemingly infinitely.

February – Cobweb (Netflix)

February is when we enter Pisces season. Pisces, known for their creativity and artistic sensibilities, are a perfect match for Samuel Bodin’s underrated cult hit, Cobweb. February also never quite gets the credit it deserves. That sounds a lot like Cobweb, too.

So, while Cobweb might lack the mainstream romanticism of most horror fare, it’s an unsung gem. If you know a Pisces, you probably love them dearly, and if you’ve seen Cobweb, you’ll understand why it endures as one of the most criminally underrated releases of the decade. Let’s show Cobweb some love, yeah?

March – Rob Zombie’s Halloween (Roku Channel)

The Halloween franchise had to figure twice on this list, no? Love it or hate it, there’s no denying Rob Zombie’s Halloween duology did more to inject new life into the franchise than anything since the Cult of Thorn saga. Yes, it’s nasty, trailer park horror (deliberately so), though amidst all the brutality and misogyny is an iteration of Michael worth seeing. Maybe not to love, but to at least appreciate in its brazenness.

And that’s really what March is all about. Being brazen. It stands between the final days of winter and those first days of spring. On whose authority? Not mine. So, Rob Zombie’s Halloween is here for all you incorrigible, steadfast March folk. It’s good company to keep.

April – The Craft (Tubi)

Teen horror used to be all the rage (colon, Carrie 2). Andrew Fleming’s The Craft is a classic because it adroitly balances the adolescent angst with the requisite horror. Yes, it’s cult and camp, but The Craft goes to some pretty dark places, and its entire cast never once lets irony seep into their stellar performances. They play it straight, whether they’re having fun or conjuring visions of plane crashes.

April’s birthstone is a diamond, and The Craft really is a diamond in the rough. At the time of release, The Craft never really got the critical or audience attention it deserved. Now, it’s a cult hit, and a reminder to polish off those ultimate forgotten gems. There are more diamonds among them, I guarantee it.

May – Hatchet (Plex/Tubi)

Why Hatchet for May? Well, because it’s hot. No, not like Victor Crowley is hot (Kane Hodder is a different story), but because the movie feels hot. Swampy, humid, nasty, wet, Louisiana hot. All gaseous and steamy as a Halloween boat tour descends into the gnarliest practical kills of the decade. It’s seasonal, yes, but it’s also the perfect Halloween movie to really solidify that transition from the temperance of spring to the painful, exhaustive heat of summer. You might even throw Hatchet II on for good measure – I’ve certainly been so hot, I’ve wished to just tear all of skin off…

June – Frankenweenie (Disney+)

Frankenweenie is a baby. A cute, precious, undead baby. He’s also, no doubt, a direct response to Henry Selick’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. Frankenweenie was Tim Burton trying to make sure misappropriated fans were certain he could make a gothic stop-motion masterpiece, too.

Frankenweenie might be slighter than Selick’s feature, but it still retains all the seasonal heart you could hope for. It’s also a distinctly Gemini movie. Come on. Frankenweenie was personal, and that’s exactly the kind of behavior I’d expect from a Gemini. No, I didn’t direct The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I could have.

July – Terrifier (Tubi)

I don’t know that I trust Leos, whose sign comes at the tail end of July. I certainly know that I don’t trust Art the Clown. Sure, he’s playful and sweet, even somewhat endearing, but before you know it, he’s got a hacksaw and he’s carving you straight down the middle. Terrifier, the certified indie horror phenomenon, defines the modern horror movie scene. While distinct in structure, form, and—well—gore, everyone, indie or studio, is chasing the next Terrifier. Art has revitalized not only the slasher subgenre, but the broader nature of extreme horror. Terrifier 3 grossing $90 million worldwide will never not shock me.

While 3 goes all in on the Christmas spirit, the first two films are decidedly Halloween movies. Especially the first. Damien Leone’s indie grit helped springboard Terrifier to the hit franchise it is today, and the first film—crude as it may seem— captures everything that would render Art such a success. It’s low-budget but chock full of love, and for as sneaky as Leos are, there’s no denying their heart is in the right place. So, Leos – I give you Terrifier in all its gory glory.

August – Halloween (Plex, Shudder)

I was debating between John Carpenter’s titular Halloween and my ultimate pick for October for a beat. Halloween should have been the October pick, but I opted out of it for one key reason – John Carpenter filmed Halloween in South Pasadena, California. Halloween is a Halloween movie, yes, but it also yields the aura of a late summer drive. It’s nostalgia, the winds of August change, a romantic, evocative slice of horror history.

Not to mention, when accounting for Halloween theatrical releases, an entire decade worth of films were released in the dog days of summer. So, yes, Halloween is the Halloween movie, but it’s also the warm, gentle hand of August, beckoning us into the fall.

September – The Jester 2 (TF, wjere)

Michael Sheffield, Jester, featured in Colin Krawchuk’s The Jester and The Jester 2, gives big Virgo energy. Seriously. If I were a supernatural serial killer, I’d probably be a lot like the Jester. A touch sinister, a touch playful, a touch fastidious. I’m not a serial killer, but if I were, you know…

With the release of The Jester 2, it’s double-trouble. The sequel amps up everything that worked so well in the original (classic Virgo behavior), and while, yes, you should start with the first, the sequel is a marked improvement in every single way. It’s fun, quite simply, and the perfect way to inaugurate the true start of the Halloween season.

October – Trick r’ Treat (Hulu)

If not Halloween, what else? Michael Dougherty’s Trick ‘r Treat, of course! Could it have been anything else? Trick ‘r Treat is the little horror anthology that could. After several delays, Trick ‘r Treat arrived with little fanfare on video-on-demand platforms. From there, it’s become a certified classic, the go-to movie to watch every October. It’s even getting a theatrical re-release this year, if that tells you anything.

Trick ‘r Treat is the only movie, other than Halloween itself, that feels like a permanent part of the season. There simply isn’t Halloween without Sam. He is the mascot of the entire damn holiday. He deserves the honor, and all you October babies deserve to share it with him.

November – Sleepy Hollow (PlutoTV/Paramount+)

Sleepy Hollow is a horror film that shaped me. Tim Burton’s gothic masterpiece was my 90s, sort of like how Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox) was the 90s to Rebecca Walters (Alison Brie) in Scream 4. It’s not just nostalgia, either. Sleepy Hollow has a scale and sharp edge few, if any, horror blockbusters have matched since. They built an entire freaking town.

Plus, it’s just got those early November vibes, you know? There’s some Halloween, but Sleepy Hollow is really the end of autumn. So precise, so razor-sharp, it might just take your head off.

December – Tales of Halloween (Tubi)

Tales of Halloween, featuring shorts from the likes of Neil Marshall, Darren Lynn Bousman, Axelle Carolyn, Lucky McKee, Andrew Kasch, and others, is the gift that keeps on giving. Why watch one horror movie when you can instead watch several of the century’s best try their hand at seasonal scares? For December babies, it’s kind of like the 12 Days of Christmas, only you’re unwrapping urban legends and demonic witches.

It’s festive, frightening, fun, and one of the better anthologies released this century. Really, it’s a dying form, and I wish that weren’t the case. V/H/S is keeping things alive, though for the true believers out there, Tales of Halloween is a gift you’ll be happy to open.

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