I’m at that age I suffer interrupted nightly sleep
With frequent toilet visits and weak stream;
The doctor’s first examination made my eyeballs weep
And made me think he’d been unduly keen;
He asked me “Drop your trousers” and if on my side I’d roll
I guessed it was a pudgy finger then explored my hole
I could have been mistaken though – it might have been a pole
As deep inside my Fingal’s Cave he twirled.
I know that I’m no hero but I’ve had my share of grief
From rugby scraps but never came to harm
But I’d have taken leather straps to clench between my teeth
Like when navy surgeons amputate your arm;
I guess that it was friction burns that turned my blurter red
Though it might have been his broddling when it ruptured and it bled
I felt a good bit better when he pulled it out and said,
“That’s the biggest bastard prostate in the world”.
He said “I’ve done examinations a hundred times or more
When up my dextrous digit I have put;
They’re normally the size of conkers those I’ve seen before;
But your is like bastard coconut;
Despite your tiny penis” he said “you should be most proud;
For certain I am” he said “I shall broadcast this out loud”
And called The Guinness Book of Records, whereupon he vowed
“It’s the biggest bastard prostate in the world”.
